Ideas on Coming Out to Kids

[Swan13]

Quick update as it's been about a year. I have been hormones for the past year and feeling far more at home in my own skin. I venture out dressed as myself as often as possible and this mostly goes well. I did have a negative experience a month ago that devastated my already low confidence. I am out to my supervisor and the director as well as a few coworkers. Everyone has been incredibly supportive there. In fact one of my co-workers has become a very dear friend. My partner continues to struggle some but we are in a decent place right now. We are in some ways separated, no real intimacy and less time together. Still in the same home and bed. I am also out to my immediate family now and everyone has been supportive.  So much more to say but I will leave it there for now.

 

My question is that we are going to need to inform the children within the next few months and I am curious what thoughts and experiences others have had.  My girls are 8 and my son 10.

 

As always Thanks!

[Jani]

Hello Swan.  Congratulations on your progress to date.  Hopefully your partner will come around to be more happy with you.  Be patient.  I don't have experience with children of that age but my younger grandkids are doing fine with me.  There's probably other older posts that you might check out.  I would expect that your kids may know more that you expect so don't be surprised.  Also the number one thing I hear is to let them know you still love them and will always be there for them.  

 

Jani

[VickySGV]

Children as a whole take it very well as long as you are open and ready to meet the few concerns that they have with open arms and hugs.  There is a video series called No Dumb Questions that involves a coming out to three children by an uncle>aunt relative that is very good.  I use an analogy to a person being like a jigsaw puzzle in a box when they are born.  Most people end up looking like the puzzle seen on the box lid (their birth sex/ gender) but others have some different pieces inside that do not make quite the picture others see, but is really the true picture of the person.  I actually bought two easy puzzles for the GK's and switched the pieces in the boxes.  One had been a Spider Man puzzle and the other had been a Barbie puzzle.  My oldest grandson who was 8 at the time and running the show on the puzzle working, was somewhat annoyed that he had been "tricked" into putting a "Girl's" puzzle together but did get the significance of what he was being told.  He did have a few days of uncertainty about changing his image of what a "grandfather" was like and needed some little help with that, but it worked out fine.

[Guest Rachel Gia]

My kids were older when I came out to them which was around 16 or 17 when they came to live with me.

I told them that basically the only thing that will be changed about our relationship is that they will know pretty much everything about me .

Over the last few years I found that they accepted me more as Trans than I did and their acceptance helped me to further my transition.

When 8 years later I told my daughter I was finally on hormones it was like "cool" and that was it and then the conversation went to more domestic stuff like 'When are you picking me up?".

Like others it was my greatest fear years ago that they would ever find out .

Talk about False Evidence Appearing Real!

 

[Jennylynn]

The kids saw me dressed at Halloween and saw how much happier I was. Then a week or so later asked when Jenny was coming back to visit. My wife and I sat down with them together and explained how Jenny never goes away but sometimes she has to dress like a guy to fit in right now. They are 9 and 10. I've found that they love it because they know I'm happy and mom is handling it well. Our oldest thinks it is time to introduce me to his friends.

 

Hugs,

Jenny

[Briana]

I think telling kids can be easy...and difficult depending on their ages and how you do it.  I think your current relationship with them will have an affect of it as well as your relationship with your spouse.  

 

At home, I think most younger kids usually take it well if it's explained well.  As they get older, especially those preteens and teens, I think it becomes much more difficult.  They're growing and developing and things, they are a changin.  There's also been more social & cultural influences on them.  They have to deal with the attitudes of friends and teachers and other parents.  

 

At ages 8 & 10 I think for the most part they'll be accepting if explained well.  If you're seeing a therapist, seek help and guidance there.  I think Vicky's way of providing an example using the puzzles and was very clever and thoughtful.    

[BrandiBri]

I need some advice, My youngest daughter is having a very hard time with my transition, and I am waiting for her to initiate a conversation. In the meantime a wonder what to say to her. I'm sure that she feels as if she lost her dad and I don't know how to answer that issue. Also are there any online resources that I could direct her to that would help her understand?  Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Brandi

[VickySGV]

39 minutes ago, BrandiBri said:

My youngest daughter is having a very hard time with my transition,

 

How old is "youngest" here? ( My youngest daughter is 38  BTW)  The PFLAG organization near me has one or two meetings per month for Trans parents & children where they meet together for about 1/2 the time, and then split up into kid groups and parent groups.  The PFLAG web site also has some good information on it. (PFLAG = Parents, & Friends of Lesbians & Gay, but it has expanded to be VERY inclusive and supportive of Trans folks.)   If your daughter is a preteen then I would suggest getting her the books by Jazz Jennings and Avery Jackson about Trans kids, but which would help her relate to peer age trans people and get their understanding of how it feels and why people transition. 

[BrandiBri]

My daughter is 37 and lives too far to attend the PFLAG meetings. Our group meets next Tuesday and I will pick up a copy of Our Trans Loved Ones for her. It really hurts to know that I hurt her so much. I have three other kids and they all are ok with my choice. They all say "if it makes you happy, then we're happy for you". 

[VickySGV]

23 hours ago, BrandiBri said:

It really hurts to know that I hurt her so much.

 

My oldest at 44 has been pulling the "hurt me very much" thing on me since I came fully out in 2009 and still does it when she thinks she is losing control of things.  I have gotten beyond feeling bad for her because I have taken her to where it is now her life and her choice to heal, and the "hurt" is suspicious to me.  Do not let your daughter rule your life with her being hurt, and with a reasonable time, move yourself on. I am sorry to be harsh on this, but there is a problem with some adult children, where your problems before coming out gave them a sense of control over your life and having you in control of your own life angers them instead of hurts them

[BrandiBri]

Thanks for the advice Vicky. I plan on getting a booklet called "Our Trans Loved Ones" at my nest PFLAG meeting and hopefully find a time to sit down with her to find out what her feelings are. If she doesn't want a relationship I am willing to live with that. All I really want now is to try to help her understand my need to live this way.

[VickySGV]

Sounds like a good path to take Brandi.

[Charlize]

My  grandkids who were 5 and 3 when i transitioned took it very well.  They giggled and the younger one kept pulling at my wig.  He is a bit of an itch and was having fun but soon lost interest.  i became Grandi as opposed to Granddad.  

My son has taken longer.  He still occasionally misgenders me 6 years later and i'll probably always be a bit difficult for him. He is 44.

I have to take care of myself and fortunately there are now resources for others to explore( as seen above) if they wish to do that.  

It works out with time but we do need to take care of ourselves as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize