New and not completely out yet

[Willow]

Hi, my name is Willow. i have only recently admitted to anyone that I am unhappy and have been confused for many years.  My therapist says too many.  Like others here, I did the manly thing all my life to now.  I would delve into my feminine needs from time to time but only privately.  Then I would panic and drop it only to need to try again.  

 

I finally made the leap, and met a therapist after I didn't come out to my doctor when I had planned to a few months ago.  I am still seeing the therapist, but he has questioned why I waited so long, and has sent me back to my doctor to request MTF HRT.  My appointment is scheduled.  I am both excited and nervous about it.

 

I have come out to my wife, which went as well as I had hoped but we still have a long way to go.  After going through a list of 1000 names I narrowed it to 6 then 2 before deciding I am Willow. 

 

I'll be looking to others for encouragement and how things went for them once they decided to become the person they new they had to become.  Also, what happened as they took my next step to hormones.  

 

No pictures yet, but they will come eventually.

 

Willow

[MaryEllen]

Hello Willow,

Welcome to TransPulse. Thank you for sharing with us. Feel free to respond to others posts and add your own topics.

 

MaryEllen

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Willow.  Most of us have been where you are, and know the difficulties, the anxiety, the questions, and yes, the joys.  We'll be here for you.  Ask all the questions you can think of, and if you don't want to ask in public, PM a Moderator or Admin (after your 5 posts) and we are happy to help.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

Hello Willow and welcome to the forum.  You are certainly not alone.  We've all been where you are in one manner or another.  That's nice that your wife didn't panic but as you say you will have a ways to go for her, and you too, to come to an understanding about where this takes you both.  Many of us have our stories here on the forum and we are here to support each other.  Please ask any questions you have and we'll do our best to address them.

 

Jani

[Charlize]

Welcome Willow.  I'm glad you've joined us.  My early days were certainly not easy but for me it was well worth the effort.  Reading the posts of others and posting of my own setbacks and accomplishments helped me a great deal.  Hope you find the same.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Willow,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[BrandiBri]

Hi Willow, welcome and as others have said before, "pull up a chair, pour a cup of coffee and join the conversation". You have many kind and supportive friends here.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[tracy_j]

Hi Willow,

 

Welcome ?

 

Tracy

[Willow]

Thanks everyone.  I appreciate all the words of encouragement and welcome.

[Willow]

I've been communicating with my doctor in advance of my appointment with him.  I will get my blood tests done next week.  He and my therapist have talked so that should all make it easier for me when we meet. I find that now that I've started addressing my needs, I want it to move forward faster.  Every time something happens that moves this forward, I find myself smiling in an intensity I haven't had for years.  

 

I've told my wife she can come to the appointment with me but that I don't think she will be happy with the things being discussed.  Even though she knows about me, she isn't happy about it.  She hasn't said but I doubt she will accompany me.   Just like we've done throughout years we've been together, we avoid talking about things that are uncomfortable or controversial.  That has certainly made this difficult for me in the past.  And more so now since there are things I'd like to do or will need help with, and I don't think I can get that help from her.  How things progress will dictate when I will tell my son and daughter.  My son is taking me on a trip sometime this summer so I will have to tell him by then that means I will also have to tell my daughter about the same time.  We are scattered and don't get together so It will have to be one at a time. 

 

Willow

[Jani]

Hey Willow thats great that you've been able to coordinate with your doctor and therapist.   It always seems easier to bury things and not communicate when things get hard but it is better to talk and get any issue in the open.  I would certainly start to consider how you will inform your children.  This is a good thing to talk with your wife about. 

 

Jani 

[Lady Ayu]

Hello Willow!! And Welcome!!

 

I just joined this site a few days ago but let me tell you, the outpouring or love and support from the other members is amazing. My situation is similar  in the fact that I also recently declared to myself that I'm transgender and I haven't come out to many people yet. You're ahead of me in having a therapist though; I'm scared and dragging my feet on it... anyways it's great to have you!! Looking forward to seeing and hearing more of your journey ;3c

 

~Mayumi ~

[Willow]

For me the first person I admitted to was myself and the second was my therapist.  Finding and talking to my therapist was a great relief for me.  I unloaded a huge burden.  I haven’t been this happy in years.  I hope you are able to find one you can talk to soon.  

 

Willow

[Willow]

Well one more step was taken towards my rebirth today.  I had my blood drawn at the doctors office.  Now, when I meet with him next week there shouldn’t be anything to delay getting my prescriptions.  My emotions are on a roller coaster.  I haven’t been this happy in years, yet I am also apprehensive.  I’m making a big change in my life.  Even though I know it’s what I need to do for me, I also know it isn’t going to be easy for family, friends and neighbors to understand.  

[bobbisue]

     Hi Willow I certainly understand the roller coaster strap in hold on and keep your hands and feet in the car at all times transition is full of ups and downs but entirely worth the trip I wish you the best the greatest advice I can give you is patience is one of the most important things in this whole experience I have been on this road for over 3 years and am nowhere near my destination just enjoying the ride and hanging on for dear life when things get hard. This can be the most challenging thing you ever do but it is the most rewarding as well the prize is you 

 

     Bobbisue☺️

[Noel L.]

You can be new and not out, but you know who you are. Good luck Willow. Plus be scared of Chuck Norris. Everyone is.

[Willow]

So here is my update.  I decided to slow down.  This is in large part to the reaction from my wife when she understood what I was talking about doing.  Since then I have met with my therapist a couple of times and with my doctor.  My doctor agreed to meet with both my wife and me to try to explain what is going on to her.

 

while she was still upset, she has at least started asking questions and talking about it with me.

 

i have also told both of our adult children.  I think that helped my wife accept that this is not going to change, and that I am not just in a phase.

 

yesterday we took our visiting granddaughter to play miniature golf.  I intentionally picked a pink ball.  Nothing was said until this morning.  My wife said she had a dream about me.  I was wearing a blue and white dress and pearls.  And that I looked good.  She said she thought the pink ball prompted her dream.  

 

Willow

 

 

[Kirsten]

Hey Willow, 

it sounds like you are doing well. Remember that whatever pace you choose is the correct pace. Your experience will be yours and only yours. As long as you are happy with it, it will work out. 

From the experience I’ve had with my wife I’d say you are on target there too. I think that my wife supports me and wants me to do what makes me happy because she cares so much for me. Even if it isn’t what’s best for her. It’s very difficult to read exactly where that “too much” line is. She won’t tell me unless it’s way too far. Lol. Just be mindful of her experience as well. Not only you will transition. Everyone you know will as well. Finding that balance is important. 

❤️Kirsten