Reintroduction & asking for advice?

[Sara w]

Hi, I haven't posted here in a long time, so long in fact it looks like I had to make a new account. My name is Sara, I started out here when I was about 13, I'm now 22. This site helped me so much with my personal growth and understanding of myself. Since I last posted here I was in the middle of high school, I had started dating a great guy named Nick who is FtM. I was still struggling quite a bit, my mom knew I was trans but wasn't accepting in the slightest. But I had great support from my friends and partner. Now I work full time with full support from management to work full time as myself, with one of the manager's support even being the major reason I gained the confidence to even start the process of obtaining hormones. I live with and am still with Nick, I have now been on hormones for just under 11 months.

 

The first few months were the best period of my life. I had newfound confidence and had hope for the first time in my life that I'd be able to successfully live a normal life as a girl. But lately I've been struggling with severe self image issues to the point I've been considering suicide almost daily again. Puberty has done a huge number on me. The thing that bothers me most is that I've had it easy compared to so many I've seen. Yes my mom may not have been supportive (but since telling her I've been on hormones she hasn't been as hardlined and even said "I just want you to be happy"), but every one of my friends have been supportive, I've had a partner standing with me through almost all of this, hormones have been relatively easy to obtain, when I go out presenting as female I haven't had any remarks which leads me to believe I pass well, and my workplace has been all but pushy when it comes to my transition (our regional manager, who oversees 4 stores, came up to me and said if I had any issues she would make sure they were dealt with.

 

So why has my emotional state been so bad and why have I had such a hard time handing this when things have been going so well? Any advice that anyone can provide would mean the world to me.

[Carolyn Marie]

Hi, Sara, and welcome back!  It's good to hear from you, and I think I remember you from back then.

 

I am not going to be much help in regards to your "why do I feel like this?" question.  Usually when someone is down for a long time, there are  external factors that come into play; something easy to mark as a cause.  In your case, nothing obvious comes to mind.

 

What I can say from my own experience is that the mind has an easy time dredging up horrible "what if" scenarios, or plaguing you with nightmares, and all the things you read about happening to other people you start imagining are, or will, happen to you.  Starting hormones won't necessarily ease those mind games, because the fact of your transition is becoming more real every day.

 

That's just my take on it, and others may have a different idea.  You did not mention seeing a gender therapist, or having ever done so.  If that's true, I urge you to find one to talk to, because that person should be able to help you figure out what's going on, and help you get past it to lead the productive and happy life that you seem ready for. 

 

I do hope very much that your mental outlook will improve with time and therapy, and I'm so glad that you have a great support network.  That can only help.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Sara w]

Thank you for the response, it does seem like a big thought that is always prevalent is missed opportunities, and extreme jealousy to those I perceive as being significantly more successful in their transition than I am. As for a gender therapist I am not seeing one, or really a therapist of any kind. I live in a small city of about 70k people, and we're just starting to get better access to doctors willing to prescribe HRT. The vast majority of the community is supportive here, it's great. But no I haven't come across any legitimate gender therapists. Some people who have worked with transgender individuals but I have met one of them and am extremely hesitant to meet with anymore as he had only worked with transgender people who had "regretted" their transition, as he put it. And attempted to convince me that I should accept the way I was physically and said things like the friends that I had at the time, who were fantastically supportive, would likely not be there into my adulthood.

[VickySGV]

I am pretty sure that things in Canada are the same as in the U.S. and so I will simply say that every Gender Therapist begins as the garden variety type of therapist, MSW, Marriage & Family Therapist and the like.  They just have taken on Trans* patients and learned how to do the job.  I was my therapist's second Trans* patient, and the first of the two to sober up and become eligible for HRT.  I agree that the therapist you spoke to with the sky high regret rate was not a therapist for you, or possibly ANY Trans* person and may be why his patients regretted transition.  

 

I am further along than you are in transition and even today, I find things from my past that weigh down on me, that are different from my GD.  On the positive side,  I have eliminated GD from being a problem I need to deal with on a first level need now and am getting into some emotional neglect items that even as I type keep me from seeing myself in good terms, and make me beat up on myself more than a little bit.  Just a thought, but HRT and even GCS do not make life perfect, but we are now in a place to deal with the other stuff.

[tracy_j]

You make a good point in your second paragraph Vicky.

 

The gender dysphoria is a big issue for many of us but, when taken out of the equation, it still leaves all the other issues of life which affect people in general. A good reason for having a gender therapist as they will likely help clarify which are gender issues and which are just life in general.

 

Tracy

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Sara W,

Welcome back to TransPulse, foemerly Laura's Playground! The only thing I can really speak to on your emotional state is the importance of seeing a therapist or psychologist. I remember when suicide was my daily thought. It was a low point in my life. Whatever it takes to feel better. The answer to your question of "why" is within you. A therapist or psychologist can help you find it, and there is no shame in using one. I've found them helpful in my life.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Charlize]

It is wonderful to hear how well things appear to be going for you Sara.  Despite difficulties it sounds like you've made amazing strides towards the  acceptance of both your world and yourself.  I remember during parts of my life when i made steps forward feeling what i've heard of described as a pink cloud.  All my other issues fell to the side for a time.  Unfortunately they tend to return.  Learning to live my life as it comes is difficult.  There have been times when i've had to get professional help both for gender issues and issues of depression.  I was helped and while i'm now no longer taking medication for depression i continue to use other support networks.  Coming here helps as well.  Simply knowing that others share similar feelings and opening up and sharing my own helps me when i need help.  Glad your back!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize