Struggling with myself

[Jani]

Great, September is fast approaching! 
 

[Fernode]

Thank you Jani.

 

So I was at Aids Help Centre yesterday, they're also here for Trans counseling.

I was there and talked to an employee. They also told me I should check out Together Mülheim.

Every Wednesday there're transgender meetings from 12 to 26 years old people (queer, lgbt+).

 

So as I finished it, I went to that location yesterday and talked with other Transgender.

They gave me some tips and it helped me a bit.

 

Just wanted to let you know.

[Jani]

Very good news!  Sometimes being able to speak with others in a face to face manner feels so good.  I'm glad you reached out.

 

Jani

[Fernode]

I was at my therapist yesterday and asked for an indication for HRT but he denied. He told me it is a profoundly decision and he wanted more time to elapse. Well I have feelings like he suppose that I would get a meeting next year instead of next week to an endocrinologists. What do you all say about it?

[Fernode]

Good news!

 

I had my first meeting at an endocrinologist some days ago and they took a blood sample for a probe (Estradiol, Testosterone, etc, -values) and they want to test my Chromosomes. My endocrinologist said that I can start HRT next month. 10th October I get the results from laboratory and on 8th October I have the next meeting with my therapist. I never felt so good.  

[Cyndee]

Nice post, and may it go well next month

 

C -

[Jani]

Wonderful news to read!  ?   Is there a specific reason they wish to check chromosomes? 

 

All my best! 
Jani

[Fernode]

On 9/24/2018 at 2:32 AM, Jani said:

Wonderful news to read!  ?   Is there a specific reason they wish to check chromosomes? 

 

All my best! 
Jani

 

They probably want to see that I am binary. I mean, if they get something like YY, X, Y, XXX etc then they'll continue different to it (I think so, I may be wrong).

[Fernode]

On 9/23/2018 at 3:34 PM, CyndiRae said:

Nice post, and may it go well next month

 

C -

 

Thank you very much CyndiRae.  

[Fernode]

Can anybody help me please?

 

My endocrinologist said we can start HRT but without indication from my therapist I can't start.

My therapist said his gut feeling says it isn't ready yet. So what now?

My next session is in 2 weeks but I don't know what to do... I said everything to him and I am pretty long in therapy. ?

[RithiaAllen]

2 hours ago, Fernode said:

Can anybody help me please?

 

My endocrinologist said we can start HRT but without indication from my therapist I can't start.

My therapist said his gut feeling says it isn't ready yet. So what now?

My next session is in 2 weeks but I don't know what to do... I said everything to him and I am pretty long in therapy. ?

Nothing like being direct ask your therapist what his reservations are.

 

keep in mind once HRT starts things start to become more permanent. Your therapist is being cautious which I think is a good thing. When I was in Virginia I met someone that at first glance seemed normal in terms of the transition process but after a while I learned she was transitioning for some kind of sexual fantasy. I don’t know what happened to her to trigger but She should have been screened more carefully because a few years later she transitioned back to male but lost her equipment to SRS. I think what happened to him (transitioned back, I’m trying to use the pronouns correctly) was a failure of the process.

 

im not suggesting that this is why you’re not getting the green light on hrt. But once you know why you can try to address it.

[Jani]

2 hours ago, RithiaAllen said:

My therapist said his gut feeling says it isn't ready yet.

So ask what is he feeling that is holding him back.    Then be prepared to discuss or even counter his point.  You may end up having to find another therapist if this one is not going to give you a good answer.  You need more than "gut" feelings.

 

Jani

[RithiaAllen]

49 minutes ago, Jani said:

So ask what is he feeling that is holding him back.    Then be prepared to discuss or even counter his point.  You may end up having to find another therapist if this one is not going to give you a good answer.  You need more than "gut" feelings.

 

Jani

Agreed. See what there is to discuss with him and be direct as well as truthful. If he is in any way wishy washy cut the session off, pay what you owe and find another therapist.

[Fernode]

On 10/29/2018 at 12:23 AM, RithiaAllen said:

Nothing like being direct ask your therapist what his reservations are.

 

keep in mind once HRT starts things start to become more permanent. Your therapist is being cautious which I think is a good thing. When I was in Virginia I met someone that at first glance seemed normal in terms of the transition process but after a while I learned she was transitioning for some kind of sexual fantasy. I don’t know what happened to her to trigger but She should have been screened more carefully because a few years later she transitioned back to male but lost her equipment to SRS. I think what happened to him (transitioned back, I’m trying to use the pronouns correctly) was a failure of the process.

