Cosmetic SRS/GRS Regrets and Cautionary Advice

[Zyfron]

In early June 2016, about 7 months ago now, I had "cosmetic" SRS/GRS, which for those who don't know is basically regular SRS but without a vaginal canal, which means quicker recovery and no dilation, and far fewer risks for surgical complications. It's been far more of an emotional rollercoaster than I ever imagined. This is one of the forums where I found information about surgery before making my final decision, so I wanted to share my experiences here ... both in the hopes that someone can offer some words of support at a time when I need them and also to give people more to think about, if they are considering this procedure.

I had my surgery done in Thailand, by Dr. Chettawut, There were no serious complications, everything turned out looking and feeling great. I have full sensitivity and my labias and clitoris are so much fun, they feel very natural and I can get a lot of sexual pleasure out of them which feels very "right" and not dysphoric and "wrong" the way sex and self gratification always used to feel. I can't say enough positive things about that so it's worth mentioning first; if you are worried at all that it will look wrong or feel wrong ... that hasn't been my experience, at least. It took about 3 months before I could touch anything without pain, at 7 months there's still a few sore spots but I think I have basically the physical sexual function I'm going to have. The only time there was any issue, I got a small infection at about 4 months, and had to be on antibiotics for a few days, but it cleared up immediately and wasn't a problem. I missed about 6 weeks of work, and was then working half days for about another 6 weeks, and by 3 months I was having my regular work routine and even doing the same martial arts I did before surgery, so in the non-sexual parts of life everything was pretty normal after about 3 months of recovery.

 But not having the vaginal "hole" has been a terrifying roller-coaster of negative emotions. When I was planning this surgery, my reasoning was that sex was not a big part of my life and hadn't been for years; I had along-term partner but we didn't really have sex. My sex drive was very low. Sex was something that really bothered me both due to dysphoria and due to my own issues with shame and childhood trauma. I absolutely DID have a desire to be penetrated and an interest in "normal" heterosexual relationships even though I'm currently in a long-term relationship with a cis woman. But I also thought to myself "is it worth it?" Is it worth the pain, the recovery time, the money, the dilation? When I learned dilation had to go on for the rest of your life and not just for the first year or so, it bothered me, now it seems like maybe it bothered me more than it should have. I talked about my feelings with several people; quite a few cis women told me something to the effect of "the clit is the important part why go through all that pain just for the vagina?" and therapists told me "well it seems like you've thought it through ... if you thought about it and that's what you want then just decide and do it." But I had hesitations and doubts; I wanted to be penetrated; I wanted to be "normal," but I told myself that was just my own doubts and hangups and I would get over it and it wouldn't matter that much -- I could still have sexual pleasure, so what did it matter? I know so many trans people with no bottom surgery who are happy people with happy sex lives, and I had dated and had sex with non-operative trans people as a non-operative trans person, so it felt very insulting to those people for me to say that having a vagina must be so important... and I dismissed my desire for a vagina as petty for that reason. I didn't have a real medical reason; I'm 28 and healthy, though I did have fears because I often recover slowly, but every doctor told me there was no medical reason not to have the vaginoplasty. I also felt like, and I don't intend this as any sort of judgement on anyone else but I think it's important to acknowledge the thought process, I felt like the vagina I could get from surgery would still not be "normal" in that it wouldn't lubricate or respond quite like a cis vagina is "suppossed" to, and of course wouldn't be reproductive, and I thought my brain would latch on to those differences just as much as it would latch on to not having a vagina at all, and I'd have to deal with some feeling of not being "normal" either way. I might have been right about that; it's not like I could try it both ways to know for sure. I knew for certain; though; I wanted to "look" normal at a glance; that I should be able to share a bathroom or a hotel room or go camping or swimming and not always worry someone would see a buldge in my pants and then never see me as a woman again, which I worried a lot about before surgery. The surgery I had has accomplished that goal perfectly.

