Unsupportive Parents and General Fear

[Kalyan]

Hello, I'm not sure if I'm exactly trans, but I do have some very bad periods of dysphoria. Now is one of them, I already have a binder, and I decided to get a packer.

My mom is usually a very supportive person and we're very close, when I told her I liked girls, she was like 'it's not a problem at all, I'm still proud of you'. I didn't want to tell her about my identity 'problems' because 1) I wasn't completely sure myself, and 2) I thought it might be too much for her to accept.

 

Turns out, I was right: she saw what I bought, and when I had to explain...I never saw so much disgust on her face before. She was like 'no...-what the heck-. no, really, I'm open about many things but even I have limits. I think that much is being deviant' (sorry for my possibly bad translation, french to english is a bit uh.. you get it)

 

I was able to 'fix' things by making her believe it was just a sextoy and I was too ashamed to say it. She believed me, she was super relieved.

But I'm not.

 

I think the main fear people in that kind of situation have to deal with is the fear of 'what future for me?'

Like, 'can I get married, have a family, have friends, a normal life, be happy, if I choose that path..' 

As a 'girl who likes girls', I got over that fear. Because, I saw the possibility of a future and a place where I'll be accepted, things like that..

But as a person with gender ... let's say gender expression differences, I realized I wasn't over it. Reject from my mother is something I could barely imagine, it's affecting me a lot. I'm kind of hoping all of this is just a phase for me, and at some point I'll just become a normal woman.

 

But this started a long time ago, I never was a 'girl' , and I only feel comfortable crossdressing, pretty much everything girly feels wrong to me, and it's not going away so I'm worried. What do I do to be happy without it affecting everyone? How to live with that? Got any ideas?

 

Sorry if I'm clumsy in my choice of words, the event is still fresh, I'm very confused and I still have progress to make in english-

 

Thank you for reading, nice day to all of you

[tracy_j]

Hi Kaylan,

 

One thing to realise about your mom is that she is not the one with gender issues. She will not readily understand the physical side of things so binder, packers etc will seem strange or wrong. It will probably be some time, if ever, she comes to terms with them. They are something to keep more private.  They are probably something to keep out of the subject of acceptance, at least for the moment, but, in time, she may understand the reasons for use.

 

A good thing to do would be to read the varied experiences of people here. Some are good, some are bad, but they will give you understanding of the options and likely outcomes. Every situation is different, but your mum sounds like she cares. She will have problems understanding, but there is a bond between you. Obviously things will affect everyone, but everything we do has effects too, good and bad. Look toward the future.

 

Tracy

[Kalyan]

1 hour ago, tracy_j said:

Hi Kaylan,

 

One thing to realise about your mom is that she is not the one with gender issues. She will not readily understand the physical side of things so binder, packers etc will seem strange or wrong. It will probably be some time, if ever, she comes to terms with them. They are something to keep more private.  They are probably something to keep out of the subject of acceptance, at least for the moment, but, in time, she may understand the reasons for use.

 

A good thing to do would be to read the varied experiences of people here. Some are good, some are bad, but they will give you understanding of the options and likely outcomes. Every situation is different, but your mum sounds like she cares. She will have problems understanding, but there is a bond between you. Obviously things will affect everyone, but everything we do has effects too, good and bad. Look toward the future.

 

Tracy

Hello Tracy, thank you for your answer.

 

Actually, I'm not angry with my mom and I can understand. It's more like, I feel guilty. I really don't want to disappoint her, and I don't exactly know what to do. 

 

I wanted to hide the 'packer' thing from her, I didn't say anything about it, she just wanted to see what I was ordering. That's how it happened.

I really love her, I think I just want to hide it from her so she won't have to deal with it..

 

It's just that this experience was new and a bit shocking for me, it made me want to talk about it with someone, ask for advice.

 

Which is why, I'm very thankful for your reply, I'll do my best to keep calm and try to figure out what I should do. Also, I'll be sure to read what other people wrote here, I'm sure I'll learn something from them.

 

Thank you again

 

Kalyan

[DenimAndLace]

4 hours ago, Kalyan said:

...is the fear of 'what future for me?'  Like, 'can I get married, have a family, have friends, a normal life, be happy, if I choose that path..' 

As a 'girl who likes girls', I got over that fear. Because, I saw the possibility of a future and a place where I'll be accepted, things like that..

 

YES, There is a future for you.  You can get married and have children and a spouse and be happy ...AND BE YOURSELF!  You DON'T have to pretend to be someone you are not to have all those things.  It may be harder to get them but you're only looking for ONE person to be your soulmate.  There is someone out there who would be delighted to share their life with you (the real you) I promise and the sooner you get on with being your true self, the better your odds of finding that person.

 

4 hours ago, Kalyan said:

Reject from my mother is something I could barely imagine, it's affecting me a lot. I'm kind of hoping all of this is just a phase for me, and at some point I'll just become a normal woman... ...What do I do to be happy without it affecting everyone?

