I'm Happy Now, So Why Am I Still Drinking?

[Guest Sergei]

I started drinking really heavily during the time when I was most confused about my gender. All my friends would go out, to a pub, or to see a film, and I never felt like I could go because of the way I looked. This was about 2 years ago. I would sit in my room everynight, and drink. I would never drink during the day time, but everynight around 6 or 7pm it would start. I would drink until I pretty much passed out, and didn't have to think about my situation any longer. Then the next morning I would always get up, even though I would feel awful, and hung over, and because I'm a pianist at university and I always started my practise at 8am. Practise until 6, then go and drink again. This was how I lived my life until July this year.

In July I decided to take on a massive challenge, and entered myself for a piano diploma exam, that was extremely difficult. My tutor who has always supported me with my gender issues and was aware of the ammount I was drinking asked me to stop, for the month leading up to the exam. I did. I was so focused on my work, that I gave up, and it didn't even feel that bad. I had my hair cut short as well during this time, and started presenting as male, which made me feel so happy, that I no longer felt the need to drink. Even after the exam I didn't start again.

2 weeks ago, there was one evening, and I don't even know why, but I felt so awful about everything. Even though everything is going so well for me now. I started again. Now I can't stop. I'm back to the old habbit of drinking every night. I keep telling myself everyday, "just one last evening, i'll stop again tomorrow". But I never do. I'm terrified as well now, because I have to go for a blood test before they give me hormones, and I'm scared I may have damaged my liver, and they'll find out and won't treat me.

My tutor is really upset as well. He was so proud of me when I quit. He asked me today to stop again. He even helped me come up with a work schedule so I can fill up my days and nights completely so I don't have anytime to drink, or to think about drinking.

I'm going to try again. Today is day 1. But when it gets to 6pm I know that horrible feeling is going to enter me again. The shaking, and insomnia. Even the loneliness drives me to it!

[MaryEllen]

Hi Sergei,

Alcohol is just as addicting as any other drug which is probably the reason you can't quit even though you want to. Perhaps you could find a local chapter of Alcohol Anonymous. Their 12 step program is really awesome. Give it a try. You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Good luck.

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/en_find_meeting.cfm

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

MaryEllen

[Guest bobbi/robin_p]

Hi, I am a Alcoholic.. My name is Robin P.

When i drank, i drank no matter what .On good days and bad day. I had to have it or i thought i would die.

Here is an excerpt from the Big Book of Alcohol Annonymous.

For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt -- and one more failure.

The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did -- then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen -- Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!

I found help in the Halls of AA.

[Guest Sergei]

The trouble is I struggle socially. Particularly in group situations. I want to have one last try at coming off on my own. I managed last night, although it wasn't easy. I just need to try and stay focused on my work and use my willpower. If I fail again I will consider AA. Thanks MaryEllen and Robin. Being able to talk here helps me. Knowing I'm not alone. Thanks for the advice.

[Guest bobbi/robin_p]

I'm Learning to be a sober Woman in the halls of AA. I'm learning how to be around other people there. Especially when i feel icky and look horrible. It was weird at first because i was anti social and afraid of getting hurt.

Blah blah blah..i get chatty

Just think if you decide to try a meeting. They don't really know you, so you could go practice till you get comfortable being you and sober.

[Guest clearleeraines]

The trouble is I struggle socially. Particularly in group situations. I want to have one last try at coming off on my own. I managed last night, although it wasn't easy. I just need to try and stay focused on my work and use my willpower. If I fail again I will consider AA. Thanks MaryEllen and Robin. Being able to talk here helps me. Knowing I'm not alone. Thanks for the advice.

You would be surprised to find that most of us "in the rooms" have exactly the same feelings as you do, i don't like socials groups either, and I did the same thing work all day. Then go home and drink and use, play my bass murder nutshell or some other song till i passed out. Wake up and do it again! My friends would ask me to jam with them, I either never showed or drank too much and blew it. Its a broken record throw it out! Thats where the program comes in! I CAN'T, BUT WE CAN.

I know it sounds weird, but it works. No one of us could do it by ourselves. If we could have we would have, and there would not be a program. TRUST N BELIEVE baby thats all you gotta do . PS now I own nutshell, I would make mike inez look twice. By the way alice in chains original bassist mike starr died of a overdose. cuz thats what happens to us sooner or later we OD ! cirrhosis, hepatitis, lose our minds and die, or worse kill someone else. It never gets any better, . . . . EVER!!!, WE KNOW!!!

In closing The best comedy I have ever found has been in the rooms, We are not a glum lot

Join us, you have nothing to lose. Ill bet you have a lot to give, and we are always looking for a few good wreaks.

Thank You very much I never want to forget what it was like.

Mx Clear Raines

[Charlize]

Thank you for your share Clear Raines. It reminds me so much of what i have found in the rooms of AA. My home group is a speaker discussion meeting and i'm always amazed at ho many share about how they always felt that they didn't fit in. Drinking made it possible to let go and find enjoyment with others. That was the case for me at the beginning of my use but gradually i became a solitary drinker as well. The promise of forgetting about myself and finding enjoyment with others disappeared. After all i was unique and no one who knew me could possibly love me. So i lied, hid in fear and soon drank only to forget.

The rooms first gave me the miracle of a temporary ability to stop drinking long enough to get through some serious withdraws. Then with time i found the love and support i needed to not only be myself but to enjoy life and my fellows as well. i am not at all unique, just another human who happens to be an alcoholic.

Tonight is one of the best nights of the week, i have many now. I get to go to my home group and share my life and sobriety with others. I can only hope that someone else needing help will be there as i was a few 24 hours ago.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest cerise]

Surrender can be a beginning

Hugs Cerise.