confused and conflicted

[Willow]

In most respects we (my wife and I) are getting along better and are happier than I can remember for a long time.  Now some of that is that we are communicating better, some is my anti-depressant and some is that she is also seeing my therapist and they are discussing some of her issues with life.

 

But this week they talked about me.  How my wife feels I deceived her for years by not telling her about my feelings.  From what she told me the therapist didn't take sides but did try to get her to understand that my hiding my feelings wasn't about deception but about embarrassment and not understanding my own issues.  

 

She had said to me that she wasn't having any issues with me now.  And while like I just said we are getting along a lot better these days, I knew in my heart that she was still harboring some negativity over me and my needs.  I'm actually glad this finally came out so we can deal with it openly instead of her denying she was still upset.

 

Willow

[Jani]

Its true that you (many of us) hid our feeling because we didn't understand them and therefore couldn't explain them with any sort of clarity.  At least it was for me.  Embarrassment is also a good part of it, since we are a patriarchal society.  That was the only secret I ever held from my spouse and I have tried very hard to be as open as possible from there on.  After several years she is seeing I have changed.  I truly want the best for her, and me also.  Honest is getting me there.  Keep talking and you will get to where you need to be.  It may not be where you think you should be but it will be ok.  My spouse has been empowered by my transition and this is good. 

Jani

[Willow]

Hey y’all 

 

I just stopped at a fabric shop with my wife. She needed a notion.  While she’s shopping I wander around. Now this is a quilting shop so patterns are not their thing though they have some. Anyway I’m looking at the pattern wall and there’s one called Willow. I wonder if it was trying to tell me something. 

 

Willow

[Jani]

Could be!!!  I sew.  I have for years.  My wife not so much.

 

Jani

[Willow]

16 hours ago, Jani said:

Could be!!!  I sew.  I have for years.  My wife not so much.

 

Jani

my mother taught me to sew and knit.  the sewing came in handy when I was in the Air Force.  the only thing I've sewn recently however was repairing my sails.  I suppose that could be about to change.  LOL

 

Willow

 

[Jani]

I helped my sisters sew when I was younger.  (I am older than they are)  I bought my wife a machine in '76 and she's maybe used it a couple times.  I have hours on it and can do all kinds of stitches.   I look at it like building, only with cloth.  

 

What do you have for a sailboat?   I used to sail when I was younger.  I loved it but then life got in the way.

 

Jani

[Willow]

We bought an old Windrose 18 that had been damaged in a hurricane.  Repaired the hull, sails and repainted it.  It’s looking really good now. I learned to sail as a teen. (60s). 

 

Willow

[Jani]

I looked it up.  Thats a nice looking boat.  I see there is a '77 not far from me for $3900 with extra sails and an outboard.  Looks like a lot of value.   I need to reconsider getting back in to the sport!

 

Cheers, Jani 

 

 

[Willow]

Mine is a mid 70s, has a 4 ½ outboard.  "sleeps 4" but mine had a rough couple of years before i bought it.  Original sails, no extras.  A caution about the Windrose it won't close reach very well.  Presuming it has a retractable keep (mine does not not all of them do)  you have to watch the winch cable, pivot and all as they are known to break from electrolysis and recovery of a 500 lb piece of cast iron?

 

Its fun for me, my wife is not a sailer so she wants to sell it.  And mine isn't set up for single handed sailing.

[Jani]

Too bad about your wife not enjoying it.  If I did something it would be a one person set up. 

[Willow]

Hi,

 

Today started out as a beautiful happy day and is ending on a really bad note.  My wife came home from her therapy session visibly upset.  You see this week is the third anniversary of the death of our granddaughter.  It took me 2 ½ years to come to grips with it and my wife still hasn't.

 

I immediately decided that I would take her out to dinner tonight with the intention of helping her to feel better.  I decided to wear my wig, which we both thought was androgynous.  I was sitting with my back to the restaurant.  The waiter came up behind me and said hello ladies.  Now I was not wearing anything that would make me out to be female except the wig.  My wife asked me if that didn't embarrass me and when I said no everything went from bad to worse, much worse.

 

I didn't wear the wig with any intent to be made as a woman.  I didn't wear it to hurt her further.  She even fixed it as we were leaving the house.

 

Some days you just can't win.

 

Willow

[Jani]

Willow I am sorry about the loss of your granddaughter.  I have lost a son.  Time will heal the pain but you will never forget her.  

 

I know there are times when nothing you can do is right, so just go with the flow as much as possible.  

 

Hugs, Jani

[Willow]

Thanks Jani.  This morning my wife apologized for making it about her when she knows I didn’t choose to be transgender, in fact like so many others here I have tried not to let my feelings show for years.  Now that it’s out there there is no going back, the only question is how far forward do I let it take me.

 

Willow

[Willow]

Tomorrow I intend to look some what feminine and to someone I know.  I’ll be wearing my wig and clothes that could go either way but I’ll add some lipgloss. And a necklace 

 

let it you know how it goes.

 

Willow

[Willow]

Hi, so update on the dressing some what feminine.  The wig of course was most noticeable and this person never really got beyond that, at least verbally.  That was ok with me.  I just wanted someone else to see a little of me.

 

These two weeks have been a bit up and down.  A bit of feuding with my wife.  Some depression on my part.  Needing some retail therapy that I shouldn't partake in.  All the usual.  

 

I am seeing the therapist every two weeks for now but intend to cut back to once a month after the new year.  Since December is almost always is depressing to me I'll probably try to meet early January then skip to on February.  I have an appointment with my MD in a couple weeks.  My anti-depressants aren't doing much for me right now and I want to talk again about going on HRT.  I know he doesn't favor it but I think I want to restart that conversation.  My therapist signed off 6 months ago.  What will it change?  Will it make anything better or worse?  I backed down before because of my wife and because my Doc didn't favor it but I want to talk about it again, just the two of us.

 

Willow

 

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, Willow said:

I just wanted someone else to see a little of me.

 

I want this too, Willow.  I haven't been able to dress, let along come out, to anyone except my wife who doesn't really appreciate my feminine side.  I don't feel comfortable letting someone I know see me yet.  Last week, I came out to my brother in law and we discussed everything over a very long call.  I sent him some pics and that's about all I could do being 2,000 miles apart.  But I don't think I could've done it if he lived down the street.  I applaud your bravery meeting someone you know and opening up that part of yourself to them.  It must have been very freeing experience.  I hope I can do the same when the time comes.

 

Susan R?

[Jani]

Hi Willow.  That's probably a good idea to see your therapist every two weeks at this point and then dial back to monthly.  That's what I did.  That your doctor didn't "favor" you going on estrogen and an antigen is telling.  Do they just not understand how to manage them?  That was my doctors point, but he gave me a great referral to a place I love.  Do you think they are against your decision to go on HRT for other than medical reasons?   If so you might consider another doctor (endocrinologist) for purposes of HRT.  On a low dosage it is more than likely you won't see major physical changes at this age but the mental aspects will be there.  It would certainly be a good test.  Can your therapist offer a recommendation for a doctor? 

Hugs, Jani  

[Willow]

Hi everyone,

 

Just some updates to report.  I am scheduled to see my therapist a couple more times then I am going to cut back to once a month unless he objects.

 

had a doctor appointment today to follow-up how the anti-depressant was working for me.  Long and short answer is that I'm not having the happy highs of last August but I'm not having lows either except when something happens to drag me down but they are short lived. Both my doctor and therapist have said that's actually what they want to see and hear.  No deep depression and no wild swings.  we might like the highs but they aren't supposed to happen either.

 

I also talked to the doctor about hormones.  Basically, he is unwilling to prescribe hormones for any of his patients.  He says out of 2500 patients he has 5 on hormones.  3 men on Testosterone because they no longer have a prostate and 2 women on E for similar reasons.  Bit of a bummer.  But a few hours later he called me with the names of some doctors he had researched that would see me for possible HRT.  We discussed affiliations and credentials and I chose one and he said he would request an appointment for me through referral.  We will see where that leads.  Probably no update on this until mid December as I am going out of town for 10 days early in December.

 

Things are still a little tense with my wife.  She still doesn't understand and says I have deceived her for years.  That's not entirely true because I didn't understand myself but you can't tell her that.  Both our doctor and therapist have tried.  She still sees this as an affront to her and why did I marry her if I had these feminine feelings.  You know, I didn't have them when we met, and I only recently through my therapist, understood that some of the things I went through as a child are now considered to be signs of gender dysphoria.  The closest thing to being transgender when I was young were female impersonators that were actors or stage performers and who knew?  Certainly I didn't.  I just thought some of the things I liked were fetishes or were because I was the proverbial 90 lb weakling.  

