"Sitting in it"

[Guest cerise]

I recently starting going to a Trans friendly meeting and shared about being trans and how being trans from such a young age (13/14) intertwined with my drug use and then morphed into alcoholism. It was a relief to come out to so many people at the same time and is easily has set the bar higher as to the degree of honestly that is required for me to progress in recovery and ultimately life.

One thing that myself and others have come to realize is the idea that learning to Sit In It is important. Sometimes it's the only thing that one can do. 

Completing a Step 5 can be quite strenuous , leaving the AA wondering what the heck just happened and can even manifest in some regret.

Making an amend can lead to the same feelings especially if the focus of the amend requires time to process it.

i have been reminded of that in the last week as I told 2 woman friends that I was in the trans program in Vancouver and was in my 7th month of Hormone treatment. One never knew and the other was my ex wife . My x wife knew since before our marriage and dealt with some of the issues that are depicted in The Danish Girl but the penny never really dropped for her even though I had made her aware of my talking to my GP in 2015.

Starting with the first and then after telling my ex left me not only exhausted mentally but that same feeling that comes after a step 5 or 9. I was "in it" and will probably be so to varying degrees over the next little while as I unravel my deceptions to the selected. I have so far acted out with some things that I use to quell the uncomfortable feeling but after last nights coming out on a grand scale of 30 people leaning to sit with it is going to have to be something I get used to.

Throwing things at my discomfort always has ended in an endless cycle of bad ideas and just more discomfort with zero resolution.

Sitting in it is okay.

I learned that in the rooms.

[VickySGV]

Definitely the steps (small "s") are happening to you.  We do sometimes have to stay put for a while and be complete in what we do there.  You may not believe it now or anytime soon, but our added challenges of being Trans* in recovery can open up a special service to our Cis friends at the table.  I actually have come to where I do come out to help show someone else how far along they are when they do not believe what they have done.  I know we have something to offer, which helps us along the way as well.

[Guest cerise]

I am trying to decide where to take my cake this year and I missed last years just because inVancouver there are too many cakes. Like I mentioned at the beginning of the thread sitting in discomfort is necessary for emotional growth to occur. The hangover from taking a cake is always interesting as there's what you said, what you didn't say and what you should've said to spiral on for the week after.

That might be the best reason to take a cake. Reflection and too shake up the sediment at the bottom of my pond.

 

 

[VickySGV]

I actually have two meeting where they fully know and accept me and both insist that I join in their cake taking and darn it , eating when my BD swings around in October.  You find that you know far more people who really care for you and love you even if you are not just quite there for yourself just yet. 

[Guest cerise]

My eight year I just shared about how I stayed sober mostly and I usually keep it to less than fifteen.

a topic at a meeting was What Can you bring to AA.

I shared that "Helping people through step 3" was what I can bring.

lately it's about prayer and meditation and and its depths and power. 

 

Sleepy time and no gigs tomorrow night...yay!

Love to you all

[Charlize]

I have found that being a member of AA working the program as i can day by day made transition possible and i'd like to think smoother.  Being able to give the results to a higher power. find a way to share the shame and fear i felt throughout my life and share the strength i found helps me and i pray it helps others both trans* and cis.  I remember one large cis meeting where i was asked to speak.  I sat with the women and told my story starting with the history of my use and working through how the program had allowed me to find myself as a trans* woman.  I certainly never thought i would be able to do that but at the end i met several folks  fairly new to sobriety who thanked me as they now were more willing to share their 5th steps with their sponsors.  

 We are kinda lucky as we don't have cake here for anniversaries.  We simply get a coin and share a bit if we are so inclined.  I think a big party would freak me out.  Knowing an anniversary is coming always seems to make my sobriety seem fragile again.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Guest cerise]

The largest meeting in Vancouver is almost always cakes. People usually get their hair cut and go for lunch after with their sponsors or a group of friends. Many dress up. It's a Sunday meeting and in sense has replaced going to church for some and a party for others. The attractive women dress to to nines and the room filled with sexual tension .

i have left before it started more than once as my social anxiety ramped up to the breaking point. It was after that period that the tradition Our primary purpose is to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers, hit home. I certainly wasn't going there for that and eventually stopped going for that and private reasons. Lots of crosstalk there and for me 5 years of lost Sunday's.

my sponsor was totally behind me on the decision as he knew the meeting.

its a good meeting for some but it must wear on others as well as I saw a few members at the Trans Queer meeting that don't go and they were heavily involved in service. Thebusiness meetings were famous for outbursts and many people just stopped going to the buisiness meeting.

there are many many meetings to chose from in a Vancouver. I no longer go unless I going to carry the message . The thirteenth step does not exist for me any more and niether social networking at meetings.

Making this decision is part of my progress in recovery although I may regret the time lost in my folly I know it was part of the process.

I didn't go out and that's what matters.

 

[Robin Silk]

This willbe the first birthday for me after  coming out to my home group, still trying to decide whether to go as there is a work conflict. It is the same situation of all the most prominent members show for this meeting, approximately 150 people. As far as I know I am the only transgender person, there are no LGBT meetings here. Puts a whole new layer of uncomfortableNess and fear on attending.

[VickySGV]

9 minutes ago, Robin Silk said:

As far as I know I am the only transgender person, there are no LGBT meetings here. Puts a whole new layer of uncomfortableNess and fear on attending.

Even here in Los Angeles area, especially the San Gabriel Valley where I live there are no AA meetings that are primarily LGBT meetings, and in the meetings I attend which are sharing meetings I am out and have found that I actually am loved AS I AM although it takes a while for others to get over shyness -- yes, their shyness of me!!  A few have told me that my sharing about finding I was something that caused the fear and self hatred that our GD can do and living as our True Selves in a dimension that does still scare even us is a message to them of a goal they can reach for.  By having admitted our deepest and darkest secrets, we challenge them to work on theirs.  When our honesty and submission to one challenge leads to the same honesty and surrender that we give to addiction, we do become a  Unicorn of sorts to them.  Magical and unique.

My meetings here are about 20 to 25 people and I actually go to a local Mexican Restaurant with about 4 other women from one of them before the meeting and have for nearly 3 years.

[Guest cerise]

A tidbit that I have yet to mention is that while I was sitting in it, after telling my ex that I was almost 7 months on HRt , taking t blockers and È patches she arrived at my son's and I abode to borrow his camera for a trip.

i was relaxing as me and was surprised with no time to change.

Anyways she was more than amicable to me and whether or not she came in the place to see if she would notice any changes I don't know. It was wonderful as my faith had been rewarded by her acceptance of me as me.

it was the amend that I had never made to her and we stood perhaps for the first time as friends without anything in between us anymore. I had finally let her inside my truth.

This week has been amazing and exhausting.

it was the various threads on the forum re: coming out that helped me get to this place. 

There is still a lot of work to do but I will take the peace that I have now and deal with more later.

[Guest cerise]

PS on the last post .

She almost never comes in the townhouse.

[Steffi_Memmel]

1 hour ago, cerise said:

This week has been amazing and exhausting.

it was the various threads on the forum re: coming out that helped me get to this place. 

There is still a lot of work to do but I will take the peace that I have now and deal with more later.

Congratulations!

/hugs

-Steffi

[Guest cerise]

I checked the LÀ meeting engine and like a lot a lot of these things found it to be glitchey as to displaying meetings. If the no Preferances is left in the popups if lgbt is selected yes and no Preferances is left in the other popups , no meetings are displayed after submit is clicked. 

However if evenings is selected and a few other Preferances are selected many meetings for lgbt are shown.

the Vancouver Meeting Engine was glitchy and has just been revamped.

The Trans Queer meeting was shown as 8 o'clock before and at times har to find on the sight . During the time I was told that it was ethereal as to whether it was there. 

its a few blocks from the electrolysis college I go to for work and I had told my transition doctor I was thinking I should go and she agreed so I was motivated to give it another go.

the new engine gave the 630 time which was the time I was given a year ago by a trans man at my support group. When I went I asked at the front desk of the community centre where the aa meeting was and they said ther was only an na meeting that night and 1 1/2 hours later and no aa meeting.

i had my iPad so I checked the site again and it came up that there was and the meeting room name at the time I was told a year ago. I got the directions from the receptionist and trundled off and there it was in all its imperfect glory.

Going to check out the AA meeting at Qmunity perhaps this weekend and maybe volunteer to get the support group going again. There is very little in the way of support groups for mature trans people as far as support meetings and a ton for youth trans.

Believe it or not being trans is now trendy among young people .which is good and not so good depending. I was in a meeting where a young trans had been fast tracked for hormones but seemed more of a dilettante  with a flippaent regard to hormone use.

 

[Charlize]

I've also found meetings lists on line to be occasionally not up to date which can be difficult at best.  The Zoom meetings i attend have several trans* folks from Canada including one from Vancouver.  She doesn't get out to meetings at this point but if you find a supportive meeting let me know and i'll pass it along.  I love the international feeling of the Zoom meetings although when our Australian member comes in i find it takes me a bit to understand her due to the accent.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Guest cerise]

That sounds interesting especially and helpful considering the amount of help and motivation to make progress in my recovery and transition that I have experienced lately from my recent participation on Laura's.

[Guest cerise]

ps 

i do a lot of my posting here at 3:00 in the mornin here as that niggling sleep pattern problem is still there. It's a throw back to my drinking days when I would wake up every night with a head ache or the sweats or to the sound of my own heartbeat in my ears. 

I call them the 3 o'clock dreads or just the dreads.

Now it's just me and my active mind and it's more about pleasant things that I think. I usually write emails or post here at that time.

it went away after I sobered up but came back .

I'm used to it am and I'm famous for my napping at work when there's nothing to do.