Sorry everyone... i'm still kinda stuck

[TiaMaria]

Hi everyone!!

It’s been a little while since my last post and I wanted to ask some more questions. I also wanna say thanks to everyone who responded to my last post as well. Your advice was definitely helpful. Now, before I begin, I want to apologize if there’s anything in my post that seems kind of idiotic or offensive for anyone or if it is kind of randomly stated.

Ok… So lately I have been feeling like transition would be a bad idea. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I think I’m romanticizing the entire process of transition. See, I have been reading a lot of TG comics lately and I love the idea of working slowly shifting from the male mindset to the female mindset. I kind of want something like that to happen to me. I know currently I don’t feel like a girl or can even identify as a girl, but I would like to… if that makes sense. But when I think about it like this, I also feel like it’s not how transition really goes and that it invalidates the reality of transition. So that just fills me with more doubt and questions.

Another thing is that I did some more research on HRT and saw that it pretty much nukes your sex drive from orbit. The thing about this is… I still really like having a sex drive. I feel like once I start on hormones and the sensuality of transition goes away, I won’t be as… enthusiastic… about transition as I do right now, and that fills me up with a lot of doubt right now.

Another thing is that, currently I am considered to be good looking from a bunch of the people I know. I like this because it makes it easier to find someone to be in a relationship with. I would definitely love to be in a relationship as a girl. But I don’t want to be an unattractive girl, and that gives me doubts as well. Like… that one question everyone asks where “If you could choose between being an attractive man or an unattractive woman, who would you pick?” When I ask myself this question, I usually choose to be an attractive man than an unattractive woman. It just seems easier for finding someone to be in a relationship with, and this too fills me with doubt.

So… These have been my thoughts lately. Does anyone have any advice on how to get over these? I really do want to be a girl, but I don’t even really know what that’s like yet. I haven’t lived or presented as one (in public), so I don’t know what to expect. It just seems better/easier to stick with the known hell of manhood that the unknown heavens/hell of transition. Anyways… I would seriously appreciate any advice anyone has. Thank you!!!

[TessaOKC]

9 hours ago, TiaMaria said:

I know currently I don’t feel like a girl or can even identify as a girl, but I would like to… if that makes sense.

 

Hi Tia,

 

I will speak only for myself. Being transgender has everything to do with being a girl from the inside out. With all of my doubts along the way,  the one common denominator has been that I knew I was a female from the second I recognized I was transgender. I never once said that I would like to identify as a girl. That was never in question. I am a female in a mans body.  I realize there is wiggle room for everyone but I just never questioned what I was. 

 

When HRT was offered to me I absolutely  jumped at the chance! There is nothing that was going to stop me. I have everything to lose as well. Great job, wife and kids and so on. I wonder all the time if I get divorced (which I desperately don't want) will I ever find a mate again. I made the realization early on that "I am what I am"  and if I ever have to find love again I want them to love me for who and what I am and not what they think I am .

 

You may not want HRT because it will ruin your sex life. Totally get it. Again, that goes with the territory of transition. I have in fact lost my sex drive as my old male self but now have the sex drive of a female. Personally my sex life is one-thousand times more satisfying than it ever was as a male. All of my trans friends have voiced concerns over sex drive. Not one of them turned down HRT because of it.

 

You say other say you're good looking and it will help you find a mate. IF you are trans are they seeing the real you? Nope, they're not.

 

There is a vast spectrum of being transgender. I really think you need to go to counseling and discover if you really are. Just the mere fact you are questioning whether you are trans or not is a good indication you might be but I'm not convinced you are. I sure don't mean to be offensive, just offering my blunt truth.

 

I wish you the best of luck Tia and please remember that questioning the transition process along the way is most definitely part of the process itself.

 

Tess

[Charlize]

TiaMaria we all have our own paths to find and travel.  No-one can tell you what direction you should take.  All we can do is share our experience or baring that offer a sympathetic ear.  The latter is a good reason to go to a gender therapist.  They have experience helping you to answer your own questions.  Being honest about your concerns as you are here is important to move forward.  