I had minor regrets, little, very manageable sadness about not having vaginal sex even before surgery and considered telling the doctor to change it to a full vaginoplasty, but I told myself it was just pre-surgery jitters and I pushed it down. Immediately after surgery, recovery was painful and I was so grateful I'd done the "easier" way. About 8 weeks ago, my hormone dose changed. I've been on hormones for about four years now but no doctor has every found a really good, stable dose for me. I was happy on pills back in 2014 but the clinic where I live now insisted on shots, and we did that for about two years while they tried to find something I would respond to (just estradiol, had orchi back in 2013 so no spiro). 8 weeks ago I FINALLY convinced them to put me back on the pills which were actually working after being off of them for two years, and suddenly two things happened: my sex drive returned and my ability to process my emotions (and the immediate intensity of those emotions) also shot through the roof ... five months AFTER I'd just had my surgery. And now suddenly, the drive to be penetrated is so much stronger. Now suddenly my urge for sex and not just for sexual pleasure but for "sex" is much stronger than its been in years. Suddenly I'm realizing how much my childhood trauma is tied up in all of this and how much my sex drive and also my shame about it is being driven by partial and repressed memories that I'm still trying to recover, and not just by my body and my gender identity. And all of this, the sex drive, the trauma processing, the regret, is sending me into a spiral of depression and suicide fantasies to a level I've not had to deal with in years. Suddenly it's gone from feeling like sex isn't that important to me to having trouble not being overwhelmed by it even during completely non-sexual parts of my day. And it's not just the hormone change, I think, it's also that I actually CAN have sex now with little enough dysphoria that it's fun to do; and I can't blame my feelings of shame and self-hate on "having a penis" anymore, and it's just so much more tied up with everything in my subconscious than I ever anticipated, and so much more emotionally painful than i was prepared for. And now when I feel bad about not having a vagina, it's not an accident of birth I'm upset about it's "my fault' for the decision that I made and it all turns inward instead of outward. And I know it's all in my head, in a sense; I don't have any partner telling my I am inadequate or any doubt that I can give my partner pleasure ... but it winds up being important in my own mind and sending me into these spirals of depression, shame, and suicide fantasies. I don't have any doubt that I can experience pleasure, either, nor do I expect a vagina would lead to more sexual pleasure than I can have now, but somehow to this negative thought pattern that I'm trying to process, that's "not the point," worrying about whether my partner is satisfied feels far more pressing, even if its just a fantasy during self gratification. I know that's some kind of trauma hangup, but it's so difficult to get away from.

So now I'm not really sure what I'll do; whether experimenting with hormones might help. I'm doing lots of therapy and journaling to see if processing my trauma will also settle my sexuality. I'm not even sure, at this point, whether anything can be done to change this and whether I should be figuring out whether a second surgery is appropriate (or even possible) to actually do a full vaginoplasty, or whether this is just something I will need to come to terms with. Some days, some hours, it feels like I will recover and be at peace with my decision and it's all great. Other hours, I feel desperately depressed and overwhelmed. It's been this way for about 8 weeks now; and it's only subsided slightly, it still feels overwhelming.

I don't expect anonymous people on the internet to "fix this" for me so I'm not really looking for anyone here to "make it all better" or anything like that. But what I do want, is that if anyone is considering cosmetic SRS, they take the following advice:

1. Be on a stable hormone dose for at least a few months before surgery. I was on hormones for four years, but it was never stable, they kept changing it, and I think my dose was so low it made me very out of touch with my sexuality when I was making this decision. I even went into surgery saying to my doctor "we'll mess with the dose some more after surgery." I think that was a mistake. I even thought to myself "I don't want a high sex drive now because of dysphoria, but after surgery I plan to reconnect with my sexuality so more hormones will be great" and I feel now that that was a big mistake; I should have fully connected with my sexuality as much as I could BEFORE making the final decision on surgery; even in spite of the pain dysphoria caused.

2. Do whatever you can to really process your emotional baggage (trauma, shame, etc) BEFORE committing to a final decision. I feel like a put this off a lot thinking "everything will be better after surgery, once the dysphoria is gone" and now I'm wondering if I made the "wrong" decision because my mind was too clouded by other issues.

3. Really dive into your sexual desires, allow yourself permission to feel and want what you want. I told myself "I know you want that but that's not worth it / you shouldn't feel that way" and I feel like that was a big mistake.

I don't know where this will land in my life. I'm hoping that once I process all this, I will be able to make peace with my decision and it will still have been the "right" decision for my life. But what I do know is: I wish I had done more of those three things BEFORE my surgery and then go in with certainty, even if it took longer to do, rather than to be in this position AFTER surgery, now being afraid that I made the wrong choice and that it may be completely irreversible.

Sorry for the very long and personal post; but I hope that my story can help others making the same decision. I know my situation was a perfect storm of trauma, hormone imbalance, and therapists who didn't really know what to do with me ... but I also know those issues are all common for trans people, and I doubt I'm the only one facing these sorts of thoughts and issues. I hope it helps.

[Cyndee]

Thanks for sharing here, and want to wish you some peace living your life going forward.

These decisions are so personal and require such careful consideration. I've been there, and now on the other side, happy to experience no regrets. I will just say sex is part of being human, it's quite nice to have sex align with mind.

Best to you

Cyndi -

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's Zyfron.  When i read your story i must admit to feeling fortunate in one way.  I have severe heart disease so it took me a long time to even get doctors who would support me in getting an orchi.  The idea of going any further is simply impossible.  My chances of survival would be slim.  I've had to accept that knowing i've done all i can do.  Between my age, hormones, the procedure and a wife who has MS my sex life is a thing of the past.  Another thing to accept.

 I feel blessed to have the support i do here where i can share my experiences with others.  Somehow that helps and hopefully being open and honest with others helps them as well.  Thanks for your share.  We are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Welcome to Laura's Zyfron.  I'm sorry for your feelings about your surgery.  Since it is complete there's not much I can say other than to take comfort in your original reason and decision process.   You could contact a few surgeons to see if a major revision could be done.  I know this would entail another round of healing and dilation, as well as the expense of it al.  You mention past discussion with a therapist but maybe you should consider that again to discuss your feelings and what you might need to do to feel good again.

Jani

[Guest]

Welcome Zyfron, I'm glad you are here!

The wonderful step is being able to share all this. It will help you and many others. I believe that therapy can be good,  but we need more peer to peer conversation. It is so life altering and people that don't have the problem or need the cure just can't know what we know or feel what we feel. That is not to say that they don't want to give the very best help, as they do.

Let me say I think there is a lot of baggage that comes with the baggage. Or more correctly, removing the original baggage. It would be marvelous if every transition was a miracle success, basically we just get a new path and a new growth process. Few if any of us that have come this far, ever want to go back to where we were for more than a fleeting moment of the what ifs.

I'm not the most diligent at dilation, yes penetration is good and pleasurable, but for me it is secondary to all the different sexual pleasure I can receive. This being said by someone with no partner. I'm still an active sexual being. Maybe I  have little to offer you in the grand picture. I'm just glad you are here and talking about it as an informed source of knowledge. We're fun to hang around with too,  you will fit right in. Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest]

Welcome to Lauras! I wasn't even aware that cosmetic SRS was a thing. I've seen that question asked, but never seen an answer. I'm so very sorry to hear all that

I don't think I would even think about that, myself. While I don't have much or any really, sex drive, I'm certain that I would want penetrated with toys and such (I'm only attracted to women), even if only occasionally. But GCS/SRS has been on my mind a lot for me lately. Thank you for your post.

*HUGS*

-Fiona

[Guest]

36 minutes ago, Fiona said:

 

I don't think I would even think about that, myself. While I don't have much or any really, sex drive, I'm certain that I would want penetrated with toys and such (I'm only attracted to women), even if only occasionally. But GCS/SRS has been on my mind a lot for me lately. Thank you for your post.

*HUGS*

-Fiona

So does that mean your available Tuesday night?  LOL!  Forgive me, I'm just playing, I have WFTDA roller derby practice that night.

GCS started out for me as "Oh, no way!" The longer I lived as a woman, the more it became a need. In about four years post HRT it became an all consuming desire. Mister, you got to go!!!

I very seriously considered that option, I went for the higher pain, high maintenance option because I don't have a clear view of my sexuality. If I had to self identify it would be hetero lesbian (intersex you know) with the possibility of men on the side. Giggle.

I can't claim bisexual the ratio of women to men is very female biased. When I was young I was tri-sexual, I'd try anything once! Later I  just concluded I'm me, a sexual being. I  did try the pansexual thing but I  hated it because I got a nasty burn from the cooking spray! Oops, TMI!  Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest]

15 minutes ago, JodyAnn said:

So does that mean your available Tuesday night?  LOL!  Forgive me, I'm just playing, I have WFTDA roller derby practice that night.

GCS started out for me as "Oh, no way!" The longer I lived as a woman, the more it became a need. In about four years post HRT it became an all consuming desire. Mister, you got to go!!!

I very seriously considered that option, I went for the higher pain, high maintenance option because I don't have a clear view of my sexuality. If I had to self identify it would be hetero lesbian (intersex you know) with the possibility of men on the side. Giggle.

I can't claim bisexual the ratio of women to men is very female biased. When I was young I was tri-sexual, I'd try anything once! Later I  just concluded I'm me, a sexual being. I  did try the pansexual thing but I  hated it because I got a nasty burn from the cooking spray! Oops, TMI!  Hug. JodyAnn

To play with bits?? LOL

When I first started out I said the same thing, never. After a couple years it’s evolved to I wonder if my insurance will pay for it, then to, time to start saving. I’m not sure I would say it’s become all consuming, yet, but frankly, based upon my changes to date, I can’t imagine that it won’t consume me in the future L

Like I said, I heard that question asked a few times and even though I hadn’t really heard that was an option, I thought about that. I pretty quickly came to the conclusion, that I know myself well enough that there’s no way I wouldn’t want to ‘play’. I’m even thinking hard about an Orchie, whether it’s worth the money and then to later do the whole GCS. I haven’t come to a conclusion, still thinking and reading.

As for men, I did try that a few times many years ago and it just isn’t my thing, but hey, I marked that off the old list. J

Burned huh LOL.  Perhaps you’re doing it wrong? LOL

A year ago my wife, knowing I am not attracted to me, asked if I could see myself with a pre-op or non-op trans-woman. My first kneejerk reaction was no, I’m not in those bits. But that bothered me, why did I feel that way? Does it really matter? After several months, and concluded that I could indeed be with a pre/non-op transwoman. And quite frankly I can’t help but think the estrogen has helped nudge me in that direction. But either way, it kinda amazed me that I was able to think that through and actually change my mind. I think the Ricki in the movie Boy meets Girl kinda helped too. I’ve watched it several times and thought about whether I could see myself with her, even though she still has the ‘other’ bits, I came to the conclusion that I loved her character so much, it truly didn’t matter to me. And sex would be, whatever it turned out to be. Wow, this is the first time I’ve admitted all this out loud. I mean I’ve told my wife an counselor snippets, but never these details.  Kinda feels good to come to a loving conclusion, about a person, not their ‘bits’

*HUGS*

-Fiona

[Guest]

See,  my off the wall humor has prompted something good. I'm waiting for the OP to check in too. I hope she stays here a lot.

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, JodyAnn said:

See,  my off the wall humor has prompted something good. I'm waiting for the OP to check in too. I hope she stays here a lot.

Indeed. If we ever see each other in person, I challenge you to an off the wall humor duel!!

[MarcieMarie12]

I kind of knew GCS was in my future once I began transitioning. I gave myself 6 months RLE before I would start working towards it. But in the end my feelings didn't change. I still feel that I need that one final step. I even have money saved up if I need it, but have been told kaiser will cover it--I'm in VA, and we are getting it covered in 2017. I'm going to get my second letter soon, have a meeting with that person this Friday, then it is sent to a case manager and then I get on the schedule of one of their surgeons (most likely July/August).

[Guest]

On 12/30/2016 at 0:21 PM, Fiona said:

Indeed. If we ever see each other in person, I challenge you to an off the wall humor duel!!

You're on! At first I thought you were speaking to the Original Poster. Then my little oven lightbulb came on.

[Guest suden]

Happy new year all- I,ve been wanting to write on this since I first saw it. This topic is spot on at this point in my transition! I wish to have full SRS some day and do I just jump in and do it all at one time or take it one step at a time. I,ve been on hrt for 14 months and was hoping to have a orch. some time this year. But reading posts and always thinking I was wondering about just having the SRS and moving on with my life. Pre-hrt I was never sure of myself who and what I was. After staring htr I was finally at home in myself no longer wondering and wondering in my head. I'm a true believer I was meant to be a woman. Just how much of a woman do I want and need to be.

Thanks for starting this post. this conversation was already milling around in my head and will be until I see my doc. in march.

Thanks all and JodyAnn keep your oven light on-It helps.   thanks eden

 

[Guest LesleyAnne]

Great post, from the originator.....Thank You Zyfron!, and the input from others are a wonderful addition to this post. 

My closest friend (whom I will not disclose...I'll let her do that!) who is also a member of Laura's just went through the full vaginoplasty, and through all the pain she holds no regrets. She did however wrestle with the cosmetic versus the complete vaginoplasty. She is still in recovery mode, I talk with her often, and know her well enough to know that she make the right decision for herself. 

I've been on HRT for 2 1/2 years now, and am going thru the angst of making my next step! I've already gone thru a bi-lateral orchiectomy, and that was also 2 1/2 years about the same time I started HRT. Both steps have been very satisfying for me. I have no problem looking correct wearing pants, levi's etc. so as soon as I put underwear on I look right, but mentally I know it's still not right. So my feelings at this stage is that cosmetic will not work for me since I've already experienced a small part of the cosmetic change. 

My dilemma now is I'm leaning towards FFS first since I am not happy with my manly look. I feel I am too easily clocked, since I'm 5'10" tall with big feet, and big hands, too much of my body image cues people into seeing me as male....not to mention when I open my fat mouth which I'm still grappling with, even after many hours trying different voice training courses. 

I'm 68, or will be in a few days, and I realize I don't have as much time in front of me as I have behind me. I'm also not made of money, living on Social Security, and my VA disability doesn't afford me much room to save for both....the clock is still going tick tock. Medicare is out since none of the doctors that do GCS will take it, and FFS is also not covered by Medicare either. There were high expectations that the VA was moving towards surgeries had a different election outcome had taken place, but my last session with my VA trans group discussed that it's pretty much off the table. HRT is still there for us, and is expected to stay, but advancing further is considered out as told to us by the VA therapists. 

My situation is a lot like Zyfron in that I'm in a long term relationship of 45 years, and my spouse is cis-gendered female who is NOT a lesbian. So sex has been off the table since I came out to her in 2014. Right at this moment I can honestly say sex is not on my agenda....that's not to say I haven't briefly thought about it from time to time, but it is not on my mind as it once was when I was a fully functioning testosterone laden robot. So at the risk of being redundant I'm leaning first towards FFS and voice surgery (by an unnamed doctor in Los Angeles), and then if I live long enough to afford the full vaginoplasty.

It all boils down to picking our battles in order to feel as whole as we can, given our individual circumstances.

My two cents! 

I just wish us all peace.....

[Guest]

On 1/1/2017 at 6:31 PM, JodyAnn said:

You're on! At first I thought you were speaking to the Original Poster. Then my little oven lightbulb came on.

Ooooops. I shoulda been more clear. LOL