Mum of mtf - advice needed!

[MamaBear]

Hi all, thanks for having me! I'm mum to a 20 year old mtf. She's 'out' to friends and family and everyone has been really supportive. Unfortunately she suffers with severe contamination OCD and has developed addictions to weed and alcohol. I've given up work to care for her. We don't exactly live in the kind of area where she would be accepted if she were to wear a dress and as I was a teacher in a local secondary school, most of the local kids know my children. Her hair is really matted as she hasn't brushed it for months and she is talking about going for a complete buzz crop. She's also expressed interest in buying a dress to wear at home ??. We are on the waiting list for the GI clinic but we're looking at a 14 month wait. ? She's unable to work due the OCD and is on incapacity benefits. She's really really down at the moment and her art therapist called the dr as she was expressing suicidal thoughts (again).

 

I guess I'm looking for advice about how to support her. Please feel free to offer any suggestions/advice...

 

thanks

MamaBear x

[SugarMagnolia]

It sounds like you're already doing a pretty darn good job of supporting her MamaBear. Kudos to you for that! It's a hard thing for parents to go through, too. I'm sorry that she's having such a hard time right now. ❤️

Do the two of you attend any support groups? It can be very affirming to spend time around peers that are going through or have gone through similar things.

I would definitely encourage her to present as female at home as much as she's comfortable with. Everyone's experience is different, but when I was hiding in guy mode for many, many years my interest in self-care was minimal. I started taking much more interest in my health and hygiene once I began presenting as female even just a little bit. Perhaps the hair matting is an expression of something similar? I know it can be difficult to be visible in your area, but perhaps things like under dressing, toenail polish when wearing closed toed shoes and a skin care regime might help?

Would she consider joining us here? There's a lot of great support available for everything from presentation to addiction to depression and she might find solace in sharing with our community.

Best,
Julie

[VickySGV]

If she is having trouble with her personal grooming, then actually, the buzz cut is showing up on a good portion of my young Queer / Trans / Non-binary friends.  Many of them use a temporary hair color rinse, and it makes for a cheerful look.  That could be her step in the fight against dysphoria although according to what you say there could be some social issues in the neighborhood.  I will also give an up-check to her getting a "house dress" and as long as it is not giving you eyestrain, then it can be fine.  A skirt that can go with any other tops she has will also fit their bill.  

 

38 minutes ago, MamaBear said:

severe contamination OCD

 

I am not sure what this type of OCD entails, but I am guessing from your context, that it means she will not really keep herself groomed or clean as often as the rest of us do.  I do not have sufficient information on how the POT affects any OCD, but the alcohol is an absolute no-win disaster from my personal experience and that of many of my friends IRL.  She is however an individual and alcohol abuse is an individual issue and she is the one who needs to see it is a bad choice.

 

From what I read here of your parenting, it is on the right track and you are doing the right thing and asking the right questions that a loving and concerned parent would do.  I have a 38 year old child that has sever Behavioral Health issues and I can share some of the feelings that go into that issue.

[SugarMagnolia]

I looked it up, Vicky:
"Contamination OCD is a well-known subset of OCD whereby sufferers are terrified that they might become contaminated by germs or get sick. 25% of OCD sufferers in the U.S. have it, and it’s the most common subset of OCD in the world."

[MamaBear]

12 minutes ago, SugarMagnolia said:

It sounds like you're already doing a pretty darn good job of supporting her MamaBear. Kudos to you for that! It's a hard thing for parents to go through, too. I'm sorry that she's having such a hard time right now. ❤️

Do the two of you attend any support groups? It can be very affirming to spend time around peers that are going through or have gone through similar things.

I would definitely encourage her to present as female at home as much as she's comfortable with. Everyone's experience is different, but when I was hiding in guy mode for many, many years my interest in self-care was minimal. I started taking much more interest in my health and hygiene once I began presenting as female even just a little bit. Perhaps the hair matting is an expression of something similar? I know it can be difficult to be visible in your area, but perhaps things like under dressing, toenail polish when wearing closed toed shoes and a skin care regime might help?

Would she consider joining us here? There's a lot of great support available for everything from presentation to addiction to depression and she might find solace in sharing with our community.

Best,
Julie

Thank you

[MamaBear]

Sorry, not very good at replying correctly yet!  Thanks SugarMagnolia, we don't attend any support groups - it's quite difficult to get her out of the house. 

 

Its really interesting thing that you've mentioned you've  take better care as you transitioned - makes logical sense really (why didn't I think of that!)

 

The nail polish idea is a great idea too.  I'll make some suggestions. Any advice on buying dresses? She's 5'9, and very slender...

 

Thanks again,

 

MB X 

 

 

 

[MamaBear]

Thanks Vicky, 

 

thats really useful to know - I had been encouraging her to let me comb it through with lots of conditioner and oils but due to the contamination issues she won't let me near it. ?

 

The OCD is an odd one to explain, it started off with excessive showering/hand-washing to dissipate the unwanted thoughts which relate to me and her sister (sexual aggression) which she'd never do. It's now gone completely the other way so she barely showers but is continuing with the hand washing.

 

MB x

 

[SugarMagnolia]

1 hour ago, MamaBear said:

Sorry, not very good at replying correctly yet!  Thanks SugarMagnolia, we don't attend any support groups - it's quite difficult to get her out of the house. 

I understand. A lot of us have been in those periods where it's just hard to feel like going out. Please do invite her here if you think it would be helpful

 

1 hour ago, MamaBear said:

The nail polish idea is a great idea too.  I'll make some suggestions. Any advice on buying dresses? She's 5'9, and very slender...

It's hard to know what she might be comfortable with, but maybe encourage her to find images online of women with similar body types that she finds fashionable? If she can identify what sorts of styles she likes then shopping online can be a fun activity that you might even be able to do together.

Maybe you could start with some basics like going though the basic body shapes (apple, pear, rectangle, inverted triangle, or whatever shape names they're using today) and then talk about what her shape is like? Of course, this can all be overwhelming, but I'm just thinking about introducing her to a process of looking for clothes that narrows things down a bit. Otherwise, it can be discouraging to find things that look great on someone else but don't fit properly on her. Sheath dresses would probably look great on her if she's tall and thin.
 

[MamaBear]

Great, thank you! I have sent her a link to a website for different body shapes. I've a very similar shape (tall, straight and slender with zero butt!) although I do have boobs - that's the bit we're struggling with shopping-wise. Xxx

[SugarMagnolia]

If the hard part is flat chested-ness, she might consider a little boob "enhancement "if that would help with shopping and/or her feeling more comfortable. There are breast forms available in a variety of sizes and prices, but even just stuffing with tissue or socks could help. Bra sizing can be a little difficult to figure out at first, too, so that's another possible discussion.

I'm really impressed with how supportive you are. Your daughter is lucky to have you helping her!

[BrandiBri]

You might consider woman's pants and t- shirts. They can be worn outside without people noticing. Allowing her to wear dresses in the house might be a catalyst to take better care of herself. I remember not taking care of myself before coming out because, in my own mind, I didn't want to appear "girly".

I feel that you are a "super mum" to be so supportive. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[tracy_j]

9 hours ago, MamaBear said:

Great, thank you! I have sent her a link to a website for different body shapes. I've a very similar shape (tall, straight and slender with zero butt!) although I do have boobs - that's the bit we're struggling with shopping-wise. Xxx

 

I buy bras online which have some padding. No high street stockist stocks anything anywhere near my size. They are all I find I need to give a bit of feminine form. I am not on HRT or had surgery so have a basically original male shape. The company I use is Dainty Lady https://www.daintylady.co.uk/

They have bras for the smaller woman in cup sizes of AAAA to large band sizes. There are other companies around as well. Prices are higher than the supermarkets, but well in keeping with the better brands. I personally use the non wired variety and find them very comfortable. The padding is removable so can be made less obvious (even though they are not very) if required.

 

Personally I have avoided breast enhancements, realising that many women have small breasts anyway, and I prefer to be me. I prefer to feel confident in what I am wearing, as it makes me more confident. I sew a little so have fitted bikini pads in some things in the past but that is an exception, mostly related to swimsuits.

 

My (probably not unusual) issue is that of being generally broader across the shoulders. That make sizing a bit of a problem as I can be anything from a 12 to a 16 for different things, Stretch dresses tend to be better, but skirts are far more versatile. You will probably be just of aware of that though.

 

Tracy

[Clara84]

"Cannabis, cannabidiol and THC are studied and marginally prescribed for OCD" (source : wikipedia french)

[MamaBear]

11 hours ago, BrandiBri said:

You might consider woman's pants and t- shirts. They can be worn outside without people noticing. Allowing her to wear dresses in the house might be a catalyst to take better care of herself. I remember not taking care of myself before coming out because, in my own mind, I didn't want to appear "girly".

I feel that you are a "super mum" to be so supportive. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

Thank you! It's interesting how many people say that starting to dress more female helped with the self-care. Thank you for your help ?

[MamaBear]

8 hours ago, tracy_j said:

 

I buy bras online which have some padding. No high street stockist stocks anything anywhere near my size. They are all I find I need to give a bit of feminine form. I am not on HRT or had surgery so have a basically original male shape. The company I use is Dainty Lady https://www.daintylady.co.uk/

They have bras for the smaller woman in cup sizes of AAAA to large band sizes. There are other companies around as well. Prices are higher than the supermarkets, but well in keeping with the better brands. I personally use the non wired variety and find them very comfortable. The padding is removable so can be made less obvious (even though they are not very) if required.

 

Personally I have avoided breast enhancements, realising that many women have small breasts anyway, and I prefer to be me. I prefer to feel confident in what I am wearing, as it makes me more confident. I sew a little so have fitted bikini pads in some things in the past but that is an exception, mostly related to swimsuits.

 

My (probably not unusual) issue is that of being generally broader across the shoulders. That make sizing a bit of a problem as I can be anything from a 12 to a 16 for different things, Stretch dresses tend to be better, but skirts are far more versatile. You will probably be just of aware of that though.

 

Tracy

This is really useful, Tracy! Thank you - I'll have a look at the website. I think you look just wonderful as you are. ?

[MamaBear]

11 hours ago, BrandiBri said:

You might consider woman's pants and t- shirts. They can be worn outside without people noticing. Allowing her to wear dresses in the house might be a catalyst to take better care of herself. I remember not taking care of myself before coming out because, in my own mind, I didn't want to appear "girly".

I feel that you are a "super mum" to be so supportive. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

Thank you, Brandi ?

[MamaBear]

3 hours ago, Clara84 said:

"Cannabis, cannabidiol and THC are studied and marginally prescribed for OCD" (source : wikipedia french)

She was in a MH hospital for 4 weeks last year and was treated by the professor who writes papers for the World Health Organisation on OCD and he said that she smoked so much that it was having an adverse affect on her MH issues. I appreciate that it can help with relaxing but not at the rate she smokes. X

[Annie]

I know this has already been said by others, but it's true that my trans son's hygiene vastly improved when he started transitioning. It also helped a lot with his other mental health issues. I am guessing that is due at least in part to them being exacerbated by the anxiety of dysphoria. More and more, I wonder if he would have any of the issues he has with anxiety if it weren't for the years of being so confused about what was happening in his body. Now, his anxiety intensifies and he goes through what seems to be a mini depression every month when he has his period. I'm not sure what the MTF version of this is? But it seems like there is probably something.

 

It's hard to even begin to process and understand all that these kids are going through.

[jo jo]

its tough for both of you and i bet the future will be much brighter for both of you its ok im mtf and i get periods aswell not the bleeding obviously but mood swings and bloating every month lol

[Aiyanna]

These situations are always rough. It's sometimes easier as a loved one to distance yourself from the situation and write it off as something else, but you're not doing that. I started crying when reading how supportive you are and all that you're doing for your child. I commend you for sticking by her through these troubled times. I think all of the best advice has been given, so there's not much else I can say. I just wanted to hammer in the point that you're doing an amazing job and I have a good feeling that this situation will turn around if she's able to present a little. 

Best of luck to you ❤️
Aiy

[MamaBear]

You guys are all amazing! Thank you so much for all your advice. The dress has arrived, it's red, she hasn't shown me yet but it's been a pretty OK weekend. Xxx

[SugarMagnolia]

Keep up the good work, MamaBear. I know it's hard, but the kind of support you're providing is priceless. ❤️

Glad the weekend is going well!

[BrandiBri]

I hope that lifts her spirits, and I agree your support is invaluable. ❤️

[MamaBear]

Ok, so not a great week. Started with attempted OD on Monday night. Have been to A and E, bloods tested and ECG. Drs have changed his OCD mess and diazepam prescribed - all under lock and key.  The Drs called the GI clinic (we're still on the waiting list) and they called us, pardon my language but they were effing useless. Told us within seconds of my explanation of what had happened that it's likely to prolong the time we'll have to wait - currently another 8-14 months (we've already waited a year... 

 

So, I'm going to sell up and go private with the equity - advice on private clinics is needed please...

 

much love, 

 

Mama Bear x

[MamaBear]

Sorry, 'her' - I'm frazzled X