The Perceptions of Loss When You Come out as Transgender

[VickySGV]

This is a real phenomena that many have to deal with.  I suppose this could fit in the Families Forum, but this is mostly for us.

1http://transgenderuniverse.com/2017/03/13/the-perceptions-of-loss-when-you-come-out-as-transgender/

[tracy_j]

This is very interesting.

One of my experiences is that with several people I get the conception that they have catagorised me and that I suddenly don't fit into that mould. I am not talking the close family members here, just friends who like to have good control of any situation. Becoming unpredictable does not help their composure! I don't think there is mourning, just lack of understanding.

With close family it is different but as I have not transitioned as such I cannot fully comment, but I think that my gradual change has resulted in no tendency towards mourning. My take on things is that if people really know you they would have seen the signs and adapted as time went on. It is being at one with a person, not a gender. In life many things may come along to make fundemental changes. Illness, disability, addiction the list is long. Any of these may instigate mourning for the original person but one thing everyone should realise is that things change and nothing is forever (bad or good)!

Tracy

[Charlize]

Thank you Vicky.  When i read this i welled up with tears thinking of my family.  Her last line pretty much sums up my feeling now.  4 almost 5 years later and i know they still miss him.  Fortunately my family has grown to accept and love me as i am as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Guest]

My wife is going through a serious grieving process right now, worse than when we lost family members, which is tearing me in half.  

[Charlize]

I am sorry Fiona.  Hopefully your wife will find the peace with you that mine has managed.  Even at this point when she mentions that she misses him i well up with tears.  That is one reason this article affected me so much.  When we are dead we don't see the pain others may feel.  In transition we see that and for me getting through that time was only possible with help here and from a gender therapist.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Charlize said:

I am sorry Fiona.  Hopefully your wife will find the peace with you that mine has managed.  Even at this point when she mentions that she misses him i well up with tears.  That is one reason this article affected me so much.  When we are dead we don't see the pain others may feel.  In transition we see that and for me getting through that time was only possible with help here and from a gender therapist.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Thanks. I feel like I'm dead in the middle, but people seem to get through it..........

[Cindy Truheart]

I can totally relate to this article. My wife is still grieving my loss too. It really sucks to have to comfort someone you love for losing you when you haven't left. Sometimes I get the urge to go back, to de-transition, just to take that pain away from her. But I can't do it, and then I feel guilty for being so selfish....

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Cindy Truheart said:

I can totally relate to this article. My wife is still grieving my loss too. It really sucks to have to comfort someone you love for losing you when you haven't left. Sometimes I get the urge to go back, to de-transition, just to take that pain away from her. But I can't do it, and then I feel guilty for being so selfish....

May I ask how long shes been grieving, Cindy? 

Yes, I've sat while she was in tears, contemplating how I can fix this for her. Last year, I would have changed and been miserable until it sunk in that didn't work the first time, and isn't going to work now. Now, it crosses my mind, but then I just break down because there's nothing I can do......

[Cindy Truheart]

2 hours ago, Fiona said:

May I ask how long shes been grieving, Cindy?

Since June 2016. The crying has stopped (2 months ago?), at least any that is outward that I can see. Now it's just looks, wistful sighs, and her telling me she misses him. I don't know that she will ever be completely over it, but it is getting better. I try to occasionally show her that I'm the same person on the inside by making sure she sees that I'm watching a car show or playing a racing video game (hey, I love cars!) I've actually seen her out of the corner of my eye giving a quiet smile from the door of the room when she saw what I was doing. It seemed to reassure her that I'm still the same person. But that was a risk, because I also knew that it could send her over the edge into depression at the thought of who I'm becoming versus what I was. I don't think there was any way around it for us, we just had to go through it. For my part, I feel we are closer than ever now. Trust isn't something I'm good at, and I've had to trust her. She could have destroyed me, but she didn't. So yeah, it's starting to get better.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Everyone,

I am not married, so I have no spouse. But I do have sisters. One of my sisters was showing grief over Christmas. She started to cry and hugged me. It may seem a smaller deal to us, but in our binary world, society teaches that our assigned sex at birth is locked in. Other than spouses, which I'm not qualified to comment on here, I suspect parrents may be another group especially affected with grief or mourning over us. My Dad really wanted a son, and when I came, having a son, not just a child, meant so much to him. He has passed a few years ago and never knew me as Carla. He may have accepted me, but I'm sure it would have really hurt him. He would have felt he was loosing his beloved son. To be honest, I am glad for that reason that he never got to find out.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[MarcieMarie12]

6 hours ago, Lisa said:

There's nothing about this journey that's easy for any of us. Damned if we do, damned if we don't. It's good to be alive though.....perhaps for the first time in my life, it's good to be alive.

I think that about sums it up for my final decision to transition. My reasoning was that if people truly love me, they will regardless of if I was "him" or me. Saying that seems a bit narcisstic/selfish, but in the end I think it is true. 

[Cindy Truheart]

2 hours ago, Timber Wolf said:

My Dad really wanted a son, and when I came, having a son, not just a child, meant so much to him. He has passed a few years ago and never knew me as Carla. He may have accepted me, but I'm sure it would have really hurt him. He would have felt he was loosing his beloved son. To be honest, I am glad for that reason that he never got to find out.

Same for my father, he passed without ever meeting the real me. But I know he wouldn't have accepted me. He was distant with me my entire life because deep down he knew the truth and he tortured me to force me to act like a boy. The man was literally my first bully. For the rest of my family, I don't know. I started distancing myself from everyone very early on. There were years that went by where I didn't have any contact at all with anyone. Now they all feel like strangers to me. I literally didn't have any contact with my sister for over a decade.... I get to come out to her next week.

[MarcieMarie12]

I have two older brothers and 5 nephews. My father has been the most supportive in the family, and I'm glad he was able to finally have a daughter. I like to think he is also glad to finally have a daughter-not something that he would admit though. We  have been getting together for lunch about once a month during the week (He's retired).

[Guest]

15 hours ago, Cindy Truheart said:

Since June 2016. The crying has stopped (2 months ago?), at least any that is outward that I can see. Now it's just looks, wistful sighs, and her telling me she misses him. I don't know that she will ever be completely over it, but it is getting better. I try to occasionally show her that I'm the same person on the inside by making sure she sees that I'm watching a car show or playing a racing video game (hey, I love cars!) I've actually seen her out of the corner of my eye giving a quiet smile from the door of the room when she saw what I was doing. It seemed to reassure her that I'm still the same person. But that was a risk, because I also knew that it could send her over the edge into depression at the thought of who I'm becoming versus what I was. I don't think there was any way around it for us, we just had to go through it. For my part, I feel we are closer than ever now. Trust isn't something I'm good at, and I've had to trust her. She could have destroyed me, but she didn't. So yeah, it's starting to get better.

Thank you for that. I'm glad that it's slowing, if only in appearance. 

 

[Jani]

It's hard.  My wife says I'm not her husband any longer, which is more or less correct.  I counter that I am still her life partner and that hasn't changed.  She knows that I was very unhappy for a long time and this has changed that so she does see a benefit.  The unhappiness was always with myself not life, and she was the one who brought happiness to it.  It is a form of solace, if at least in small measure.  I know she's struggling with the thought of the final element of my change.    

Jani

[Guest]

On 3/16/2017 at 11:40 AM, Cindy Truheart said:

I can totally relate to this article. My wife is still grieving my loss too. It really sucks to have to comfort someone you love for losing you when you haven't left. Sometimes I get the urge to go back, to de-transition, just to take that pain away from her. But I can't do it, and then I feel guilty for being so selfish....

Yes, Actually for a long time I would torture myself like that. These days I get sad and cry with her, but I've learned the hard way, that I cannot ever go back.

 

And I have a quote from an article that I placed on my facebook, it's pretty rough for me when I first read it:

"Watching people mourn the loss of you while you are standing right in front of them is a surreal experience, that only someone who is transgender can truly understand"

[Jani]

Rereading this article and the comments below it I can't say I have seen any indication of mourning in my family (besides my wife), as they have been accepting and kind to me as they always have been.  I have three sisters and two brothers in law.  They have been wonderful to me.  Even among my friends no one seems to be "down" about me.  I hope it's because they see the same person, albeit only happier.  I feel I am certainly lucky as I do have friends who have lost all family contacts. 

Jani 

[Guest]

That old saying "we're still the same person". I could never really wrap my head around it because we really aren't the same. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and I think I figured it out, for me anyway. I realize that I am the same core individual. I feel the same feelings as before, although some are new and feelings are far more intense, I realized that I am indeed the same. The difference is how I acted/reacted. So, when my wife says "ohhh nooo you're not the same"!

My personal conclusion is that my core being is the same, but my 'user-interface', if you will, has changed. What do I mean by that? A user interface is a technical term for how a human controls a piece of equipment. Which includes the display, what the human sees".

What has made a 170-degree change is my user-interface. How people see me. How people hear me. I had no idea of this, but my wife and I were in the car, she was driving and a girlfriend called. When I finished my conversation my wife told me "I have no idea who that was. You completely turned into someone else, I didn't even recognize your voice"!

When we're out and she stands back and really pays attention, she wouldn't know who that is.

My wife told me that her brother told her that even he said to her "even I can see that 95% of 'deadname' is gone. You have t come to terms with that".

Even if I dressed the old way, my wife said "it almost doesn't matter because you're not the same at all". 

While we all feel genuinely better during transition and/or hormones, it does change us more than we realize. I'm nine months in and I'm still trying to control the little witch that pops up from time to time. Ugh. LOL

Anyway, I guess my point is, we are both: 1) the same, And 2) different. We tend to be less aware of our mannerisms and other non-tangible changes.