Dysphoria

[Clara84]

Sorry if this post could hurt anybody, I just try to explain what I feel.

 

Hello everybody.

I just passed the 1 year mark after starting transition and dysphoria is growing, worse than ever.

 

I successfully fought against social dysphoria.

I accept my image, sometimes I feel beautiful.

 

But... what's when I don't wear clothes ?

I speak about genital dysphoria. It just killing me. I can't go on anymore.

Last time I was naked was.............. in 2016 ! I just can't, even for washing myself I need to wear something.

 

Thinking about my naked body makes me crying, crying a lot. Now it's worse. I am furious. I must control myself to avoid destructing things or hurting myself. I am in a crisis.

I begin to be really trans-phobic against myself.

 

I am not a woman. I am even not a man. I am just a MONSTER

That's not possible. Such things can't exist. It's disgusting.

 

The more people told me how pretty I am, the most I feel disgusted because I know there is a weird thing under my panties who DON'T BELONG TO ME !!!!!! Everything is also fake ?
 

I just want to go on ! But NOBODY understand me.

 

Doctors have just one word : WAIT !  - Wait what ??? Wait for dying ???

..."but you're going fast in your transition, it's too early to talk about that" -what the heck- ????

When you began something you must do with a huge delay. It's natural to do it as fast as possible, isn't it ???

 

The facts : I have to ask my health insurance to get the money for SRS. (letter sent 1 month ago, still no answer)

Their habit is to refuse it "because it's too early", then we've to fight with lawyers etc. or accept waiting. ( I pay $480 each month since I am 18 for health insurance)

==> a person who never see me, who never talks to me will decide how long I will have to SUFFER !

..the secret response is that they hope to save money, because some trans* people prefer to pay themselves for SRS instead of dealing with administrative questions. then they save money.

..or perhaps they hope I would kill myself. then they save money.

 

For me, it's like I got a lethal cancer, which can be removed through surgery and one told me "ok, if you're still alive in 1 year, we will do it"

If the world was NORMAL. If the doctors were really here to treat me... Regarding my actual pain. I should go to an emergency service an get an SRS overnight. But stop dreaming !

 

[BrandiBri]

24 minutes ago, Clara84 said:

 

I am not a woman. I am even not a man. I am just a MONSTER

Clara, I know haw you feel. I have often asked myself the same question, "i'm not a man, I don't like traditional male things, but I'm not a woman, that's obvious by looking at me, so what am I?" 

I'm glad that you shared this post. I hope by writing down your feelings that it helped to relieve some of you anxiety. I wish I had some words to make things better for you. I hope that by saying this you won't take it the wrong way, but I think you are very pretty. Know that it does take time and don't give up.

 

Lots of hugs,

Brandi

[BrandiBri]

Are you talking to your therapist about your dysphoria? I find that by talking to my therapist I can release feelings and by doing so feeling better about myself. Please find someone to talk to. I'm sure it will get better for as time goes by'

 

More Hugs

Brandi

[Clara84]

Yes I talked. I talked a lot. 

But I am over now. Talking is no more enough. I just need to get this awful thing cut. I am going to ask the doctor some medication because it's too hard now. I am going to make a mistake if I have to live that way. 

 

I am not a man because my face looks female 

My body shape is now more female than male. 

But there is a huge bug downstairs. 

 

No you don't hurt me saying I am pretty. You know that my body is insane and you accept it. 

 

When compliments comes from other people.. It makes me feel good and bad. 

Good because that's a big success for me being seen as a pretty girl. 

Bad because I feel like I cheated. Faked. 

Because my body is monstruous. 

[BrandiBri]

Sweetheart, I'm glad that you are going to get medical help. I would hate to think that you you would make a mistake that you later regretted. I realize that the junk between your legs makes you feel badly about yourself. That gets to me at times too. Just try to focus on the positive things, like how far you have come on your journey, The feeling of joy you had when coming out and the first time you started on HRT. Remember too. we are all here for you and support you. Please keep us informed as we all want the best for you.

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi

 

[Clara84]

I am also feeling that each step forward in my transition worse is the genital dysphoria. And the more I feel fake. 

 

Started HRT. More dysphoria 

Obtained official gender change. More dysphoria

Pass everywhere. More dysphoria 

Etc. Etc. 

[Jani]

Clara, I am sorry to hear you are not happy.  I look at your avatar and I see an attractive woman.  This is true because you say you pass everywhere.  There are many here that wish they could do that.  What I ask is that you make a list of all the positive things in your transition journey.  As you note, you've started HRT, gotten your records correct for your gender and you pass everywhere.  I will add that you are also young and have a long future ahead of you in which to live your true life.  I'm sure you can add more to this list.  

