Floating, an update

[Swan13]

I am just needing to reach out as the loneliness, self-doubt, guilt, and shame have been overwhelming once again.  As a restul, I am struggling to find a way to stay grounded.  Lotions, music, books, dressing, all of which often times help are not.

A quick update for everyone: I began HRT in mid-February along with an anti-depressant and as a result I have been doing fairly well overall.  The knowledge that I am making strides has been satisfying.  However, by April I began to feel stagnant once more and the depression/dysphoria began to creep back more consistently.  This has continued intermittently over the past month.  This past weekend my partner and I laid it all on the table once again, forced by me as I could tell it was on her mind and she was avoiding as is typical.  It was good to air things out, but has left me with intense guilt and shame regarding myself.  Needless to say confidence and acceptance are harder to come by at this point.  We also went shopping for a wedding this weekend and she needed help finding shoes, a bag, and a top.  Needless to say this was enjoyable, as well as triggering. The realization that I came to while we were out is that as much as I would like for my partner to fulfill my need for female friendship, I just do not think that it is possible at this time.  I am also recognizing that my ability to hide my true self is becoming more difficult.  So what I would desperately like to do is connect with another female and have the opportunity to be myself and feel acceptance.  A sticking point here is that out of self-preservation and social awkwardness I have not done well staying in touch with anyone, really.  It feels manipulative to reach out to an old co-worker and say lets have lunch: "How's life? Good. Hey, I'm a woman. Want to go help me find some clothes?" I could go on, but will not.

For those who want the synopsis: I am lonely, accepting that I feel I need to transition, as well as begin to come out and as a result I may blow away in a gentle breeze.

As always thanks for the continued reading and support.

[Jani]

Swan, it is so easy to fall into funk when we realize we are trans* and/or start to transition.  Your whole world is thrown into a spin cycle.   I would certainly seek out a support group to meet people with similar needs and stories as yours.  I have two that I attend and while one is rather subdued, the other has provide me with so much joy.  I've met people I enjoy seeing and we can talk about things I cannot discuss with my cis-gendered friends/family.  

Taking the time to have a good conversation with your partner is also good.  You both need to come to an understanding of where you stand and more importantly, where you're headed.

From my own life and what I've read of others, we tend to get insular when this all starts, no knowing where to turn.  I see from the interests you list that you appear to be more inward looking than a gregarious social type.  My counselor helped me tremendously in this regard.  Don't be afraid to continue living your life.  Enjoy yourself.

Jani 

[Swan13]

Thanks for the words of support.  I am in a rather difficult spot in regards to reaching out to others in the community.  I live in a moderate size city and with the work I do the chances of a conflict of interest arising at a support group is quite high.  In times of desperation I have discussed this with my therapist and she has cautioned me as well from attending.  I have considered driving to another city, but this would be hours away from the family and my time with my children is already limited due to my work hours. 

I am in a clearer and more grounded space this morning (do not think I will be blowing away today) and am coming to accept that part of my next step is coming out to a select few of trusted friends/acquaintances that I can use for support.  I have also come to realize that I become overwhelmed with depression and anxiety with each step forward on this journey; the silver lining of which is it has prevented me from jumping in full force and creating major upheaval in other's lives.  The downside is that at times the path forward has been agonizingly slow.  I just need to remind myself to stay focused on what I can do today and let tomorrow come in its own time.

Thanks again!