Hello, Figuring Things Out

[Gray Owl]

Hello to all. I was born male and am in the process of trying to figure things out gender wise, a bit confused but slowly putting the pieces together. 41 years old and married. Was raised in a conservative Christian home and was fairly sheltered growing up. Could never understand why I felt different, never connected with or felt comfortable with guys, and exhibited certain female traits and or hobbies/ interests. Also experienced a disconnect with and occasional moments of wishing I did not have my genitals.

Dressed in private in my late teens and early twenties with "borrowed" clothes from a sibling. When I married I threw those things out and tried to bury those feelings. After this, experienced moments of rage over very trivial things, periods of sadness, and periods of overeating. In the last year or so I decided to try and I understand why I have felt the way I have and still do which led me down the gender rabbit hole. I also started some minor dressing again recently.

Before this journey started I was only vaguely aware of cross dressing and was very ignorant of anything outside the very traditional gender roles. Not sure where this all going but at this at point I am pretty sure I am transgender, not sure on the transsexual side yet but definitely leaning towards MTF. Almost positive I am only attracted to women but who knows, as I continue down this road that may or may not change. I am learning how ones perspective can change once doors are opened and the lights are cut on so to speak.

Was thinking I would post this somewhere else but since this is directly related I will post this here. My wife and I have a great marriage and I am not comfortable with hiding things so I came out to my wife last Thursday with my feelings and the dressing. It has been a roller coaster ride since then. We have both shed more tears than I can remember shedding. She discovered some things about me and I discovered a few things about her. I never knew, as we never really communicated before this I think, that she also struggles with gender dysphoria and or issues. She was suicidal over it as a teen and also a cutter. I did notice a couple of scars but she would never tell were they came from. She never really told her therapist(her mother took her in her teens for depression and cutting) about her gender dis connect. The scary part for me is she has admitted to still self harming with a needle.

So incredibly after being together 16 years and married for 14 I discovered my wife is most likely a FTM transgender. We have talked and I can really relate to her feelings as mine are similar, just not as certain and sure as hers and my coping mechanisms are much different- I withdraw into a shell and eat rather than self harm(although I guess overeating is a form of self harm). It has explained so many things about us and her I never understood and I think deepened our connection.

The issue for her is her faith which is much more old school than mine. My faith has become more towards a loving and accepting God, a God that loves us for who we TRULY are and wants us to be happy. The vessel that we live in or as is not as important as how we live our lives. Also, she is 100% attracted to men, not women which means if you would carry transition forward for her she would be gay, another big stumbling block for her for many reasons. 

This is obviously not what I expected when I opened the door on Thursday and started a conversation with her on my issues. She unequivocally states she wants me to be me as a man, not as a women. However she is open to me dressing in female panties, socks, and sleepware. We have also discussed me wearing a kilt as an alternative to skirt. I am hopeful that these small things will alleviate my dysphoria. It really help knowing I can go to her when I am struggling and have encouraged her to do the same.

I am planning to see a gender therapist this week to help with my issues and we are discussing seeing a therapist together. I have suggested we both go to meetings with a local trans group for support but my wife is reluctant to come out of the closet in anyway. She is deeply ashamed although I have told her she has nothing to be ashamed of. Hopefully she will forgive me for breaking her confidence here but I am hoping maybe some suggestions and or ideas to help her with her struggles will come from this.

This all seems so surreal and is a bit overwhelming. Would love to hear any thoughts and or suggestions for navigating through this. I am really hoping to help my wife with her dysphoria and I am cautiously optimistic that our marriage and our relationship will be much stronger as we both have alot more in common than either of us ever thought. 

 

 

[MarcieMarie12]

Welcome to Laura's! 

From what I have seen (I am dating another MTF), we all transition at different paces. Coming to terms with ones gender identity, when it is not CIS is a harder, and really involves a lot of introspection rather than denial or shame. It may take your spouse a while longer to get where you are, or they might never get there.

Both of you should probably have a therapist. Your spouse will need it as you transition, even if they do not want to address their dysphoria. 

Hugs,

Marcie

[KathrynJulia]

Hello and welcome to Laura's.  A good gender therapist can diagnose and explain things and offer suggestions.   Living with gender disphoria is what causes the self harm.  It's due to a self loathing.  I engaged in self harming during puberty in that the physical changes increased my disphoria.  I learned so much about myself talking to my gender therapist.  And she offered suggestions that lessened the damage in stepping out of the closet. So therapist as a first step.  Then comes a decision to suppress your your own hormones towards taking cross gender hormones.

One decision you and your wife will need to discuss is do you both want children because counter hormones will induce permanent sterility.   Any who welcome to the group.  We will offer different views of help to you. Weigh them carefully.  Be kind to your wife.   She's dealing with difficult issues she may be having.  Work them out together and be there for each other.  Be each other's best friend. 

Hugs

Kathryn Julia 

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's.  Things are new and raw at this point.  I felt much the same way when i was honest with my wife but didn't receive the same news in return.  We did find a path to acceptance of my gender issues partially through the help of a therapist but also through the wonder of the way time heals.

Glad you've joined us and for being open and honest in your share.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Cindy Truheart]

Welcome to Laura's!

Wow, I felt like I was reading my own story for about half of what you wrote! We are the same age and have a similar situation only I'm a bit further in to my journey. My wife says she isn't FTM, but she has A LOT of masculine traits! To the point that when she called up an old friend to give them the heads up about my transition they thought that SHE was the one transitioning!

Feel free to poke around and ask questions, we are here for you!

Love and Light!

[Gray Owl]

Thanks for the warm welcome, sharing, and advice girls. Things are definitely interesting and still very emotional but we are moving forward together. So far the outcome of both of us coming out to each other has been very positive- we seem to have a much deeper connection and a deeper understanding of each other. 

We are going to try and locate a local couples therapist at this point to help us and any thoughts of me moving forward with a transition have been tabled for the moment. At this point in our lives neither of us really wants children so that is one less thing to worry about.

Our long standing joke with each other was that she was the man of the relationship and I was the woman. In hindsight I guess our inner selves were always aware of each other, we just chose not to acknowledge it on a conscious level.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Gray Owl,

I've never been married so I'm afraid I have little practical advice I can give on your situation with your wife. But I wanted to welcome you to Laura's. Discovering I was not alone in this gave me encouragement that I desperately needed to come out of my closet and move forward.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Jani]

Hello Gray Owl.  Welcome to Laura's.  You have an interesting story that is similar to many here with a twist.  I believe you've made a good decision in trying to find counselors and to forestall any plans you had for the time being.  As noted things are a little raw right now and you both need to take time and explore your relationship with each other.  My warm wishes are with you.  

Please join in the conversation here whenever you want and post your thoughts too.  We'd love to hear from you.

Jani

[Gray Owl]

Thank you Timberwolf and Jani for the warm welcome and encouragement

.

 

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Welcome to the Playground Gray Owl!  My fiance Alex is a FTM trans guy, we have been helping each other with transition.  We are both bisexual, although I am mostly attracted to guys since beginning HRT.  I am ordained clergy in The Troth, a universalist  Heathen denomination, and MTF.  Since we are practicing Pagans,  we have no problems openly transitioning, Trans folk are accepted in our religious community.  We also live in California, a very accepting state with lots of protections, and health coverage options.  I wish you and your partner the best.  I find it great to be partners with someone going through the same issues, I hope things work out as well for you.

hugs,

Stephanie