New, lonely, scared and dont know what to do

[Charlize]

Funny that you mentioned your brother Amanda.  My brother has always seemed to be competing with me but when i came out to him he was very happy to have a younger sister he could try to help.  Our relationship is better than ever.  He loves having a "sis"

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Briana]

Hi Amanda and welcome to Laura's.  As you've found, there's a lot of good people here. 

[TexasLibraryLady]

Amanda, I'm happy that you are  having such positive responses from you brother and that you appear to be breaking through some of your fears and doubts.

You mentioned here and in your blog concerns about sex and future relationships. It's a common misconception that all transgender women are attracted to men, and even if we were "heterosexual men" before transition, we will automatically start wanting to be with a man. This is simply not true. Many transgender women were and still are attracted to women. They are called lesbians  True, some transgender people's sexual orientation shifts with transition. Some people think it's the hormones, some think it's the social change, some think we were "always gay but afraid to admit it." Personally, I've always been attracted to men, specifically older, very masculine looking men. Now since transitioning, I suddenly find myself attracted to other women as well. If this attraction had always been there, it certainly would have been easier to act on it before. You may find that you find men more attractive as you go along, or you may not. Either is perfectly fine and normal.

You mention never having a relationship or sex again. Please don't right these things off just because you are transgender. Yes, this area of our lives is a bit more complicated than most people, but it's not hopeless. For all you know, your lady friends may be just as interested in you as Amanda as they are now. If they aren't some other lucky woman will be.

[Amanda May]

Thank you all?,  your support has ment so much to me and given me so much hope and strength.

[tracy_j]

Nice to hear Amanda x

 

[Amanda May]

It is difficult trying to find support in Santa Barbara, at least the door to support and services.  It is difficult to find a doctor or support groups.  Thank goodness I have a therapist.  My med insurance will cover my issues (so lucky) if I can locate the services I need or a doctor to prescribe HRT.  My blessing has not gone away in 68 years, guess I will not go away either.  So far have sent two emails, I hope are going to the right places and made one phone call to a home, I am not sure is correct.  At first it was difficult saying I am a transsexual mtf.  It seemed so scary to say out loud.  It was nice my medical insurance did not handle me in a weird way.  I have discovered as a transsexual I am very sensitive to how people react.  I am frustrated in trying to get help when I am so very certain as to what I need.  Once I get involved, I am going to make sure that others do not have my difficulties.  Unfortunately, I posses  my old presumptions that I help transgender people and have never allowed myself to identified as one even though I knew in my heart I was a women.  I was always impressed with their courage.  It is a completely different mindset to not be someone looking in to help but to admit you are a transsexual looking out.  I am so glad I helped so many people and  had no idea when they said thank you, how important it was to them that I stood with them in support. When I finally find the door and start my HRT, I have to get involved to help the less fortunate individuals than my self find a life and the happiness I now have for the first time.  Luckily I now understand and once I get started will have to find a way to share my feelings with the traditional community.

To more mundane things, I am hungry have a corset on (hopefully it will train my body for a smaller waist) that is very tight and hope I can eat something.  This thing has limited my eating which is great because now that I am a women I have to slim down about 15 pounds.  LOL  Have a good day. Amanda

[tracy_j]

Not a subject I know much about Amanda, but be careful not to wear the corset too tight as it may well constrict things internally. I think there is advice online at reputable corset suppliers if you need it. Others here may have used corsets so may well have some insight.

Tracy

[VickySGV]

Do be careful with corsets they can cause problems it they are too tight, especially at our ages with bruising and circulation problems.  They can cause long term damage before they can do long term help for our figures.  You should have it off three times longer than you have it on, and the positive changes will only last while it is on. To lose weight in a healthy manner get some medical advice about eating (5 small meals vs three huge ones) and exercising on a regular basis. 

There is a small group of TG folks in your area, but your better bet is to come down into the Ventura, or L.A. Areas.  Ventura has it's own Pride festival, and the organization that puts that on would be a good resource to check out.  Google them.

