Unsure whether it's gender dysphoria or body dysmorphia

[Ko]

Hi, I've been having some pretty severe depression related to my body for the past couple years and have been unsure how to approach it. I've looked at various articles and forum posts and am confused as to whether what I'm experiencing is gender dysphoria or body dysmorphia or something else or even some combination of factors. I was born male and have lived male for my whole life (I'm twenty one this year), but I hate most of the defining male characteristics of my body; the broad shoulders and rib cage, the narrow hips, the body and facial hair (though I've so far preferred to ignore it than shave it off, and I easily razor burn), the square face, thin lips, and prominent brow, etc. One thing that's been holding me up is that I have no real problem with my genitalia. I don't hate it, I don't particularly like it, it's just kind of there and I don't think I'd necessarily even want to remove it. I also have no real interest in some of the more quote unquote "effeminate" clothes, nor have I ever really expressed such an interest, though in early childhood because my parents were hippies, half my clothing for the first four or five years of my life were leggings and blouses and whatnot in varying floral designs and colors (I've been shown a handful of pictures.) I've also not been bothered with pronouns since I left middle school, as at that point everyone just assumed male and I had no emotional attachment to what other people referred to me by. Likewise, my parents never really enforced gender norms around the house. They split cleaning and cooking, my siblings and I played with doll houses and action figures in equal measure until we discovered the internet and games, though interestingly I've almost always used the female sprite even since my first game, pokemon red. As I grew up I was bullied a lot for being quiet and effeminate and bookish and started to refuse to wear any bright colors by the age of ten to twelve or so, preferring to wear baggy, concealing clothing, though I didn't cut my hair short until either late freshman or early sophomore year of high school. I still wear fairly baggy clothing, but at least wear colored t-shirts (my sweaters and jackets are all grey though.) I have noticed feeling jealous of beautiful women rather than conventionally attractive males in terms of looks, but I'm still hung up on physical performance. I've trained in martial arts for years and I'm worried that if I do transition the hormones could knock off the edge I've worked on for most of my life. I'm currently the best fighter and the strongest and fastest person in my sparring group, and in the top five in the dojo tournaments. I'm also concerned about having to physically rely on others for heavy moving, as I'm in an academic field that requires moving a lot of dirt and rocks. On the other hand, I've also noticed some traits that I've read are distinctly related to body dysmorphia, like seeing my body as more overweight and less muscular than it is, and my face as far too round and lumpy. So I'm completely lost as to what I actually want to do with my body and mind in terms of counseling or what even to address as a problem. So I ask you several questions: can you be mtf trans and not want to get rid of your genitals, or not want to wear frills and skirts and open shoes, or not have an attachment to female pronouns? What category does it sound like I fall under and how do you, as people who have gone through this process of self-discovery, think I should proceed?  

[BrandiBri]

As for your first question, Ko, you do not have to wear anything that would make you uncomfortable. The way you present yourself is entirely up to you. There are no rules, no right or wrong. The only rules are the ones you make for yourself. If you are comfortable with whatever pronouns people use, that's ok. There are people here that have chosen not to have HRT or surgery and there are those who have gone the whole way. My dysphoria targets my legs and feet. We all have differing areas and levels of severity when it comes to dysphoria, of course this is common with cis gender people as well as trans*, it's a general feeling of comparing yourself with what you perceive you should or want to look like.

To answer your second question, the first thing I would suggest would be yo take Mary's advice and find a good GT. He/she will help you explore your inner self without manipulating you one way or another. Only you can determine the category that best fits you. Here again, a good GT can help you with that.

Feel free to ask any questions that you have. We will be willing to answer as best we can.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Jani]

Hello Ko and welcome.  My friends have offered good advice.  As we are not doctors or therapists nor do we know you beyond what you've written we can not offer any more than a suggestion to seek out counseling.  TBH I never though it would be something I would consider or find valuable, but it has been an awakening experience for me.  My counselor has provided the key I needed to the lock I've carried for so many years.  It was all within me but I needed someone else with a different vision to help me see it.  

 

To answer your question, yes its possible you are mtf but only you can know.  Remember it is a wide spectrum with lots of data points along the way.  

 

Again welcome!  Please join in the conversation as we'd love to hear from you. 

 

Jani

[Ko]

Thank you for your input so far everyone, I am talking tomorrow afternoon to a friend of a friend who gives talks on gender identity and transition at schools, after which I will try to find a good counselor in the area who specializes in this kind of thing. As for what Brandi said, it's not that I feel uncomfortable with wearing female clothes, I just don't have the attraction to them that I've heard some people describe.   

[Jani]

That's good news.  Hopefully something will come from the talk. 

 

As to clothing, not everyone feels the need to socially transition, assuming the social presentation and presence of their real gender.  Some can get by with a low dose of hormones or maybe none at all.   It could be because the perceived "cost" is too high or their GD or BD isn't strong enough to warrant change.  For many of us admitting to ourselves we were transgender and that it's OK was a great relief and for some that's enough.   We all seem to have, or had, this noise in our head that we need(ed) to address.  As Mary said its something you have to find out on your own.  The good news is there is an answer.   Best of luck tomorrow.

 

Jani   

[BrandiBri]

Ko, I should have added that if you didn't want to wear the clothes that that is ok. I really wasn't assuming that you were uncomfortable with dressing in girls clothes. I'm sorry if I came across that way.

Good luck tomorrow.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Ko]

No, it's fine, thank you for the advice and consideration. 

[Ko]

I talked to my normal therapist and she said I just have body dysmorphic disorder and then asked me even if I did transition would I then date men and when I said no she asked why I couldn't just date women as a man. The point went so far over her head so quickly that if you use a high powered telescope you may see it passing pluto on its way out of the solar system. I'm getting a new therapist. 

[SandraG]

I completely understand the feeling, it's something that I was fighting with for a while, too until I realized: so what? I'm me. I am becoming more me through this transition, but I'm still me. An individual. Unique. Relieved of cisnormative gender roles, however I decide to express myself is correct for me. 

 

1 hour ago, Ko said:

if I did transition would I then date men and when I said no she asked why I couldn't just date women as a man

As someone AMAB going through transition with my cis wife (and we're still planning on having a child), I can definitely tell you that being in a "hetero" relationship isn't required... I'm not sure how much it even really applies to a lot of trans* people. Besides... IMO guys suck at relationships. I dated all over the field, and was never able to have a long-term relationship with a man, just didn't work for me outside the date/bar/bedroom.

[Katie]

Hi Ko,

Just quickly want to say that I too have a square head, thin lips and a big brow (also a big nose fml).

 

If your therapist thinks you have to be attracted to someone you aren't attracted to because you want to potentially transition...that's a -crap- therapist

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Hi Ko,

I don't like frilly girly clothes to much and judging by what is in the sale racks  , a lot of women don't either.

Body image issue things can be a big deal as you know and it takes a lot of work to get them in check.

I know a lot of binger purgers, laxative bolimics and or exercise bilemics and although that bullet missed me my issues come from the same place.

The sex we are attracted to does not define as to whether we have gender dysphoria or not as being transgender is mostly about identity. You might be a 'they" or a "she they' . who knows but your emerging self.

The pronoun thing is a big deal for some and not for others of which I am one.

I like it when it when people use 'she' but it does not ruin my day otherwise at this time.

That being said i, it does make my day when people use 'she'.

The 'they' is for people who feel uncomfortable using 'she' but still want to make an effort.

Learning to love who you are is a long process but a good one and one aspect of being "in the solution".

Much Love

Rachel Gia