 

I'm so sorry your mother reacted the way she did.  That's really hard and sadly, it's very common for those of us who do not conform to our parents hopes and dreams.  It happened to me and things never got better between us.  However, I have learned that this is MY life to live, not theirs.  Someone once told me, "You shouldn't light yourself on fire to keep others warm".

 

4 hours ago, Kalyan said:

But this started a long time ago, I never was a 'girl' , and I only feel comfortable crossdressing, pretty much everything girly feels wrong to me, and it's not going away so I'm worried. How to live with that? Got any ideas?

 

I'm afraid it probably wont go away Kalyan.  It sounds like so many other people I know who have gender dysphoria.  How you manage those feelings is up to you and there are many ways to do it.  I suggest starting with small things and moving slowly towards the big things.  Try not to feel guilty about not liking "girly" things.  Wear the clothing you like, do your hair the way you want, ditch the makeup and do the kinds of activities you enjoy.  Wear a binder if it makes you feel better.  If none of those things calm your gender dysphoria, let us know and someone will have another suggestion for you I'm sure.

 

I hope you feel better soon.  We've all been in the emotional fog you're in right now.  It might get worse before it gets better but it does get better as you sort these things out.  Best wishes to you.

[Ravin]

I have no doubt that for many parents, fear for their child is a factor in rejecting what we tell them about our gender stuff. I've encountered a few women who were parents of trans boys who resisted mostly because the very idea of gender identity and transgender identity runs counter to their feminist worldview. Lesbian was something they could deal with in their child, but not a rejection of womanhood. Having one's worldview challenged like is never easy--but it's also not your fault.

 

I, too, came out as lesbian first. I went through several phases when I was younger, of dressing in a masculine fashion, chopping of my hair, wanting to be called by a male "nickname", etc., then swinging the other way and trying to be better at the girl thing, growing my hair out, wearing long skirts (I sort of went through a hippie girl phase, minus the drugs), etc. I was in my mid-30's before I figured out the transgender stuff for myself.

 

Whether you are gender nonconforming (i.e., a masculine or "butch" woman), on a path where you may eventually want to transition to male (medically, legally, etc.), nonbinary, or whatever, a gender therapist might be helpful to help you sort things out, find ways to deal with your dysphoria in a healthy way, and be comfortable with yourself.

 

Give your mother time. You've been struggling with this for years. She just found out. It doesn't make the rejection hurt less, but that initial rejection isn't necessarily what will happen in the long run.

 

 

[Kalyan]

1 hour ago, DenimAndLace said:

 

YES, There is a future for you.  You can get married and have children and a spouse and be happy ...AND BE YOURSELF!  You DON'T have to pretend to be someone you are not to have all those things.  It may be harder to get them but you're only looking for ONE person to be your soulmate.  There is someone out there who would be delighted to share their life with you (the real you) I promise and the sooner you get on with being your true self, the better your odds of finding that person.

 

 

I'm so sorry your mother reacted the way she did.  That's really hard and sadly, it's very common for those of us who do not conform to our parents hopes and dreams.  It happened to me and things never got better between us.  However, I have learned that this is MY life to live, not theirs.  Someone once told me, "You shouldn't light yourself on fire to keep others warm".

 

 

I'm afraid it probably wont go away Kalyan.  It sounds like so many other people I know who have gender dysphoria.  How you manage those feelings is up to you and there are many ways to do it.  I suggest starting with small things and moving slowly towards the big things.  Try not to feel guilty about not liking "girly" things.  Wear the clothing you like, do your hair the way you want, ditch the makeup and do the kinds of activities you enjoy.  Wear a binder if it makes you feel better.  If none of those things calm your gender dysphoria, let us know and someone will have another suggestion for you I'm sure.

 

I hope you feel better soon.  We've all been in the emotional fog you're in right now.  It might get worse before it gets better but it does get better as you sort these things out.  Best wishes to you.

Hello, thank you for your support, it really helps.

To be honest with you, I think I've never been told 'hey, you can actually have a decent life with this too', so, I'm kind of scared. I don't know what to expect, I can only hope to see a society more accepting of transgender people in the following years.

 

I keep switching between 'I don't really care that much' periods and 'intense dysphoria' periods. It's very confusing and a bit hard to deal with, and I got that 'impulse' to buy a packer, because somehow I had that strong feeling of 'it's not complete yet', and it was my last step of getting my whole 'survival starter pack for gender dysphoria'. 

I'm kind of hoping this will just help me deal with this without having to reveal anything, until I can just...I don't know what I'm going to do exactly. Probably move out, and hide it from her all my life. I've always wanted to go overseas anyway.

 

I don't really have any lgbtq supportive community near me, so it's harder to imagine a good future.

 

Hopefully, I was able to make my mom believe something else. Which means, for now, I'm not out..and I'll probably never be, because I don't think I can stomach that venom in my usually sweet mom's eyes and voice again. 

