Did you ever consider yourself a member of your assigned at birth sex?

[Token Economy]

Did you ever consider yourself to be a boy despite being a Trans girl or a girl despite being a trans boy? When I was a kid I was "convinced" that I was a boy despite the feelings I was having. I did not know you could be something on the outside and something completely different on the inside. So my cross gender feelings were dismissed by myself as signs of me being a freak or a sign of weakness.  If so when did you have the moment when you started to consider yourself as your true gender. 

[gennee]

I didn't know I was trans until my mid fifties. I had always considered myself male which is my birth gender.

[MarcieMarie12]

I always felt different, bit I actually believed all boys wanted to be girls. It was the "big" secret no one talked about. Boys were supposed to fight this urge....if they didn't, they got beaten up. 

[Jani]

I guess I never even considered the question.  I was just me.

I see you're new here.  Welcome!  Why don't you make a post to the Introduction page?  We'd love to hear from you.

Jani 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Token Economy,

I an certain that that's a common feeling when we are young. That is exactly the way I felt. I was terrified of anyone finding out, because I thought I was a freak. That's what society taught back then. I hadn't even heard of transgender until I was well into my adult years. Even then I was terrified of how I felt and stuffed it deep down, telling myself I was a boy, and that was that.

I was even more terrified when I accepted being trans. I spent a lot of time pouring over any information I could get trying to prove that I wasn't transgender. I couldn't find proof, and could no longer keep living as a boy. So, I'm a girl. A trans girl.?

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[DenimAndLace]

It's incredibly hard to assert your gender when it's in disagreement with the measure everyone uses to determine gender (your anatomy).  When I was younger, sex and gender were synonyms and both were determined by the genitalia you possessed.  Therefore, even though I always knew something was "wrong" with me, I didn't have the vocabulary, the social supports or the courage to assert my appropriate gender.  I identified as male because I had to not because it was what I intuitively knew to be correct.  "Body trumps mind" was the philosophy of the day.  If I would have identified myself as female, my community would have suggested I look in my pants and make the appropriate corrections to my thinking.  Thanks to enlightenment (or a departure from Christian / European philosophy) I have been able to assert my gender regardless of what's under my clothes.

[Cindy Truheart]

I was brought up in a very insular family, I barely knew other kids existed outside of family until I went to school. The few times I tried to tell my parents I was a girl, my Dad hurt me and told me to never say that again. Every time I tried to tell someone outside the family that I wasn't a boy I was told that I was wrong. Eventually, with enough negative reinforcement and outright denial, I figured I must be wrong so I started to repress. As the years went by I eventually repressed a good bit of myself. Looking back I can see that it was a survival instinct. But I knew that I was different, I knew that my instincts were feminine. Religion was used as a whip to force me into line, so I read the bible trying to find answers to why I felt this way. I read medical texts and scientific studies, all in an effort to figure out why I was the way I was. When puberty started, I was informed that in no uncertain terms, any man who dressed in women's clothes was a Gay man who simply didn't want to admit he was Gay. Despite the fact that I liked boys, I knew I couldn't be Gay, so I repressed it and I repressed the urge to dress in my sister's clothes. I'd managed to establish something of a wall in my head. Occasionally the wall would crack, and I'd be sure to patch it back up again. For a brief time, mostly my years in High School, I convinced myself I was just a normal boy.

When I went into the military it was my last resort. I'd already spent a year and a half living in my car. I didn't think I could survive another winter, and I wasn't getting ahead despite working four jobs at one point. Things were starting to slip in my head, having gotten away from my family, things were beginning to resurface. I figured that the military could "fix me" and make all of that go away. It had the opposite effect actually. More cracks developed in my walls, not less. I was terrified of being discovered. They would kick me out on a mental discharge and I'd be back to being homeless. I was being trained for a career, my one chance to have a future that didn't involve dodging the cops and finding someplace to sleep where they wouldn't find me. I couldn't concentrate on my studies, I was barely getting by and dangerously close to failing my classes. This time I made the choice to repress, I decided that I had to do it to get through the next four years, but I figured I could try to sort everything out after that. I used physical punishment, as I'd been taught by my father and the boys at school. After I learned to hide the bruises, I eventually managed to put up some of the strongest walls I'd ever made before. Occasionally I'd have a crack in the wall, but I'd easily patch it back up again.

When I 'popped my cap' it was twenty two years later. I'd only intended to repress for four years, until the end of my enlistment. I'd lived the past twenty two years convinced I was a straight cis-male. The thing that woke me up was HB2 in NC. I'd managed to find a wife, buy a house, and pretty much do all the "normal" domestic stuff you'd expect. I drank like a fish and was only holding on to my job by the skin of my teeth most days, but yeah, I was supposedly living the dream. But I was miserable, constantly annoyed and angry. But HB2 started conversations and made people want to know more. Eventually enough information got to me and it "clicked". It was like my sub-conscious had always been looking for the answer to what I am even though I'd convinced my conscious mind I was something completely different. My memories started coming back, and that was the end of me thinking I was male. I had my answers finally. I didn't fight it or try to deny. Growing up I thought that I was the only one out there like me. I thought I'd been born wrong, I thought I was broken. Now I had my answer, now I knew what I am. That was that, Pandora's Box was open. I reached inside and grabbed Hope, then let the rest fall where it will.

Sorry if this is TMI, but Writer's tend to expound on things a bit!

Love and Light!

[TexasLibraryLady]

Did I know I was a boy, in a sense I did because everyone kept telling me I was one. I just knew that wasn't right though and started praying and wishing I would wake up as a girl. Despite growing up in the 80s, I learned very early that there were others that felt like I did, what we were called, and that while maybe I couldn't be a girl, one day I could be a woman, although it would take more than wishes and prayers.

[Clara84]

No, never.

At the age of 3, when gender identity comes naturally into our mind. I knew I was a girl, it was clear and sure.

But the society and the fact my parents told me I was a boy makes me questioning, but I never felt I was a boy. I felt like "lost".
"Why did they told me I am a boy ??? It's a nonsense!"

Before puberty I didn't "pass" as a boy. People often asked me with gender I was. My answer was always the same : "You'll have to guess it!" because saying I was a boy was a lie and saying I was a girl was "forbidden".

In my teen years, the fact I was attracted to girls redirected me into a questioning phase (first I didn't thought I could be a lesbian, I learned the classical hetero binary scheme). I know that if I was attracted to boys, I would have transitioned earlier.

But in each questioning phase. the answer was the same : I am a girl !

Then I tried during a lot of years to "become" a boy. With no success at all.

No that I am transitioning and living full time as a woman since 3,5 months, I realize that my "fake boy" wasn't really well played. I acted like a woman during my whole life in many situations. I also realize that I am near the extreme in the gender spectrum, I feel more female than a lot of cis-woman.

[VickySGV]

In the 1950's the world as I knew it did not have the concept of being Trans*.  I could only consider myself to be a boy because I had a boy name and was introduced as one, wore the clothes and the haircut of a boy, there was no wiggle room then, especially in my family. I knew something was not right when I was about 4 years old in 1952, but it resolved itself then that I was a weird boy.  My younger sister was A GIRL, I was different physically, so I was A BOY, and I had no choice but to be one even in my own mind.  I tried to do things boys did, and could not often for other health reasons. (Hyperactive auto-immune system), and so while I tried, I flunked out.  I do have some memories that are good, because I had some acceptable talents I could use, and I did use them when I had the chance.  It was be a "Boy" or be nothing at all in that time.

[KathrynJulia]

I was born into the same 1950 mindset as Vicki, even though  I was born inter-sexed.  We didn't know about it .until puberty started in and my internal sex organs matured first.  Then my parents were able to hide from me by saying I had an appendicitis.  Their argument was they were protecting from the backwoods bigots.  When I was nearly seven "I learned from the Nuns in my Catholic school.  that to speak out the desire that you were different and wished to be a girl. Why I was an abomination before God.  And they had a good Catholic sadist that was skilled in turning students around.  Ever pray kneeling on a hard linoleum floor.  when I was seated in a desk.it was sitting straight while he beat the Christian view on trans people.  One day he took it too  far when I refused to answer him until he stopped hitting me.   He shattered a 40 inch long hardwood pointer across my hand. 
I remember it vividly,  I screamed at the top of my lungs and curled into a fetal position.  I was hysterical.  Never had i ever experienced so much pain at the hands of any abuser.  Father Hagenbarth picked me  up and carried me next door to the ER at the Catholic Hospital.  My parents were called.  The psychologist was fired.  And I learned about hiding in the closet and keeping my mouth shut..  Their treatment worked for many years.  Why do we need a gender therapist.  I needed mine to help me sort out things in my mind.  To help make me whole again.  Its why I spent all my savings to become me.  It made me feel complete.

Kathryn Julia

[Khoriilya]

As far back as I can remember, I knew in my heart I was a girl.  I tried so hard to act like a boy, and do boy things, but I always felt uncomfortable.

In school, when they would have the boys and girls line up separately, I always went to the girls line.  People would always make fun of my because of this and so could never understand why until i got older.

I always knew in my heart I was a girl that was born in the wrong body.

[Jani]

Kathryn I am sorry this happened to you.  It was wrong and you deserved to be treated better.

Jani

[Charlize]

That is a terrible story Kathryn.  I'm sorry you had to go through that.  I did my best to be a boy as that seemed like what i had to do in the 50's.  Then after 3rd grade i was sent to all boys schools.  It was hard enough to even talk to a female.  Growing up in an all male culture showed me no options but even so i explored my reality in secret.  In answering this question i will certainly say that at times i felt quite male.  I still do in my own way at times but now i am expressing me not what's "supposed" to be.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

A lot of assorted bad experiences from people, so sad

I never thought and just accepted things in my early years although do remember playing with my sister's toys as well as my own.

Personally I didn't really feel the differences in attitude toward male and female until I started school. I grew up as me although have never accepted being 'just male'. My first assertion, at least privately to me, was in first school when I heard one boy telling another that he shouldn't do something as only girls did it (I am not sure what that was, or ever knew). I did not agree and even remember not undestanding why not.

I was never strongly female, and never greatly male either as far as I remember. I did do very feminine things at times, and didn't really get on with male things or groups. I was picked on a lot. I did occasionally request very feminine clothing but I did realise that going too far would result in grief so was cautious. It was only in my late teens when I more openly wore feminine clothing / colours and in the last few years dresses and skirts.

Tracy

[Joshua]

I just always knew I was a boy, no question about it. I presented like a boy by wearing masculine clothes my whole life except for half of eighth grade where I felt like I had to pretend to be a girl. That didn't last long.

[Alexiawolf]

I would say I've known since I was about 6, I never thought about it as a child but not only did I not enjoy sports or collecting cards or even rough housing, I did enjoy using my imagination and things of that nature.  I never understood why but I always felt way more comfortable tucking at night when I went to bed I would sit to pee etc. I tried to cut my testicles off at 11 and succeeded with 1 but the pain became to much simply because my mind screamed at me they did not belong. It wasn't until I was 12 I learned what being trans is. and at 24 I started my transition.

[Guest Rachel Gia]

I became dysphoric at 9 and at 13 or 14 was when it hit and I became Transgender and started to express it in private.

Up till 9 I was pretty much your happy little boy.

 

My experiance has been that the undeniable awareness that I had at that age that I wanted to be a girl is not the norm if there is a norm. I first talked to my mom about it when I was 14. It was a non starter.

 

Most of the Trans people I have met since coming out did not know until later in their adult life.

 

 

[RikkiWilson]

I cannot be sure when I first started questioning my gender, other than when I was 15 stating that I was a boy (before I knew there was anything in between girl and boy). However, I cannot recall a time when I actually felt like I was a girl. I know there were times where I tried to be a girl but I never actually felt like one.

 

~ZD/Rikki ~

[KatrinaReann]

I can't ever remember a time where I felt like a boy. And everyone around me knew it without me saying a word about it. Except for my parents. I was very effeminate in my mannerisms even as a young child. It wasn't something I was taught it was just who I was. And I was bullied for it by both the boys and the girls.I can not tell you how many times I was beat on, kicked, spit on, ridiculed, or chased home by other kids for no other reason than being different. I was so traumatized  by some of these attacks that it took me 30 plus years to finally be able to put it all behind me. And even today at 55 yrs old I still struggle with the fear issues that stem from my childhood years. I have always felt female and I know nothing will ever change that because that's who I am. As I got older I too learned the value of the closet. I also learned there are a lot of obstacles in the closet that you have to overcome in order to come of it...lol

 

Huggsss!!

[Julie J]

I see this thread has stopped, but having only just read it I am going to throw in my thoughts about the question. While growing up I had no idea of being male or female. I was just me. I knew I was physically like my 3 older brothers, who were boys. I had short hair like my brothers but after a bath I liked to comb my hair in as much of the "beehive" fashion as I could and wrap a towel around my waist as a skirt. Then I would present myself to my mom and ask her if I looked like a girl? I remember she would say I looked cute and that week it was off to the barber shop for another haircut. I have five younger sisters and when I was around 5 or 6 I didn't understand why I wasn't physically a girl. I knew that I should have been born a girl but somehow a mistake had happened. I was not very masculine but neither was I feminine. I was definitely more sensitive and delicate than my brothers and was often teased and pushed around a lot. 

So I guess the answer for me is that I never felt I was a boy and I knew I wasn't a girl but thought, from a very early age, that I should have been born a girl. I echo the thoughts of the other posters in that I tried to repress my natural instincts because I was afraid I was some sort of freak. The 50's and 60's didn't have a lot of information about someone like me. It's taken me a long time to get over the "hiding in plain site" of acting like a man when all I wanted was normalcy - to be a woman. 

Hugs & Smiles 

Julie J 

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, Julie J said:

I see this thread has stopped, but having only just read it I am going to throw in my thoughts about the question.

 

It is always fine to revive sleeping threads here because it means they have something to say in the long run. 

 

[Kati]

The questioning began much later in life.  Perhaps I lacked imagination.  I suppose I was always a rather odd boy, always on outside of any circle, observing the lives of others but being rarely included.  Under those circumstances one becomes insular.  One looks for ways to amuse yourself.  That's when this often lonely boy began to experiment.  Was that the spark that lit the flame much later in life?  Who knows?  It some respects it doesn't matter.  What matters is the here and now.  What matters is what I call "The New Reality."  

[Julie J]

Thanks Vicky. I have talked to a few of my trans friends about this and as you might well guess, I get many varying answers but the main theme that is repeated most often is the recognition of something being wrong from almost the earliest memory. My friend here in the same city, whom I've known for 40 years, didn't recognize she was trans till her early 30's. She has already transitioned and had her SRS. We are a very diverse group of ladies and gentlemen and those in between. Please share your stories so others won't feel so alone. Thanks. 

Hugs & Smiles 

Julie J 

[jae bear]

 this is a great question and I have a very specific answer.

There was a very specific if not short period of my life I truly wanted to be a man. From the age of four and into my thirties I knew and strongly felt wrongly Gendered by birth. Just before going all out DIY transition at the age of 32 I met a cute brunette that changed my world. I’de never been in love before,  even though I thought maybe I had been once or twice, this reality was different, I was in love with this girl and became hopelessly lost. Our relationship  was a whirlwind, planning a wedding,  Setting up home, and planning for and creating a family occupied every moment of my life, and the whole time I had no feelings of dysphoria, no feelings about being wrong, and no desire from pulling out of my existence as a man. This lasted for a good year and a half, Honestly at the time I thought I’d been cured by love,  but that wasn’t really the case. Between being in love and the distractions of life, I thought it had left me, and I was so grateful that I thought I was finally happy. Of course when I was 35 a Buick ran over me while I was riding my motorcycle, and that year and a half of bliss ended.  Waking up in the ICU after a week of Being in a coma, I realized the dysphoria was not gone, and now it was so much worse, I sank into a depression of unimaginable depth...  it took me  another 11 years to take action, then 17 months ago I started in earnest the process I was so serious about at the age of 29.

 So in conclusion I had one and 1/2 years of truly wanting to be a man, but that was it .

 Hugs, 

Jackie