Coming out of my shell?

[Sparrowgirl]

Hi everyone, im new here and wanted to make this my first post. This is going to be something like a life story with some questions so it will be fairly long.

Im stuck... I cant seem to express myself to anyone. I have been stuck in my mothers house behind a computer for about 10 years barely ever leaving the house. I dont have many friends (mainly just one but he has no idea im trans and probably would not be accepting but i dont blame him for that its just how he was brought up). I have been depressed since i was 15 and developed sever social anxiety. I never understood why until now. I cant even seem to bring myself to do the things i need to, like visit doctors, get a job, ect.. I run a small business from home that brings in some income for me. I just cant stand going out in public. When i look at myself in the mirror i become severely depressed, though it has gotten a little better here lately.

I self medicate hormones. Yes i know the risks. Please dont lecture me about this, trust me i have done ALOT of research about this. I put this on a separate line because i felt people would find this important.

My problem is i keep getting discouraged because i have ZERO support for my journey and i am just not good at making friends. The hormones though have made looking in the mirror so much better. I have told my mother and an old female friend about me being trans. My mom just kind of ignored it and my friend acted supportive but betrayed my trust and told other people when i asked her not to. Not accidentally either.

I think i am seeking out a female friend to help support me and not financial or anything i need emotional support because this is getting really hard for me and i dont know what to do. I really feel like i am in a shell with no way out.

I know this is looks like an emotional rant and im sorry but i just needed to express this somewhere.

 

[VickySGV]

Since this is your first post, I moved it here to the Introductions Forum where a few more people can use this as a way to get to know you.  Welcome,to the Playground, we are here to answer what questions you have and just to listen which will help you.

[Steffi_Memmel]

Sparrowgirl,

I think you'll find friends here.  You'll definitely find support

My situation is a little similar to yours, although I am not self-medicating.  I have not told anyone irl, and it definitely feels like I am going through this alone.

It's pretty scary.  

I'm as far along as you.  I haven't started hormones yet, and I have my first therapist appointment next week...  But, I'll be happy to talk with you, and help in any way that I can

 

[MaryEllen]

Hello Sparrowgirl,

Welcome to Laura's Playground.   We don't advocate self medicating but that is your decision. Feel free to ask any questions you may have. You're among friends here and we'll help you to the best of our abilities.

MaryEllen

[MarcieMarie12]

Welcome to Laura's Sparrowgirl! As others have said, if you have questions, ask!

As to getting started, for me the first steps are the hardest. It got easier, especially once I started going to therapy. You can also check to see if there is an informed consent clinic nearby (some Planned Parenthoods offer it from what I have heard). If you do, and you have insurance (even without), you can probably get your hormones cheaper, and they will monitor your bloodwork.

As to finding friends, you'll have to get out of  the house. I joined a local meetup group to find other transpersons. Turns out, more than a few were into tabletop miniature gaming as well. They have since become close friends.

 

Hugs,

Marcie

[Cindy Truheart]

Hi Sparrowgirl, welcome to Laura's!

I've been through a lot, but I have to say that I haven't been where you are right now. But what I can say is that we are here for you. It isn't easy being trans* in any sense, and you sound like a lot of people have betrayed your trust and hurt you. I do know what that is like and you won't find it here, this is a safe place. Have a look around and read what others have posted, ask your own questions when you are ready, we are all here for you and support you! Love and light to your beautiful self!

[tracy_j]

Hi Sparrowgirl

Welcome

I am glad you are here! You can learn a lot from other peoples experiences. As Marcie says - you will have to get out to find friends. Only so much can be done online. People and life are real.  It is all a learning experience. There is a lot to learn but try not to fear things too much. It is an interesting and rewarding journey. Things may well depend quite a bit on your local situation, but I have found most women are receptive to someone who is open and sincere. I have found a gradual approach to be better for me as it helped build my confidence, taking minor rebuffs without too much stress.

With women, I have generally just been sociable and chatted, not bringing the subject of gender into things at all. The course of conversation has moved to gender (mine) on occasions, and if so, I have just been open to extent relevant to the conversation. Obviously be aware of dangers, but don't be afraid of who you are. Although I don't have a close woman friend (except my partner, who obviously makes a difference for friendships outside our relationship), I have a number who know of me and accept me into their circle. Don't be too shy, but try to outwardly be the woman you are. Approach things like a woman. Start by just chatting, and steadily let things build up.

Good luck

Tracy x

 

[Jani]

Hello Sparrow and welcome!  I'll echo what my friends have said here and say we're here to support you anyway we can.  Please join in the conversation.

Jani

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's Sparrow.  You hopefully can see that you are not alone.  Perhaps some of the suggestions above can help you get out from the house to meet new friends in your community.  in the meantime i'm sure you will find others here who share your feelings.  I would recommend being open and honest with your doctor.  I know that helped me early on and if you are self medicating it could be a lifesaver.  Too many of us hurt ourselves because we are afraid of asking for help from those who are best able to help us.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[KathrynJulia]

Welcome to Laura's Sparrow.  Just putting yourself out here on Laura's is a big first step.  So pat yourself on the back. Other things have been covered.  Many therapist charge on a sliding scale or take insurance only.  My therapist did that for me when I lost my job.  Look around where you live for a transgender support group.  Talk to them.  If you can't afford much,let them know up front. 

 

Dont nut just sit on the sidelines doing nothing.  Gender disphoria hurts deeply and can kill people.  Those of us on Laura's band together to help folks like you.  We know how depressing folks get who are lonely having few assets or friends to talk to or get help or progress.  

Here on Laura's you have folks who understand you and you can talk to and receive  help.  After you file 5 posts we have a private messaging system here on Laura's that you can privately ask specific members private questions.  Asking moderators questions is a good way to go.  We have experience, mostly non judgmental. And we try not to disappoint. 

? Hugs

 

KathryJulia