Intro

[Rayne]

Hi all,

I've been reading and benefiting from posts here for a while but thought it was time I reached out more. 

My family's religion and culture means that they will never accept that there is such a thing as gender diversity (or diversity of orientation for that matter). I'm 33 yrs old and for my whole life I've tried to meet people's expectations but it's made me sick. I've almost destroyed my body. In the period 1-2 years ago I ended up in hospital three times as a result of life threatening self harm. I still didn't tell health professionals what the source of my distress was but I did, eventually, admit it to myself. And then, over the last year, I've understood it a lot better through journalling, meditation etc. 

Then I waited 6 weeks to see a GP in a specialist gender-diverse clinic and then 3 weeks to see a psychologist prior to starting hormones. My first appointment is Tuesday. 

I framed it to my position to the GP as non-binary but i fear it's more. He said I can start on a low dose of hormones and then stop when I get the outcome I want. He said it's flexible but I'm afraid that it won't be enough. That I will need to go all the way to feel okay. The results of that would be immense. I would lose my family, most of my friends and possibly my career. I look to you all who have done this and can't imagine how much you must have wanted to live. If we don't want to live more than that, then the alternative is obvious right? I'm not sure that my want of life is that strong. 

I don't want to be alarming. I'm trying to manage this and haven't given up by any means, so I hope this is all okay to say. 

Rayne

 

 

[Steffi_Memmel]

1 hour ago, Rayne said:

I would lose my family, most of my friends and possibly my career. I look to you all who have done this and can't imagine how much you must have wanted to live. If we don't want to live more than that, then the alternative is obvious right? I'm not sure that my want of life is that strong. 

My situation is similar...  It's terrifying, I know.  I honestly don't know if I can go through with it myself, but I have to try, or be damned with wondering "what if".

I wish you the best, and you can always talk here, people will answer you

/hugs

-Steffi

[MaryEllen]

Hello Rayne,

Welcome to Laura's Playground.  Thank you for sharing your concerns with us. We're here to help so feel free to ask questions. 

MaryEllen

[MarcieMarie12]

Hi Rayne, welcome to Laura's!

Hugs,

Marcie

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's Rayne.  Like you i never thought i could live through transition.  It seemed i would loose everything and everyone i valued.  It is a very real fear and had basis in fact for many of us.  I wish i could simply say that your transition will be accepted with open arms.  what i found was that things didn't turn out as badly as i had feared.  Of course i had imagined the end of the world as i knew it so anything was better than that.  

Take heart, move slowly but don't loose hope that things will get only better.  Being and living as myself created a new kind of strength in me but it was not easy.  Fortunately i had seen others (here and elsewhere) succeed.

You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Rayne,

Welcome to Laura's! One of the great things about Laura's is that everyone here, from the most senior member to the member who signed up just before you, knows that fear. It's terrifying, we all know. When I first came to grips with being transgender, I could not comprehend ever having the courage to face that fear. I thought I would be condemned to that closet for life. When I found Laura's, I found I was not alone. I had found a community of wonderful, beautiful people who were all at some stage of the journey I was beginning. People who cared, reached out and helped each other. I began participating in the forums, joining in the conversations. The strength and courage I gained from that has enabled me to take steps out of that closet that I've never dared dream I would be able to. Some of those steps have been painful. Some of them have been liberating beyond my wildest dreams. Many steps were a combination of both.  But I did not have to take any of those steps alone after finding Laura's.

 

There are still times I find myself asking,

"How can I go ahead with this?" Then I find myself asking, "How can I not?"

 

We'll take those steps with you. You do not have to take them alone.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Cindy Truheart]

Hello Rayne and welcome to Laura's!

Yes, as Timber Wolf said, we all know that fear. The thing that you have to understand is that this is YOUR life. And that means that YOU make the decisions. You can't control the past, but you can control the future. You have a lot of decisions to make. And what you decide will have consequences, either good or bad. But you can't control others and what they decide. You can only control how you deal with it.

You may find that people who are in your life aren't as important as you thought they were. You may find people you didn't know very well to be your biggest supporters. This is one of those things that separates the wheat from the chaff. When the dust settles, you'll know who really cares for you. But you may have to give some of them time to get over the shock.

I suggest taking things slow and plan it out. Pick one or two people that you feel you know the best, who you feel would support you no matter what. Test the waters, bring them a news story about trans* related issues and judge their reactions. See if maybe they are open and understanding enough that you may be able to talk with them.

I wish you the best, and remember that we are always here if you need us! Love and light darlin'!

[Jani]

Greetings Rayne and welcome.   My friends have offered a lot of positive advice and comments.  I will just add that it is always harder to look from the outside.  Stepping out from behind the veil can be terrifying but ultimately rewarding.  If you ask any of us we will tell you we were prepared to lose it all yet we still made the move forward.  

That's good that you're seeing a therapist but don't worry about whether you are binary or non-binary or any place in between.  Eventually it will become clear to you.  Only you matter. 

Please join in the conversation when you can.  We'd love to hear from you.

Jani

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Rayne.  Please look around and participate in the threads that interest you, and start more of your own.  We'll be here to help and provide support.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Rayne]

Thanks everyone  

My appointment with the psychologist is tomorrow. I want to ask something about it but maybe I should do it on another board.

 

[tracy_j]

Hi Rayne

Welcome

Good luck with the psychologist. Feel free to ask questions, and we'll answer as best we can.

Take things steadily until you find your feet. It is daunting at first but does not usually go as bad as it seems

Tracy x

 

[Robin Silk]

Welcome  Rayne.  You have taken some big positive steps! Remember there is no rush to reach the finish line, your journey will be unique and you will know which path to take as time passes. I know I can have doubts as I go through  this process, the one thing that has never changed is the knowledge that I am transgender.

[KathrynJulia]

Hello Rayne

I was a long time closeted Trans woman.  One thing is it doesn't get easier`waiting and putting off things.  It gets harder.  Only you can judge what is right for you,  Just don't let it destroy you.  We've lost folks who were afraid to upset family and friends by admitting to something that is not your fault.  My son has disowned me and I have yet to meet my grandson because that's my sons way to punish me.  My transition has brought me so much happiness, that nothing out weighs that happiness.  Not my petty son nor access to my grandson out weighs my own personal happiness,

You can create a new family and find new friends to replace people who are so full of themselves to believe they are indispensable to your life.  I had to learn that the hard way.  Welcome to Laura's Rayne,

 

[Rayne]

Thanks Kathryn and Robin  

I didn't think the appointment went very well, mainly because he wanted to talk about my family and SH history, neither of which I want to talk about. It's a long time - 5 weeks - before I can see him again so I'm going to use that time to just think some more about whether to stick with him, or go somewhere else or give up and try to forget this. 

I really appreciate the support here.

Rayne

[MarcieMarie12]

Keep in mind (at least in the US and I assume Australia too) that there is doctor patient confidentiality. What you say to your therapist stays with your therapist.