Feel ugly on somedays

[Clara84]

Hello

I don't know if this happen to everyone but somedays, I feel bad about my face's apparence. When I look in the mirror, I see "him" and I hate that, it's disgusting.

Today is one of these days. It happens approx. every 7-10 days. When it happens, it's the case for the whole day.

I try to correct my make-up, changing my hairstyle but... no way ! I don't like seeing me on today.

In the most cases, the next day will be better. But I am always afraid that the next day can be worse.

I am also afraid that people notice the same as I notice.

Yesterday I was cute and passed very well. But today is another story. I just see "him", badly disguised into a girl.

I hate these days !

[MarcieMarie12]

This does happen to me at times. However, as HRT (18 months) has made changes to my face, it has occurred less and less. Somethings like my forehead used to give me constant fits, but as my hair got longer it has been less of an issue. I am taking a wait and see on FFS and if my dysphoria doesn't demand it, I don't think I need it. When it does happen now, for me it is typically in the morning when I am shaving my face and getting ready for work. 

[Clara84]

As I am only 1 month HRT. It happens too often.

Shaving my face makes me ultra-dysphoric, bacause it's a tyapical masculine gesture. I feel ashamed to have to do this every morning. I can't bear that someone see me (wife and/or kids) while I'm shaving. 

Sometimes I say I am lucky, I won't need any FFS because I already pass 95% of the time.

On bad days like today, I am seriously thinking about FFS. I've just re-done my make-up for the 4th time today. I exaggerated the contouring effects and it looks better. Better, but still a little bit masculine and with too much make-up. Hope tomorrow this feeling will be over.

I compared two pictures on HRT day0 and day31 and I can notice some changes (you can see in the gallery). I hope it will continue in the right direction. Days like today I am just thinking something is getting wrong because what I see is a step backwards.

I got a look on your pictures Marcie, you're looking 100% female. Your cheeks have a lot of volume and that looks very nice. Does hormones have given this to you ?

[MarcieMarie12]

Yes, I think it has to some degree. My face doesn't seem as blocky as it was pre-HRT. if you look at the earliest picture in my gallery, that is preHRT (I am in a purple dress). The work ones and the christmas tree one are as well.  The peach dress with the black pattern is about 3 months HRT, the one with the floral top and the purple t-shirt are about 5 months, the pictures from my trip are about 8, the picture from the rennisaince festival and halloween are 10 months, the dark concert hall pics are 12 months, then the pic with the lead singer of Carbon leaf is about 15 months HRT.

 

According to a trans friend she said I had good bone structure and I would do well on HRT. I was not sure at the time what she meant, but I do now. I also found that styling my hair made a big difference, but---it is just getting there in the morning without a dysphoric attack that's the challenge (it is not just having to shave that is the problem).

[Clara84]

thank you for these details. Your face already looked feminine preHRT. I see the improvements but you started with a sort of androgynous face, which is fine. On your first pic, I would gender you as female.

Some people (Inclusive my psychiatrist and my endocrinologist) also told me that HRT will work well for me. I don't know on which basis they say that.. I hope it will be true.

But you're right, the main issue is our dysphoria. I just wish to eliminate EVERY masculine sign of me. About my face, I know that I still have a lot of "maleness" and it makes me feel bad. Even when people don't see, I do see and it makes me angry.

 

[Dakota16]

I hate those days too. I haven't started HRT yet so I'm relying more heavily on everything else (clothes, makeup, hair, etc) to help me be passable enough to get by and at least not draw attention. I've recently had my first appointment with a hair stylist so hopefully that will help instead of just pulling back into a ponytail every day.

Usually just getting ready for the day and watching "him" turn into me does the trick, but there are days when it doesn't work. That's when I usually try diverting my attention from facial features to something else. I tend to target my legs since my wife loves them (like "damn, Dakota, you've got some killer legs!"). But when that doesn't work I just don't look in the mirror other than to check my hair quick to see if it's frizzing all over the place.

I'm like you on those days, wondering if people can see right though to "him." I take nobody doing a double-take or staring at me to mean I'm at least blending in even if I don't think I'm as passable as I think I should be. But I've also figured out that those are the days I'm trying "too hard" since I'm wearing more neutral clothes (jeans and a polo for example) instead of the tops and leggings/tights I prefer wearing. As long as I can accept that I can tone down both makeup and clothes and still be okay, I can see me on any given day as long as dysphoria hasn't triggered.

[Clara84]

I know that even cisgirls does have those "bad days " where they feel ugly. But for us trans women it's worse our dysphoria and destruct our self-confidence.

But general question is "why these bad days exists?"

Passing is more complicated and not always related to what we see in the mirror.

I already passed well on these bad days.A nd I also had "good days" where I didn't pass.

I think neutral clothes are our worst enemy in early transition. I personally exclusively wear dresses or skirts, sometimes leggings but with a short skirt above. 

One of my thoughts is "when I could go out dressed neutral or masculine and pass as female,  my transition will be a success " but even if it can happen in a far away future, I don't know if I will ever do that. I love feminine clothes too much.

