Ready to stop...

[Dakota16]

About 2+ weeks ago I ran into a rollercoaster. It saw massive financial problems, too many arguments to count, and my wife and I came within the thickness of a piece of paper of separating. One of the arguments brought up a recurring theme: I have no problems remembering things related to transitioning (my appointments, personal items, etc) after a long/stressful day at work, but I can't remember to pick up prescriptions, kids' appointments, household chores, and so on. This time it got ramped up a notch to include money, as in I'll spend money on what I need to be me but not on what my wife and kids need. It led to my wife taking my kids' to her sister's house (while one child was in the midst of a meltdown) and telling me "if you never changed into a woman, none of this would've happened!" before driving off.

Fortunately, everything settled down 24 hours later and we're still together. I hope everything has been better, but if I was a bad judge of that before I have no chance of being able to gauge that now. But that 24 hours gave me plenty of time (and I know it affected work) to mull everything over. It's the 6th time in 11 months that she's brought that argument up. If it were one or two times then she'd be blowing off steam. But 6 times...there's something to it. The question is what was it...what was she seeing that I wasn't?

I couldn't figure it out until I took what one of my college professors showed me and applied it here. If bioluminescence is "a chemical reaction in an organism that produces light" translates to simply "it glows," then "you have no problem with things about your transition but not about your family" translates to "you're selfish."

I spent the entire day on that one point and broke it down:

Who benefits from me transitioning? Me.

Anyone else? Hmm...everyone else has to deal with stress at least at some level. Co-workers are on edge to make sure they're calling me by my name and correct pronouns (some of them have dropped pronouns altogether and just use my name in place of them). My family (parents, sister, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc) will be too busy kicking me to the curb and arguing amongst each other (in all fairness probably not all of them but I can think of four who would in a heartbeat, but I know my in-laws already accept me) about my transition. My wife and kids watch all the changes as they occur and deal with name, pronouns, questions from others, and so on on top of me working full-time and coming home tired. So really, no...nobody else benefits from me transitioning. It's the opposite...they're under more stress.

So transitioning benefits me and nobody else. By definition, I'm being selfish.

I made a move and started living as myself far earlier than I planned. I hit a breaking point and pulled the trigger instead of trying to tough it out and wait for my wife to graduate and get settled into a job like I planned. If I knew what would be around the corner four months later, I would've talked myself out it back in February and kept trying to keep a lid on the growing stress that created the breaking point to begin with. I did it for me...and it's affected everyone else. I don't have to look far to see people struggling with it. My parents don't even look at me. I can probably count the number of times on my fingers that I've heard my mother-in-law use my real name instead of my guy name. Both my oldest and youngest daughters call me "dad" (my youngest is 3 and I know she's too young to understand what's going on but it still gets to me). My wife interchanges my name and pronouns. Sometimes she catches it and corrects herself, but most of the time she doesn't. I get it's a huge change and everyone needs time, but what's the point when people closest to me are either looking right by me or I'm too scared to say something fearing that it'd start another argument?

In other words, what the hell am I doing to my family?

I cancelled my therapy appointment the day after my wife drove away, saying work got busy and I'd reschedule when things settled down. I had no intention of rescheduling and still haven't. I'm out of some makeup and I'm too gun shy to spend $18 to replace it for the next month (I'm a big fan of ELF's prices). We're at the pool at least three times per week and I'm wearing men's trunks with a t-shirt. My wife says I'll have something more appropriate later when we have a little more money, but right now my gut reaction is "hell no I'll just deal with going through the gate as a woman, walking around and leaving as a guy."

Adding to the confusion, my wife is still calling me a beautiful woman as though the explosion two weeks ago never happened.

I haven't seen me in the mirror in two weeks. I can only see him. Each glance in the mirror just brings everything crashing back earning a sigh and a frown at what I see staring back...a guy crossdressing. It's happened before, but it usually goes away after two or three days. It's never lasted this long. I spent the last two days in guy mode (Saturday from getting called into work ASAP at midnight with no time to get ready, and Sunday for a family get-together) and wasn't phased by it. The last time I was in guy mode I couldn't wait to switch back.

I'm not sure if dysphoria is just that bad right now or if something else is going on. I'm pulled in two directions. One voice is saying "okay, you've been you for four months and this is where it's gotten you...it isn't worth it so stop and go back to pushing Dakota aside...choose them and make them happy." The other says "you're happy...just ride it out and you'll be fine...stop thinking about it and just be the woman you are...you can't do your job anywhere at 100% or keep your family happy if you're unhappy with yourself...choose you."

Sorry for the long, drawn out, downer freight train. I just needed to get it out and hope it helps me figure out what to do next.

