Depression and Transition

[soapdebray]

Lately I've been feeling a little confused. I've been playing with my identity for a while yet keep resulting back to "I'm a woman, probably." 

 

Part of my confusion is that I occasionally dip into these SUPER-FEM ULTRA WOMAN moods and burn out afterwards feeling like nothing matters, least of all myself. I feel like I shouldn't have to work at being myself, yet if I don't use my voice a black pit suddenly opens up in my chest and it's as if the entire world is working at destroying me. Is that what dysphoria feels like? My depression runs so deeply that it's difficult for me to pick out my feelings. Or pick up on them. There's a lack of fire for most of what's going on around me. I'm not apathetic, I generally care about a whole lot. But there's something inhibiting me from action.

 

I've been diagnosed with depression since I was fourteen. I get manic sometimes, then burn out. I've tried learning to live with my depression instead of in spite of it, mainly because living in spite of it makes it harder to care for myself without dying internally. But transition-related things that I've wanted to aim for for a long time seem like something I suddenly don't want anymore because of my depression. I know what it is that I want to do and how I should go about doing it, but ultimately: "I'm just too tired.."

 

Blegh. 

[soapdebray]

Also clarifying that I'm just too tired and busy to care about my gender most of the time. I'm not sure why I keep stressing myself out over it, maybe it's important to me. I don't know.

[jae bear]

I am so sorry your feeling bummed out... I can sympathize, sometimes I just don't feel like doing anything at all, just curl up in a hamster ball and take a nap. I have had doubts over the years, do I really feel this way? Is this what I want? But I finally decided the 41 years of feeling like this is not a "phase". We are all here for you, let us know how we can help and listen, I am sending you a hug right now ((())) . I found that poetry was something I really enjoyed, I see you love writing, I would love to read a poem from you if you wrote one!

Big hugs,

Jae

[Jani]

As you know depression does sap all the energy out of us at times.  Try to stay focused on what you want.  Remember that this is not a race and there are no rules that say you have to do such and be at a certain place after so much time.  Move at your own pace.  Try making that a goal.  

 

Hugs,

Jani

[Charlize]

I have also had bouts of depression especially when i was in active addiction.  Over time i slowly found a path towards accepting a new gender and then once i went full time i managed to get myself out there and do the necessary name changes etc.  I think one of the things that helped was simply thinking about what the next step was not about the entire process.  When i gave myself small goals i could do each and move slowly towards my goal.

You have made a step joining Trans Pulse.  Read share and think about a step you can take now.  I know that for me it was well worth the effort.  My therapist and the others here helped me as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize