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Hi, I'm Brandi.


BrandiBri

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After reading many comments I feel as if I already know most of you. That said, I realized that I was "different" when I was 11 years old. I was very naive and thought that I was the only boy in the world that liked to wear dresses, so of course I couldn't tell anyone. I remember reading about transvestites and thought that that was what I was, but I also remember wishing that I could wake up as a girl. I thought that I was pretending to be a girl when dressing up, so when I got married I thought that I was "fixed". However, I could never shake the feeling that I wanted to be and dress as a girl.

I was married for 46 years to a wonderful woman who, although she wouldn't allow me to express myself, was my only true love and a wonderful mother to our 4 children. She passed away in Dec. 2016.

I came out to one of my cousins in late June or early July, and that was one of the happiest day of my life. My first appointment for therapy was June 22 and I started HRT on Sept 19.

The years of hiding were hard, but now, with new feelings and emotions it is even harder. I hope to gain insight that will help me on my journey, as well as helping others on their own journey.

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  • Root Admin

Hello Brandi,

 

Welcome to TransPulse. :)  Thank you for sharing your story with us. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. :)

 

MaryEllen

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Thank you. I will certainly ask questions as they come up. After living to please others all my life, I finally decided to live for myself.

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  • Admin

Welcome, Brandi, and thanks for introducing yourself so well!  Your last comment speaks to me - saying you've finally decided to live for yourself after a lifetime of living for others.  As much as I regret that you had to hide away for so long, I do admire your strength and perseverance in holding on until you felt safe to be free.

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I have to admit, it took me quite a while to even sign up for this site, but I'm glad I did. I just decided that I have to be true to myself. Ilook forward to many meaningful conversations:)

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Brandi.  Being here has certainly helped me.  Simply knowing there are others who understand the triumph and difficulties of this life gives me comfort.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Brandi!! Im glad you are here with us.  I am sorry to hear of your wife's passing.  As you note that you've read many of our posts you probably do know many of us well enough.  I hope you do join in the conversation as you have a wealth of life experience (like a certain group of us!)  Going through a second puberty is hard enough but at our age it can be especially hard.  Take life a day at a time, just as you always have.  I look forward to seeing you around the site.

 

Cheers, 

Jani

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Brandi,

Welcome to TransPulse. Pull up a chair and join in the conversation!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

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Thanks to all for the welome. I agree with you Charlize, puberty is hard, but just knowing that it will get better and being able to see results makes it all worthwhile. So far, all my experiences telling my kids and going out have been positive. I really enjoy that I can be the person I have wanted to be since I was 11 years old.

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Brandi!

I feel exactly like you do, and eleven was my age of discovery as well! I still wish I would wake up as a girl, my wife would have to accept me if it just “happened”-

Sorry to hear about your loss, I feel deeply for you.

big squishy hug for you...

Jae

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 2/12/2018 at 7:20 PM, Dev said:

Welcome, Brandi, and thanks for introducing yourself so well!  Your last comment speaks to me - saying you've finally decided to live for yourself after a lifetime of living for others.  As much as I regret that you had to hide away for so long, I do admire your strength and perseverance in holding on until you felt safe to be free.

For those of us that have hidden for a long time it is such a relief to let the genie out of the bottle! There are highs and lows for sure but no one said this was going to be easy! Much love and support to you girls!

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Thank you for the kind words. Yes the road can be and is bumpy, but you have the advantage of a supporting wife and hopefully that will help smooth the road for you. Good luck on this new chapter of your journey!

 

lots of love,

Brandi

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    • RaineOnYourParade
      When I first started figuring things out, I got a lot more euphoria. Every time a friend would use he/they pronouns for me, I'd get this bubbly feeling, and seeing myself look masculine made me really happy. Dysphoric state felt more normal, so I guess I noticed the pain it caused me less.   Now, it's more just that my pronouns and such things feel natural, and dysphoria is a lot stronger -- I know what's natural, so experiencing the opposite is more jarring than everything. The problem is, most of my natural experiences are from friends, and I rarely get properly gendered by strangers, much less by my family. I've found myself unable to bind in months due to aches, colds,, and not wanting to risk damage.    It partially makes me want to go back to the beginning of my journey, because at least then I got full euphoria. I'm pretty sure it'll be like this until I medically transition, or at the very least get top surgery (you know all those trans dudes online with tiny chests? Not me, unfortunately). It's a bit depressing, but at least I know that, eventually, there's a way out of this.
    • RaineOnYourParade
      Major mood, right here ^^^    I've listened to Lumineers to a long time (a major portion of it by osmosis via my mom), so that is almost painfully relatable
    • RaineOnYourParade
      As for getting a button-up/formal pants suit, you can try to talk to her more -- Cis women in tuxes have worn tuxes in recent years, after all, (for example, Zendaya) so it can still be a relatively safe topic. For jumpsuits, I'd recommend going with a simple one with a blazer, if you can -- this'll make it look overall more masculine. There's a lot of good brands, but going for one without a lot of extra glitz on it will make it look less feminine under a blazer. I don't know many specific brands though since I usually just get my stuff from chain stores, sorry :<   When it comes to your hair, if you can't cut it, you can look up tutorials on fluffing it up instead. If you can pull it off, it can look a lot shorter and more androgynous instead!
    • RaineOnYourParade
      As far as I'm aware, he wasn't -- he just sometimes wore skirts, which was why it was a question in the first place.   In my opinion, part of that is because of the way press spares attention on issues like that. As a bit of a true crime nut and what I see: Child predator cases' (and cases of a sexual nature in general) press focus on those with an AMAB perpetrator generally, and very rarely are AFAB perpetrators given much press time or even getting tried due to a whole bunch of issues I'm not gonna get into. Because of this, when you see these types of cases and a boy is the victim, it's almost always a queer person who is the one who committed a crime that gets press. Therefore, with the amount of cases seen with this type of perpetrator (and due to the fact "99% of queer people are not sexual criminals" doesn't attract eyes), the human brain can kind of naturally makes an association with it. It's not right, but it's also a fault I think falls partially on the media.   That's all my opinion, though!   This is extra confusing to me, as a feminine man is usually viewed as gay. If someone is refusing the acknowledge the existence of trans people, then gay would be the societal connection that comes after, I think. So, that sorta implies that trans women wouldn't be interested in women in the first place by those assumptions? Of course, trans lesbians exist (most trans women I know like women, actually), but it's a little ridiculous to me that people will deny trans people's existence, call all feminine AMAB people gay, and say that trans people are looking to peep all in the same breath.   Wow, this was a lot longer of a response than I was planning to write--
    • Abigail Genevieve
      For one thing, the practice of putting into office wholly unqualified people simply because of racial, sexual or national characteristics.  It is no accident that Karine is a Haitian immigrant, Black and lesbian.  Kamala Harris is a Black female. Pete Buttigieg is gay.  Often you find that Biden explicitly stated that this is why he hired them, not because of competence, but because they checked so many boxes on his little list.  It makes a mockery of people and is a disservice to the US. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I am not sure why people are in favor of unaccountable agencies with bloated budgets and wasteful spending. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      What about it?
    • SydneyAngel
      Hey girl  I had a problem like you happen to me also. In my first year of estrogen I had a period where my level were good then they got really bad where my testosterone spike high.  I felt like you with all that disforia coming hard. Our bodies need time to adjust. The process is a real pain in the beginning. It levels out eventually and you don't even think about it. Hang in there hugs 
    • Ivy
      Biden's woke agenda?
    • KatieSC
      I wonder if there will be law enforcement procedural shows coming this fall. I can imagine Law and Order: Genital Crimes Unit, or perhaps, FBI: Domestic Genitalia. Then again, maybe they will dedicate a CSI program about the dedicated members of the Oklahoma State Police Genital Screening Unit. Good to know that those Oklahomans have their priorities squared away.
    • KatieSC
      Protections? Well, when they mandate that some who is transgender can get facial and genital electrolysis paid as it is essential to affirming care, or when they mandate and pay for facial feminization surgery, speech therapy/voice affirmation surgery, I will believe that the order is effective. One of biggest hurdles for many transgender individuals is the cost of care. I remember when my one insurance company tried to say that my speech therapy and voice surgery were "cosmetic". I remember when they blocked paying for my facial surgery. I remember the fight I had to get electrolysis. These procedures could save someone's life if the procedures help the individual successfully transition, and are no longer misgendered. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I don't think it should be.  Nor do I see Project 2025 as pushing Christian nationalism.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The agencies are supposed to work for him.  The problem, as conservatives found out in Trump 1, was they will ignore the president and do their own thing.  The agencies are supposed to be under his control.   Congress delegated some of its law making authority to the agencies, which is another problem.   The bloated federal government needs to be trimmed.  Dept Education is worthless - test scores have dropped since it was instituted in the Carter administration consistently, and it is currently implementing Biden's woke agenda more than doing anything else.
    • FinnyFinsterHH
      I hope to eventually wear a suit for dance but don't know what exactly to look for. I feel like jumpsuit is safe option but I have been interested in wearing button up and formal pants. Is there a certain brand i should look for or sites I should look at for tips? My mom is not exactly keen on me wearing too masc clothing like suits just yet but is okay with jumpsuits. Also is there hair styling tips availible, my hair looks like image below. I might be able to get shorter haircut like pixie but am not sure yet.  
    • MaeBe
      It’s never been about him, but he is the Presidential nominee for the Presidency that starts in…2025. I don’t see a lot of conflation that this is a “Trump doctrine”, it a doctrine that benefits him surely, but it is a plan to instill crony governance and enact very Christian conservative (if not purely Christian nationalist) “order” on the country. If you don’t see this as the Right doubling down on Big G government, I don’t know what to tell them. Getting rid of agencies and giving the authority directly to the Executive isn’t shrinking government. It’s consolidation power. 
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