Compromised

[Guest notsure2015]

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on coming out to family? After 7-8 years of off on and cross dressing in secret, I think someone may have found out my secret. With all the excitement of graduating, getting a good job, and moving out of my parent house within a week and in the excitement I have been sloppy. Ive been purchasing new outfits, and not hiding them very well. I've been misplacing clothing, leaving them under my blankets, and noticed some articles of clothing with girly colors sticking out of my dresser. I've been getting ready for my move and have some of my clothes (along with some women's clothes) in bags ready to move. With all the work I've been doing I had asked for some help with my wash (working two jobs 7 days a week leaves little time for other things) and left a bag of dirty clothes next to a bag of clothes for my move that had some regular and some of my women's clothes hidden inside. After coming home from work I found that my mom who was helping me had looked through the wrong bag and I could see my hot pink bra strap hanging out of the bag. I felt sick just wondering if it fell out with out her noticing or if she went though and found everything. She hasn't said a word to me yet and I'm too scared to talk about it. I'm afraid that she will eventually ask me about it and I'll have to tell her the whole story. I'm 100% sure she won't care and be ok with my choices, but again I feel shame and like I failed as a man. I think I may be kind of relieved this happened because now I can talk to someone about it and I won't have to hide anymore, I don't have to under dress completely in secret, I can order clothes from other stores without fear of getting caught,  and hopefully finding out who I am sooner. 

[VickySGV]

Mom may have two thoughts on this, neither one 100% on the mark.

The most obvious would be that you have a girlfriend that will be living with you in your new digs and may be taking up your time there at home too. 

The second one is that you are CD which you say you are in your profile, and which is the truth. Beyond this one though is she may carry it to you being a candidate for full time transitioning.  

In any of these cases there is the possibility of hearing "It's your life, but wait until you are out of here to do "it".  The other possibility is that she would like to know what is actually going on before making a judgment on any one.  This is best case scenario really.  You may find out that your gender issues have been an "elephant in the room" for longer than you may imagine and you are the one who has not seen it.  As I see it, it was going to happen that your family finds out, it was just going to happen and is not a matter of "being compromised" just a matter of being, period. 

Do not lie about who the clothing belongs to, but do not make it into a big elephant when it was a small one.  Talk to her would be my bottom line recommendation.  Be ready to tell her who you are, but do not overload her in the first round.

[Guest AshleighP]

Good advice, "don't lie about who the clothing belongs to" . That will only postpone the inevitable conversation. Sometimes the little "accidents" are the best way to get a beneficial conversation going. 

Be true to yourself and never lie to your mom! ;-)). She knows you pretty well I'm sure and may have already figured things out on her own.

[Guest notsure2015]

Thank you for your advice again, as always everyone's been great on here and I'm glad I have a community who's been in my situation and can help me make the right decisions. Its been a few days since my post and I still haven't had a conversation with my mom and not has she mentioned anything to me. I think she might be waiting for me to bring it up but I'm so nervous. Even though I know my mom will be ok with me being who I am, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it because I'm not sure of who I am my self. I do  identify as a cross dresser at the moment but I feel there may be more to this and that's what I'm scared of. I think it would be easier to talk about it if I knew what's going on with myself. I do want to talk to a gender therapist but I think I'm afraid to do that because of what I may find out. I've been trying for so long to play the hand I was dealt and hide my secret, but I find every day is harder than the last. I know I'm not normal and that it's ok to do what I do, but i guess I'm still struggling with acceptance. I will do a lot of thinking this holiday weekend and I'm going to try to work up the courage to talk to my mom. I don't want to lie about the clothing or hide anymore, at least at home. Thanks again, your help means a lot to me. 

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Hey, notsure2015,

Do let us know how you get on?

I discovered I was a cross-dresser in 2012 (a bit of a personal drama). I decided to come out to my wife of 25 years straight away. It was hard to do, but I have no regrets going down that path. She does not accept it, but agrees to 'endure' it.

My personal belief from that is that it is best to be up front. You never know, your mum may already know and will support you!

Good luck!

Eve

[Guest notsure2015]

it's been awhile since my last update and I'm not sure really where to start. I am having a hard time really putting my thoughts together. I was supposed to come out to my mom recently, I wanted to tell her that I am a cross dresser but may possibly be more than that. I've been having a lot of trouble writing to try and explain how I feel but it just won't come out. During that time I've had received some bad news, my mom was diagnosed with cancer again.  I want to say something but I feel like I can't in a tough time like this. I'm afraid it could put a big stress on the whole situation. I'm afraid I might lose my mom and I'm just super stressed out not being able to say how I feel. Ive never felt so lost, I just don't know how to move forward from here. 

[Dev]

I would let the subject lie for the moment, at least until you have more information about your mom's prognosis.  Once you have a better picture of the situation, you can decide if and when to sit down with her.  You could always preface it by telling her you want her to know all of you, rather than just the parts you've chosen to share.  This would be an especially good reason if things turn out to be serious for her, but would work either way.

I'm sorry to hear about her diagnosis. 

[Charlize]

Sorry to hear about your mom.  Perhaps it would be best to wait tell her but it may also be the best time to show your love and trust with a conversation about your feelings.  Openness and honesty can give both of you a closeness that may otherwise be lost.  I can't say what is the proper course of action.  You certainly know your family better than i do.

Whatever course you take, please know your not alone.  I remember facing similar situations, as have many of us here.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize