Grappling with my identity and looking for community

[ChickenLittle]

This is my first post after reading through the website for about a week now. I'm going to try not to write a massive wall of text, but I just might so I apologize in advance!

I was assigned female at birth and grew up feeling very much like a boy. When I was a kid, I actively tried to make people think I was a boy, wearing only clothes from the boy's section and using the men's restroom in public and everything. As I got older my friends made fun of me for being "too butch" and told me I needed a boyfriend (definitely not a girlfriend, although I'm attracted to people of all genders) and pushed me into an abusive relationship that lasted for three years, until I was 17. During those years, I gave up on trying to present as a masculine person and I tried in really unhealthy ways to conform to standards of femininity that I'm uncomfortable with. I acquired an eating disorder that ultimately affected my physical health and probably changed the way my body developed through puberty (it mostly didn't develop at all). When I was 23, I met my now-husband and began eating healthy amounts of food again, which was great except that it caused my body to go through a 2nd puberty where my hips widened quite a bit and got really curvy. Since then, I've been incredibly unhappy with my body and I feel angry that I lost "control" over it when I went into recovery. All that aside, I've been going about life considering myself genderfluid tending towards masculinity for more than a decade (I'm 27 now). 

 

A couple/few months ago, maybe longer actually, I started feeling super uncomfortable about my chest so I went out and got a tight sports bra. It made my chest a lot smaller and that helped a lot. But lately I've been unhappy about my chest even with it on. And also I've grown increasingly uncomfortable with gendered language, particularly female pronouns, being used to describe me. And I feel really weird about the fact that everybody in public thinks I'm a woman and talks to me like I am and all that comes along with that. And for the first time ever really, I've been thinking about whether I'm trans and what that even means to me and what it would mean for my future and my partner's future and what I would even do if I come to the conclusion that yes, that's what's going on. I've considered myself genderfluid for a long time now, because there are times I feel really masculine and times I feel somewhat feminine and it kind of just comes and goes. But it's never felt this strong or this uncomfortable. 

 

So I talked to my partner about it some and while his impulse reaction was, "I don't think you're trans" he has been really ridiculously sweet about everything. I told him I had been looking at binders online and for days he kept telling me I should definitely order one and offering to order one for me. And I did, and it got here a couple days ago, and I love it so much. I didn't expect to have such a strong reaction to it but I was grinning like a silly person as soon as I put it on and put a t-shirt over it. I was like HOLY CRAP LOOK AT ME THIS IS AMAZING. And this is a little embarrassing for some reason, but I got some shoe-lift inserts (I'm only 5' tall) so I can look a couple inches taller and all of that stuff has just made me really happy and felt really great to do and makes me happier about myself than I've felt in a while. The only really upsetting part right now is that I've been feeling bad about my legs (because they're short and curvy in the wrong way to fit into men's/boy's pants) and that even when I do everything I possibly can to present as male, I still get (sometimes aggressively) gendered female in public. Every. Single. Time.  

 

So I keep thinking about how there's no way anybody on the street would categorize me as male, even with a different haircut and different glasses, because of my voice and my facial features and my height and so many other things. So what now? Do I want to legit think about going on hormones? Because that's kind of terrifying and irreversible. And what the hell would I tell my mom and my brother and my partner's evangelical Christian family? And what if it's just a passing thing and I regret it? If I decide (is it even something you decide? should I just know 100% immediately and because I don't then I'm not? I feel really confused and lost) that I am trans and I want to actually transition then me coming out would force my bisexual partner out and I know that's scary for him for so many reasons. 

 

I've been reading blogs and watching videos by trans men and basically soaking up all the info I can online; I've been kind of obsessed and can't concentrate on school or much of anything else right now.  

 

Another factor to take into account is that I have high testosterone and because my hair is falling out in a male-pattern baldness sort of way, I've been on androgen blockers for about a year now. So I could go off those and maybe I would feel better/less dysphoric because I could hopefully put on muscle more easily and I hate how weak I've been feeling. But then my hair would fall out and I'd just look like a girl who is balding which is definitely not what I want, that's like the worst of both worlds! 

 

My partner has been so supportive but I know he's scared too and in a way I feel like I'm letting him down, or like he's going to decide this is all just too much. I have no evidence to back that up, but it's definitely how I'm feeling.  When I was upset about my chest he told me that when I walk around the house topless he's always seen it as a super masculine thing because of the way I carry myself, and that just made me so happy because it means he's seen me the way I see myself even though my body doesn't match people's idea of what goes with masculinity. But I seriously doubt that anybody else sees me that way. And I have doubts about whether hormones would help that much either, as far as "passing" goes. 

 

So I don't know. Is my problem more with myself/my body? Or with the way people see and treat me? Or does it even matter when the result is the same no matter what because people are never going to change? I'm just so confused and honestly really freaked out. I've never felt confused or embarrassed about myself like this, not with my sexuality or anything. But this stuff has me feeling so embarrassed and confused and feeling like how can I not know my gender? It just seems like it should be easy to know. And so I guess I'm at this point where I could just keep doing everything like I have been doing and just me and my partner and our close friends will know, or maybe it will go away eventually, or I'll make some big changes? Not like soon, obviously, but eventually? I just don't even know what is/would be best or if I'm just making a big deal over nothing. 

[Jani]

Hi ChickenLittle and welcome to Laura's.  I sounds like your partner is supporting because he loves you, but is uncertain of what it would mean for your future together.  You need to discuss this because it may that he's be alright with a butch wife, but living with a guy might be too much.  Just thinking out of the box.  You really should look into a therapist for yourself and for your husband.  I have found it to be enlightening; helping me to reveal my true self.  

You should speak with your doctor and husband about going off the androgen.  Again it is your choice in the end but it may affect your relationship with your mate.  If your testosterone levels were not the only reason you're on this, maybe reducing the dosage would be OK.  Again, talk to your doctor.    

As far as family and friends go, it's your life not their's.  While you may want to keep them in your life, that choice is not yours to make if they are not willing to accept the true you.

Concerning your binder and how you look and feel with it on, I can say that looking in the mirror and seeing the real you is certainly affirming.  While I don't have a lot of experience from your perspective (maybe one of the guys will chime in) I can say that your struggles are similar to ours on the "other side".

I'm glad you found us and hope you'll be able to join in the conversation when you can.

Jani

 

[MarcieMarie12]

Hi Chicken Little, welcome to Laura's! I would second being frank with your husband. It will be difficult, I discussed this with my ex and it was probably one of the most painful parts of the process--but I transitioned anyway and am much happier for it.

Before that though, I would suggest seeing a gender therapist, mine helped me as I navigated this journey and came to terms with what I needed to do.

 

Hugs,

Marcie

 

 

 

[Cindy Truheart]

Hello and welcome to Laura's!

Your confusion, your embarrassment, your body image, and how you want people to see you are all very familiar to me. I would suggest you try to find a good therapist to help you sort some of these things out. Because of the things I experienced as a child, I finally buckled under and fit the role everyone was forcing me into. When I finally broke out of it I got very confused about my gender and who I was, my therapist helped me get rid of that confusion and to find my true self.

Once when I told my wife how I hated myself for turning her life upside down she told me that life was like being on an airplane. When the oxygen mask drops, your supposed to put yours on first before helping those around you. If you don't, you aren't going to be able to help those in your life who may need you.

Take your time, try things out and see how you feel. Talk with your spouse and be honest. Remember, we are always here for you. Love and light to you and yours!

[ChickenLittle]

Hi all, 

Thank you for the supportive responses and kindness! I'm planning to speak with my regular therapist tomorrow about things, and I saw a therapist on campus today just to be able to talk to somebody sooner than tomorrow. My partner has emphatically told me that he'll be happy with me and love me whether I'm a boy or girl, man or woman, and that's reassuring. I'm thanking the stars that I fell in love with a bisexual guy who is also incredibly kind!

Really though, I've been feeling so depressed all week. I'm painfully aware of the way people gender me in public, even when I'm wearing my binder and dressed in men's clothes. I'm not sleeping well and I'm struggling to concentrate on my schoolwork. I just feel like holy heck, why couldn't I have figured all this out sooner, like in my early teens or twenties? Would hormones even help me pass this far after puberty? It's so scary and frustrating and I have too much going on to even spend the time learning about things and finding a community. I feel like I need a big brother who has been here before to help me figure things out. Wish me luck tomorrow in therapy-- have any of you had luck with your regular therapists or should I work on finding one specifically for gender-related issues?

[Jani]

Good luck, you'll be fine.  I would try to find someone that is fluent in gender issues as they tend to have the background to understand what you are telling them and respond properly.

Jani

[Guest]

Hi Chickenlittle, welcome to Laruas.

Not being comfortable in your own skin sounds quite familiar to me. In fact many of the dysphoric problems are familiar.

I didn't notice in your post whether or not you've seen a therapist? I do believe it's time. I do notice that you live in Oakland, Ca. I live in Hayward, 10-15 minutes from you. I have a trans-girlfriend in Castro valley, and both of our therapists are in castro Valley.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions about services in the area.

As for HRT, most of the people I know that started, love their new feelings and body. I have some transmen friends and it's amazing what T does!!

Take care hon, do a lot of soul searching, and I think a therapist is the next step. Good luck!!

 

-Fiona

[ChickenLittle]

Quick update on today-- I spoke with my regular therapist and she was very supportive and kind! She told me that she has loved ones and clients who are trans and that she feels great about sorting through gender-related stuff with me. So that's a huge relief. I always dread having to start over with a new therapist, as I live with mental illness and trauma-related symptoms that feel difficult to describe over and over. 

Right now I'm feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. I've been having a hard time sleeping and eating and I'm falling behind in my schoolwork. I'm trying to find a balance between taking the time I need to think/explore things and functioning in my day-to-day life. But I've found tons of support everywhere I look, so that's encouraging. I'm trying to slow myself down a little bit and remember that figuring out who I am and what I want isn't a race. 

Fiona, thank you for your reaching out. I may send you a message soon (I'm not sure I can until I reach 5 posts?) about services around here. I go to school in Hayward, so I'm in the area all the time. 

[Guest]

11 hours ago, ChickenLittle said:

Fiona, thank you for your reaching out. I may send you a message soon (I'm not sure I can until I reach 5 posts?) about services around here. I go to school in Hayward, so I'm in the area all the time. 

Wow, that's amazing. In case you're interested, I posted a flyer a couple months ago. A small trans group therapy that's conducted by my therapist. It's in Castro Valley every couple weeks on Friday evening. If you think you might be interested, let me know. There's currently only three of us, but we expect it to grow some. 

Take care, hon.......

[Guest]

Hi ChickenLittle

I received your private message, and responded at least a week ago. I'm kinda assuming that you're not receiving an indication of the PM. I appears you were on yesterday, so I just wanted to make sure.

Let me know, hon.

-Fi