The day I needed most :)

[Dakota16]

I've had a lot of struggles seeing me in the mirror over the last 2+ weeks. It didn't matter how I got ready for the day (clothes, shoes, makeup, hair), I mainly saw "him" staring back. During that time, it's always felt like the outside never matched the inside. This past Friday changed that.

I had a bus trip touring various locations in nearby counties in a charter bus. The company dress code for those buses is black pants, black shoes, white button-down shirt, and tie (applies to both men and women). A few of us, myself included, will use a scarf instead. Of all the outfits I have, this one makes me feel the least feminine. I'm not sure why, but I just don't like how I look with it. It doesn't matter what I do with makeup or hair.

But anyway...the group, mainly retired railroad employees, started loading my bus. I'm smiling, saying hi as they're coming on, just being me. A trio comes up and I they're close enough that I could hear one of them say "looks like we got the lady driver." One of the others looks and says "ohh, the lady driver!" They get on and I say hi like I never heard them outside the bus, all three saying "good morning, ma'am" or "how are you this morning, ma'am?" as they went to find seats. The tour leader was the same way. He used female pronouns the entire trip without needing to correct himself. At the end of the day, he was thanking everyone for coming on the tour and gave me shoutout saying "she did an excellent job driving us around today." But throughout the day I noticed It wasn't just him or the other three I mentioned, but all 38 on board. Smiling and saying "thank you, ma'am" at the different stops. Stopping and saying "after you, ma'am" going into a building. A couple of them held doors for me. They all saw me as a woman and treated me that way...the first group ever to do that. It was incredible! 

Over lunch I needed the restroom and looked in the mirror after reapplying lipstick for the afternoon. I ended up taking a few deep breaths to stop myself from having a few tears fall so the ladies around me wouldn't ask what was wrong when nothing was. It was the opposite. I left the house that morning highly doubtful that I was passable. In the restroom mirror, I finally saw what the group saw all day. I saw me! I don't know how to describe how much that moment helped. It was like I could feel everything come back together the rest of the afternoon. I feel whole and normal again! I'm back to feeling that transitioning is the right move for me.

That's just what I needed after numerous days of doubting myself and wondering what in the world I'm doing.

[SugarMagnolia]

I'm so happy for you Dakota! 

You've shared your recent struggles and it's wonderful to know that the pendulum has reversed direction and you're having some good days now. May there be fewer of the former and more of the latter in your future!

[tracy_j]

That is so good to hear Dakota.

It must be a very nerve wracking situation as you cannot really escape your audience.

At least with the patients / families I visited when I was working I was generally only with them for up to an hour at a time.

Tracy

 

[Clara84]

Wonderful Dakota. I hope this event has boosted your confidence.

[Timber Wolf]

!

Thank you for the update, Dakota!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Cindy Truheart]

I know what you mean darlin'! I've been struggling too! But lately for some reason I've been able to look in the mirror and see me, even when I don't have makeup on! I don't know what happened or what changed, but I'm loving it! I even feel like I'm looking feminine while I'm pretending to be male at work! I'm so happy to hear you are doing better as well!

Love and Light!

[MarcieMarie12]

I've always found the most validation comes from complete strangers. Friends might be supportive but they may just try to not hurt your feelings and some family will never thing you pass due to your history with them.

Enjoy it, bask in it and keep that in mind when someone tells you that you do not pass.Especially yourself. That's what I do. 

 

[Guest ZombieDracula]

This is some really good news! That's really wonderful to read. I hope that it made you really happy and that you're more relaxed now! 

- ZD

[Charlize]

Thank you for your beautiful share.  I also found those moments heart warming as i found i could actually be myself and find acceptance in the world.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Dakota16]

My wife made this better last night when she picked me up from work. My kids found some neighbor kids to play with around the neighborhood. They were playing in our front yard last week and I needed to go run an errand. One of the neighbor kids keeps shifting her gaze between my daughter and me before looking at me and asking "are you her mom?" I smiled and said yes. A moment later, my daughter comes over and needs something saying "daddy could you..."

I looked at the girl I just talked to and she's looking between us again like "wait...what?"

Fast forward to yesterday. My wife picks me up from work and shares this tale with me. She had the kids, including neighbor kids, at a nearby park and they're playing around. It's time to leave and pick me up. She tells my kids it was time to go get daddy from work. Naturally, my kids don't want to go. Meanwhile, the same girl I had the brief exchange with last week looks at my wife with this really confused look.

"You mean their mom?"

"No," my wife says, "their dad."

"I thought they had two moms."

"No, I'm the only mom."

"So who is the other person I've seen at your house?"

"That's their dad."

"But...she looks like a woman."

"Yep, we're all adjusting."

 

I'm doing something right!

[Clara84]

Yes Dakota, understanding from other child is someways complicated.

I won't advice you to do the same as me because it's a very personal choice.

In my first weeks of transition, it happens once my child called me 'dad' in front of other child. The other child said "what? The woman there is your dad? I don't understand..."

After 1 months I beg my children not calling me dad anymore. One of the reason was I don't want to be outed publicly when I am with them. But the main reason is that I absolute never stick in that role. I've never been a dad because I am a woman. I never had a classical relationship as father, it was just a role which I tried to play.  I told them that I am now their second mom, my wife agreed and the children chose to call me "flower mom".  My children do transition incredibly fast in their mind, they switched to flower mom and used right pronouns after just a few days. And they never misgender me, absolutly never (my wife still does sometimes :'( )

Back to other child... at school everybody knows I am transitioning. All the teachers are very supportive and they answer to the questions when other child have some questions. They used story to explain the transition to the child.  One teacher explained that I was a princess hidden under another skin. The other teacher told the child a story about a flower who wants to be the sky.

At first my children asked me not to come in the school yard because they were afraid of other child reaction. I accepted that and wait. After 5-6 weeks they said it would be nice if I come in the school yard again, so do I.

When the other children saw me for the first time, no one recognized me. They all asked "who is she?" And my children answered " it's our mother, we now have two mothers".

Some children have asked the teachers about me and understand that I transitioned. But most of them don't believe it, even if it comes from adults or teacher.

I heard some conversations... "she's her mother, she now has two" then an older girl who understand the truth tells "yes, but you know it was her father and he became a mother" all other child answered "I ve also heard that but that's impossible... perhaps she's her aunt? Another woman?  "

My daughter is now tired to explain what others never understand. She said her father is gone and that my wife married a woman :-$ she said that because it's easier a for her and the other children believe that version easier.

About the children who saw me in early transition when I was called dad (they aren't in the same school) they questioned my child very often about me. "Why does your dad wear girl clothes?" "How can a woman be your dad?" Last time they asked something like that my older child was angry and shouted "BECAUSE SHE IS A WOMAN, UNDERSTOOD??" since that day, no more questions. And all the children address to me as "Madam".

I just wanted to share my story with you, but again I can't give any advice about how to act with your children, that must be your choice.

The positive thing about our both stories is that other children does clearly identify us as women :-)