HRT did lessen my sex drive and in fact i find that desirable.  I'm an older person and the peace of simply living without those distractions is less difficult than it might have been as a young person. 

Please remember that being trans* does not require surgery or drug therapy.  Those are actually quite new for trans* folks.  For most of history people have simply lived their lives as themselves either living full-time as themselves or expressing themselves in other ways.  Please don't fall into the trap that there is a hierarchy in the trans* world.

Glad you have shared here.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

 

[TessaOKC]

Just now, Charlize said:

TiaMaria we all have our own paths to find and travel.  No-one can tell you what direction you should take.  All we can do is share our experience or baring that offer a sympathetic ear.  The latter is a good reason to go to a gender therapist.  They have experience helping you to answer your own questions.  Being honest about your concerns as you are here is important to move forward.  

HRT did lessen my sex drive and in fact i find that desirable.  I'm an older person and the peace of simply living without those distractions is less difficult than it might have been as a young person. 

Please remember that being trans* does not require surgery or drug therapy.  Those are actually quite new for trans* folks.  For most of history people have simply lived their lives as themselves either living full-time as themselves or expressing themselves in other ways.  Please don't fall into the trap that there is a hierarchy in the trans* world.

Glad you have shared here.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

 

 

Well said Charlize !!!

 

Tess

[Leo S.]

As a guy who was once thought to be a really hot chick, I get it. I had the same fears. But honestly...? It's not nearly as bad as we make it in our heads half the time. Also, it may be weird to say... But, I kind of like not being as hot? I find it tends to attract more suitors who aren't just in it for superficial reasons.

 

As for not thinking like a girl or currently IDing as one, while ultimately you decide your own identity, once upon a time I didn't think I was masculine enough to actually be a guy... Perspectives shift and things can change. Just make sure you're measuring yourself by YOUR standards, because contrary to popular belief everyone has their own take on what it means to be male, female or any other gender.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi TiaMaria,

There is no race to find a label to put on ourselves. Instead of spinning our wheels to figure it out fast, sometimes we're better off backing off the gas a little and taking our time. A slow drive on a country road can be a lot less stressful than a fast drive on the freeway. The same can be true for searching for our path in transition.

 

Being transgender doesn't automatically mean we have to do HRT. There are some of us who will never do HRT. It's not for everybody, and you may decide it's not for you. It's not a requirement for being transgender. Neither is SRS or any other specific measure. We decide what's right for us individually. We don't have to do what someone else is doing.

 

Something a GT said was that we don't know what we will look like after hormones. It's certainly not a given that we will be ugly. We can't know that we will be.

 

These are queations that a gender therapist can be helpful with. Take your time. There's really no rush. Enjoy your journey where ever it takes you.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Cbxshawn]

When I started on HRT my sex drive was totally gone, no labito at all. After 8 months my sex drive came back and I enjoy sex much more than I did before. When I want to have sex I still can. The best is sex isn't on my mind all the time anymore. 

 

Hugs 

Shawnna 

[tracy_j]

You know, one of the sayings which come to mind to me is: The difference between being a man or a woman is that they inherit different sets of problems. Perhaps that is the pessimistic approach, but all I am really saying in that is that people are people and they live as per their understanding of life. We are all probably a bit afraid of the unknown, but for most of us, all that means is a different set of interesting experiences to those we first envisaged.

 

It is highly likely that a change in hormone balance will change anyones perception of life. That so their changed perception will likely also mean a reduction in importance of previous perceptions? Perhaps a bit philosophical, but would there be too much worry about previous life?

 

I just raise this as an example I can give is my dysphoria. I used to have massive social dysphoria and often really nauseous in male environments. I knew I was not male so must be female? On avoiding those environments and generally behaving as a woman I now have few issues. Do I feel like a woman though? I feel like me; I live pretty much as a woman. To me a lot of it is state of mind. How far will I ultimately go? - Who knows! I am happy though, and far more relaxed in  life.

