New here. Super Confused. What am I?

[TiaMaria]

Hi everyone…

Ok… so this is the first time I’ve posted here so, I’m sorry if I say anything offensive or out of place. So for a long time now, I’ve been questioning myself and whether or not I may be MtF transgender. I love the idea of being able to start HRT and begin transition to female, but even though I want this I still don’t feel like I fit the norm of being transgender. I don’t think I feel like a woman, and I haven’t known about these feelings my entire life like some transgender people do.

I mean… it’s like I can imagine it all the time, but then it’s like reality hits and I keep hearing the same things in my head like “You’ll always be a boy” and stuff like that and it just starts really bumming me out. I say this cause people say I look really boyish. I’m also afraid that if I did try to transition, I’d look like a guy in a dress instead of passing as a girl.

Does anyone have any advice for any of this? Does it sound like I may be transgender? What should I do?

Some more info:

·         Pretty sure I’m only attracted to girls

·         Don’t really know if I want to present as female all the time

·         Afraid of coming out to people(especially my transphobic family)

·         Super jealous of… like, ALL WOMEN!!

[MaryEllen]

Hello TiaMaria,

Welcome to TransPulse. It's not uncommon to have confusion as to where you actually fit in. A gender therapist could help you in this respect. Without knowing more about your circumstances, this is the best advice I can offer. Fell free to browse the forums for information and ask questions. We'll do our best to help.  

http://www.transgenderpulse.com/gender-therapists

MaryEllen

[Charlize]

Welcome Tia Maria.  Take some time and read the posts of others here.  You are certainly not alone.  Many question their identity but reading, posting and then talking to a GT as Mary Ellen suggested can certainly help.

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[TiaMaria]

Hello MaryEllen,

Thank you for the welcome  

Um... If it's okay I could tell you more about myself and maybe you could tell me what you think I might be?? 

[Dev]

Hi Tia,

I don't want to preempt any conversation MaryEllen might be willing to have with you, but I will say that by and large the only person who can decide what label - if any label - fits you is you.  That's why she recommended talking things through with a gender therapist - doing so will help quite a bit in sorting out which gender(s) you want to claim as your own.

[VickySGV]

9 hours ago, TiaMaria said:

Some more info:

·         Pretty sure I’m only attracted to girls

·         Don’t really know if I want to present as female all the time

·         Afraid of coming out to people(especially my transphobic family)

·         Super jealous of… like, ALL WOMEN!!

None of those points make you Trans* and NONE of them make you "NOT TRANS".  If  your gender ideas are bothering you to the point where you have come here to ask questions, then you are not absolutely Cis Gender.  If you were that, there would be no questions to ask, and this is a good place to share feelings and experiences, and read others in order for you to make best use of Gender Counseling as has been pointed out above.  I am a woman of Trans* history and there is absolutely no reason to be jealous of me, so take the ALL out up there and it will be easier to talk to us.

[LizK]

Many who are trans struggle to come to terms with what it means to them and how it will impact their life. Therapy is the best place to start to sort out your feelings. The best thing for you may well be Transition and HRT but it is a massive step that will impact you in every little corner of your life you can think of from picking up some milk at the local store to going into work(if that's your thing). 

Finding a good therapist is part of the key to working out where you fit in.

Liz

[JodyAnn]

8 hours ago, TiaMaria said:

Hello MaryEllen,

Thank you for the welcome  

Um... If it's okay I could tell you more about myself and maybe you could tell me what you think I might be?? 

Certainly you are welcome to tell more. Tell you what you are we probably cannot do. We can compare journeys, help you to feel like you are not the only one on the planet feeling this way.

You can experiment carefully without ruining your life, at some point later on like passing over a series of one way tire grates. The more you pass, the more no turning back. No need for fear, but be sure to go in with both eyes open. Welcome. Please feel at home and ask all the question you like.

[TiaMaria]

VickySGV, I am sorry if I upset you. I am still not good at explaining this stuff.

Let me try again:

Ok…

·         I’m 22 years  old AMAB

·         I’ve never felt like I was like other boys

·         I’ve always wished that I could have been born female

·         I’ve still never really felt like a girl, and I can never say “I am a girl”, I can just say that I “wanted to be a girl”(If that makes sense)

·         Don’t know if I would like to present as female all the time

·         Afraid that transitioning will make my family hate me

 

[VickySGV]

7 minutes ago, TiaMaria said:

VickySGV, I am sorry if I upset you. I am still not good at explaining this stuff.

No upset at all, I have been doing this moderation job on the Forums for 6 years, and I am used to doing some teaching and sometimes reaching to get the person to look at themselves.  In the beginning it is almost impossible for any of us to comprehend.  At your age I did not have even as much language to use to speak about it as you have in your posts.

Family is a huge issue and it will take some time and care to deal with them, but as you note your age at 22, I was fighting a major battle with my father over what career I wanted instead of the one he was urging me into and never got near the gender issue back then. It is a process that takes time and needs help from others such as Gender Therapists to get ready for family enlightenment and find out what really will happen.

I have spent time in many "support groups" and many more nights in clubs with people for whom one night every three or four months, or maybe one three day dressing binge in a year at a convention was all they needed to control their GD monster.  I wish I could have been one of them from time to time, but no luck there.

31 minutes ago, TiaMaria said:

·         I’ve always wished that I could have been born female

·         I’ve still never really felt like a girl, and I can never say “I am a girl”, I can just say that I “wanted to be a girl”(If that makes sense)

It makes perfect sense to me, but then I have just gotten home from a whole evening of being with Trans* people who don't look like anything  but who are just, super nice, great people

[DrumbeatAlex]

Hey TiaMaria!   Welcome!! 

58 minutes ago, TiaMaria said:

I’ve always wished that I could have been born female

·         I’ve still never really felt like a girl, and I can never say “I am a girl”, I can just say that I “wanted to be a girl”(If that makes sense)

·         Don’t know if I would like to present as female all the time

·         Afraid that transitioning will make my family hate me

I can relate to all of these (except I'm AFAB). The second point about "wanting to be a girl" as opposed to saying you ARE a girl is one that particularly hits home with me and has caused a fair bit of confusion. XP 
Unfortunately, I haven't come to any conclusions about myself so I can only say that you are not alone in feeling this and if you want to talk I'm around here, get it and we can struggle through together.

Also, while family is important, it may be easier to get your thoughts straight if you only worry about what You want and who You really are, at the moment. You can deal with how you should tell your family and how they might react after you know more about yourself. If you want to know who you really are you don't want to scare yourself into denial because of how your family might react.

Goodluckk and I hope you find Transpulse helpful.