Thought I was Trans, and now I am crying on the bathroom floor.

[ShadyoFayx]

Hi, 

So, as the title says,  I was so certain that I was Trans like, two weeks ago. Now, I find myself not feeling the same. I thought for sure that I was--and it had made so much sense as to how I have been feeling these past few years, but suddenly, after accepting it, I suddenly realized that Iiked my more feminine attributes. I enjoyed the clothing, the jewlery, wanting to work my butt off to fit into the cute clothing. I couldn't drop it in my mind. I had already told all my friends that I "gave up on gender."  I am not emotionally stable enough to keep thinking about gender, but here I am, thinking about it. 

 

My depression has sky rocketed and my anxiety keeps coming back. I don't know what I am, and it's killing me on the inside. Every time I think of myself as Female, I feel less than and invalid. When I think I am male, I feel fake and a wannabe. When I think of myself as Agender/genderfluid/non-binary, I feel lonely, and confused. 

 

Am I doomed to this mess? I just want to be able to dress the way I want to. I want to feel powerful and comfortable in my own skin. Even if that means accepting tham I female. 

 

Anyone else every dealt with this? Or am I just broken?

[McGee]

You're definitely not broken! As MaryMary says, a lot of us deal with this kind of confusion. Are we this or that, are we who we really thought/think we are? The only one who can really tell is YOU, maybe along with a gender-specialized therapist  

 

Maybe try to not put a label on yourself? "Just" be you, no matter if you're male, female, non-binary, or something else entirely. It's a lot harder than it sounds, for sure, but I think it could be a right way to go. That being said, there are probably many more ways to go  Best of luck to you on finding what is right for you

[SugarMagnolia]

You are NOT broken. But you are on sort of a heroic quest to find yourself and your place in the world, and heroic quests are hard. 

Mary's suggestion of a good therapist is a big key. You're not alone in what you're feeling. Many of us have been through something similar and are still going through it to some extent or another. Finding someone you can talk to that can help you make sense out of it and help you find useful next steps is super important. You can do this!

[Jani]

When I first started on this journey I experienced the fear of losing the good parts of being my former self.  It was bad.  I was confused about my feelings.  I talked about this with my counselor.  Later I needed to work on my Miata (needed spark plug wires) and I remember thinking I can still do the things and be the person I love.  It was a revelation to me.  

 

Now you love your clothes, jewelry and staying fit.  That's awesome!  Here's the answer.  You can make the rules you live by.  You do not have to "socially" transition to be transgender.  You can still present as fem, or you can mix it up when you feel more masculine.  There are lots of people that, for whatever reason, cannot and do not change their gender presentation.  Are they still transgender?  Yes, Yes, Yes.   

 

You are in no way doomed.  We will always accept the "you" that you show us.  We have no notion of who you "should" be, only who you are.  

 

OK Get off the floor and dust yourself off.  Look in the mirror and fix you hair and dry your tears.  You're wonderful just the way you are.   Hugs!!

 

Jani

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Shadyofayx,

Very early on when I first found these forums, I was given some extraordinary advice, "There's no need to rush into putting a label on myself. Just take a deep breath and slow down". 

 

I found this advice to be extremely helpful. Right now, all you have to be is you, and nothing more. As you feel yourself to be today, just be. As you feel yourself to be tomorrow, just be. It's all ok. You are not in a race. Take time to learn yourself, step by step, little by little.  It doesn't happen overnight. And by all means find a gender therapist. They won't tell you what you are, but rather help you work through it.

 

And remember, you are ok. You are a good person. And you've got friends here who care.

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Guest Rachel Gia]

When it comes to gender identity it usually comes down to wanting to be myself.

[VickySGV]

I have friends who are Gender Fluid and neither really one or the other.  I do ask them to warn me about who I might see when they are out with me doing things.  That way I do not make mistakes, but it is confusing.  Believe it or not, I have had GCS 5 years ago, and a few hours ago was doing things my male self did for years, and was happy I finally figured out something  that took me decades to figure out, it was great, and with my hair up under my hat and no make-up other than sunscreen I felt fine although if anyone had referred to me as female at the time, I would have worried that their eyesight was too impaired to drive.

 

Nearly 20 years and it is still wobbly.  You are just starting and those are both wonderful and terrible days all at once.  You have to be YOU, and while it will not happen tomorrow, it will happen.  Hugggsssss!!

[DenimAndLace]

I was going to add something but @Jani pretty much said what I was going to say.  Just be yourself ShadyoFayx and try to find peace in the fact that how you feel today might be a little different than how you feel tomorrow.  I have a coworker who can "kill it" in a dress and heels on a Friday night and Saturday morning she "kills it" in the woods hunting deer.  I admire the people who throw the rules out the window (most of us here for sure).  Come be one of them with us!  If we were face-to-face, I'd ask you to tell me about a time when you were feminine to the nines and then ask to hear about the time you were the most masculine.  THAT'S the kind of thing that makes you unique and interesting.

 

I love this quote:

"You think I'm weird because I'm different.  I think you're weird because you're all the same" ~Unknown

[Gwen]

Hang in there, Shadyofayx! This time of uncertainty and struggle will provide many rewards in the future. I also have depression and anxiety, and in the beginning it felt like my being was turning inside out. But this will improve!! You will eventually have a clearer sense of who you are and how you want to live my life. I told my therapist about the negative thoughts and feelings that would sometimes challenge my desire to accept my true self, and she felt it was my ego fighting the change. Please find the courage to stay with this journey. True happiness waits for you

 

Gwen

[jae bear]

Dear Shadyofayx,

I’m so sorry you’re feeling down, this is not uncommon in the beginning process of asking yourself hard questions and trying to figure yourself out. As others here already said I can only highly recommend a good therapist, today is the day I go and see mine and it is simply the high point of my week. I used the resource guide here in this forum to find a therapist near me that I really like, and he works with me on the price because I couldn’t afford the full price tag, however he’s more interested in helping people than making money., I absolutely love talking with my therapist, as it is a self examination and a means of support, you really should think of it as a treat to yourself, because you’re doing something for yourself that is good and helps your mental state. I also don’t think you should worry too much about placing a label on yourself right at the moment, you could be anything that you want to be, and you don’t have to fit into one slot or the other, find what you feel comfortable with and be that, You may find yourself to be unique, and that is simply who you are and there would be nothing wrong with that. This of course may be a very long process, And it could take quite some time, years in fact, for you to understand your full potential and who you are as a person. I know that personally I have been denying myself for 41 years, and I must say that 41 years of denial is not a healthy thing. You have at the very least recognized yourself, and you are valid, you are powerful, you simply need to find a way that aligns you with what  makes you feel happy. A good therapist can help you do this, and we are also here to listen and help the best that we can, the people here on this forum are amazing, lovely, wonderful and always willing to listen.

Hugs,

Jae

 

[Ravin]

18 hours ago, Rachel Gia said:

When it comes to gender identity it usually comes down to wanting to be myself.

 

This exactly. When I first started this whole journey, it was with a promise to myself that I would just be myself and let the pieces fall where they may.

[ShadyoFayx]

Thank you all so so much. I am so terribly sorry for not answering right away, but I really appreciate all the feedback and support I am getting. I am heavily thinking about a therapist, and currenlty have just been working on myself without gender being in the way. So far, it has helped alleviate some of my depression. I still have ups and downs, but I am getting through it day by day. 

 

Thank you, everyone, for all the kind words! 

[TiaMaria]

Hi, 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know identities are kind of hard to understand. I especially understand the feeling of being sure one minute and then being completely unsure the next. I'm still new here and i am not the best for advice on this stuff, but I hope you find your answer soon. Please know that you're not alone and that everyone is here for you.