My Blood Test Results

[Guest Alicia Rose]

Had my third Endo. visit the other day and got my results back! 

Feb. 23rd 2017 Blood Results:
Testosterone - 39 ng/dL (Low)
Estradiol - 106 pg/mL (High)

My previous results in Nov. 2016 were: T - 169 (Low) and E - 82 (HIgh)

I'm glad to see the numbers get much better and look forward to a brighter future. I'm still struggling with certain things like finding peace in my head and being happy. I'm wanting to move out and meet new friends. That is the positive change I'm longing for! It's hard to be super happy when so alone. But I'm hanging on.

[Aanzinaago'Stephanie]

Jealous Moon, first of, thank you for sharing your wonderful news. I am glad the results are what you are looking for.

I am going to empathize with your isolation, and I am sorry if I misread your feelings (it can be particular difficult sometimes over a 2-dimensional format, such as forums/emails/texts).

Feelings of isolation are certainly difficult. I was there in my deepest depression (didn't realize yet I had PTSD). I started to keep myself out of any human contact. Later, I found more excuses to not go out. Didn't want to see my ex, didn't really need to do my shopping. Etc.

After therapy and following acceptance (a buddhist approach), I found when I sat with my isolation, I came to find out that I was fearful of acceptance/rejection. Fearful of what other people will say and reject me for being me.

I set myself small steps to overcome these. Testing a place in boy clothing to get a feel for the location. Then going in there the way I wanted to. When I went grocery shopping (as an example), I felt like EVERYONE was staring at me and judging me (I told myself it was impossible to know what they are thinking, and started to breath). I still finished my groceries in record time and I came home and needed a shower (sweat so much). But it made me glad to face my fear and accept it (not overcome it, just know it was there... and the more I recognized it, the more I became calm).

A friend network is so important! If I was closer to you, I would certainly invite you for tea/coffee. I truly believe human contact in any form is exceptionally healthy for us all. I am fortunate that my older friends (older in the sense they've known my for 20+ years) have accepted me as transgendered and I am able to do activities with them without worrying about judgment. Eventually, it led me to garner better confidence. I also believe a bit of friendliness in your day to day interact goes very far. It's led me to go for coffees with strangers that developed in friendships. My old self would never have done this because I grew up understanding that my sensitivity was wrong and too thin-skinned. Now I see it as a beautiful aspect of my being: a way to understand complex emotions and situations. And I had an extremely wonderful time going out to a dance club not too long ago with a bunch of girl friends (I even just faced my fear when the bouncer asked me for ID and did a triple take when he saw me -- took it as a compliment .)

Oops, kind of going on a tangent! Sorry. I guess to shorten my already long answer, you will make that friend network you are longing for and it will be so awesome. Local support groups, if you aren't in one (and if there is one in your area), can help me connect you with some people too.

I truly wish you the best in all your next endeavours!!!

Love, Stephanie

[Guest Alicia Rose]

@Aanzinaago'Stephanie Thank you for the nice reply. I'm very happy to hear you're facing your fears and learning to handle them.

I've met a girl named Anna online that lives a few hours away from me and we've literally been texting on phone almost non-stop for a week now. While we're not going to soon, we have already agreed to meet up one day and hang out (after her SRS in March). Of course, there is still a big difference between online and real life friends. Which, I'm hoping she will change that.

A support Group would be amazing but I believe they're too far away and I don't drive. And I'd be too nervous taking an UBER ride there and be alone far from home. But, now that I've said that it might not be a bad idea. I just don't know how those work, if they're free etc. lol

Anyway, thank you for your reply.

[JJ]

Congratz on the better numbers!

I live in an ultra conservative area dominated by Evangelical churches and people who revel in the label redneck hillbilly. I was not only frightened but often felt so alone and isolated. I share my household with my granddaughter and daughter (and at that time my granddaughter's father who was extremely anti LGBT) and while my granddaughter embraced the transition with ease at 10, my daughter who is an only child struggled and was more distant for over a year. I still have only met 2 trans people face to face in the 6 years since I transitioned and both came here to meet me.

But I decided to just be myself and let the chips fall where they may. To get through each day as best I could. Now 6 years later I find more people want to be friends and have relationships than I have time or inclination for. I'm deeply introverted by nature and transition didn't completely change that though it did ultimately make me more comfortable with it.

Hang in there and in time you will find you are no longer thinking in trans terms but just human terms. And the people around you will be the same. That as you like yourself better and are more comfortable with yourself others will feel the same. Funny thing is , as I have related in other posts, even the people who are anti-trans see me as an exception because they want to like me. One person at my daughter's work made an anti trans statement in her hearing and she called them on it. It was someone I had known through transition too. When my daughter reminded them I was trans they said "That's different. That's JJ and he's cool". Because they want to like me they just block from their minds I am trans or was ever any different. Okay with me because I didn't transition to live as a trans man but a man.

Sure sometimes I would like to discuss trans issues IRL with another trans person. My daughter has become not only accepting but a huge advocate and yet there are aspects only another trans person can really understand fully. I can get that understanding online and it has become enough. But i am no longer isolated  as i was in the beginning and the way in which I am isolated in that there is no one here who can really understand my inner journey is no longer an important part of my life. You move past having a trans life to just having a life. And there will be people who want to just be friends with someone they like.

Johnny

[Guest Alicia Rose]

@JJ Thanks for the nice reply. I'm wanting to meet trans people in real life because I feel there's just a big difference from Online and Real Life. It would feel way more personal and open. Can't hide a lot of things like we can online. It could be encouraging to feel like: Okay so they see me, hear me, know me. I'm unable to hide from them.

Wouldn't that be a push of encouragement? I'm lacking that. To live a wonderfully happy life as my authentic self is everything I want and nothing would be better for me. Anyway--

I'm glad to hear about the positives in your life. It is a tad funny how some people can be that way.. judgemental but let it pass on someone they happen to know, right? Maybe that can help them better understand things aren't all black and white. It's unfortunate some minds are closed to just accepting others for the people they are without giving 'special passes'. Anyway--

Thank you for the reply and insightful input. I'm planning ahead and getting my life together. My blood results were better than expected, so I'll keep my head up high and try my best to be confident.

[Aanzinaago'Stephanie]

I agree regarding online vs not online encounters, but sometimes you can be pleased that some are the same online and not.  It seems like you have an attainable goal and method to reach your goal.

I know that certain companies such as Uber is cost-driven (similar to taking a taxi). So, if funds are low, that can be tricky. What about events around where you live? I don't know how people are in your area regarding LGBTQ, so unfortunately I can't really suggest things without knowing if there is a level of possible maliciousness. That said, I often find that artistic events are pretty open-minded (poetry, visual-type arts, symphony/plays). I went to a paranormal event and yes, some people avoided me (but because I am trans? I would never be able to say), and a certain amount of people there directly included me in conversations, including the organizers.

[Guest Alicia Rose]

Yeah I don't really see anything super close, but I don't keep tabs on Trans Events much. If I were to see any nearby I would try to go. I'll try checking my state's LGBT site and look for events.

My goal would be to just get out and meet others.