It was like, seeing a completely different person, that's probably what made it so bad.

 

Again, thank you a lot

[BrandiBri]

I agree with Ravin, a gender therapist would be a good start. There you can articulate your feelings, fears, hopes with someone who will not judge you. A good therapist will help with your dysphoria and can possibly assist you with resources for your mother or give advice on ways to approach this delicate subject. These are my own opinions, as I never told my parents out of fear of their reaction. 

 

Welcome to TransPulse, you have a supportive group here.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Kalyan]

1 hour ago, Ravin said:

I have no doubt that for many parents, fear for their child is a factor in rejecting what we tell them about our gender stuff. I've encountered a few women who were parents of trans boys who resisted mostly because the very idea of gender identity and transgender identity runs counter to their feminist worldview. Lesbian was something they could deal with in their child, but not a rejection of womanhood. Having one's worldview challenged like is never easy--but it's also not your fault.

 

I, too, came out as lesbian first. I went through several phases when I was younger, of dressing in a masculine fashion, chopping of my hair, wanting to be called by a male "nickname", etc., then swinging the other way and trying to be better at the girl thing, growing my hair out, wearing long skirts (I sort of went through a hippie girl phase, minus the drugs), etc. I was in my mid-30's before I figured out the transgender stuff for myself.

 

Whether you are gender nonconforming (i.e., a masculine or "butch" woman), on a path where you may eventually want to transition to male (medically, legally, etc.), nonbinary, or whatever, a gender therapist might be helpful to help you sort things out, find ways to deal with your dysphoria in a healthy way, and be comfortable with yourself.

 

Give your mother time. You've been struggling with this for years. She just found out. It doesn't make the rejection hurt less, but that initial rejection isn't necessarily what will happen in the long run.

 

 

Hi, thank you for answering.

It makes sense, I can see why it would shock any parents. 

 

It's really nice to hear something from people who went through the same things. Thank you for sharing that with me, and if you have any other advice it would be super nice

Like I said, I'm not out yet, since I was able to make her believe something else. I think I won't try my luck after all of this- or if I for some reason, decide to do so, I plan on doing so when I'm already away from home.

I'm probably a coward for this, but my first thought was 'if she really finds out, I'll give her all the time she needs but: may it be 1 week or 10 years, I don't want to be in front of her during this'

Do you think it's okay? Or it could be a bad idea?

 

I was very embarassed until now, so didn't really look for a therapist. The idea of me being like 'but..I'm not sure what I am', I'm also scared I won't be taken seriously.. but consider how bad it gets, I should probably see one.

But I don't know how/where to look: I live in a city near the border between France and Switzerland. Haute-Savoie region. I don't think I'll find one in here..

 

If you have any tool or website that could help, don't hesitate to share

 

Thank you again, you probably don't realize but you guys's support really helps

[Kalyan]

Just now, BrandiBri said:

I agree with Ravin, a gender therapist would be a good start. There you can articulate your feelings, fears, hopes with someone who will not judge you. A good therapist will help with your dysphoria and can possibly assist you with resources for your mother or give advice on ways to approach this delicate subject. These are my own opinions, as I never told my parents out of fear of their reaction.

I see, then I think I should really try to find one. Thank you for you advice and your warm words, nice to meet you

[Jennylynn]

You may have luck finding a therapist that will talk to you via Skype or FaceTime. Technology is a wonderful thing! I would search therapists in relatively close areas and call them to see if this is an option. I wish you the best of luck hun. Remember we're all here for you!

 

Hugs,

Jenny

[Kalyan]

3 hours ago, Jennylynn said:

You may have luck finding a therapist that will talk to you via Skype or FaceTime. Technology is a wonderful thing! I would search therapists in relatively close areas and call them to see if this is an option. I wish you the best of luck hun. Remember we're all here for you!

 

Hugs,

Jenny

Thank you Jenny, I wish you all the best luck too

[Ravin]

Getting out on your own before dealing with transition is not a bad plan when you know you face an uphill battle with your family. I mentioned above that I was in my mid-30's before I really dealt with this. I was married and had 2 kids, and lived 1100 km from my parents. It was still scary telling them!

[Kalyan]

I can barely imagine how hard that must have been, Ravin.. You're incredibly brave

I guess I'll do that then, I decided not to 'avoid' the problem and to confront it. By that I mean I should see a therapist, find people or associations who can help me with the whole thing..not planning on coming out yet, since I'm still very confused andand scared, but if I ever do, I wish I'll be as brave as you. 

Thank you a lot for sharing your experience with me!

 

 

 

[Jani]

I was much older than Ravin and the fear I felt when telling my parents was all consuming.  But I made it through the conversation and survived.  Confronting the problem can just be dealing with it day by day.   Meeting others is a wonderful way to allay our fears as we see others living their lives.   Yes it is confusing and scary because its a change and humans by nature don't seem to like change.  I, like others here, fought my fears and came out ahead.  You can too.

 

Jani