New, lonely, scared and dont know what to do

[Amanda May]

I am really new to admitting and accepting being a women but I am an old gal at 68.  I hoped I was too old to admit myself and just be, but my Amanda, my alter ego, has been really demanding to come out.  I have read here in the past but when I tried to ignore my innerself I would try to deny my soul and cut out all womenly connections.  When I say new it is because today I will see my therapist for the first time and ask for help.  This is the first time i have acted upon my innnerself.  When I read how fast the body changes it scares me because I was planning to starting hrt and let the changes intro me to the family, slowly.  I thought I could start hrt no one would know and feel good inside without many female physical side effects just an emotional acceptance.  I am so scared.  I was home dressed as Amanda  and the doorbell rang.  Thought i was busted because i could not change fast enough.  It is easy to write too much sorry.

[Guest]

You fought it longer than many, but you’re never too old to be yourself. J And quite frankly, I’ve learned that it can’t be fought, might as well try to fight breathing, it’s just as important in the long run. Yes, HRT will change you significantly; and some people will notice because it is indeed a large change. When I finally came out to most, the majority of people said they knew something was up because I was changing both physically and psychologically. I was scared too, I tried to make up all kinds of excuses to prevent myself from starting HRT, but quite frankly it’s the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Good luck, sweetie, and welcome to Laura’s……….

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Amanda May. It's nice to meet you.

I won't tell you not to worry, because we've all been where you are, and we've all worried, and that is just a normal response to an uncertain future.  But I can say that most of the things we worry about don't come to pass.

It's a great first step talking with a therapist.  You didn't say whether it is a gender specialist.  That wold be preferable but as long as your therapist know where to turn for good information, you should be fine.  They will hopefully be experienced enough to guide you on the right path.

HRT takes time for anything noticeable to happen to your body, so even if you started today, six months from now changes are not likely to be obvious.  So you have some time.  That is, unless you started doing other things, such as shaving body hair or getting facial hair removed, etc.

Please look around the forums and post questions and comments.  We do have many here who are late "bloomers" such as yourself.  We have a wealth of experience to offer, and offer it we will.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[MarcieMarie12]

Welcome to Laura's! It is never too late to transition. 

Hugs,

Marcie

[TexasLibraryLady]

Welcome Amanda. I'm not sure what your idea of "fast" and "slow" are so I don't know how helpful my advice may be. Effects of HRT vary from person to person. It took a few months for me to notice any changes. Others probably still wouldn't notice anything if I hadn't transitioned at the same time. Even my breasts would not really draw attention if I didn't wear a bra and still wore looser men's shirts.

As with most things, people tend not to be very observant. We have trouble noticing changes in ourselves because they are gradual and we see ourselves every day. Most people we interact with on a regular basis are the same way. Now if you have a lot of people that you don't see for months at a time, they will likely see a dramatic difference.

[Jani]

Hello Amanda and welcome to Laura's.  I believe if you were able to start on a low dose that it would help your mental state before you would notice physical changes.  I'm over 60 and that was my experience.  Your's may vary of course.   Please join in the conversation, we'd love to hear more from you.

Jani 

[Amanda May]

Your love made me cry as i sit waiting to talk to my therapist.  He has helped people transition.  I guess I am stupid or so scared I cant figure things out on computers , but when you say join in what is ment by that and how do I do it.  Problem is I have been so secretive my whole life with this one dominating issue, i panic at the thought of opening.  Love

[tracy_j]

Hi Amanda

Welcome

I find it interesting how things change. Your point about the doorbell ringing reminded me about past times when I used to try dresses on in the bedroom and listen in case my partner was about to come upstairs and I needed to undress and hide the dress quickly. Things steadily changed and now, like in the example today when the postman delivered incorrect mail, I just went out in what I was wearing and passed the letter back to him. It is down to steady progression and gaining confidence.

The first step is to not keep secrets from yourself. With the help of the therapist, realise who you are and then you will be better equipped to determine where you need to go. My approach is to accept my thoughts as normal and live how I feel, just being careful with obvious close friend / family and society.

Just keep moving forward, at your own pace. You will get to the point where you can relax with yourself.

Tracy

 

[SugarMagnolia]

Hi Amanda and Welcome!

I think what is meant by "join in" is what you're doing now: writing posts that express what's on your mind, what you're feeling, questions you have, thoughts on other people's posts, etc. 

