Hey

[AAananonimity]

Hi, 

I joined this forum to have people to talk to about my feelings towards gender identity. Let’s just say I’m conflicted.

 

Im a 22 y/o Dad, still with the mom. Proud as a peacock of my family and the little one we’ve grown. I work in the oil field, make a decent living, and have a nice home. Everything seems dandy. 

 

But im left with constant ups and downs thoughts of my identity. Really I feel like the only thing pulling me towards masculinity at times is my circle of family and friends. At other times I’m very proud to fulfill a fatherly role and be a man. Being a Dad makes this pressure so much harder.

 

The thing is iv always loved my feminine side and it’s only getting harder and harder to carry that through in my personality and daily life being a new Dad. There is a huge part of me that wants to be a woman. But I’m absolutely terrified of bringing these feelings up to anyone I know in person. 

 

A few close people know that iv always had an even split of male and female energy, my wife knows (i told her this). Upon telling her She responded with “that’s one of my main attractions towards you, iv had boyfriends in the past who are far to feminine and has called me the perfect balance for her”. Which is something I’m afraid to disrupt by furthering the conversation of my gender identity. She knows iv tried on her clothes while she’s away and taken pictures of my self all dolled up, and the shame iv felt as my dressing up ties into sexual arousal. But that’s the extent of it. She only knows I did it once as I was afraid she had seen the photos on my phone. so enivitably I came clean.

 

I think about just starting HRT in the closet and seeing how I feel a lot. Wondering if that’ll push me into the confidence I need to be more forward on the topic. 

 

Id say my biggest fear though is coming out, trying it and having it not be for me. Having it have disastrous consequences on my personal life and friendships. I’m so conflicted as a young father. ? 

 

so if anyone out there has advice I’m all ears and am Sorry if this doesn’t fall under the intended purpose of the forum or I posted in the wrong place.

 

thank you

 

 

 

[SugarMagnolia]

Welcome to the forums, AAanonimity! You're in the right place. ?

All of our journeys are unique. It sounds like your have a great family and a good situation, so that's a great place from which to start. I'm sure you will get a lot of great wisdom from others here. I'll keep mine short and sweet:

1) Find a gender therapist to discuss this with. A good therapist can be tremendously helpful in sorting through all the things you're feeling and dealing with some of the conflicting emotions about who you are and what's important to you. 

2) Go at your own pace and give yourself permission to think about what's possible without shame or guilt or worry. We all carry lots of fears and responsibilities on our shoulders and it's important to give ourselves space to explore feelings/emotions/identities. A therapist can help with that, but you need to allow yourself some freedom too.

This is also a great space to express what you're thinking and understand that you're not alone and than many of us have been in similar situations. 

Easy does it!
Julie

 

[Aiyanna]

Hi, and welcome to the forums! 

First off, I want to say you are very brave to come here, seeking advice and telling us about your situation. It's not always easy to come clean, even if something is eating at you for a long time and I commend that. I can tell you definitely have a lot of conflicting feelings. I'm going to completely agree to what SugarMagnolia said. A gender therapist will be your absolute best bet in figuring out exactly what's going on.

There are so many people with loads of life experience and different stories and backgrounds here, but even with all of our advice and guidance and stories, the answer rests inside of you, not us. A therapist can help you unlock and realize exactly who you really are. But don't let that discourage you from talking with us and sharing. We may be able to help as well, I just strongly advise against using us as a replacement for a therapist. 

I don't want to really say anything that will feel like it's pushing you in one direction or the other, but if you do realize that you're a woman, it'll be a lot easier for your relationship with your child if you come out earlier in life rather than later. 

Another thing I would strongly advise against:
Don't start HRT if you're not sure what's going on. You said one of your biggest fears is coming out and then changing your mind. HRT will permanently alter your body. It's essentially like going through a second puberty. 

Again, I want to hammer hard the point: see a gender therapist. That, I think, is the best advice anyone can give you. I hope you stick around as you're going through this, we are all here to help ❤️

Aiy

[Charlize]

Welcome AAananonimity,

 I certainly don't want to be the one who influences you one way or the other.  All i can say is that about 45 years ago i was right where you are.  I was also married with a young child i adored and a wife who was less than accepting.  I put my gender issues aside to the best of my ability.  Whenever they came forth and i dressed or expressed myself otherwise i felt guilty.  I found a good life and enjoyed a life in construction and supported and cherished my family.  I also became an alcoholic over the years but i can't claim it was due to gender.  I went full time about 7 years ago at the age of 63.  I don't regret my life but am certainly glad to be myself today.

We are all on different paths.  I'm glad you found us here.  Others certainly understand your feelings.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[AAananonimity]

Thank you gals, 

You’ve certainly made me feel welcomed. I hope I can find a good gender therapist in my small city, someone I’m comfortable with that will work with my spuratic schedule. I just moved to a new place and my work schedule makes it tough. My family finally settled here, we’ve moved so much and iv switched jobs so many times that you it would actually be obscene to make another relocation or job change right now. I like my work but I have no set start or end times, and no set days off. It’s tough for working in something like therapy you know. Ahh life... 

[Jani]

Welcome AAananonimity.  I'm glad you reached out to us.  I will agree with Aiyanna.

On 6/17/2018 at 4:15 PM, Aiyanna said:

There are so many people with loads of life experience and different stories and backgrounds here, but even with all of our advice and guidance and stories, the answer rests inside of you, not us

 

While this sounds like a scary proposition it can be minimized by taking a slow and measured approach.   As suggested a good therapist will be very helpful.  If you cannot find anyone local, you might try connecting with one that will work via video (Skype or FaceTime).  Many of us have been exactly where you are.  Hormone treatment can be delightful or scary.  You need to understand the plus and minus points before starting down that path.  There are certainly both to consider.  

 

As to progressing and finding it is not what you want or need, this is why we take it slow.  This is a Pandora's Box type of situation where you can never un-say things you've told family and friends.  I'm happy to hear you're proud of being a Dad.  It's a special relationship we develop with our children.  You might find you do not need to fully transition and to be happy you can only do what makes you (and your wife) happy.  When we transition, our family's do as well.  This might be under-dressing at times, or even taking a low dosage of estrogen without an androgen blocker.  This may give a calming effect while not affecting your libido or physical strength.  Be aware we all react differently to HRT and there may be some physical changes.  This is something to consider only after you have had some counseling from a gender therapist, and ultimately a doctor.  

 

Again, I know this is a scary time so don't be afraid to reach out and talk.  We're here.

 

Cheers, Jani   

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, hon.  Please make yourself at home and feel free to ask any questions that come to mind.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[AAananonimity]

So nice ?

I really appreciate all the advice. 

Jani, thank you for putting an emphasis on taking it slow, and why that’s important for family as well. Just hearing that helps put me at ease a bit already. I forget that I don’t need all the answers right away. Such a fast passed world these days, so easy to get swept up in that you know?

[Timber Wolf]

Hi AAanonimity,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Your story sounds quite familiar, personally and from other stories I've heard. It's quite common for us to do manly "he-man" things to prove to others, and even more so to ourselves, that we are men (from the m2f perspective). You work in the oil fields, Charlize worked in construction, I was living the life of a woodsman out in the forest with my chainsaw. 

 

Another thing in common is the fear of coming out or being found out. Perhaps the biggest help I can offer is that you are not alone with this. You've got friends here who care and understand. We will celebrate your triumphs with you, or lend a shoulder to cry on. Hopefully more of the former!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[MaryEllen]

Hello AAanonimity,

Welcome to TransPulse.

 

MaryEllen