Are these common thoughts? Or is it just me...

[TiaMaria]

Hey everyone. I had a few things I wanted to ask tonight…

So, in the past I came to terms with the idea that I am probably trans. I’m pretty sure I am. I know I want to transition, or at least try it.

The thing I keep getting stuck on is trying to find the right time to start transition. I tried planning for it and waiting for the right time, but that time just keeps changing.  I’ve been thinking that when I transition, I want to move somewhere no one knows me and I can start over. Hopefully somewhere in Florida or California. But I hear that it is WAY too expensive to live in California and that there are parts of Florida are not very trans-friendly. Also, I just don’t know anyone out there.

Another thing is that I can’t come to grips with some things about transition. For me personally, I can’t really see myself as real. Not a real woman. Not really Transgender. It just doesn’t feel right; it just feels like I’m faking. I keep hearing all around how cis women feel threatened by Trans women because they feel like transwomen are just trying to take away their spaces or downplay their experiences or something. In a weird way, I understand why they feel that way though. I don’t want to do that, I’m not trying to take away anything from them. I’m just trying to live authentically. I understand that women still face a lot of marginalization and have to deal with sexism in their everyday lives, and for a male to say that they are female does downplay their experiences to an ideal… if that makes sense.

I also can’t see a long-term future as a girl. I have spent years of my life picturing my life later on in terms of a guy. When I see my future, I still didn’t like being a guy, but I did want to see myself as a father. When I think of father, I think of protective person, which is what I want to be. I’ve had this life planned out, and I feel that once I transition, it’s like closing the door on this life. And as a girl, I’m not sure if I can see a long-term plan for life.

I also keep thinking about a question I found: If I told you that you weren't Trans would that upset you or give you relief? When I ask myself this question, I just get a half-half answer. I get upset, because I would really like to transition and try to see how things would go, if that makes sense. I would also get a sense of relief, because I won’t have to change my entire life in order to adjust to this big change.

I don’t know, my thoughts are just kind of everywhere right now and I just wanted to see what you all thought.  I'd really appreciate any advice. Thanks!

[Jani]

Hi TiaMaria.  I don't know what you're looking for in a new state but Oregon and Washington might be two to look into.  

 

Regarding the feeling of faking it, I think that's something we all go through for a time.  I had those feelings and they eventually pass.  Once you finally commit to it, ie determining transition is the right thing for you, as opposed to "trying it out" you will come around and feel real.  Admittedly for me the hardest time I had was when I was in-between, swapping my presentation.  It confused my head.  As to thoughts of being a real woman or not, you have to believe in yourself.  I understand about the marginalization and discrimination and I believe it is real, but I transitioned to be me and I will fight those things if I need to the best of my ability.  

17 minutes ago, TiaMaria said:

I also can’t see a long-term future as a girl.

Well, maybe transition isn't for you.  If you have dreams that are important, that mean you remain a guy, that's OK too.  You don't need to life fully as a woman.  You do need to seek a balance between the masculine and feminine that meets your needs.  If you are generally happy in your male role but feel you need more female influence, then add some.  There is no need to be a stereotypical macho-guy.  You can be masculine and soft and caring and anything you desire.  You don't have to close the door on anything.  Live the life you want to live.   I assume your relatively young so there is time to make choices and change what doesn't work for you.  When and if you meet someone and want to start a family you'll be a good caring partner and father.  Its like a Chinese restaurant menu where you get to pick what you want to make the best dinner for yourself.  

 

Your question about being transgender is not simple as each of us have reasons and varying levels of discomfort and/or dysphoria.  

 

Questioning is good and a valid thing to do.  

 

Jani

[DenimAndLace]

@TiaMaria Are you asking if we think you should transition???  That's a hard question for any of us to answer because we don't have all the information.  Only you do.  However, I will say (with hesitation) judging by what you've wrote, you don't seem like someone who'd be happy after transition.  It's not an outfit that you can toss out without consequence if you don't like it and there's a lot of things you said without much conviction, that makes me think you aren't very sure yet.  My advise for anyone with gender identity questions has always been to NOT transition unless you MUST transition.  It should be your last resort.  I also think there are those who WANT to be the opposite gender and there are those who know themselves to BE the "opposite" gender.  Unless you're one of the latter, I think there is a very high likelihood that you'll regret transition.

 

What if, instead of transition, you try some easily reversible things?  You could shave body hair, grow you hair out, trim your eyebrows, try little bits of makeup, pierce your ears, dress androgynously or even feminine, try a new name, ask for different pronouns, paint your nails and so on.  If those things make you feel better, maybe you should consult with a gender therapist.  If that goes well, you might try hormone replacement.  ...Some of the best advice I got during transition was, "don't overshoot your target", meaning do as little as you can to feel better.  With each step you take, you'll know whether or not it's right for you.  Start with the things that can be undone and move slowly to the things that are irreversible.  I wish you the best and peace of mind no matter what you choose to do. 
 

[JBfox]

 When I first started about transitioning I saw a lot of things I felt like I could relate too, but I was also having a hard time picturing myself living a new life. When it came to planning for transition I always told myself that I would medically transition and them socially do so as I've felt comfortable. There's no for sure way you have to transition. Do what feels comfortable if you decide it's something you want to tackle. At almost a year on HRT, I've been brave enough to tell the majority of my family and friends, but I'm still not full time. If anything right now I gender bend. You don't have to jump right on in. I think it's okay to get you feet wet, and sit for awhile before hand.

 

 The experiences of Cis and Trans people are different. I think trying to compare the two, or say that one is mightier than the other is... well it's not black and white. A trans woman is a woman, and a trans man is a man. They just grew up differently that the typical up comings of their Cis counter parts. There are Cis people who feel uncomfortable around Trans people, whatever their reasoning, but the talking point you use about woman and woman spaces is usually dialogue from TERF (Trans exclusionary radical feminists) and they're definitely not the majority when it comes to their ideals, and I don't think their ideals should influence how you chose to live.

 

Take your time, figuring things out for yourself, and become comfortable with yourself. Consider you might be non-binary or gender nonconforming. There's no rush. There's tons of things to learn here and elsewhere on the WWW. I hope you're able to find what works best for you. 

-Valyn

[Jani]

20 minutes ago, DenimAndLace said:

do as little as you can to feel better.

 

17 minutes ago, JBfox said:

Take your time, figuring things out for yourself, and become comfortable with yourself.

 

Two bits of good advice! 

 

Jani

[Kirsten]

Hi Tia.

It really seems like you still have a lot of thinking to do before making any sort of decision about this one way or the other. You still have so many excuses as to why not to transition. That for me is a sign that you aren’t ready. You have much more to explore. 

For me transitioning isn’t something to try. I’ve gotten to where I am by trying all the other options. Literally all of them. And more than once. There came a point for me when I just didn’t want to fight that fight anymore. And I realized I am just me. And that’s awesome! That’s when I knew. 

Let it come to you. Don’t rush it. It’s a crazy process. One that I used to hate. But honestly, the longer I’m on this tilt a whirl the more I think I wouldn’t change it for the world. 

Kirsten

 

[BrandiBri]

Hi Tia,

Have you considered Talking to a gender therapist? I found that being able to talk to someone that understands and is not judgmental was a turning point in my transition. You do need to do a lot of soul searching before you decide which way you want to go. 

1 hour ago, Kirsten said:

Don’t rush it. It’s a crazy process.

I agree, understanding who you are and trying to sort through all the emotions can be a lengthy process. You are not in a race. but a marathon. Do take your time and I wish you the best of luck.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Laura Beth]

2 hours ago, BrandiBri said:

You do need to do a lot of soul searching before you decide which way you want to go. 

 

I whole heartily agree with this that it takes a lot of soul searching. It does also help to talk to someone who won't judge and give reliable advice to help you along. Before I came out to my now ex-wife I did lots of soul searching and talked to a counselor able my issues. She was not a gender therapist but someone I was comfortable with to talk about it. That was back in 2012 and I have been taking it slowly to proceed. 

 

Laura Beth 

[tracy_j]

Hi Tia,

 

I agree with the advice given above. If you are unsure then speak to a gender therapist. Beware of general reporting in the press.  The vast majority of cis women who I come across do not feel threatened by trans people. Some of my best friends are now women. They are helpful and friendly. Male friends are trickier, but casual friendship still works.

