Hi

[Will]

 Hello everyone,

I've been a sporadic lurker of this website for many years. Whenever things would get really bad I would come to the forums & read other's stories to feel less alone. I've been struggling with the idea of being trans for a long time. I was raised very conservative & old-school religious so I've had to work my way free of the brainwashing. I was in my early 20s before I even allowed myself to admit that I was a tiny bit queer. I'm very close with my family but they are also one of the biggest reasons I can never see myself being able to transition. It took them a few years but they were able to deal with it when I came out as Bisexual and as an Atheist so I had some hope. I had sorta settled in my mind that I would wait another 5 yrs and if I was still feeling this way then I would attempt transitioning (while also telling myself that it would all go away before 5 yrs was up, I gaslight myself something awful).

 

I had thought with the way the culture was going (Thank you Laverne Cox, Chaz Bono and Caitlyn Jenner) maybe my family would at least not cut me off when I transitioned. But then Nov 9th 2016 happened and the future got so much darker on so many fronts. So now I'm back to trying to convince myself that I can just stay closeted for the rest of my life and that ignoring my body/avoiding mirrors will be enough.

 

 I'm also a very anxious person and I stay in this worry spiral of "I'm not trans, I'm just a masochist" "If I ever transitioned I would probably immediately regret it" and "How is trading this hated body shape for a mutilated imitation of a different shape any better?"" I've recently in the past year found myself retreating into more traditionally feminine presentation choices. I'm not sure why as I dont really enjoy it & it gives me anxiety. Yet the idea of presenting more masculine gives me more anxiety and just makes me hate my body more.

 

 So anyway, I'm not a very hopeful happy person these days and I'm not even sure why I'm here/posting other than I have to do something bc something must change. Hoping connecting with other people in the community might help.

 

  Thanks

[Dev]

Welcome out of the shadows, Will.  We're glad to have you with us.  One of the things I think might help about your association with us is that it might normalize the idea of "transness" in your mind a bit.  I've found that when people spend time with us, they come to realize we're human, just like anyone else - there isn't anything "other" about us, and certainly nothing that should make us feel that we're somehow flawed or "less than" simply for being who we are and playing the hands we've been dealt.

 

Where the anxiety is concerned, particularly as it ties to the idea of presenting in a more masculine way, I can't recommend strongly enough that you get set up with a qualified gender therapist.  I see you're in Mississippi, and I don't have to look to know our listings are pretty thin for that part of the country, but it's my hope you'll find someone within reasonable driving distance.  I say this because I've seen people go down the staying closeted for life road, and it never turns out well.  

 

There, lecture over.  I do want to welcome you to TransPulse, and we look forward to helping in any way we can.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Will.  I share a lot of the same thoughts as Dev concerning what you said about how you are currently feeling about yourself.  It is undeniably a huge decision, even going as far as admitting that you are trans.  Doing something about it is an even bigger step, and not to be taken lightly.  As Dev mentioned, seeing a G.T. is probably the best step.  There are G.T.'s who have Skype-based clients, and I believe our listing has those, too.

 

In the meantime, being here with us, learning, talking to others, getting facts and hearing about the experiences of others will help a lot.  Ask any questions, and we'll do our best to provide honest answers.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

Hello Will and welcome.  I'm glad you've joined us.  

 

I know you think you may regret making the choice to transition but I'm not sure you will as I haven't met anyone who's regretted making a change in their life.  I haven't. 

3 hours ago, Will said:

I've been struggling with the idea of being trans for a long time.

Transition takes many forms and what works for me may not work for you, and that's OK.  Each of our journeys is personal.  You only need to go as far as YOU need to go. 

 

58 minutes ago, Dev said:

 I've found that when people spend time with us, they come to realize we're human, just like anyone else

I think we tend to assign values to others responses before we receive them.  Most of the time our thoughts are negative, yet I see the vast majority of us experience acceptance in some form.   If you are close to your family, give them a chance to proof it to you.

3 hours ago, Will said:

but they are also one of the biggest reasons I can never see myself being able to transition. 

 

3 hours ago, Will said:

"How is trading this hated body shape for a mutilated imitation of a different shape any better?"