 

Willow

 

 

[Jani]

Well at least your doctor is referring you to another that will prescribe HRT for you.  Sorry to hear your wife is still upset but you are right that you didn't know what if any of these feelings were years ago.  Same here.  I knew I was a little different (or at least I assumed I was) yet I saw no need for alarm.  It wasn't until much later when I got very depressed that I started to investigate in earnest.   My wife has come around to loving me as much as before the "news".    Keep showing her you care.  I hope for the best.

 

Jani

 

[Willow]

Hi everyone,

 

Haven't heard from the endocrinologist yet, but I expect that will change soon.  My doctor may have sent the referral to the wrong fax machine number at MUSC.  

 

Met with my therapist today.  We talked about how I'm getting along with my wife.  Have I talked to her about the hormones (no) and I asked the question am I really Transgender or is something else causing these feelings.  His response to that was to give me a copy of his evaluation of a personality test he gave me.  He had already given me the patient copy of the results but this is more comprehensive and has his thought and conclusions not just an analysis of my responses to the questions.  I'm working my way through that and hope it has some answers for me.  No I am not expecting it to give a definite yes or no to the question but an understanding of what makes me tick and why i feel this way.

 

Willow

[Willow]

I figured it was time to continue my story.  A lot has happened and or changed since my last time here.

 

First of all, besides the general statements from medical research on Transgender potentially starting in the womb,  my therapist believes that a contributing factor for me was the lack of attention from my father.  I was clearly drawn to my mother.  I didn't want to be away from her, ever.  I've also talked with someone whose father is a genetics researcher who believes that Transgenders have an additional partial X or Y.  Now this information and a few dollars will get you a morning coffee and nothing more.

 

I've started getting some women's clothing, with my wife's knowledge and help.  She has also taught me how to apply makeup and what works for me.  I have my own makeup kit now.  We've been away twice now where I have been totally female.  (I am not transitioned and am strictly male at home) 

 

I have been to a group meeting in January, but I didn't go in February.  My plan is to go to the March meeting.  A difference would be in January I just went as my male self.  For the March meeting i will go as Willow.

 

I have an appointment with an endocrinologist next week.  I'll let you know how that goes.

 

I still continue to question myself and my motivation.  But the more i read, the more I realize that I am not alone when it come to questioning.  I can't say, "I always knew I was a girl", but i can say "I have wished I was a girl since I was a teen".  I've always wanted long hair but I always kept it short.  i believe that was a way of trying to deny my true self.  I certainly have tried to deny my feelings and hide them all my life until now.

 

My wife has agreed to help me and allow me to be the person I need to be, but only when we are away from home.  That's actually ok with me because i have no desire to come out publicly at this time.

 

So, where does this leave me?  well, I think I understand that I truly am transgender and have been for all my life.  Yes, I've managed to deny it even to myself.  It's forced itself out and been driven back over the years but not any more.  Now it's just out.  My first time out as Willow I was initially apprehensive but settled down after my first interface with others went ok.  Now, while I don't want to be made, I am comfortable when I am out as Willow.

 

 

[killjoyaiden]

Just now, Willow said:

But the more i read, the more I realize that I am not alone when it come to questioning.  I can't say, "I always knew I was a girl", but i can say "I have wished I was a girl since I was a teen".  I've always wanted

 

 

I relate to you SO MUCH in this. Also, for the longest time I thought I "wasn't trans enough" because I didn't really know for sure who I was until I was around 11 or 12. But, I have come to realize that there's no such thing as being "trans enough." I feel like there are a lot of people out there right now who are like I was. 

Also, the evidence of what exactly can be factors to people being transgender is very interesting. I hope that with science advancements, we can finally have some set answers!

 

Stay safe and stay alive,

Aiden

[Willow]

Thank you @killjoyaiden This is certainly a difficult path to take.  I suppose the more it gets exposed to the mainstream the better it is for us.  Yes a definitive answer as to why we are like we are would be nice, but be careful what you wish for.  One persons “you have this marker so you are” could well exclude the next one who is just as much a TG. If I’ve learned on thing in life it’s that there are no black and white answers.  We have to allow for all the gray in between.

 

Hugs

 

Willow