 

From your perspective, I probably live in the area that you are worrying about. More generally non-binary than fully transexual. So much so that I seldom use the term 'transexual' outside of this forum, and then only as a term that most people would understand if they are questioning. It is tricky to live in the void, but can work, so don't fear that if you start to transition there is an endpoint of fully female. I am not a man. I am not fully a woman either. I am essentially both, as I am a father as well as a mother. Daily living is something that needs careful thought as it is easier to be accepted as either fully male or fully female. That said I wear fully female clothes almost all of the time, and am accepted as female by some and male by others (generally people I have known from wayback). A lot depends on where you live, how safe it is etc. but it can and does seem to work. It just takes confidence, and a friendly approach.

 

Take things slowly and get to know yourself. We all have fears, and even so cis men and women worry about how real they really are.

 

Tracy

[TiaMaria]

Hey everyone. Sorry it’s been a few days. Thank you for all your earlier replies, but I did have some follow up questions for you:

 

On ‎5‎/‎7‎/‎2018 at 8:19 PM, DenimAndLace said:

My advise for anyone with gender identity questions has always been to NOT transition unless you MUST transition.  It should be your last resort.  I also think there are those who WANT to be the opposite gender and there are those who know themselves to BE the "opposite" gender.  Unless you're one of the latter, I think there is a very high likelihood that you'll regret transition.

 

I understand what you are saying. To be honest, it feels like I am getting painfully close to the point of “MUST Transition”. I don’t want it to get any closer to that point. And also, how am I gonna know if transition is right for me unless I try to transition?

 

On ‎5‎/‎7‎/‎2018 at 8:01 PM, Jani said:

If you have dreams that are important, that mean you remain a guy, that's OK too.

 

As for this point, I could have used my words differently. I wouldn’t say being a father is a dream, but it would be something nice to experience. I always see how good relationships can be between a father and daughter, and I wanted to be that person for somebody, if that makes sense. In actuality though, I don’t know if that’ll happen the way I see it in my head. I honestly don’t have many other thought as far as parenthood and I never really took much of an interest in it. I’m not really the best with children. I also think about it a lot in relation to something like this:

https://www.reddit.com/r/MtF/comments/8i2ouo/anyone_else_had_an_imaginary_girlfriend_or/

 

On ‎5‎/‎7‎/‎2018 at 8:23 PM, JBfox said:

Take your time, figuring things out for yourself, and become comfortable with yourself. Consider you might be non-binary or gender nonconforming. There's no rush.

 

I thought about it a lot, and I may be something closer to this. I’d hope to get to a point where I could see myself as a woman all the time, but when I see myself now, all I see is a guy. I guess I’m still a WIP.

Also, whenever I think about not transitioning, I think of this:

https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/88t6sg/some_tips_from_a_58_years_old_dying_trans_woman/

Thank You again for any more advice or anything.

[Jani]

Like I and others have said you have to weigh the pluses and minuses with your true desire to transition.  We can all see reasons to remain as we are but does it make good sense?  That is the question.  A good line I heard early on was "Which pain is worse?"  What do you want from life?  Each direction has its headaches and joys.

 

Jani

[Terry]

Hi Tia,

 

I think I don't have much to contribute that others haven't already said, but I'll still try to put it in my own words, coming from someone who is very new to all this.

 

It's really not about what you hope or want - it's about what you are, in all honesty. Being honest to yourself is not easy. When it comes to what I would like to be - that's terribly easy: a straight cis person, no matter if man or woman, because that would be so much easier. But I'm an asexual non-binary person instead. The asexual part I understand and appreciate by now, but gender is really new to me. On the one hand I'm happy that I've made the first step in being more like my true self, but on the other hand I'd rather do other things than thinking about this, if only I could. I've been doing some serious work over the past few months to figure myself out more, and I'm convinced there's much, much more to do.

 

There are lots of things you can do to get an idea of transitioning without actually doing it. I've been wearing women's clothes, mostly at home, but some less obvious ones also outside. I've tried what it feels like to walk around with clear nail varnish, tried to get an idea if people notice this kind of thing and if so, how they react. I've even bought breast forms to find out what they feel like. Some of these things are fun, others quite frankly scary. But I want to follow through, because I can't see how I should ever fully understand myself without doing this serious work.

 

Hope this helps or at least gives you some food for thought.

 

Terry

[MarcieMarie12]

Hi Tia, just to add my thoughts on this:

 

1. As others noted, be honest with yourself.

2. Transition is not the same for everyone, it does not always end in HRT or SRS. Do what you need to do, don't do anything just because somebody else did it or it is what is expected. 

3. Take your time. This is not a race, there is no rush.