[gennee]

With me I pass pretty well. I've been read numerous times but it doesn't bother me. I just enjoy being out and about. 

[Sakura]

  A small flaw to others is amplified many times over when seen in yourself. As time progress's your confidence grows and hrt really sets in these insecurities should pass. I know they did for me.

[tracy_j]

Not being on HRT at all I know that I am at a disadvantage, but I do realise that cis women, however they look, do not have our problems. They are women!, They only really have issues with what they look like. This means that their male characteristics, which exist for many of them, are only detriments to their female beauty (perhaps), and not, for most, an issue with passing.

I think the main thing is to be confident in who you are, rather than in who you think you should be. ie be the woman you are rather than an image of who you dream of. Don't forget that many cis women have such an image in their minds as well. Unless you devote your life to it you will stand as much chance of being a supermodel as most other cis women - very little.

As you gain confidence you will think more as a woman, and work with what you have in the social circle you live in.

Tracy

[Guest LesleyAnne]

I constantly feel insecure in my looks. I've been on HRT for over 3 years now, and my face to me is still way too masculine, so I am looking into FFS as soon as I can get some health issues out of the way. The VA discovered two troublesome spots on my liver...one cyst, which is not so worrisome, and one is a non-cyst lesion that is worrisome. Waiting for them to schedule an MRI, so wish me luck. Plus they have to schedule me for what is called strabismus surgery on both eyes, plus cataract surgery at the same time...yippee. 68 is so much fun....

My other issues are my walk(I've seen videos, and I walk like an old man), and just my overall posture. I feel like if I don't work on that more it will be another give-away. 

I will not give up, but some days are worse than others when feeling like an ugly duckling. I need a feminine coach to train me ...

"The rain in Spain grows mainly on the plain" from the musical "My Fair Lady". I need that training! 

xoxo

LA

[Clara84]

22 hours ago, LesleyAnne said:

I constantly feel insecure in my looks. I've been on HRT for over 3 years now, and my face to me is still way too masculine, so I am looking into FFS as soon as I can get some health issues out of the way. The VA discovered two troublesome spots on my liver...one cyst, which is not so worrisome, and one is a non-cyst lesion that is worrisome. Waiting for them to schedule an MRI, so wish me luck. Plus they have to schedule me for what is called strabismus surgery on both eyes, plus cataract surgery at the same time...yippee. 68 is so much fun....

My other issues are my walk(I've seen videos, and I walk like an old man), and just my overall posture. I feel like if I don't work on that more it will be another give-away. 

I will not give up, but some days are worse than others when feeling like an ugly duckling. I need a feminine coach to train me ...

"The rain in Spain grows mainly on the plain" from the musical "My Fair Lady". I need that training! 

xoxo

LA

I am very sorry about your health problems.

I looked at your pictures, whose are 1yr old.

If we weren't on a trans* forum I would never guess anything. You definitely look female.

But... I totally understand you. 

I think you still see some aspects of "him" in your face and you don't want to see that. Either do I. 

When I speak about my past, I used to call "him" "my twin brother". And as I am his twin sister, having some resemblance sounds natural. (This thought sometimes help me to accept)

Doing a FFS is a personal choice, if you need it to feel better, go for it!

Walking is not very difficult. First key point is doing shorter steps. And try to walk like you have to follow a line. Move your hips but not too much. But do it lightly, it must look natural. For me it become natural very quickly. Be aware when you're late and need to walk faster, don't forget to keep your steps short. 

For walking I found it's very much easier to walk feminine with heels shoes. Heel don't have to be high but with flat shoes it's more risky that the male walk come back. 

Hanging a handbag also does help to look and walk more feminine.

Posture is more difficult, I often still have bad posture and need to correct it. But if I don't think about it I don't keep the best posture. You'll need to stand up straight, but not too much, always be natural. Another thing you can think about posture is not taking too much space. It's a society conditioning of the male and female role. Either you're standing up or sitted.

Take just the space you need to feel comfortable, don't sprawl when you sit somewhere (never!) and try to walk or sit like there were somebody who also needs space next to you.

All this must become your new nature. Act feminine always, in every situation, even when you're alone or with people who knows you're a trans woman. This will help a lot to forget your old way to do.

P.S. I am not an expert I just share what I learned. As you're much more advanced stage in your transition than me, perhaps I haven't learned you anything.

Good luck for your MRI

Clara

 

[Guest LesleyAnne]

Thank you Clara,

I appreciate your comments, and just to let you know, I'm always interested in tips, and helpful information to be more feminine. 

Just because I'm further along in my HRT/transition doesn't mean a thing. I feel that I can learn so much from others no matter where they are in their own journey.

Please don't ever let your time in transition be a factor in offering help. And to let you know I am practicing to walk with quicker steps, more hip, straighter posture, and swinging my arms slightly more. So thank you very much for your thoughts. I must say it's a fine line between doing it too much, versus not enough. Practice.....right :-)

xo,

LA