You could continue to post in this thread, add new posts to any of the forum areas, or just browse what's new and reply when you feel so inclined. There's no wrong way to join in. I spend a lot of time simply reading what others have to say and thinking about how that relates to my own situation.

Of course, you may find at some point that you want to "join in" in the physical world. For me, that meant finding a wonderful local transgender social group that has frequent events near where I live. Sometimes I attend "en femme", sometimes in "drab", but always I'm welcomed for who I am and I leave knowing that I'm not alone in my experience and that there's nothing wrong with me. 

I think Tracy made the perfect comment: "Just keep moving forward, at your own pace." You get to decide what "forward" is and how you get there, and there are no "wrong" ways as long as it makes you more content.

Hugs, 
Julie

[Guest Alicia Rose]

Welcome to LP! I'm happy you joined the site and look forward to reading more by you. 

We know how scary it is and how hard it can be to accept ourselves and open up to others. Forums like this one can help by giving you a place to express your thoughts without any worry or judgement. Promise!

Best of luck with your therapist session! Let us know how it goes and I look forward to reading what you share.

[Cindy Truheart]

Hi Amanda! I know what you mean about being scared. I think most of us do. I'm kind of new myself, so I'm probably still dealing with a lot of the same emotions you are right now. I'm still not completely out to everyone, but I have come out to those closest to me. It can be a terrifying process, but it can be done. Talking to a therapist is the first thing I did as well. It was the best decision I have ever made I think. Talking to a professional really helped me to understand myself and why I've been the way I have my entire life. Best of luck to you girl, hang in there, you can do it!

[Amanda May]

Thank you all.  Talking helps.  I have been married twice and had three great loves since. I have sabatoged all my relationships because I was hiding Amanda deep in my soul.  I have no one now, but that has inspired me to free Amanda May to examine her relationship to me so i can better understand my heart and what is my ability to truly love with my complete self, whoever that might be.   Lisa thanks for your advice, it is the same as my therapist-take it slow and be sure who you are.

[VickySGV]

Amanda, in two weeks I will no longer be your age, I will go up a year.  I know a couple here a bit older than I am, so don't let the calendar bite you!!  If you have GD (Gender Dysphoria) you have it, will have it, and dammit your going to have it.  Join the fun here, as Carolyn Marie said, most of the things we fear will go wrong never do, but it is difficult to say that we can learn 100% from what our buds here go through, but once done, life is much better.  Good luck and dive into the conversations here at your own pace, which can be a lot faster than what you can do IRL.

[Amanda May]

Thank you.  Vickysgv, you said exactly what my driving force is and fears are.  I dont want GD.  I wish I could fix GD.  Omg, I am GD now and forever and have to deal with the cards I was dealt as to whom i am.  No matter what I try or how hard I try my only happiness is when I accept my GD and present as Amanda May and accept me as female.  I dont like purses but bought my first one yesterday and was really excited.  I could talk about that purse alot i think it is so me.  What a mixed internal message,  wanted some brown boots to go with the new long dress I just bought but got too bashful to try the womens boots on.   What a mixed emotional state I am in.   I have to talk about me as a women to accept who I am, so says my therapist.   I wont give up because this is me.  My first appointment with my therapist whom I have known for years went welMaI I did not know he was a GT.  HOW LUCKY.  He is looking for a dr for me to start my hrt and support groups i can join.  His feelings are it is about time I  realized who I am and give up my male marine image and accept Amanda May ?.   Guess i will get dressed in morning, put on my pretty little dress, rabit eared slippers,  cute little apron and cook myself breakfast while thinking I need to loose some weight and how my wig looks bad on my face.  This is so hard to accept but omg it feels so right.  Talking about my feelings helps me to accept my soul and Amanda May as the new me?.  Everything i have been taught in life says this is wrong but the contentment makes my toes tingle ? and I realize I am Amanda May, a transsexual. As Vickysgv said a person with  GD will have it and will always have it, no matter what.  I have it, will look at GD as a blessing that gives one a unique perspective of life, so I will deal with it, accept it,  loose weight, exercise and get my hair fixed. ?

[TexasLibraryLady]

Congratulations Amanda, you already sound happier and more confident. We all start a bit differently, but I think we all have a lot of those same fears and worries at first. The key is to realize that the life that is on the other side of those fears is so much better than most of us ever dreamed. I'm not saying it will always be easy, but I've met a lot of women (and men) that would never go back and none that have said they wish they'd never done it.

