Perspective

[Cindy Truheart]

Hi all, it's been a couple months, but I thought I'd pop in.

 

Things are interesting for me now. I've had a lot of introspection, a lot of coming to terms with things, and a lot of new experiences. My therapist has been really good at chipping away at my walls. I needed someone to have an aggressive approach with me, and it's working. All too often I will divert the topic, or gloss over the reality of things. I'm very accustomed to accepting what comes and apparently I don't know how to set boundaries or how to express my discomfort or my needs. Honestly, I didn't know it was an option in most cases.

 

I'm still waiting to run down some things about my suspicions of being intersex until I can change my insurance plan. I'm still experiencing pain, but my doctor has managed to help with that so it's not as bad. I'm giving myself injections of E now and I think I've managed to deal with my fear of needles enough so that I can continue to do so. The shots work better than either the pill or the patch in my opinion, and the changes in me are more and more noticeable. I had my one year on HRT a week ago so I put together a collage of before, during and current pictures. That helped with things. I've finally come up with the money for laser and I start that in a few weeks. And if all goes according to plan I should be able to get FFS/trachea shave in the spring. But that just means it probably won't happen for another year!

 

I'm completely full time now and even some people at work who weren't exactly friendly when I came out have come around. All in all I'd say that the social part of my transition is complete! I go to court for my name change petition in two weeks and if all goes well then I will soon start getting the legal stuff out of the way. The day I get my new driver's license is going to be epic! I absolutely can't wait!

 

I've also had an experience that has solidified my sexuality in my mind. I met a guy. I wasn't in to him that much and to be honest, I wasn't ready for a relationship. But I did let him kiss me, and for me, it confirmed my suspicions. I got more out of a kiss from a man that I'm not attracted to than I ever did from kissing women. I figure that pretty much says it all. I may discover more about myself along the way, but now that I have confirmed this, I feel like I can take my time with future discoveries.

 

My wife and I are still together and she has finally started slipping into the friendship role. I love her more than anyone else on this planet and she's known for a long time that I'm really not in to women. Still, occasionally she tries to go back to the way things were and it gets awkward. I still struggle with stopping her in the moment before she crosses that line. She always apologizes later, but I wish I could stop her soon enough that she doesn't have to apologize.

 

Looking back on my life before I made the decision to transition, I have to wonder at how unaware I was of myself and my own emotions and desires. I feel more free now than I have ever been. I feel like one day I may even love my life. All I do know is that I'm much more content. I'm much more engaged in my life and what I experience. Not all of this is just from transition, a good bit is from my therapy. We're digging around inside my head and finding all the bad wiring so that I can fix it. That alone has been worth this journey.

 

So I hope you all don't mind my poking my head in here every now and then. These last few months I tried to unplug as much as possible from 'being trans'. I wanted to focus on living and being comfortable just as a person without carrying around that extra baggage in the back of my mind. It's been good for me. So good in fact that I have decided to continue doing just that. It isn't to say that I'm going to go stealth and never come back! But it is to say that I'm going to try this thing called 'living' that I've heard so much about.

 

Love and Light,

Cindy

[Charlize]

I'm glad you stopped in Cindy.  have missed you.  It definitely sounds like you've been busy at self acceptance.  That alone is an amazing journey.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[MarcieMarie12]

Hi Cindy, good to hear things are going reasonably well. When you start laser, get some lidacaine (it is usually an active ingrediant in burn gels. You can get stronger stuff if you can get a prescription, it helps!

[Jani]

Hello Cindy!  It's good to hear from you.  Congratulations on your 1 year HRT anniversary.  It sounds like your therapist is really helping you sort things out.  Great.  As far as your wife slipping into "friend mode" that is what frequently happens  when you stay together.  I hope it works out well for you both.  Living is all about what you put into it.  That's what you get back.  I'm happy for you and that you're focusing on the positive side of life.  

 

Cheers, Jani  

[tracy_j]

Hi Cindy!

 

Glad you popped by. It is good to keep in touch and see a continuing thread.

 

Take care

 

Tracy x

 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Cindy,

I'm glad to here from you again. It sounds like you're getting balance in your progress. When we first accept being trans, we often go gung ho with it. But then we cool off over it a little and discover there are other things in life to work on too. Finding that balance I've found can be almost as dificult as learning about being trans in its own way.

I hope you won't be a stranger around here. I enjoy hearing from you!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?