Meeting an Old Friend (and getting condemned for it)

[MarcieMarie12]

Last Thursday  I met a friend that I knew prior to my transition. I was curious about them because of the fact that he friended me in the first place. I sent him a brief message, yes basically a “hi” for about two months. I did look him up and found he had written a very negative article on non-binary identities. I asked myself is this someone worth keeping on my friends list?

After a certain point, I decided to unfriend him and another that had been posting Milo Yiannopoulos articles. Yes the gay anti-trans Alt-right commentator. A few days later this friend requested me again, and once again curiosity got the better of me and I accepted and sent a message. At this point he responded.  

I was pretty sure that this would not go well, but I still agreed to meet him. My first reason was simple, as a friend I thought I could explain to him the trans experience to help him understand it better. Secondly, I wanted to catch up with him and see what the heck happened to my other friend (the Milos poster).

We did get together and to be honest I was a little nervous, because I kind knew what was going to happen. We talked a bit about our other friend and it was brief, pretty much he has had no contact with him since then. We then talked a short bit about gaming and then how he was doing. He had had a heart attack and was not doing well. Finally we talked about me.

I gave him a trans 101 from my prospective, I also explained to him why transition was necessary, trying to keep it to medical reasons and how it is diagnosed, the fact that I was in therapy before that, how being on HRT had helped me immensely mentally.  Some of the theories as to what caused it such as the brain structures matching those of the gender we identify as, and that is not related to homosexuality. He asked if I had that done, I said no. It was pointless to, transitioning is working for me and has helped me greatly with my GD.

 We talked about regret rate and how he thought it was pretty high, but as I told him major medical associations such as the AMA, both APA’s and others support transition as the most effective treatment for gender dysphoria.

I also added that I knew dozens, probably over 50 transgender persons. None of which regret transitioning. The stories that I hear about regret are due to how others have treated them—it was family, friends, employers rejecting them that caused the regret. And of those that did, how many years later did they end up with a bad outcome (substance abuse, suicide, depression). For many reasons this information is not available.

Then as it seemed to be in lull spot he asked me if I believed in god. I responded yes, I do. He further asked if I believed in Jesus. Still do. He then asked if I was following god’s path for me. My response was yes, I was, but that has no bearing on things. I said, I don’t believe that god cares about our worship, nor who we get romantically involved with or our gender identity. My friend’s face went into shock.

He recomposed himself, and then started spouting off something about how the first thing a person should be is devoted to god. I disagreed and said that devotion to god is not necessary. Being kind to others is. Love thy neighbor as thyself, and do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I told him the bible was pretty much unimportant and not the word of god, just man’s attempt to write down what they think it is. It has many imperfections because of that in my opinion.

He responded that I was wrong and that I should pay attention to god morale law. I asked him what he meant by it. He said the morale law god laid out in the bible. He told me that I was not following it because of my transition, and who I loved. My response back was, again I don’t think there is such a thing specifically laid out in the bible.  I responded as I said earlier to me the bible isn’t the word of god, just man’s interpretation of it.

I was a bit incensed at this. Basically, once I looked past all the pretense and politeness, he was claiming his religion to be more right than mine.  He claimed to have study the bible more than I have and had some authority and could validate the bible. Even to go so far as saying the Catholic upbringing I had and their bible was wrong. I mentally and maybe even did roll my eyes at that. The argument got circular, at that point as I once again pointing out to the fact that the bible has imperfections and inconsistencies in it. I checked my phone and realized (thankfully) that I had to go and excused myself.

What did I learn?

I learned that friends change, and not always for the better.

I learned that people can believe that they are doing right even when they are doing wrong.

I learned that zealotry is another form of pride. It will blind them to the reality around them.

Did I think I got him to understand what a transgender person is and dispel some of the myths? Maybe, but I am sure it will last only until his next dose of propaganda. About all I learned about my other friend was that more than likely we could no longer be friends. I did learn what he had been up to though.

In the end I felt like he was asking me to get his approval for my actions from his god. Not that it mattered that his god and my god were a little different (or at least our views of her were). 

[Jani]

Knowing what you were in for I would never have scheduled the meeting.  Some people cannot be changed in their views.  You didn't get him to change.  I'm sorry you wasted your time.

Jani

[MarcieMarie12]

My best hope is that the next time he gets the sermon about the evils of the LGBT community, he doubts it. It would be a long process to get him to change, and I would not be able to put up with the circular debates for very long. 

I don't think of it as a complete waste of time, as I got first hand experience with the mentality that opposes my being trans. I learned some things about it and understand it better.

 

[DenimAndLace]

I commend you for your efforts Marcie and I'm glad you shared your story for the benefit of all.  It's good to get that glimpse into the heads of those with differing opinions and beliefs.  I certainly don't want to discourage you or anyone else from engaging others like that because it may move them towards acceptance, even if only a millimeter at a time.  I've had similar encounters and find myself in agreement with Jani because I don't feel like the conversations were worth my investment.  I've kinda developed a 6th sense for sanctimonious, close-minded, know-it-all persons and I chose to avoid them.  When trans advocates ask me what they can do to help me, I ask them to reason with the hard hearted people in society so I can concentrate on the adversaries in my immediate circle.

[Guest Laura Beth]

Your friend says you are not following God morale law but to me it seems that he is the one who isn't following it. Does he not realize that it says "Judge not or you shall be judged" and many other place where it talks about love over damnation. 

I consider myself a Christian but I haven't attended a church for years. One of the reasons I don't attend anymore is because of ones who think they know everything.  I have done some bible studies to the point I have a basic understanding of it. To me all these people who claim to have studied the bible and understand it need to go back and study it again. They keep saying God doesn't approve of transsexuals but how do they know this isn't God's plan for our lives. If they would really stop and understood what is said in the bible they would realize that we are doing God's bidding of teaching people to love one another regardless. 

 

[MarcieMarie12]

Laura, that was pretty much my thought. I do go to a church twice a month though as the two support groups  I belong to meet there. I told him that, and that I think also shook him a bit. But again, this gets back to his religion is the "one true" one. The others are wrong. In some ways, I am little angry about it. But is a mixture of that and sadness of losing a friend (even if we have drifted apart over the years). I forgive him for it, but I am not going to forget it.

 

[Jani]

In my small collection of thoughtful phrases I have this one.

"Why is there enough religion in the world to incite violence (or hatred), but not enough to instill tolerance?"

As we know from our own lives, there is no one answer.  Your path is as valid as mine.  Take solace Marcie that you are the one who lives a good and honest life with love for others.  Your "friend" has chosen a different path. 

Jani

[DenimAndLace]

1 hour ago, Jani423 said:

As we know from our own lives, there is no one answer.  Your path is as valid as mine.  Take solace Marcie that you are the one who lives a good and honest life with love for others.  Your "friend" has chosen a different path. 

Jani

It took the catastrophic and nearly fatal storm, that is transition, for me to learn these two lessons: Your path is as valid as mine and How to live the good and honest life with love for others.

For those two reasons, I'm thankful I'm transgender - although I do wish I could have learned them an easier way.