New to this site, and somewhat confused...

[Steffi_Memmel]

Hello,

I am new to this site, but not new to this issue...  I am a lifelong (closeted) crossdresser.  It has become more and more apparent (to me) that my crossdressing was a symptom more than a condition.

When I was a child (five to seven or eight), I often dressed as a girl just because I enjoyed it.  I thought the clothes were pretty, and I made friends much more readily with girls my age rather than boys.  By the age of eleven or twelve, it was a full-blown obsession, and it gained a sexual component as I discovered masturbation.

For many, many years, I self-identified as "just" a crossdresser, because I THOUGHT I was entirely, or at least mostly, motivated by self-gratification.

Now that I have begun living alone (separated from my wife), for the first time, I can dress how I want, when I want, when I am at home, anyways.  It should be no surprise that I spend about 99% of my personal time (dressed) as female.  There is little to no "sexual component".  I just feel better.  I keep my legs shaved, but draw the line at anything more noticeable.  I don't "do" makeup, because I know I would make a mistake in removing it, and somebody would notice.  I'm trying to let my hair grow out, but I keep chickening out and cutting it off.

It finally dawned on me that what I wanted was to really BE a woman, not just to try and occasionall "pass" as one.  It was something I did not want to admit to myself.  The idea of telling ANYONE that I know in "real life" absolutely terrifies me.  I live and work in a U.S. Military Community in Germany.  Despite current progress, it's NOT the most liberal or progressive environment to "come out" in.

My Mother (in the U.S.) would probably understand, or at least TRY to, but recent conversations where I broached TG/TS issues, laws and even definitions with her were not particularly encouraging.  She's not particularly "liberal", and her family is staunchly Christian Conservative.  She DOES try, but she is a product of her upbringing.

I WANT to see a professional Gender Therapist, but I can't seem to find one that speaks English anywhere in my area.  (I posted a topic in the "therapists" section on this).

Anyways, at this point, I am about 95% convinced that I am Transgender.  I am not thrilled with this idea, or even certain if I can or will seek any kind of "transition", but I need to TALK about it with somebody...  Anybody.

[Sander]

Hello, Steffi!  I'm terribly new to this forum and this subject too, but I know what it's like to spend decades miserable in your own skin.  If you can't find any English-speaking gender therapists in Germany, have you considered online therapy?  Off the top of my head I can't think of any online gender therapists, but I'm sure they're out there.  The one catch about online therapy is that insurance generally doesn't cover it.  Still, it's a resource that might help.

[Steffi_Memmel]

Sander,

Thanks for the reply!  Well, funny you should mention online therapy.  Jani provided with a link to a group in Germany that offers "e-therapy" in English.  It's not clear if they actually have any "Gender Therapists" on staff, but I sent in an enquiry to find out

Keeping my fingers crossed...

[Jani]

I'm glad you were able to use some of the information.  If nothing works out locally, an online therapist may be the best answer.  

Everything I read in the first part of your post is so common as to be like a script you've copied from one of the others here.  I understand that the community you are in might not be the most open and accepting of this news, if you were to let it be known.  Are you in the military or serving there in a civilian capacity?   Eventually I'm sure you'll end up telling your mother and her reaction will be what it is.  You cannot change it.  But is sounds like she may be understanding.  

We're glad you found us and please join in the conversation, posting your own questions and thoughts.  We're all here to support one another. 

Jani

[Steffi_Memmel]

Jani,

FYI, I am a civilian, former military.

By the way, I "found" you about ten years ago.  At the time, and often since, I was a relatively well-known creator of TG/TV "captions", and ran several Blogs.  I quite often recommended and "linked" your site for those in crisis, or confused about who they were or what they were going through.

I just didn't think to come here MYSELF, because 1: I was "just" a crossdresser, and 2:  I wasn't having suicidal thoughts (at that time), and that was your main focus... 

I am trying to join in the conversation, but I am by nature a little obsessive/compulsive, and trying to keep it in check...  NOT running all over the forum posting dozens of questions on my first day

 

/hugs

[Jani]

Wow, that's interesting about the blogs and all.  

I came here despite not being suicidal myself because of all the forums I found this one appeared to be the most grounded in support and help for one another.  That's what I needed and what I now try to offer.

Don't worry about asking lots of questions right away.  I certainly did!  It's natural to let the flood gates open and try to learn and understand as much as we can.  Sometime a big splash in the pool is more fun that just wadding slowly in.  I think many of us may be a little obsessive and compulsive; in caring about both of our selves, the one we present and the one we feel is right.  For years my wife would comment on how compulsive I was.  So don't be concerned about that.

BTW: I'm also former military as many of us here are.  

Jani  

[Steffi_Memmel]

Jani,

Thanks for the encouragement

I'm not overly concerned about making a nuisance of myself I just don't want to over-do it.  Especially with the time difference.  I NEED to be in bed already, it's 12:30 AM here, and I need to work in the morning...

I've only posted as much as I have because I am so excited, and a little apprehensive.  I have not received a response (yet) to my inquiry about e-therapy.

Trust me, as soon as I have some sort of therapy appointment, I'll be blasting questions all over the place!

Thanks to everybody for such nice welcome(s) and quick responses

 

I'm headed to bed!

 

[Jani]

Nuisance?  Overdo it? Ha!  Many of us can be accused of that.

Mae West is said to be quoted as saying "If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!"  

I'm glad you're excited.  Isn't that wonderful, that you can get excited at this point in your life?  

Cheers,

Jani

[Steffi_Memmel]

I'll do my best   Now that I'm all registered and stuff, I have the entire evening to ask questions and make comments....