What am I?

[AAananonimity]

I struggle when I’m hanging around dudes. 

I don’t fit in, it’s always been so much easier for me to relate to girls. -holy buckets- with them, gossip with them. But ever since the age of 8 or so iv been to scared to let my girl talk just fall out. Iv always succumbed to social pressures and forced myself to be a dude. Hang with the guys, but I’d always enjoy it so much more when ever I got to be around girls in general. Even if I was to scared to contribute as much as I’d like to the girl talk. I just enjoyed the energy and it felt like home. 

 

I remember being little since I was 4 or 5 even wanting to wear make up and girl clothes. My sister would sometimes do my make up and I always loved when we’de play pretend and get to dress up because I almost always would want to be a girl. And my sister accepted that, really she probably just thought I was trying to fit in to hang out with my older sister and her friends but really I loved it, just what I wanted to do. It felt right. Like an excuse to escape in what felt normal with no pressure. 

 

Often id pull the collar of my shirt down over one shoulder when I was alone because it made me feel more feminine. 

 

I remember being 10 or 12 and just wishing I was a girl when I’d watch tv and was alone to really let myself feel that freely. 

 

But i tried hard to fit in. To be a guy. I’m an attractive man, and iv always been attracted to woman as well. I do enjoy woman sexually. So maybe I’m like a bisexual trans? Idk iv suppressed a lot of feelings trying to fit in as a dude that I honestly don’t know

 

The hard part I struggle with is iv always been attracted to woman, now in my early 20’s I am attracted to men. And would love to try to see what it’s like to be romantic with a man. Sexual even, to feel a mans power but I have dedicated partner and a baby at home. I just feel stuck, because being a Dad has brought joy to me but it forces me to be masculine. Leaves little room to explore and Also Sometimes I do enjoy being the man of the house but I wish I could do it in a woman’s body and just be accepted. 

 

Idk the only thing I know I am is frustrated lol

[Jani]

A lot of us struggle with this.  I'm not a physically imposing person.  I never fit in well with the guys either, especially in the corporate world where it might have held me back a little.  I was never into sports but was and still am a motor head.  I love mechanical things and driving fast!   I always found it easier to talk with the girls, and later women so I worked at being as cool a dude as I could be with racing.  

 

There is no proof that I've ever read but some say once we start to transition some people's sexuality changes.  I don't believe this.  I think what it does is opens and frees our minds and we become less inhibited.  So don't be concerning with sexual aspect of all this.  Focus on your identity and learning who you really are.  Then be that person to the best of your ability.  

 

The frustration is from the uncertainty of life at the moment.

 

Jani 

[Cass Kasinski]

I don't know much about MtF transgender people but... I feel so bad for you. You are so frustrated and I wish you the best. I don't know your partner's pesonality but have you tried telling her your doubts?

 

Take care of yourself!!

[Kirsten]

Sounds like you need to do some exploring to me. I’ve been in the place you’re at right now. And I suppressed. I dealt with the pain and frustration for my son and my girl. But eventually it just all fell apart. 

I even tried again. Still suppressing. New girl. Another son. This time with a girl that knew I was at least curious about my gender. Things went better but still the inevitable has happened. Here I am 7 years later transitioning. I’m very lucky that she is supportive and open to staying with me. But that’s not always the case. 

 

My advice to you is to talk to her. It’ll be the absolute hardest thing you’ll ever do. But if you keep it from her it becomes a dirty little lie and it’ll eventually destroy anything you work to build. Once you do that though you can at least start to explore who you are.

Just because you have these feeling doesn’t mean you’re gonna transition. It could. But who knows. Just try things out. Do as little as you need to to make yourself happy. Maybe just some casual dressing will be enough. Maybe going out to friendly bars with the girls will. Or maybe you’ll want to go all the way. But you’ll never know unless you are willing to explore yourself. 

All of this isn’t easy. But you need to be happy with who you are. How can we give ourselves to anyone else, even our children, if we are lying to ourselves out of fear. 

❤️Kirsten.