Dealing with a Dad that doesn't understand

[Mallion]

So I went to the doctors a couple weeks ago and he asked me to return in a couple weeks to discuss this further. As I had to have a blood test, which I've done, and he needed time to research transgender as reassignment or rather the process isn't something he's too familiar with, because they don't receive many patients with what I came to him about. That's fine, and my parents were understanding or well, supportive at the time.

 

Tomorrow I go back to the doctor and I'm really nervous. Dad has seen this as "you have doubts" and "if in doubt, leave it out". And I know he's trying to protect me from any bullying in the future, and I get it. But he's trying his hardest to stop me from going ahead with what I want. I have suffered from depression for a long time, and he wants me to "tackle one issue before the other". I keep trying to tell him, over and over, that depression isn't something you just "get rid of" or "conquer", that it's something I'll always have to deal with. And as soon as I say that, he goes back to "deal with the depression first". And its getting frustrating and he's losing patience because I won't listen to him. I'm trying to explain, that my gender confusion is something I am trying to see through and transition that will hopefully HELP my depression. Because it's more than just depression I feel, but something that is much deeper. He doesn't understand how my transition will help me, and expects me to be worse after the process is complete.

 

I just can't get through to him. I know he's a concerned parent, and I appreciate that. But he's getting annoyed with me, because I won't do as he suggests. I'm 29 and old enough to make my own decisions, and I'm not after his permission, I just want him to listen to ME and not have to have it be the other way all the time like I'm a little boy. 

Sorry for ranting, but do parents ever "get it", honestly? I'm not going to let him stop me from doing what I want =/... but at the same time, I don't want him making it worse for me. 

[Jani]

You are certainly old enough to make your own choices.  Like you I can see your dad's point but it really is up to you to decide.   Dealing with your gender identity more than likely will help in your depression battle by removing one concern.  Like you may have read here, transitioning doesn't solve all our problems and in some cases it just changes to new problems but I have found they are definitely manageable unlike before.  Don't worry about ranting, this is a safe place for that.  Parents (I am one too) do have their children best interest in mind even though we may not always understand.

 

After your next appointment, tell him it went well and you think you're on the right track. If that is the case.   It will help to allay his fears and concerns.  

 

Jani   

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Mallion,

This is my thoughts on this. I would sit down with him one more time and tell him what you're going through and what your plans and desires for transition are. Tell him that you love him and would like to have his counsel, but you have to make you own choices in life.

 

Understand that he will never really be able to understand because he's not trans. Be patient with him on that.

 

If he continues trying to make the decisions for you and gets upset when you don't accept his decisions, then I would move ahead without consulting him as much as possible.

 

These are just my thoughts based on my own experiences with my dad. But remember, he does this because he loves you and his intention is to help you. Try to be patient.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Charlize]

Aside from your father's feelings i would suggest that you consider talking to a gender therapist if that is available to you.  Not  to talk you out of anything but so that you are as certain of your path as you can be as you proceed.  I found my therapist was great in helping me find that self acceptance and she also helped me deal with the reactions from my family.  Often a therapist will also meet with family to help them understand and accept.  I think we all may have doubts at some points during our transition and while things may never be certain we can all benefit from a good support system.

It's a bit of a journey so take a deep breath, let it out slowly and try to enjoy each step when it comes.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[MarcieMarie12]

22 hours ago, Mallion said:

Sorry for ranting, but do parents ever "get it", honestly? I'm not going to let him stop me from doing what I want =/... but at the same time, I don't want him making it worse for me. 

 

My dad gets it and is accepting. my mom still does not get it--but has gotten more tolerant. But like you, they had no say in the matter of my transitioning. The other thing is that I am living independently from them and have been for a while.....since I left the house to move in with friends in 1997. One thing I found is that my parents also needed to get over is the sense of loss of "him".