Genderfluidity sucks

[Aro]

I figure i'm genderfluid although it might be something else but i'll stick with that namesake for now and i absolutely hate it. I can't really come to embrace my genderfluidity because it doesn't feel like femal me male me no gender me and both gender me it feels like i'm a trans male who's contantly stuck on the "surgery or no surgery?" question constantly flattening my chest and thinking i should just hack them off (matter of speach, i'd, of course, get that done by a professinal if i ever did." but the next minute i kind of hold off on the idea finding myself to e not as repulsed by them as i was thirty seconds ago. It's constant flip-flop between self lov and hatred and absolute confusion as i try to fit myself somewhere, anywhere really but can't. I, in all honesty, do wish i was born with a male body and could be genderfluid that way since i feel masculine more often than i feel feminine anyway but because i'm a female i have to kinda sit through it and wonder about surgery and expenses and possible regret from getting it done. It's not like i want to have children anyway, i plan to adopt, but even if that changed i don't plan on doing bottom surgery just top and there's breast food formula i could use. I just wish i could land on something i wanted and be sure about it rather than this wobbily back and forth between the two. It's getting really tiring and stressful to look in the mirror nowadays and i just want it to stop and finally feel fully happy with myself.

[Timber Wolf]

Ho Aro,

A piece of advice I was given early on that helped me was to slow down a bit and not be in a big hurry to put a label on myself. It takes time to get a clear understanding of who we truly are. Perhaps you might consider a gender therapist to help in this. They won't tell you what gender catagory you are, but will help guide you in finding that yourself and finding self acceotance in it.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Aro]

30 minutes ago, Timber Wolf said:

Ho Aro,

A piece of advice I was given early on that helped me was to slow down a bit and not be in a big hurry to put a label on myself. It takes time to get a clear understanding of who we truly are. Perhaps you might consider a gender therapist to help in this. They won't tell you what gender catagory you are, but will help guide you in finding that yourself and finding self acceotance in it.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

3

Thanks, i'll definately try and slow my pace it's just a little hard to do. I already have a therapist who knows a lot about this stuff because she's counseled other people about it i just never thought of bringing it up with her but i'll try next session. Thank you for the advice, i appreciate it :).

[Jani]

Yes I would certainly bring this up with your therapist.  

 

I have to ask, why do you say it sucks?   The reason I ask is because others embrace it.  Do you feel you need to have a "home" in one gender or the other?  If you want to lean one way or the other, experiment with gender cues that will put you in the mindset.  If it is because you're uncertain, a therapist is the best direction.  As Timber Wolf alluded, you will ultimately provide the answer but a good therapist will guide you and declutter the process.

 

Jani 

[tracy_j]

Speaking as one permanently in your position, I can say that I just live with it. There are good times and there are bad. The thing to do is to relax and let things take their course. Obviously most people see either male or female, but times are steadily changing. You are not alone with your feelings. There are a number of people here, but I suspect very very many more in the outside world. It's a case of being careful, but yet enjoying rather than hating.

 

Tracy

[VickySGV]

Your goal on all of this is just to be you!!  Nothing you mentioned will hurt you or really do more than just miff some people, although they will whine about what you have done to them!!  You did not do it to them, they kicked a brick knowing it was not a pillow and now yell about their toe hurting.  Even 5 years after GCS I find myself in fluid periods although mine do not go as far into my old male identity as I once tried to go.  I have male likes as to some (30%) of my activities, but it was only 40% ever at its best.  My outlook on life though is 75% into more typical female, where it had been less.  I had those behaviors before and was afraid of them and allowed others to shame me about them, but today I embrace and celebrate them as much as I can.  None of us is 100% one gender or another on all points if we are honest.  There are a whole lot of people in the world who are afraid of that honesty.