my dad has come 'out'

[ashleysamways]

hi there, my dad has just come 'out' as a transgender. Im 44 is and hes kept it quiet all his life...till the death of my mum last year

any tips

[ashleysamways]

i should add im hurt,confused and very unsure how i should proceed...i still love him,but ive lost my mum and my dad in the space of two years

 

[Jani]

Hello ashley (I hope that's right).  Welcome to the forums.  I'm saddened to hear of your mums passing.  Your dad is grieving too and this is probably one way he is coping, by trying to be honest with himself.  If you've read much you understand people don't just "become" transgender.  This is something he, and possibly your mum have dealt with for some time.  I know you're hurting and confused but you say you love him.  Tell him.  It will make both of you feel better.  My son was 35 when I told him.  I know he didn't fully understand but he loves me and that's what is important.  I don't know how your relationship is with your dad.  I've become a better, more understanding person to my son.  Please ask any questions you may have and we'll do our best to answer.

 

Jani

[ashleysamways]

my dad is 72 and he says he has been this way since he was a boy

mu mum 'suffered' it

 

[Cyndee]

Now you know the truth of things Ashley, the hurt will pass, try and keep an open mind, try and realize much of this was kept from you for a reason. Many trans live within the boundaries of the expectations of sex assigned at birth, long knowing they were different. It's a painful existence. It can take a dramatic life event, to reach a point of having to lie no more to yourself and those you love. To finally reach a point where the naked truth of things matters more than the convenience of others. It becomes an act of self preservation in many ways.

 

Cyndi -

[ashleysamways]

it feels like my dad was l

living a lie

 

[Jani]

He wasn't living a lie.  He was doing the best he knew how.  I'm in my mid 60's and I've known forever too, but when I was younger there wasn't the terminology there is today, or much knowledge.  We try to live the way society expects of us but it doesn't often work out as you can see.  There is so much truth in Cyndi's line about self-preservation.  There is no doubt your dad considered how you would respond to his news but he is doing this from himself to make himself whole. No more lies, and to try to live the truth from here on.  

 

Jani

[Charlize]

Welcome.  As Jani stated your father as well as your mother most likely have dealt with this for years.  My wife of 46 years has accepted my transition but it wasn't until my 60's that i found the courage to be myself.  My wife would certainly have preferred that i simply stayed in the closet.  Fortunately years have passed and our love has grown.  Society has forced many of us to hide in shame.  I know honesty was beyond me for years and in part it was because i didn't want to hurt my wife.  My son has also learned to accept me.  Our beautiful grandchildren call me Grandi.  He still calls me dad except when we're out.

It will take time for both of you to get past this but as for myself i know i have no regrets.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[BrandiBri]

I agree with everyone here. We spend most of our lives wanting to please the people in our lives. It more that likely that it was hard for him to come out to you and I'm sure it was scary for him. It takes courage to make that decision and I hope that you can support his decision. He really needs you now. 

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Rachael]

Sorry to hear of the loss of your mum. As others have stated your dad is doing the best he can. I lost my wife two years ago, after that my world began to crumble around me and when I let god take over things got better.  We all do the best we can. I told my dad when I came out,” I have done what society expected of me, I have done what others wanted, and the best I could. Now I am going to do for myself.” As we discussed at group I (we)did not know we had a choice in this. 

As for telling others that you are transgender, it is one of the most difficult things I have done. Some will support you and others will no longer speak to you. 

If you are able to discuss transgender issues with your dad, then talk about things that do not make you uncomfortable. But do not stop speaking to each other it’s a learning process for both of you.

i was 58 when I started to transition. 

Goold luck to you and your dad. 

[bobbisue]

Ii am sorry to hear about your mum While you fear loosing your Dad imagine how she feels I started coming out to my children at 55 and my biggest fear was loosing one of them It was really terrifying I was lucky and they were all supportive your love and caring will be very important to her remember you are now able to have an even closer and more honest relationship now

 

     bobbisue

[jae bear]

I really can understand this as I’ve been on both sides, in the dad shoes and the son shoes, and to be honest it’s really difficult to make heads or tails of it all in the details of where you land. As a father I really want to tell my kids, but I know it will just be an enormous burden to them and my wife would not want that as it would be really difficult to explain, especially at church. From the son perspective I remember catching my dad several times in my mom’s clothes and kind of knew something was up, and when I was 19 he came out to me and told me everything, it really blew my socks off and I remember being mad, but I think I was just mad because I was certainly just like him in this regard but had no courage of my own to tell him or anyone else until 28 years later when I could no longer hold all of this inside. I can say with certainty your father simply told you because he loves you more than anything, even if it’s risky, he doesn’t care about his reputation but he cares about his son, he’s telling you because he wants your love and acceptance above all. I know this doesn’t sound like a courageous thing to do but it really is quite courageous, I myself am a humongous coward and don’t have the guts to do what your dad did, I can only imagine a man with steel nerves and the fortitude of iron could tell his son that he is really a woman. I don’t know that you’re losing your dad, in fact I know you’re not, but you are getting something a little different externally and I do believe you’ll get more love and affection in return, something you might have relied on your mother to provide, now you might find both those things in your dad, or depending on what he would prefer as a pronoun, mom.

hugs,

Jay

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Your dad is still your dad and you can get stuck on the ``lie``  part of the equation and deny yourself the freedom of forgiveness or learn to embrace the fact that you truly know this person now!

[Timber Wolf]

Hi,

It's perfectly natural to feel hurt and confused. It is very common for someone who's had a close loved one come out as transgender to feel the things you do. Being transgender doesn't only affect the trans person, it affects those who love them as well. There is often a grieving proccess. We often see our parents as kind of rock foundations in our lives, and this can feel like it rocks that foundation. But your dad is still the same person they were before you knew. They're just showing you a part of themselves you haven't been shown before.

 

Your feelings are very natural and do not make you a bad person. Tell them you love them. Be honest and open with them. Try to be as open minded and understanding as you can be today and each day to come. Take it one day at a time. Try to learn about transgender. Knowledge can clear up a lot of confusion and help bring greater acceptance.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

 

PS: I'm using the pronouns THEY/THEM for your dad. It's kind of gender neutral.

[Guest]

What tipped the scales for me as a parent was the thought that my children would find out later and think I hadn't loved or trusted them enough to be completely honest about who I was.  Years earlier, I had come to the same crossroads regarding my wife. 

 

It's the question many of us have to face.  Do we keep a secret from the ones we love most or, by revealing it, take a chance on losing them?

 

You haven't "lost" your father.  All that's gone is the mask he wore so long for your benefit.