Changing your body is a personal choice that not all of us make for various reasons related to personal feelings, financial or health issues.  I hear that you're anxious and you have some "conservative brainwashing" concerns that may be coloring your opinions but this thought is somewhat transphobic and that is another issue you will frequently come across in our community, yet not so much here.   Go back to what Dev said, we're human.  Value the differences you see in others.  My choice was to realign my body to the feeling of my psyche, not to mutilate it.  It was a truly validating decision that I would make again in a heartbeat.  

 

I'll pile on and recommend seeing a therapist (in person or online) since it was the single most beneficial decision I have made in my own transition journey.   If you ever decide to try HRT this is a step you'll need.  You also may that HRT will work wonders on your anxiety.  Even at a small dosage.  It did for me.

 

Again, welcome and please join the conversation when you can.  We'd love to hear more from you.  We are stronger when we stand together.

 

Cheers, Jani

 

 

 

 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Will,

Welcome to TransPulse!

When I finally accepted that I am trans, I was terrified by the implications. I had been hiding in my closet not only from everyone else, but also from myself for so long. I told myself many things to bury it myself. Thank goodness I found TransPulse (at that time "Laura's Playground"). It was a miracle in my life. I went from feeling all alone in the world, having suicidal thoughts, to having a community that I was a part of. I gained strength and courage that I never dreamed possible from the friends here. 

 

We are no longer alone here. Without the strength and courage we get from facing our joys and fears and trans life together, many of us would not be able to move forward as well. I know I wouldn't be able to.

 

Now you're no longer alone either. Take the strength and courage we offer, and who knows what miracles may be in store for you. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Charlize]

Welcome to Trans/Pulse Will.  

I was just beginning to experiment and open to the world when i found this site.  Reading and sharing with others here has helped me find and accept a path.  I can't tell you it is an easy path.  Years into legal, societal and medical transition doubts and fears crop up from time to time.  At the same time i'm mostly happy and enjoying myself with my gender issues fading into the background.  I know i'll always face the fact that i'm trans*.  Acceptance and finding a place of comfort is the best i can do.  These issues will never go away.  They have always been part of me so finding peace with myself may well be the best i can do.  Sharing with others who understand helps me do that.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Karl]

On 9/8/2017 at 1:01 PM, Will said:

 So anyway, I'm not a very hopeful happy person these days and I'm not even sure why I'm here/posting other than I have to do something bc something must change. Hoping connecting with other people in the community might help.

 

 

Will,

 

First, I want to say welcome. Now for the fun.

 

You are certainly not alone in your experiences when it comes to staying stealth. I thought I was ready to come out in college and when I did I was confronted with a reality I could not face at the time. I went back deep into the denial closet and said maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was just a phase. Years later and here I am.

If you ever feel alone there is also live chat that you can join and talk with people in there along with being here on the forums. I would like to encourage you to reach out and talk to any of us. You never know what will happen.

 

Karl

[MarcieMarie12]

 

Welcome to transpulse Will, glad you joined in the conversation. I was in one of those denial states for 42 years, and not because of religion, just how I was raised and how I dealt with gender. I thought all boys secretly wanted to be girls, which apparently is not true.  But people transition in different ways and at different speeds. Once I realized what being transgender was I realized very quickly I needed to transition. Putting it off and torturing myself made no sense. 2 years later, I am a post op transwoman. Other take longer, others don;t have surgery. Everybody is different.

 

On 9/8/2017 at 3:01 PM, Will said:

 

 I'm also a very anxious person and I stay in this worry spiral of "I'm not trans, I'm just a masochist" "If I ever transitioned I would probably immediately regret it" and "How is trading this hated body shape for a mutilated imitation of a different shape any better?""

 

 

I wouldn't use the word mutilation, it is more like body sculpting/oragami. Once of the funny things is that we all start off with the same body parts, and hormones and genetics result in our sex at birth (male female or something else).  Regret is always a concern. The thing about it for me was to see how it made me feel, and not worry how others saw it or treated me because of it. I took some small steps and it just showed me that I should be female, not male or something in between.