[Amanda May]

Merry Christmas to everyone.  I am having a great Christmas.  Moved all the boy clothes out of my room, have a nice wig and Amanda has moved into my room.   Getting ready to go fulltime.  There are so many clothes to buy.  Shoes and Boots are so great.  With Heels I am about 6 foot one.  When I went to get a wig,  the people were so nice and I explained I had no idea what I wanted.  They had a private room to talk to me and help me with the decision.  It was a really nice experience.  Then a really nice lady in a boutique to get shoes.   She looked down at me.  lol  they did not have my size but she told me where to go-I was so nervous that I don't remember a word she said, lol.  Have a nice shoe coming in the mail. 

OMG I started putting all of Amanda's stuff on my dresser.  The dresser top is totally filled.  Got blue contacts to tone down my green eyes-think I will change them to green then I will look like some wild green eyed women.  Told another relative.  On Tuesday the doctor's office will call me for an appointment to start HRT. 

I have had a great time by myself but soon will come the excursions to public.  I am really scared.  I have only met a few people that have treated me badly and I was not dressed like a girl, but for the most part, I feel ok and forget the bummers.  Attitude is everything.  When I first started shopping for women's clothes I felt like everyone was looking but last time I just acted like it was normal and had no problems. Learning my sized.   So a very Merry Christmas to everyone and if we seek happiness we will find it in ourselves.  Amanda

[tracy_j]

Belated but Merry Christmas Amanda - and a Happy New Year.

This time next year look toward being settled and confident as yourself. Best wishes for an interesting and fruitful year

Love

Tracy x

[Amanda May]

The more I am Amanda the harder it is to be a boy.  Yesterday I went shopping for girl clothes.  It was so scary.  Got my first Bra and that was hard for me.  Attitude (as told here) is everything because you look move comfortable accepting yourself and it helps not to notice other people.  This morning I went for a walk as the true me for the first time, I loved it.  Today I will get eye shadow and lipstick and start being Amanda more.   Once I am in Amanda mode I will drop off a letter I have to give someone and go to Petco to buy my cats pet supplies.   I changed my phone to an Apple so that I can start the EVA program to work on my voice.  My gender identity is as confused as my closet.  Can't remember where I have signed as boy or Amanda.  Guess it is time to put boy away and let Amanda live. I have moved boy clothes to the far side of Amanda's closet that is hard to get to and now have enough Amanda clothes to go full time, not too many since I have to loose weight.  Developing morning and evening routines for Amanda.   SCARRY because I still sound like a boy.  What is surprising me is the more I accept Amanda the more the things I enjoy are changing.  Even with my problems and concerns I am experiences with this transition, I am happier with myself than I can every remember.  I just ignore the looks and move on.  I wear heels and accept I will be tall with them on-statuesque (6'2") as I like to think and proud of it.  When you are that tall I just have to make sure I am put together great and have a pretty girl attitude. 

I wanted to thank all the girls here because you helped me through the beginning tough times.  I am sure more tough times are ahead but you all help me to start and find this greatest happiness I have ever experienced.  Now for the voice-any suggestions? Amanda

[Amanda May]

Thanks ladies I stopped wearing the corset.

[Amanda May]

This is one of those down days.  I am tired of changing my clothes all the time.  I am getting better dressing as a women but it is so hard with the makeup.  Bought lipstick and it is not very pretty on me but a nice color.

My brother said it is hard on everyone and that is depressing me.  It has been hell my whole life not being happy and trying so hard and not understanding why.  I see my happiness on the horizon but don't want to hurt anyone to get it.  He has only had to deal with it for a couple weeks it has been with me my whole life.  I am sure that like everyone else all I wanted was a happy family, hold hands with a partner and cuttle in front of a romantic fire and now I understand that the way I wanted my dream was as a women.  I am afraid to go in public as a women.  Tomorrow it is my desire to put on foundation and some blush.  Tried eye shadow today and eyeliner-omg it is so hard to make it look nice.  When I open my eyes you cannot see the eye shadow.  I am going slow so that I can learn makeup.  I go on walks everyone morning walking as a women.  Because of my heart, had to reduce the distance.  It helps to write here because I do not feel so alone.  I am impatient to start HRT because then I feel that I will finally be on my road and not here in limbo as I feel now.