[Charlize]

Welcome Amanda.  i wandered into Laura's at the age of 63.  5 years later after reading and writing here, spending time with my therapist, HRT and surgery i have found a peace with myself and my world i never thought possible.  Self acceptance was perhaps the hardest thing i've ever done  (except getting sober).  All the effort was worth it.  I am loving myself and the world as never before.  Sure there are rough spots but i am facing them as myself which is a miracle in itself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Amanda May,

Welcome to Laura's! I feel like I could sit here and write volumes, because I recognize in myself so many of the fears and doughts, hopes and joys you've spoken of. I denied my true identity for years. It kept bubbling up and wouldn't go and stay away. Finally, it just exploded. Carla said, "I'm coming out of this cage and I ain't going back in!" It was very frightening! I was alone and scared. Finding Laura's was a miracle in my life. Just finding understanding support and friends here really got my life as Carla off and running! As I slowly face my fears, when I get through them I so often find myself wanting to laugh, saying, "This is what I was so afraid of?" Most of the bogeymen I thought were out there turn out to be quite inconsequential. I have an internal happiness as Carla I had never known as a man. It's often difficult and scary, but the joys I feel as Carla can be wonderous! You're in a good place here, and know that you are not alone. We never have to be alone again! I'm so happy to meet you, friend!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Amanda May]

As I sit here as Amanda watching a love storie on tv.  I am afraid that if i proceed i will never find a life partner.   ? I want to be happy, content and in love. I am scared.  Then i think again that my Amanda soul refuses to be quiet and will never be quiet and cause problems resulting in continued breakups.  I am afraid that no matter what i do, i will be alone.  I dont want to be a women but only find an inner peace as a women.  I dont understand why.   When i talk about it to non GD, they think it has to be sexual, but it is not.  Bring my women gives me inner peace.  To continue seems to be the opposite of sex but giving it up.  Non GD people have it so wrong and their fears of us in bathrooms is so wrong.  I want love, contement, companionship.  The closest i will ever come to this is as Amanda May.  There must be a reason why I am so blessed.  I am so lucky i found this site because it is my lifeline.  It gives me hope.  Non GD people will never understand the complution, fear, wants and costs.  Timber wolf you gave me hope,  Thank you.

[Cindy Truheart]

Oh Amanda, you are saying the same things we all seem to say. As I understand it, as we transition with the proper level of mental health care to combat the years of trauma we have, we all become happier and thus healthier people. Fear of being alone is a concern for all of us, nobody wants that. And I may have a wife that loves and supports me now, but even I have to deal with the fact that she may still leave me one day. To put it in her own words, "Bottom surgery is a deal breaker for me." So its always a concern for us I think. And to be honest, both me and my wife are heterosexual yet we are trying to make this work so I really don't have much hope. In the end, I figure I will be alone. My wife isn't going to want what I will become if I can ever save the money for my surgery and I can't think of a man alive who would want me. But faced with a life of holding the real me inside, I'd rather take the plunge. At least then I can go to the grocery store and not feel like slapping the boy bagging my groceries when he walks away from me before loading my cart up with my bags.

[Amanda May]

Thank you Cindy.  Being here has given me the realization i am very lucky.  I have also discovered my story is similar to many transexuals.  Thank you all for the understanding and support.

[TexasLibraryLady]

Amanda, your fear of loneliness is shared by us all. My husband has been very supportive of my transition, he says he is ok with my surgery which is just over 6 months away. Even still, I worry that a man that's only been attracted to men for the last 40 years will not adjust as well to the situation as he thinks he will.

it may be harder to find a relationship. However, I can tell you that I've made stronger and better relationships since transition. I'm happy, open, and looking to live my life now.

[Amanda May]

I guess what I feel today is what everyone goes thru,  I will write my thought processes here.  

Today I am scared and think what I am doing, it is not reversible, if I am wrong.  As a man I can easily find a women to keep me company and have a wonderful life traveling and sharing.  I have two doctor women that are very interested in me as a partner.  I could have a materialistic dream life.  Why can't I have that as Amanda and truly be happy. Traditional hetros do not look for proof they are hetro, while it would be very nice to have concrete proof that I am a women before my life goes upside-down.   I do not like boys but sex  using my one opening is not disgusting.  That is so confusing to me.  Everyone says sex and gender are not the same thing.  What I have observed, in my transsexual research, is it is a component of thinking of how does becoming a women change my outlook on life and attraction .   I have used hair removal kits to remove all my body hair, already.  I have so-called permanent hair removal systems.  They reduce it but do not stop it.  I am so mixed up.

My brother is coming over today and I am going to talk to him about my feelings.  I think it is best to get this over with because it is not going away.  My problem is I wish I had been born a girl and now it scares the daylights out of me but deep down I know I cannot continue as a man.   I have made it 68 years faking it why can't I continue.  The thought of 20 more years of faking it is horrible.  The sadness of not living as Amanda is too profound.   Having the outward appearance of a women is so soothing and it is so me.  Why cant just knowing I am a women be enough but it is not enough.  Amanda May has to be born and I really have no choice no matter how I fight it.  Shopping for clothes has never been fun until I went shopping for Amanda.  I had to leave the store because there were so many beautiful clothes I wanted and knew I should not spent all the money.  It is hard to buy age appropriate clothes.  I have read so many times I will be entering puberty and want to wear very revealing clothes.  On a 68 year old body that is laughable, but I do like dresses and skirts above the knees.

 I am going to tell my brother and if he wants me to move, I will, so as not hurt him, after I finish my home and can sell it this summer.  I will ask him to keep my secret as this is a continued discussion with my therapist and very personal to me.  In my heart, I am Amanda May.   I am positive I am ready for HRT and its resultant physical changes.  Monday I am calling my doctors to see what I can do to start my transition.  Getting my therapist letter is not a problem because he saw it years ago in me.  I have never acted feminine but I must have because in the Marine Corps I had some problems of non acceptance and my therapists has seen it and keep me in therapy looking for my cause of unhappiness.  As a Man, I have always been very bashful and felt out of place.  I am afraid I will not be expressive or social enough to be a women.   Writing helps my feelings and thought processes.  I have discovered that no matter how I feel I am on a path that cannot be changed and I will become Amanda as fast as possible regardless of my fears because it is right.  I guess I will start a blog because it seems more of a place to explore my feelings but I do like the comments here because it makes me feel not alone.  I am crying now because of your acceptance here and the loving comments.  I guess that is not too manly.  I will find a support group Monday.  Thank you ladies because you have given unconditional acceptance that warms my heart and keeps me going at this transitioning time of life.  Guess I will go dress as a boy to wait for my brothers arrival-don't want to shock him too much too quickly.  Amanda

[tracy_j]

Your thoughts are pretty familiar, at least with me Amanda. If you think past the male ego you will likely relalise that nothing is concrete in this life, whether male or female. One thing you do need to be is true to yourself. As a confident self assured person you are likely to have far less issues getting on in life.  Keeping secrets and faking it would break me up. You may be stronger than me but it is something to think about.

The way I approach things is to state things - 'matter of fact'. For me it is just a fact of life and as such the vast majorety of people cope with it. I do make allowances for those that don't so do not dress 'girly' when I am in contact with them. Compromise is never a sign of failure and in my mind is a female virtue.

Don't presume failure! Work towards what you feel is right. Your brother is family and worth working with, not against. It is worth taking things slowly as, if you give him little to raise a barrier against he will likely not do so. When he realises that you are the same person inside he will then begin to accept..

As for clothing - Do not worry. Women are often discussing the issue of short skirts on older women. I think that if a skirt is worn with elegance (rather than tarty) it is unlikely to be a problem. I love my short skirts and am not that much younger than you.

Tracy

[Amanda May]

I just got finished talking to my brother.  I had the courage to come out to him because of all the love I have felt in this site.  I am still new to outwardly accepting my transsexuality and do not understand all the terms but I have accepted my life as a women.  My brother is very supportive.  I am the luckiest gal in the world is how I feel now.  Because of you all I find it easier to verbalize the fact I am a women.  I know there will be difficulties and I will overcome them.  I am so much happier now.  I told my brother I will wait till May to go fulltime but to you all it may be sooner.  I feel so comfortable as Amanda and I hate putting on boy clothes.  Texas Library, Cindy, Lisa, Charlize and Timber wolf; thank you.  The joy I experience today is because of your love and encouragement and the strength and hope you imparted to me.  Because of you all I was prepared for the worse and knew I had to continue,  it was right for me.  I am so lucky it ended good.  Thank you!!!!!

[Carolyn Marie]

That's great, Amanda.  Congrats to you.  Your brother is a mensch.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie