Out of My Closet. Now Out of My Shell?

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Everyone,

I understand today is National Coming Out Day. I'm out of the closet with family and a few others. 

Ok, I've stepped out of my closet, but I'm still like a turtle who keeps pulling back into my shell when others are around. When social events occur, I hide. I have no real social skills in social occasions.

 

In a little over a week I've been invited to a girls night with my sister, her best friend (a wonderful person) and her friends sister. All are very accepting,and it was my sister's friend who specifically invited me.

I think it will be an excellent opportunity to grow and learn socially. But I'm terrified. I am so afraid I won't know what to say or do. I'm afraid I won't come accross as a girl well. Basically I'm afraid I'll be as awkward as I'll feel.

 

I've been afraid of heights all my life. I had a job as a painter and decided to just concure my fear of heights one day. I started climbing the ladder we used, despite my fear. I made it all the way to the top, then volunteered to work on the ladder. I became one of 3 painters who would work in high places. I faced my fear and concured it.

 

This girls night is my next ladder. I will never be free of my social "terror" by hiding away in my shell. The only way to overcome my fear is to face it. It's what we all do here as trans people. Being trans is terrifying at times.

 

There are those who like to say we're week to want to be women (or men). I'd like to see if they would have the courage to go to a social occasion in women's cloths. They'd chicken out!? I really believe that we here are some of the most courageous people there are. Not because we aren't afraid, but rather because we are afraid, and we face our fears and terrors. We have to.

One of the reasons we are able to is because we have each other. The support and encouragement I've received here is immeasurable. So as I prepare to take this step in my growth as a girl, I know I can do it and not be paralyzed by fear like I would have been before, because I know that you, my friends, have done simular things too, and I'm not alone.

I would like to take this moment to say to any newcomers to TransPulse who are scared and unsure if they can ever find the courage to be themselves, I was right where you are now when I first found this forum. When I took those first terrifying steps out of my closet here, I found I was welcomed with open and supporting arms. I couldn't even conceive of the thought that I would ever be able to be myself with my family, or anyone else. It was just so frightening. And now, here I am! My journey has not yet reached it's destination. But the joy I already feel in my life is beyond anything I had thought possible. And I've learned that each step I take on my journey, no matter how terrifying or painful, brings me closer to being true to myself. The thrill of stepping out and being myself may be mellowing, but it is being replaced by a peacefulness within. None of it would have been possible without all my friends here, and that's why I love you all so much.

So happy coming out, whatever day it is. And know that none of us face our fears and terrors alone here. We all do it together!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

 

[MaryEllen]

Just go and be yourself. You'll do fine. 

 

MaryEllen

[Jani]

I agree.  Just go and be you.  You've been invited to join them, so have fun.  They know your status, so no fear there.  If you stumble try making light of it, "oops, I just learning the ropes!"  They will understand.  Learning the social aspect is hard but it seems like you've got a good team of people around you.  Let us know how it goes.

 

Jani

[Rachael]

Just go and listen there will be something you feel comfortable joining in the conversation then soon evertthing will be fine. Most often it is our perception of what we think others will see that holds us back. 

Have a good time. 

[Charlize]

Thank you for your beautiful share.  Each time i moved forward it helped me a bit to get over that paralyzing fear.  As my fear lessened i found a path towards self acceptance.  I also needed the help of others and like you i found a great deal here.  Have a great time!  You deserve it and don't worry you will hopefully only find support and advice from family and friends.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Cbxshawn]

Hi Timber Wolf, 

I was right there where you are less than 10 months ago. After coming out to my family and finding so much love and support, I began coming out to friends and then people I work with. I found more and more strength as I came out to each person. After a month or two, I began going to stores as myself. I gained more confidence each time. I then began this full-time journey at work and every outing on July 5th. Now I don't leave the house without makeup on. It's been so uplifting for me to be myself, I have not looked back. 

 

The more you get out as yourself the more strength and confidence you will gain. Go out and be yourself lock male side in that closet and have fun make your life yours. 

 

Love and hugs 

 

Shawnna 

[Guest]

14 hours ago, Timber Wolf said:

I really believe that we here are some of the most courageous people there are. Not because we aren't afraid, but rather because we are afraid, and we face our fears and terrors. We have to.

 

I agree.

 

I would never have defined myself as "courageous", and I still look back in amazement at the steps I took to come out.  But in my case it was less about consciously facing fears than feeling so incredibly driven to do it.

[Cbxshawn]

On 10/12/2017 at 1:17 PM, Kenna Dixon said:

 

I agree.

 

I would never have defined myself as "courageous", and I still look back in amazement at the steps I took to come out.  But in my case it was less about consciously facing fears than feeling so incredibly driven to do it.

I agree with you on this. 

For me it became a drive, more for survival then fear. I have realized I feel more alive each time I come out to others. Is that strange? Is this something I should worry about? 

 

Anyway, 

 

Hugs to all 

 

Shawnna 

[Jani]

3 hours ago, Cbxshawn said:

Is this something I should worry about? 

Certainly not.  This is an action that makes you feel better.  It's not hurting others.  The only thing to worry about is going too fast that you hurt yourself either emotionally or physically.  

 

To the other point, I have never considered myself courageous either but people who know me well that I trust have told me I am. Regardless of the reason, taking an action like coming out, that many others would not take due to the (possible) severe consequences is somewhat brave.  Its been a good choice and its working out well for me.  

 

Jani

[Timber Wolf]

Well, unfortunately the "girls night" has been cancelled. My sister's friends sister will be leaving a day earlier than expected or something. Whatever the case may be, I will be visiting my sister for a couple days this week, and who knows, the other two might stop by for a few minutes anyway. They only live a couple doors down. 

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[doni]

23 minutes ago, Timber Wolf said:

Well, unfortunately the "girls night" has been cancelled. My sister's friends sister will be leaving a day earlier than expected or something. Whatever the case may be, I will be visiting my sister for a couple days this week, and who knows, the other two might stop by for a few minutes anyway. They only live a couple doors down. 

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

Good luck..... There is always a next time.   I stand proud of you!

[JodyAnn]

In the beginning so many of my girlfriends would giggle at me and say "welcome to female!" All along the way they nurchered me. I learned and grew. My friends in sisterhood grew exponentually. My first AA sponsor told me, "They say in the program; stick with the winners. Jody, I want you to stick with the women and I want you to get in the middle of the herd!" Best advice I have ever received.

 

We all know truly in our journeys we can turn back with complications, but we can never turn back the hands of time. We move forward out of the need to be our authentic selves.

 

That fear always looms large until we slowly pass through to the other side. Sort of like shooting the rapids in a torrent river, one day we just find ourselves gracefully floating along on our now calm stream.

 

That second puberty, right of passage, ugly duckling phase is so uncomfortable. All must go through it to get to the wonderful you. I am not magically stealth so I still fight my battles, but I can do that as a charming lady and powerful woman.

 

All that come after me, trudge without dispair. You will have your wonderful metamophysis I can state that with most certainty.

[Charlize]

Your time will come.  Enjoy being yourself with your sister.  Every minute i spent as myself chatting with a female has helped me with self confidence and acceptance.  I remember it seems a short time ago when you were coming out to your sisters.  Your definitely on the move and as difficult as the path may seem give yourself a pat on the back for the steps you've taken.  The rest will follow!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Timber Wolf]

Thank you Doni, JodyAnn, and Charlize! Your encouraging words help put into perspective what my heart is telling me. They help me look through and beyond the cluttered thoughts of fear.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[tracy_j]

Sorry to hear of the cancellation. It would have been a good opportunity to pickup your social skills without fear of people outside your circle.

 

I look upon passing aquaintancies to learn by. My social skills are terrible and I even fear and wonder what people are thinking, even when I know them well. It often takes me literally months or even years before I can relax. I am not only talking trans issues here as I have always been like that. My saving grace is that I am a bit of a rebel so usually the trans side does not make it worse, and may even improve things with a longing for female friends. My problem is just knowing how to communicate without embarrasing 'faut pas'.

 

One advantage of being a woman though is that we have the advantage of being shy without appearing inferior. You could use that to advantage. Just go along to any meeting, take it slowly and apologise if you make a boo-boo. You will be fine

 

Tracy

[Timber Wolf]

Well, I had my visit with my sister and stayed in a haunted house. That's right, a real, honest to goodness haunted house. My sister's house is haunted. And the ghost or entity was pretty active. 

Aside from the ghosties, I had a big dose of dysphoria with my facial stubble. It's black and sticks out even after shaving it.? It was hard because my sister would see it.

For now I need to learn how to use some kind on concealer for that. That's something I really need to look into if I ever want to step outside the door.

 

I wish I had a coach. So many things I've had to learn from reading or just figure out on my own. I think make up is something I'd better get some coaching with. I sure don't want to go around with globs and blotches on my face. 

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[VickySGV]

31 minutes ago, Timber Wolf said:

For now I need to learn how to use some kind on concealer for that. That's something I really need to look into if I ever want to step outside the door.

 

Look up Derma Blend products.  The Creme Foundation is good for covering Tattoos and beard stubble.  I have used it since I began my trips out into places I could be seen.  Its a little pricey but lasts a long time.

[Timber Wolf]

Thanks Vicky!