[VickySGV]

Step one on this, you cannot put a Genie back in it's bottle once people know it is there.  The same can be said for cats let out of bags. (It was dangerous to put the cat in it the first time.)

What you can do is a little bit of planning both as to direction and as to budgeting of money.  You are NOT actually selfish because you have in the past taken care of other's needs while you put yours in the back of the pile of bills.  Your needs do have to come a bit more into the general funding scheme. The bad move here was not going to your therapist, because I would bet nail polish to hamburgers that they have helped others in exactly the same situation.  We can lose  our heads when things first get going, but it will cool down and maybe your cold shower in this has brought reality back into things.

Another thing that I would recommend is a Support Group, which may be a little hard there in Iowa, but in a well run group they can help you with your urges to live above the budget much as my AA groups do with out friends who want to go drinking again.  Having someone who may be a little further on the path to help you level out can be a life saver.  I am super glad you are reaching out to us here, because it is what and who you need at the minute.  You are nowhere close to a quitting point, but this is the equivalent of a 25 mile an hour zone near schools.  Welcome to a promotion in grades for you.

[Cindy Truheart]

Dakota, I know what you mean. We don't have kids and our situation is a bit different, but I completely understand what you are saying. The same is happening with me. I'm not out at work yet, but I pulled the trigger sooner than we'd planned and now the ball is rolling. It was a huge fight, and she is still upset with me. My dysphoria seems to have evaporated lately, and I come home from work not wanting to immediately get changed. It has made me doubt myself and my decision to transition. But I think I've figured something out about this. For me, it's a twofold reason.

First, it's hormonal for me. I switched to the patch and it's just not working right, plus I think my T-blockers aren't enough, I need to adjust things. It's been having me swinging emotionally and I do mean swinging! But depression has been at the heart of it. Second, it's that I'm finally starting to relax some because I'm getting to be me almost all the time. I'm so accustomed to being misgendered and being triggered constantly that the reduced number of occurrences aren't registering. I have to look closer to realize that they are, in fact, getting under my skin. It's like someone smacking you in the forehead all day long and suddenly they aren't doing it anymore so when someone walks up and smacks you in the forehead you don't think anything about it because it isn't nearly as annoying as all the other smacks you would normally get!

And yes, transitioning is selfish, you are right. But I keep going back to what my wife said to me when I first started talking about it. She said that when you are on an airplane and the oxygen masks drop, you are supposed to put yours on first before helping others. I think that we tend to put ourselves last until we finally get to the point that we are in crisis and we NEED to transition. I think that we give, and give, and give, and GIVE until we are about to fall over from it. So yeah, transition is selfish. And I think we deserve to be a little selfish. I think that the problems happen when either someone can't understand our need to be a little selfish, or when we get a bit too selfish and put too much of a burden on others.

But transition is difficult and full of problems for everyone involved. It's best if we can remember that and try to make it easier on those we love while we take care of ourselves and our needs first. Because we must.

And yeah, almost 9 months on HRT and all I see is him. Always. Seeing me is a rare treat. I just try to do the best I can for now, like everyone else.

Love and Light! *And hugs!*

[Clara84]

Hello Dakota

I also have wife and kids and I understand what you mean. Transitioning make us very busy and takes a lot of space in our mind. That's normal and you shouldn't shame on you.

I don't know your whole story, how far in your transition you are, etc.

Personally I transitioned in my mind very fast, was myself 90% of the time after only a few days and full time after 24days. I let you imagine what a shock it was for the whole family. But they are still here and we're doing better as before. There is still some open issues but before transition was also other issues present.

1 hour ago, Dakota16 said:

 "if you never changed into a woman, none of this would've happened!" before driving off.

I've also heard something like that from my wife. Sometimes she also said "since you're Clara, blablabla (some negative things) "

I know such sentences hurts a lot. But you bring her some change she didn't choose, perhaps she only needs time to adopt and fully accept the new you.

 

1 hour ago, Dakota16 said:

"you have no problem with things about your transition but not about your family" translates to "you're selfish."

Right, transition is a big work on yourself and it sounds selfish. But think more positive...

1 hour ago, Dakota16 said:

Who benefits from me transitioning? Me.

for you it was a need, something you couldn't live without. But you shouldn't be the only one who benefits. If transitioning makes you feel better the whole family should feel better. I personally switched from a fully depressed, nervous and aggressive """"""man"""""" to a smiling, calm, happy and nice woman. So it's a benefit for everyone not only for me. It can take some time to realize that, you can help them  in talking about this. L

Seriously living with "that man" was a nightmare for the whole family. They may see the benefit but it won't come instantly. It's a benefit but it's also a shock; they need time.

1 hour ago, Dakota16 said:

Anyone else? Hmm...everyone else has to deal with stress at least at some level. Co-workers are on edge to make sure they're calling me by my name and correct pronouns (some of them have dropped pronouns altogether and just use my name in place of them). My family (parents, sister, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc) will be too busy kicking me to the curb and arguing amongst each other (in all fairness probably not all of them but I can think of four who would in a heartbeat, but I know my in-laws already accept me) about my transition. My wife and kids watch all the changes as they occur and deal with name, pronouns, questions from others, and so on on top of me working full-time and coming home tired. So really, no...nobody else benefits from me transitioning. It's the opposite...they're under more stress.

So transitioning benefits me and nobody else. By definition, I'm being selfish.

I made a move and started living as myself far earlier than I planned. I hit a breaking point and pulled the trigger instead of trying to tough it out and wait for my wife to graduate and get settled into a job like I planned. If I knew what would be around the corner four months later, I would've talked myself out it back in February and kept trying to keep a lid on the growing stress that created the breaking point to begin with. I did it for me...and it's affected everyone else. I don't have to look far to see people struggling with it. My parents don't even look at me. I can probably count the number of times on my fingers that I've heard my mother-in-law use my real name instead of my guy name. Both my oldest and youngest daughters call me "dad" (my youngest is 3 and I know she's too young to understand what's going on but it still gets to me). My wife interchanges my name and pronouns. Sometimes she catches it and corrects herself, but most of the time she doesn't. I get it's a huge change and everyone needs time, but what's the point when people closest to me are either looking right by me or I'm too scared to say something fearing that it'd start another argument?

In other words, what the hell am I doing to my family?

You're just presenting to them as the real you it's a proof of love and confidence.

Yes switching pronouns is stressful. It is because if they made a mistake it will hurt you. But...that stress is nothing compared to the stress you face.

How long are you out of the closet? Getting bad pronouns after several months is painful. And you shouldn't only think about their stress.

7 hours ago, Dakota16 said:

 

I cancelled my therapy appointment the day after my wife drove away, saying work got busy and I'd reschedule when things settled down. I had no intention of rescheduling and still haven't. I'm out of some makeup and I'm too gun shy to spend $18 to replace it for the next month (I'm a big fan of ELF's prices). We're at the pool at least three times per week and I'm wearing men's trunks with a t-shirt. My wife says I'll have something more appropriate later when we have a little more money, but right now my gut reaction is "hell no I'll just deal with going through the gate as a woman, walking around and leaving as a guy."

Adding to the confusion, my wife is still calling me a beautiful woman as though the explosion two weeks ago never happened.

I haven't seen me in the mirror in two weeks. I can only see him. Each glance in the mirror just brings everything crashing back earning a sigh and a frown at what I see staring back...a guy crossdressing. It's happened before, but it usually goes away after two or three days. It's never lasted this long. I spent the last two days in guy mode (Saturday from getting called into work ASAP at midnight with no time to get ready, and Sunday for a family get-together) and wasn't phased by it. The last time I was in guy mode I couldn't wait to switch back.

It seems you really need to see a therapist you can also talk about what you wrote on this post with him/her. You should reschedule ASAP.

7 hours ago, Dakota16 said:

 "okay, you've been you for four months and this is where it's gotten you...it isn't worth it so stop and go back to pushing Dakota aside...choose them and make them happy." 

Dysphoria won't go away and yes, as you tasted the happiness of being yourself, switching back is more painful and dysphoria worsens.

If you push her aside, you won't make anybody happy. First you will be sad and depressed and if you're not feeling good, the persons who loves you won't be happy either.

It's too late to switch back, they know Dakota now and if you switch back, nothing will be like before. Once you're out it changes things forever, either you go on with transition or not.

Read your own text, you've already given the answer. You can't look in the mirror anymore, you don't feel good. 

Getting back to denial is not an option. Just go on and be yourself and do this for YOU but also for THEM. How can you take care of your family without being fine about yourself. It won't lasts long. 

 

 

[SugarMagnolia]

I'm so sorry your having such a tough time, Dakota. hang in there and stay strong!

Just to add a little to the wonderful thoughts from everyone, it's about your self, but that doesn't make it selfish n a bad way. 

As Clara said, you're making yourself happier which makes you a better spouse and parent. You'll also be setting a great example for your kids about having courage and the strength of your convictions. Finally, there have been a couple of great posts recently about the positive impact of transitioning on people around us who know very little about transgender folks. Even your participation here supports others who are struggling with many of the same issues.

Of course you should examine how things are going and how to improve things. Just don't throw the baby out with the bath water!

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

10 hours ago, Dakota16 said:

One of the arguments brought up a recurring theme: I have no problems remembering things related to transitioning (my appointments, personal items, etc) after a long/stressful day at work, but I can't remember to pick up prescriptions, kids' appointments, household chores, and so on. This time it got ramped up a notch to include money, as in I'll spend money on what I need to be me but not on what my wife and kids need.

Okay, I'll ask the hard question: why is that?

I know the excitement (and stress) of transition can take center stage and be a primary focus but you're still part of a team here. It sounds like your wife is supportive of you and what you want to do, but you also have to remember you have family to still take care of. Their lives aren't put on pause while you transition, so I think what she probably really wants from you right now is to yes, do what you need to do for you and transition but also continue doing your part in keeping the household running smoothly. 

There have been a lot of people who have transitioned and lost everything: wife, kids, house, etc. You have a wife that supports you. Do not lose that!

If your main takeaway from what she's telling you is that you're being selfish, well, going by what you've posted above...you kinda are. I know that's a bitter pill to swallow but if you're focusing only on your needs and now neglecting the rest of the family's needs, yeah that's kind of selfish.

The good thing is: you don't need to stop transition. However, you do need to refocus and reprioritize. Make a better effort to help your wife and the household continue to operate. Put reminders into your phone calendar. Write out a list of things/appointments/activities that need to get done that day. Let her know you're trying and show her you're making the effort and trying. Marriage and raising kids isn't easy. Right now it feels like she's doing it mostly by herself and she needs you because she can't do it alone. 

Don't neglect yourself, but don't neglect them either. 

Sorry for the tough love reply but I felt it was necessary. 

[tracy_j]

I think things have been answered well above.

My experience has been similar, but slightly different in that my partner is one who does not discuss things at all. It was a case of going forward and trusting my own judgement that, in being caring and thinking of her (and children) would win through. I was also determined to forge ahead. Things were uncertain enough anyway without me being indeterminate. It has worked well as yet with things between us being better than for a long time, me being more of a girlfriend these days although I still sort finances and house repairs etc as before.

One thing I will say though is that life carries on in a family unit. Although it certainly affects the family, trans issues are far more relevant to you than anyone else so if they seem to be overpowering things it will seem more like a selfish thing to everyone else. My approach has been to treat things very lightly, even though they often aren't. That way it becomes more of a fact of life without barriers being built up.

I do forget things, but with everything I do - old age?

Tracy

[Briana]

I think Lizzie made a good point above.  We sometimes become so self involved that we forget about the life going on around us.  Speaking from experience, I'd confirm what Lizzie wrote regarding how your wife is probably feeling like she is on her own running the family and needs you to jump back in.  I think doing so would make a world of difference.  We're all expected to be good partners, good coworkers, good family members regardless who or what we are.  Doing that can make a world of difference during one's transition.  It can take away most of that "you're being selfish and inconsiderate" argument that we hear so often.

[Clara84]

59 minutes ago, Briana said:

your wife is probably feeling like she is on her own running the family and needs you to jump back in

Right, my wife told me exactly this sentence many times. Now after 3 months in transition, it's better. Better because I jumped back in. I was always in, but differently. And that difference can be interpreted as I was not enough implicated. 

You are transitioning and it makes you and your mind very busy, that's normal. After a little time you should find the right balance. The rest of your family want to continue life, they don't live the same changes as you, so their life continues to run while yours is "stopped" because you just need time. This creates a discrepancy and that's the reason our wives feel sometimes alone. With time the discrepancy will be reduced and it should been better. 

[Cyndee]

On 6/19/2017 at 0:20 PM, Dakota16 said:

I'm not sure if dysphoria is just that bad right now or if something else is going on. I'm pulled in two directions. One voice is saying "okay, you've been you for four months and this is where it's gotten you...it isn't worth it so stop and go back to pushing Dakota aside...choose them and make them happy." The other says "you're happy...just ride it out and you'll be fine...stop thinking about it and just be the woman you are...you can't do your job anywhere at 100% or keep your family happy if you're unhappy with yourself...choose you."

 

Hi Dakota

I can't tell you what to do, or how to live your life. You have to live with yourself and those around you. None of this is easy, I am certain you will find that balance of your needs and those you really care about. Transition can be overwhelming in a family setting, it requires one re-calibrate themselves and make adjustments. I know you can do it, and I know you care. 

Hugs

Cynthia -

 

[Jani]

Hi Dakota.  I have no more to offer to the conversation but will echo Vicky in saying thank you for reaching out.  You saw you need to reclaim equilibrium in your family.  That's what we're all here for; to be a sounding board, a hand holder or even to scold if that's whats needed.  You'll be fine.  You've taken the first steps.

Jani