Surprised from behind - Just when I thought I was out of danger

[DenimAndLace]

I'm not sure how to determine when transition is done but my spouse and I told everyone a couple years ago.  Bombs and debris were still falling as recently as last July but since then it has been pretty quiet.  Long story short, I lost all of my wife's family and most of my own not to mention several friends.  It wasn't that we were rude, in their face or otherwise bad people.  We took the verbal abuse and rejection like Jesus himself offering the other cheek and our tunic too.  Nonetheless, the relationship losses were significant ...and close to the heart.  We were/are devastated.  We were also deeply entrenched in fundamental christian religion which explains most of the rejection - karma right?  For a while, I thought my sister and brother who had been supportive would continue to be supportive but since christmas, it's been crickets.  The couple times I've reached out to them their response has been cool and limited.  It's starting to hurt.  ...Really hurt.  Every day it gets a little harder and I find myself struggling to deal with a total loss of family.  Am I an "orphan"?  Really?  I never felt genuinely loved by family so I don't even have the memory of being once loved - just the unquenchable desire to be loved.  Additionally I suspect my mom is secretly working to poison the well with anyone who has anything to do with me.  I know I know, they rejected me not the other way around.  I should just count it as a loss and move on but that's easier said than done.  I can FEEL why those with unsupportive family are prone to hurt themselves.  The voice is in my head but I do my best to ignore it.  MOST days are better than these and I know a couple years from now I'll have come to terms with everything but lately it's been getting hard again.  Any wisdom and/or encouragement from those of you on this side of transition?  Has anyone used a support group for people who have experienced traumatic things?  Is there support or resources for people who have lost most or all their family?  It seems like there is some commonality between what I'm experiencing and other bad things that happen to people.  Thoughts?

[Jani]

I'm truly sorry to hear this.  I do not understand family that is this way.  As to faith, they obviously do not practice what they preach.  Take solace in your own beliefs.  I've found support groups to be very good, if you find the right one.  I have a small group of older transitioners I meet with and we can talk freely about issues that we experience.  Maybe you could start one if there isn't one.  Mine is an offshoot of a larger group.  

 

Take care of yourself and your own close family.  The others have to deal with their own inadequacies.  You will be OK in the peace that you tried.   Reach out to others as there are lots of people worth knowing and loving.  

 

Hugs, 

Jani

[VickySGV]

FAMILY can be a matter of choice over DNA.  I belong to a couple of groups who perform the basic functions of family such as acceptance of the person, emotional support, and in different ways, even spiritual support.  One of my groups is going to be doing a Senior Prom for LGBT young people in our area who are not fully Out in their daily schools.  Another one of my groups has a support system for people who have lost partners, and still another group will have FAMILY picnics and dinners over the coming holidays, where everyone is accepted as they are and no one goes away hungry. 

 

A couple of people I know got a sweet revenge on their "birth families" when the BirthFams posted some pictures meant to hurt my friends on a social network.  The pictures I was shown did not seem all that happy and joyful or even much fun.  Pictures of the parties we had had showed the real joyful fun with people smiling and hugging each other with obvious love (not sex) between them.  Those were posted in reply to the dour unsmiling portraits, and they have since heard from a few DNA family members who have seen that they no longer control the happiness of their LGBT siblings. 

[Jennifer T]

I am so sorry to read this Denim. 

 

I have no words of advice.  I didn't start transition. I have never had many close relationships and was always the 'different' one in my family, so I lost them a long time ago. 

 

I came out to my wife, my son and a couple close friends. I started showing parts of Jennifer to these few. I lost my friends and my wife couldn't deal with even my small changes.

 

In the end, I have simply remained T and I still have my wife. It is enough for me.

 

I pray you find peace in your situation.

[DenimAndLace]

Thank you @Jani @VickySGV and @Jennifer T.  ...Just to clarify, my nuclear family (spouse and kids) are supportive so there are certainly others who have paid a higher price than I.  My heart goes out to them.  Jennifer; I'm really sorry that your costs are too high for you to transition.  That too would be really hard too.  I'm trying to count my blessings today and do what I can to improve the other daily circumstances that are making me feel bad.  I appreciate the support I get here and the opportunity to encourage all of you on the days when I feel better. 

[Cyndee]

I am sorry you have experienced family losses Denim, you are a strong person, it takes a certain amount of emotional armor to do this, we have to be prepared for rejection. You will replace these relationships with others.

 

To stop living the lie, and to live in truth is to violate social norms. People like the convenience of gender, many assumptions are made in the human brain around a person's perceived gender. Smaller minds are not able to see the truth for what it is, it becomes an "inconvenient truth" and many simply stop dealing with it. Add on religious teachings and it only gets worse, such embedded sexism. It's really their loss to choose to reject a family member living in truth, yet it still hurts. Living in truth you gain so many benefits, over living in convention with birth sex, the self satisfaction of fixing what was broken from the onset, is enough for the price of admission in my eyes. it's not convenient, it's not easy, it's risky in many ways, but in the end you have to decide your life path, not others. 

 

I wish you a happy life, much of this we make ourselves.

 

Hugs

 

Cyndi -

[Jennifer T]

17 hours ago, DenimAndLace said:

Thank you @Jani @VickySGV and @Jennifer T.  ...Just to clarify, my nuclear family (spouse and kids) are supportive so there are certainly others who have paid a higher price than I.  My heart goes out to them.  Jennifer; I'm really sorry that your costs are too high for you to transition.  That too would be really hard too.  I'm trying to count my blessings today and do what I can to improve the other daily circumstances that are making me feel bad.  I appreciate the support I get here and the opportunity to encourage all of you on the days when I feel better. 

 

Thank you @DenimAndLace.  Even with everything in life that has happened, I make my choices and accept responsibility for my life and happiness. I know what I am willing to accept and what I am not.

 

I truly hope you find what works for you and brings you peace. In the end I believe that 's all we really seek.

 

Hugz.

[Rachael]

DenimAndLace , it is difficult when people choose to have nothing to do with us. It’s good to hear that some of your family supports you. 

My mother In law has not talked to me 4 times since my sister in law told her at New Years. In the time since Patti (my wife) died we had talked on the phone 6 nights a week and went to lunch on sundays. 

If they are still talking to you ask them this; 

If I was in a car crash and my face dis figured would you still love me? 

If I was suffering from a life threatening disease would you still love me? 

I (we) are still the same person I just look different. So since I look different you no longer wish to talk to me. Why? 

Look for a Pflag group near you. Groups help I go to three different groups they help a lot. The common theme that I can see is no one says they are going to give up. Just being with people helps and gives me support. 

I hope things get better for you. 

[BrandiBri]

DenimAndLace, I cannot add anything except that Rachael's advice is spot on. I agree that support groups do help.

 

Hugs,

Brandi