 

What are the negatives?  You waited until you were ?? years old, you don't feel good about yourself and you haven't yet had GRS.  That is a relatively short list.  We all wish we could or would have started earlier.  I suffered and struggled until I was 61.  I certainly wish...  Please take a look at your accomplishments and you will recognize you have definitely come far.  Take pride in the person you are.  I recall speaking with a therapist for my second recommendation letter for surgery and I remember telling her that I knew that surgery wouldn't change anything in my life.  Any problems I had would still be there when I woke up in the recovery room.  It would just change how I would urinate.  (And I learned my bottom would always get wet!)  We all have issues in life to work through.  Some are resolved quickly and some take time.  I still see my therapist on a regular basis. Having someone to address these things in my life that aren't quite right is a godsend.  I never thought I would still need counseling.  

 

My point is that surgery, while an important milestone for those of us lucky enough to obtain it, is not the be-all, end-all that it seems to be.  You will get there.  You just passed one year on your journey.  It's not a sprint but a marathon.  It may take the rest of this year for all the pieces to come together for you, it may be later.  But know this, it will come.  Because I see you are a fighter and you look out for yourself.  You will succeed and then you'll be where I am.   I wish you peace. 

 

Jani

[Clara84]

Just now, Jani said:

Clara, I am sorry to hear you are not happy.  I look at your avatar and I see an attractive woman.  This is true because you say you pass everywhere.  There are many here that wish they could do that.  What I ask is that you make a list of all the positive things in your transition journey.  As you note, you've started HRT, gotten your records correct for your gender and you pass everywhere.  I will add that you are also young and have a long future ahead of you in which to live your true life.  I'm sure you can add more to this list.  

 

What are the negatives?  You waited until you were ?? years old, you don't feel good about yourself and you haven't yet had GRS.  That is a relatively short list.  We all wish we could or would have started earlier.  I suffered and struggled until I was 61.  I certainly wish...  Please take a look at your accomplishments and you will recognize you have definitely come far.  Take pride in the person you are.  I recall speaking with a therapist for my second recommendation letter for surgery and I remember telling her that I knew that surgery wouldn't change anything in my life.  Any problems I had would still be there when I woke up in the recovery room.  It would just change how I would urinate.  (And I learned my bottom would always get wet!)  We all have issues in life to work through.  Some are resolved quickly and some take time.  I still see my therapist on a regular basis. Having someone to address these things in my life that aren't quite right is a godsend.  I never thought I would still need counseling.  

 

My point is that surgery, while an important milestone for those of us lucky enough to obtain it, is not the be-all, end-all that it seems to be.  You will get there.  You just passed one year on your journey.  It's not a sprint but a marathon.  It may take the rest of this year for all the pieces to come together for you, it may be later.  But know this, it will come.  Because I see you are a fighter and you look out for yourself.  You will succeed and then you'll be where I am.   I wish you peace. 

 

Jani

You're all correct Jani. 

 

The problem I've now with dysphoria is for me the same problem with all others suffering things. 

 

There is a solution I will get it. But when? 

 

The open question remains the same. And not only for that question but for every bad things in our lives : how can I survive during the waiting period?? 

Reducing the waiting period to the minimum makes surviving more accessible. But it don't answer the question. 

 

As an image.. I am hungry and there's no food available. One told me. "no worry there will be food in the future"

I ask "okay nice.. But how can I survive in between?" 

 

I don't agree 100% with you that the surgery won't change my life. It will. I won't be su much suffering. And I will be able to meet new people without being scared talking about sex.

I feel alone. A lot of people are interested into me. But I am too ashamed to tell the truth to most of them. I just ignore then telling "no really, you won't be able to love me" 

[Jani]

I hate to sound prophetic..

Just now, Clara84 said:

There is a solution I will get it. But when?

...When it is time.  When I started seeing my counselor in what I now know was the beginning of my transition I NEVER thought I would have surgery; that it would ever be possible.  Aside from my age, I am married so I had another person to consider.  

 

Just now, Clara84 said:

I don't agree 100% with you that the surgery won't change my life. It will.

OK I grant you this.  It does change things; just not in the manner of your daily life.  Yes you will feel better about yourself, thats the point of it but it won't make your other struggles easier.  I no longer think about "it" and how it made me feel.  I've moved on.  

 

How to survive until then?  That question is our own to answer.  It's like if you've ever lost a job and wondered how you would make ends meet until you found a new one.  You just did it.  You make adjustments to your life and you don't dwell on the negatives because they can drag you down and then you can lose focus on your end goal.  It's the same with any problem without a clear end point.  In the job example and for surgery, you know you will survive and come out the other side being ok.  What are your alternatives?  I ask this of myself when I get down.  The answer is never what I want to hear.  So my choice has been made for me to look forward with as positive an attitude as I can muster.   You can too. 

 

Jani

[Charlize]

Dear Clara, 

 Like you many say i'm pretty.  I also find that when i look in the mirror i look good when i'm dressed(for a 69 year old woman).  Naked..... not so much.  I unfortunately cannot ever have any more surgery beyond an orchiectomy due to some severe health problems.  I've come to accept that over time.  I enjoy the things i've been able to accomplish with the help of others.  Gratitude fills me when i look at how far i've come.  After all i am able to live as myself.  When i was your age i thought my gender issues had to be surpassed for my entire life.  Try to take a deep breath.

 Jani mentioned looking at the positive side of your journey.  When i started a journey to sobriety i was told to make a gratitude list.  I was in pain, both physical and mental at the time. When i looked at all the positive things in my life it made the others seem less pressing and i was able to work step by step towards other goals.  It did help and time did the rest.

 I will never be a woman in all respects but today i've managed to find acceptance of my position in the world.  

You are not alone in your feelings but please understand we can get through these hurdles and find peace.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[tracy_j]

Hi Clara,

 

Nothing else to say - I look at yor pictures - You are beautiful!

 

Tracy

[Clara84]

Finally after insisting my therapist wrote for me a request for the SRS agreement.

Now I have to cross my fingers.

 

I noticed during my transition that I accepted a lot of things who made me dysphoria in the past. (except the sex part)

I looked a lot at the cis women. And for every esthetical problem where cis women can have the same problem => less dysphoria.

 

hairy legs and arms - I am not alone

hairy face - I just can't tolerate it !

 

small breasts - Like a lot of women

no vagina - WOW BIG PROBLEM!

 

etc. etc. 

 

I can say when I finished laser and got SRS, I would nearly get rid of gender dysphoria.

My story, my past would be a theme to work on it in the future. Because thinking about it still makes me dysphoria.

[BrandiBri]

Good for you!!! Just keep your eyes on the future.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Jani]

Yes!  You've come to see many problems we face are the same as cis women.  Some can be rectified quickly (shaving legs, etc) and others take more time.  I think you're on the right path.  As Brandi says keep focused on the future.  I can assure you when you look back at your progress you'll find the time passed faster than you imagined.  It did for me.  

 

Cheers, 

Jani

[Clara84]

34 minutes ago, Jani said:

Yes!  You've come to see many problems we face are the same as cis women.  Some can be rectified quickly (shaving legs, etc) and others take more time.  I think you're on the right path.  As Brandi says keep focused on the future.  I can assure you when you look back at your progress you'll find the time passed faster than you imagined.  It did for me.  

 

Cheers, 

Jani

 

Yes looking and also talking with cis women helped a lot. 

The fact that today, a doctor or even a beautician never clocks me helped also. 

 

The remaining dysphoria is very hard because I begin not to identify anymore as "trans". I am just a woman. "trans" remains only for the doctors who follows my transition and for my possible partners. And that's enough difficult. 

 

I booked for a complete body hair removal. Got a nice price. I don't do this because I am trans I do this because I am just a woman who don't like hairs. 

[Jani]

When I think of myself I see a woman also, not a transwoman.  I hope the hair removal goes quickly and comfortably!  
 

Cheers, 

Jani

[Clara84]

Great news! 

I finally got approved for the SRS. 

I will meet the surgeon on next Friday 

 

Hair removal is long 

I still need 4 sessions on the face. 

For the body I booked 8 sessions. Every 6 weeks. Cost 640$/session 

[Jani]

Congratulations Clara.  This is wonderful news.  Now for the hard work of hair removal.  A good job will pay off in the long term. It seems expensive but I'm sure you will certainly be happy with the results.

 

Jani 

[Timber Wolf]

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Rachael]

Sounds like things are starting to get better. Keep thinking happy thoughts. 

[BrandiBri]

Congratulations Clara!!

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[MarcieMarie12]

Congratulations!! It is a big step!!!

 

[Clara84]

22 hours ago, Jani said:

Congratulations Clara.  This is wonderful news.  Now for the hard work of hair removal.  A good job will pay off in the long term. It seems expensive but I'm sure you will certainly be happy with the results.

 

Jani 

 

Yes laser it's expensive, but I have no other option..

My skin is allergic with shaving and waxing. Even electric shaver makes me irritations.

...and laser works very well for me. very light skin with very dark hairs...