I try to look at how lucky I am, but emotionally I am very down.  Had my wig on and nocked a contact out of my eye and it stayed in my wig.  I looked for hours for the contact and when I shook the wig it came out.  Boy was I lucky.  Heck of a time trying to brush wig to make it look nice.  I thought maybe just stay a man and try to find a women but I know that would not work because I have to acknowledge Amanda or as a man I will always find a way to ruin the relationship.  I am a women and I act as a women, I dream as a women, I want a partner where I am a women making a home and happiness.  I know that we all have tremendous problems and as things go I am lucky with a home and a retirement income.  I am alone and more alone than I have every felt in the past.  I focus on my home for happiness but that does not stop the emotional hurt, fear and tears.  As Thoreau said, possessions just make for a nicer prison.  I am sorry I am so down tonight.  thank you for support.  I don't understand the strength it takes to transition with fear of job loss.  That is so much strength of character, wish I was a little stronger.  Patient and this too will pass.

[MarcieMarie12]

Take it one day at a time, that is how I found the strength. I set goals, and just walked towards them. I came to the conclusion real early that this process is going to change my personal life.  I knew some of my family and friends might not be understanding. That is on them, not me. The other thing is, I put myself out there. I found groups and places to meet new people that did not know me. Made new friends at those events, which has been great. Some of the posters in CA might have some advice on that and any other local resources (like teaching how to do your make-up). Make-up and setbacks go hand in hand. Eyeliner took me a while to perfect, but cis-girls mess up too. 

 

BTW-You're already making progress.

[Amanda May]

This transitioning is complicated.  The medical is so trying and so expensive.  I may have to go back to work to afford it.  Yet at the same time it is such a happy time. Went to my first PRIDE meeting.  Being the only trans there was interesting.  Being scared to death I realized I had a lot of feelings inside and had to be quiet.  It was fun to be Amanda.  I had boots, jean skirt and nit blouse, purse, getting better at makeup and discovered how to properly put my wig on so it looks natural.  on my way home.  I don't understand why it is becoming so difficult to put boy clothes on.  I postpone everything when dressed as Amanda so that I don't have to change.  Want to start going shopping, food and clothes,  but am very scared to do it.  Have to go and start working on my medical insurance.   Amanda  (even though I have had this name for awhile it is strange to have people that only know me as Amanda but very rewarding at the same time)

[Guest]

23 minutes ago, Amanda May said:

 I don't understand why it is becoming so difficult to put boy clothes on. 

You understand why, sweetie. We all go through or went through it. It's getting more and more difficult for me as well......

[TexasLibraryLady]

Amanda, as I mentioned in your blog, it's very common to find switching back and forth to get harder. Essentially you become more and more natural as yourself.

We all are nervous when we go out at first. We feel all eyes are on us, that everyone knows we're trans. In reality, most people won't even pay attention to you because they are focused on their own stuff.

i know what you mean about meeting people that only know the real you. Most everyone knew me before transition. When I started looking for new social groups, I found how nice it was to have people that only know Janet, whether they know I'm trans or not.

[Guest]

The first couple times I went out even partially dressed or not hiding my boobs, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. The stress was high, but it quickly wanes. Normalcy kicks in and you begin forgetting about it.....

[Jani]

I think switching back and forth from him to her was more frustrating and nerve wracking than going full time.  It was such a relief to be me 24/7.   As Janet (Texas Library Lady) notes other people just don't notice because they are so involved in their own worlds.  The only times I risked being outed was in direct contact, like with a store clerk.  Even then I've not had much trouble since I really try to carry an air of confidence about myself.  I recall my first time, I thought I was going to explode!

6 hours ago, Amanda May said:

Amanda  (even though I have had this name for awhile it is strange to have people that only know me as Amanda but very rewarding at the same time)

This is an awesome problem to have!  I recall the first dozen times I was called by my name in person, it was so awkward but quickly became natural.  Enjoy every moment of your transition.  It will be the time of your life! 

Jani

[Amanda May]

Transition is a great name for what is happening to me.  I am on testosterone blockers and start estrogen on Monday (pharmacy did not have the estrogen).  With the blockers I am already getting emotional cant wait for the estrogen, I think I will be crying all the time. lol.  Going to start my name change since it takes so long in California by having to publish something.  I got embarrassed when I had to pull out my id and it had a male name on it.  Even if they knew I was a male, it still embarrassed me. 

I follow everyone's advice to have a belief and attitude I am a women- because I am a transitioning women.   I must be doing something wrong because a lot of people look at me-I hope it is because I am 6 foot three in my boots-at least that is what I tell myself as I stand up straight with a smile on my face.  When I get home I say boy that was scary. 

I spoke to another trans women and she said it correctly, we can never describe this experience to anyone and how the hormones or lack of one changes thinking.   So true.  I am constantly amazed at how there is similarity in all our stories that are so unique. Sometimes I am afraid I am not courageous enough.  Luckily Amanda will not let me quit. Amanda is a very strong trans women and sometimes stronger that my conscientiousness but she will teach me and I will learn. It is still easier to think of Amanda as another person.  It is exciting that I am transitioning into her to become one.

My therapist gave me a book called "Hope for the Flowers"  by Trina Paulus.  it is so appropriate for what I am experiencing.  Have a good day to all you brave women and men, Amanda

[TexasLibraryLady]

Remember that having courage is not the same as not being afraid. It is being afraid and doing what you need to in spite of the fear. When I transitioned, I had a guy tell me I wasn't strong enough to cut it as a man. In reality going through transition and living my life as a woman has taken more strength and determination than he will ever know.

[VickySGV]

5 hours ago, TexasLibraryLady said:

In reality going through transition and living my life as a woman has taken more strength and determination than he will ever know.

That is absolutely the truth!! 

[Cindy Truheart]

18 hours ago, TexasLibraryLady said:

Remember that having courage is not the same as not being afraid. It is being afraid and doing what you need to in spite of the fear. When I transitioned, I had a guy tell me I wasn't strong enough to cut it as a man. In reality going through transition and living my life as a woman has taken more strength and determination than he will ever know.

Preach sister! I've never had to pull so much courage out of myself as I have in transitioning and I'm not full time yet! Picking up a prescription is harrowing because of the name thing, but going out in public was more so. Waiting in line to use the restroom next to both men and women, and then getting that look from a woman when you come back out because she didn't see you before going in. All I can say is at least the waitress at the restaurant didn't mis-gender me, she just didn't gender me at all. Everyone else at the table was "Sir" or "Ma'am", but I was just "you". So far it's been more of the same, only my wife and friends have been understanding and treat me correctly for the most part. But I wouldn't give it up, not for anything in the world! I'll take that as opposed to being "Sir" and all that comes with that. I was terrified the entire time for the most part which is why I was out with my wife and friends. The terror has only diminished to simple fear now when I go out. So I keep digging up some more courage each time. ....I'm starting to wonder where I'm finding all of this courage!

[Guest]

On 1/14/2017 at 10:51 AM, Amanda May said:

Going to start my name change since it takes so long in California by having to publish something. 

You do not have to publish your name change request if you are doing it for trans reasons. I've been researching this as I plan to change my name and gender marker this year. I'm reading all this stuff over and over to let it sink in. You do not have to get a court order for gender change, but you do for a name change, but the name change doesn't require posting in a paper. Go ahead and take a look at the links I've provided.

http://www.courts.ca.gov/25797.htm

https://transgenderlawcenter.org/resources/id/changing-your-legal-identification-in-california

[VickySGV]

Other states do still require the 4 weeks of publication and it will still be several weeks here in CA since the court does do a background check through our own California Criminal Identification System (CCIS), which is actually hooked in to FBI data bases, and thus saves time there.  I did my name change before the new law came into effect and had to do the "publication" which was really a non-issue since the "Legal Newspaper of General Circulation" was one that ONLY lawyers and credit companies ever really see, although the general public can buy them.  I have the "tear sheet" from the paper in my records as a souvenir of the ordeal.