30 y/o possible trans women looking for support

[Naomi1501]

Hi guys. 

 

Like I said in the title, I’m 30 and possibly a trans women. But honestly the thought has only just occurred to me recently and so I’m looking for support to help work it out. 

 

I guess the main reason it’s taken me so long to realise is because I don’t have the usual story. I don’t remember thinking I was female as a child, and  I’ve never felt I was in the wrong body. But I’ve realised lately that a lot of what I have felt could be attributed to being trans. 

 

The first big sign for me was about a year and a half ago when I had to have an ultra sound done on my abdomen. My wife told me that a certain percentage of males found out they had wombs when they had this procedure done. I found myself inexplicably hoping this would be the case for me, and I had a profound sense of disappoinment when they didn’t discover I had a womb. 

 

I dwelt on this for for a while but then pushed it out of my mind as best I could. But recently, after getting to know more trans women, I think this might be a sign. 

 

Like I said I didn’t have the ‘usual’ story growing up. But my life can pretty much be described as me trying hard not to be feminine. 

 

I grew up in very conservative small towns in Australia to a very conservative family. If gay or lesbian people were ever mentioned it was because they were ruining society somehow. And I don’t think I ever heard of trans people until I had left home. 

 

Like I said I never felt female (but then I never felt male either), though I naturally liked doing a lot of ‘girly’ activities. My parents at least didn’t care what toys we played with, and as a young child I very much enjoyed dolls and dressing up as women. I also liked pretending to be the mother in make believe familiy situations. As I got older and realised that in the towns I was in this was a ‘sissy’ thing to do, I forced myself out of it to focus on more ‘manly’ play activities. My brothers used to tease me and call me ‘Naomi’ (the name my parents picked for me if I was born female), and so my childhood was spent trying to prove I was not Naomi but Peter. 

 

My life after that that went along the same way. I’ve always had a lot of feminine body language tells. Most people when I was younger thought I was gay. I knew I was different, so thought for a long time that I might be gay. But I absolute hate male anatomy. Like I think it’s gross. So although I had tells very similar to my gay friends, and preferred hanging out with girls and gay guys them straight guys, I realised I wasn’t gay. I assumed I hated male anatomy because I was straight. I’ve worked hard during my life to stop these tells. 

 

I don’t remover being disturbed in the ‘normal’ sense by puberty. But then I went through puberty late (15ish when I was already in grade 11 and I was the only one pretty much who hadn’t). By that time I was terrified that I wouldn’t come out ‘normal’.  I’m wondering now if I was scared of coming out female, but subcontiously hoping for it. 

 

My life since has has been spent being careful not to go to far in a feminine direction. I’ve always felt better about myself with long hair, and that’s alright because men have long hair. But I’ve often thought of doing it up nice, and never have because that’s too feminine. I used to be super judgmental about womens fashion, but I’ve never cared at all about men’s fashion. I thought I was just being misogynist, so I made myself stop noticing. Now I’m thinking maybe I just had an eye for what I’d like to wear. I’ve always been creative. But I’ve only expressed it in ways that are more ok for men to do in society (music, woodwork etc), and avoided things like crochet even though I think I’d really like it. I think subconsciously I was always scared of what this might awake in me, even though for a long time I’ve accepted myself as not being a ‘typical’ male.

 

I’ve always had a beard since I could grow one. I tell people I’m lazy to shave it. But honestly I hate shaving with a passion and never knew why. I also have hated looking in a mirror since I was at uni, and I’ve pretty much trained myself never to look in one. I never felt unattractive, but I never knew why I just didn’t seem to look right. Now I’m wondering if this was all because subconsciously I knew I was female. That I hated shaving because it felt wrong, and hated looking in the mirror because my beard looked wrong. 

 

It’s really only recently I’ve come to understand that I could be a very feminine female and still be lesbian. One of the reasons I’ve always dismissed being transgender in the past was because I assumed transgender women were all straight. But now I’m starting to think this is what I’ve been missing. 

 

However, I’m 30. I have a career and I’m married to the love of my life who’s straight, and I reallly don’t even know where to start, or even work out if this is who I am or not. I’m scared of loosing my relationship. I’m scared of loosing friends. I’m scared of loosing my job. And in a way I’m both scared of finding out I’m trans, but also scared I might find out I’m not trans. 

 

I’d love to hear from anyone who transitioned later in life, or if you’ve shared any similar experiences. 

 

Thanks!

 

(possibly Naomi)

[Jennylynn]

I'm 40 and just in the beginning stages and the best advice I can give you hun is to start talking to a counselor first. There may be more to the story. I was very fortunate to have a wife who pegged it before I said a word but not usually the case. 

 

Best of luck!

Jenny

[BrandiBri]

I agree with Jenny, find a therapist that deals with gender issues. He or she can help you sort out your feelings. I will turn 70 in just a couple weeks and have been out full time since November, and the hardest part was the fear of how my children would react. My fears were unfounded because they all accepted me. My wife passed away in 2016, she knew about my cross dressing, but was not supporting at all. Bottom line, talk to a therapist, and go from there. Take your time to figure things out. Best of luck.

 

Brandi

[jae bear]

2 hours ago, Jennylynn said:

 I was very fortunate to have a wife who pegged it before I said a word but not usually the case. 

I half wish my wife had pegged me early on... Looking back now I am really surprised she didn’t see anything unusual, I have a hard time hiding my girly side, always have, but she says she never suspected anything... love is blind I guess! I’m quite lucky it is!

squishy hugs,

Jae

[Guest Rachel Gia]

From what I read I think the coucellor is the way to go. My experiance is quite different so it would be hard to comment on yours. 

There are other forms that gender presents beside being Trans , for instance non binary , which when I look at the AA meeting I go to where we say our prefered pronouns, seems to be larger demographic. 

Sometimes being truthful to others (safe) about how you feel inside is enough to take away the pressure you feel inside. Spousal issues usually arise from keeping secrets in all marriages , not just when Trans individuals are involved. However being truthful without compassion can be quite damaging as well.

You love your partner so making love the Center of your solution is a good place to start.

Rachel

[Jennylynn]

We'll put Rachel!

[jae bear]

I have to second Rachel as well, I just started therapy and it is the single best thing I have ever done for myself! I could easily have written your story for myself minus the name Naomi and the location Australia... I’m also lesbian and find male anatomy gross, my beard is just a way to hide and I only shave once a week. I think laser and electrolysis hair removal will be in my near future, and I am jealous of your already longish hair. I am 17 years further down the road on my discovery process, another thing that I am jealous of, but any age of discovery is a beautiful thing, women come it all shapes, sizes and ages... I was unaware of the womb thing, now I want one too! I very recently came out to my wife, I was and still am fearfull that she will leave me, but she assured me she is in it for the long haul, and we both discussed a therapist for her as well, something you may also want to think about if you desire to come out to her and reveale the real you...

Love and hugs,

Jae

[jo jo]

im 45 and on my pathway its not easy but there are people out there for you this forum site is excellent and very supportive there is no right or wrong no male or female its how you feel inside that counts

[Kirsten]

Hello Naomi,

I wouldn’t think too much about how you got to this point. Whether it’s similar or not to others here. Nor would I worry about “what you are” That’s the first thing I learned here. All you are is you. You get to choose what you look like, eat, wear, act, etc.... so that’s what we do. Everyone. Straight, gay, transgender, everyone. 

Therapy is awesome. It can be hard to find a good therapist but it’s a necessity I think. Mine helps me straighten out my already messy brain and make clear sense of how I feel. It’s really an interesting process. So I would recommend finding a therapist. 

And coming clean to your spouse is important too. They need to know. Otherwise eventually you’ll be lying and making up excuses to cover for things. And then whether your partner is ok or not with the trans thing it won’t matter because you’ve been lying for however long. This process is hard and messy. Don’t make it worse. People can really surprise you. I’ve been surprised over and over already. 

Welcome to the forums too

❤️Kirsten❤️