 

im not suggesting that this is why you’re not getting the green light on hrt. But once you know why you can try to address it.

 

I don't do it for "sexual" use, that's sure. ?

I know it is irreversible. Okay I go ahead:

• I hate facial hair (it makes me feel horrible)
• It feels like something is missing (Female sexual organs)
• My penis is making me feel dysphoria and it's sperm (absolutely!)
• I like to wear boy clothes and I want to continue (also girls clothes, it depends on what I really like)
• I'm feeling more worst. The more I get body hairs the more I feel worst.
• I hate my face so much, it looks to masculine
• I like the female name I want to be called and not "Mirko" my name.

 

On 10/29/2018 at 3:16 AM, Jani said:

So ask what is he feeling that is holding him back.    Then be prepared to discuss or even counter his point.  You may end up having to find another therapist if this one is not going to give you a good answer.  You need more than "gut" feelings.

 

Jani

 

I can do next week if I have next session with him. I don't really want to find a new therapist, because I know him 2-3 years and I really like to talk with him about stuff.

 

On 10/29/2018 at 4:34 AM, RithiaAllen said:

Agreed. See what there is to discuss with him and be direct as well as truthful. If he is in any way wishy washy cut the session off, pay what you owe and find another therapist.

 

Therapy is for free over here in my country (I have health insurance). And to be honest, I don't really want to replace my current therapist he's sympathetic and nice to me. And I know him long time.

[RithiaAllen]

I understand exactly where you are coming from regarding puberty. It was a very tough time for me.

 

Do you just like some particular item from the male clothes you have. That might be something your therapist is hanging on. I remember when I was full time and my Mom joined a session she said I presented as male during Christmas (a bold faced lie) because she had read up on the standards of care and it was grounds to at best reset the clock. Thankfully my therapist recognized it for what it was and gave my Mom the speech about change being scary but it is not losing your child.

 

In regards to your situation maybe your therapist is sensing hesitation and wants to give you time to think it through. There have been people in the past that have had very eclectic sense of style so I would emphasize that your sense of style doesn’t impact your gender identity if this turns out to be the case.

 

Make sure you ask your therapist though. ? 

[Fernode]

Just now, RithiaAllen said:

I understand exactly where you are coming from regarding puberty. It was a very tough time for me.

  

Do you just like some particular item from the male clothes you have. That might be something your therapist is hanging on. I remember when I was full time and my Mom joined a session she said I presented as male during Christmas (a bold faced lie) because she had read up on the standards of care and it was grounds to at best reset the clock. Thankfully my therapist recognized it for what it was and gave my Mom the speech about change being scary but it is not losing your child.

 

In regards to your situation maybe your therapist is sensing hesitation and wants to give you time to think it through. There have been people in the past that have had very eclectic sense of style so I would emphasize that your sense of style doesn’t impact your gender identity if this turns out to be the case.

 

Make sure you ask your therapist though. ? 

 

I obviously more like male clothes and I don't care what other people saying.

It just make me down that I look like this (male) and not other gender like.

 

I had enough time to think about it, is since age of 14 and I am 19.

 

 

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Fernode said:

 

I obviously more like male clothes and I don't care what other people saying.

It just make me down that I look like this (male) and not other gender like.

 

I had enough time to think about it, is since age of 14 and I am 19.

 

 

Ok I think I understand. You like men’s cloths but not presenting as a man and it depresses you because you see a man?

 

Some people may see this as clinging on to the male role. Be sure to be clear. Don’t get upset, address the issue and focus on the problem at hand, your dysphoria.

[Fernode]

Finally! 7th December: indication by therapist. 17th December: prescription for hormones by hormone doctor.

I think the 17th of December would be my first day on hormones.

 

On 10/30/2018 at 6:51 PM, RithiaAllen said:

Ok I think I understand. You like men’s cloths but not presenting as a man and it depresses you because you see a man?

 

Some people may see this as clinging on to the male role. Be sure to be clear. Don’t get upset, address the issue and focus on the problem at hand, your dysphoria.

 

Absolutely. I am not likely to dress like a woman all time. I wear both, male and female clothes especially Pink/Rosa colours are pretty nice.