What am I?

[Katie]

That's such an excellent question.

 

Here's my story.

 

I had no dyspohria growing up at all. 

I liked to wear tights and knickers around 13-16 buy I that was solely for sexual purposes.

I did put on foundation once at around 13 and got caught which I played off as dirt.

I never liked dolls and I built dens and climbed trees.

 

I'm 34 now and in my late 20's I dreamt of how I would look as a female, I was 30 when I bought my first dress and makeup kit and instantly realised that I want to look like that all the time. 

 

So after a few years passed and a relationship came and went, I decided to say "f it" and go full on. Full body shave,  wig, makeup, knickers, bra, dress, heels and I liked it.

There was nothing sexual about it, I just loved how I looked.

 

So that got me thinking, okay I'm a crossdresser and that's okay.

 

So I keep on looking and from what I can see is crossdressers are happy to dress up female for whatever reason but have a desire to be men and still think they are male.

 

I just want to be able to wear dresses and makeup and a wig when I want to with no stigma attached.

 

In the last few years I have gone from not caring at all about my gender to strongly hating how I look as a man.

 

I'm a tad overweight and I hear guys tell me I should do weights and get muscular. But I don't want to be muscular, I want to have a female body and a female face and no body hair.

I don't want to have a square jaw and a big penis, I want a cute face and as for my penis,  well honestly I hold no special attachment to it. 

It pees, it brings me pleasure from masturbating and sex but if it was gone in the morning and I had a vagina then I am happy with that.

 

So why my confusion? 

1. NO dysphoria growing up at all.

 

2. The dysphoria I have now is solely down to my body image and nothing mental. 

I am a huge mental mess but I LIKE who I am and I do not want to change that.

 

In my ideal world, I would wake up tomorrow with a woman body with exactly the same brain I have now. 

 

I know I need to speak to specialists and stuff and private ones are too expensive and the UK waiting list is longer than my arm.

 

So, I'm asking you lovely lot...what the hell am I?

[Charlize]

  First of all i would be like a little finger on that long arm of the medical system's list.  It may be that the wait will grow totally frustrating but it doesn't hurt to be in line.

I had spent many days living as myself in area where i wouldn't be seen by friends or relatives.  as i did that i found a great deal of comfort in simply being myself.  when i finally began to tell some friends i was ready for  that process.  Eventually i found this site.  prior to that the only sites i had seen on the internet seemed to be aimed at some form of sexual exploitation which simply wasn't for me.

  I was told to go to therapy.  Share here and perhaps most importantly that i wasn't alone.  It has taken time to accept myself.  I may not have the perfect woman's body or perfect man's mind but the mixture i've found is who i am and i am accepting that today with a peace i had never thought possible.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[Cyndee]

25 minutes ago, Katie said:

So, I'm asking you lovely lot...what the hell am I?

 

Short answer, Human,

 

Honestly nobody can tell you who or what you are from a few paragraphs of text over the Internet. Having said that...

 

From what you wrote, I can say you are probably experiencing later in life onset of Gender Dysphoria, it can be a real problem,  it can get worse and lead to depression or other more serious conditions if untreated. So what can you do about it ? All the things you already mentioned. It can be treated medically (that's the way I went). Gender Dysphoria often can have 2 main elements to it, social and body. Sounds like you are experiencing body dysphoria from what you wrote, but don't forget about social role dysphoria. Social role gender dysphoria can be just as nasty, like trying to live as a man when you are not, it's the worst. Finding peace with one's self is what we all strive for, to resolve the dissonance, to find harmony in the world with our existence. It takes time to resolve these things, it takes actions, not just words. There is no shame in exploring one's self in these topics. We are bombarded with gendered messages when forming our view of the world, it's up to you to sort through this noise, to find what works for you on the spectrum.

 

Wishing you peace

 

Cyndi

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Although I have had dysphoria from the young age of 9 and started to obsess about transitioning at 14 I have found from being on this forum and the trans community in Vancouver, my profile in that regards is only a sliver of the community I have come to know.

The only thing that my early knowledge might have given me was that I was never required to see a gender therapist. It was obvious who I was so I was moved along without a fuss even though I was not presenting overtly.

Cheers Rachel Gia