 

A gender therapist is a good idea. They will help you get your thoughts in order. When you do you can plan for the future.

 

Tracy

[MarcieMarie12]

Being female to me is just a minor thing. Women are not monolithic in how we think, guys aren't either. But as others have stated, figuring out if you are transgender is very much one of those things done on an individual basis. Only you know how you feel about this and no one can tell you differently.

 

Taking things in step helped me greatly and I would suggest possibly try to get out as female maybe once or twice and for extended periods of time (like a weekend). I belong to a meet up group that meets in northern Virginia every 2 or 3 months, it consists of cross dressers, bigender persons, and transwomen, they are always willing to help out those just starting or trying to figure things out. Basically dinner, drinks, conversation and karaoke. It is held in public, but is a very safe space (the hotel we usually host it at is great). You can even get a room there if you want to spend the night.

 

BTW-HRT did change my sex drive. I am definitely more focused on who it is than just how good looking they are. I actually like that I have some choice in the matter of who can arouse me though!!  

[TiaMaria]

16 hours ago, TessaOKC said:

 

Hi Tia,

 

I will speak only for myself. Being transgender has everything to do with being a girl from the inside out. With all of my doubts along the way,  the one common denominator has been that I knew I was a female from the second I recognized I was transgender. I never once said that I would like to identify as a girl. That was never in question. I am a female in a mans body.  I realize there is wiggle room for everyone but I just never questioned what I was. 

 

When HRT was offered to me I absolutely  jumped at the chance! There is nothing that was going to stop me. I have everything to lose as well. Great job, wife and kids and so on. I wonder all the time if I get divorced (which I desperately don't want) will I ever find a mate again. I made the realization early on that "I am what I am"  and if I ever have to find love again I want them to love me for who and what I am and not what they think I am .

 

You may not want HRT because it will ruin your sex life. Totally get it. Again, that goes with the territory of transition. I have in fact lost my sex drive as my old male self but now have the sex drive of a female. Personally my sex life is one-thousand times more satisfying than it ever was as a male. All of my trans friends have voiced concerns over sex drive. Not one of them turned down HRT because of it.

 

You say other say you're good looking and it will help you find a mate. IF you are trans are they seeing the real you? Nope, they're not.

 

There is a vast spectrum of being transgender. I really think you need to go to counseling and discover if you really are. Just the mere fact you are questioning whether you are trans or not is a good indication you might be but I'm not convinced you are. I sure don't mean to be offensive, just offering my blunt truth.

 

I wish you the best of luck Tia and please remember that questioning the transition process along the way is most definitely part of the process itself.

 

Tess

Thanks for the reply Tess   I understand what you are saying and I have brought this up with my therapist before. After telling her everything, she is pretty convinced I am. However, the main problem is that I am still kind of...  in denial... about the whole thing. I keep waiting for that light bulb in my head to go off and tell me "Yes you are Trans*" and I know I can't get that from anyone else but myself. That's the main thing that keeps bugging me. 

[TiaMaria]

Thanks everyone for all the great advice! I'll keep it in mind and continue to touch base with you  

[TessaOKC]

9 hours ago, TiaMaria said:

Thanks for the reply Tess   I understand what you are saying and I have brought this up with my therapist before. After telling her everything, she is pretty convinced I am. However, the main problem is that I am still kind of...  in denial... about the whole thing. I keep waiting for that light bulb in my head to go off and tell me "Yes you are Trans*" and I know I can't get that from anyone else but myself. That's the main thing that keeps bugging me. 

 

Hi Again Tia,

 

Been thinking about you a lot since I read your post and was glad to see your response. I wish you the best of luck and I just know the answer will come to you clear as a bell and sooner than you think. All of my very best thoughts to you !!!

 

Tess