Gender Issues Anxiety

[Konstantine]

Hello All,

 

I thought I would join the forum to get some advice from people further along on their journey of self-discovery. I apologize if this is a little lengthy and veers a little towards the sexual in nature, but it is necessary to explain my situation.

 

Recently, after a period of extreme stress, I came to the realization that I was repressing a female part of my personality. I am not sure how I feel about this or if I really know who I am (a crossdresser, trans, something in between).  I know I shouldn't be trying to put labels on things but not knowing is giving me extreme anxiety. I am talking to a counselor about this, but think it would help me if I heard from some other people on this. I am trying to be honest with myself now so I can just live my life without feeling constantly unsettled and uncomfortable. Maybe part of this is an internalized phobia of discovering things about myself that I am just not prepared to deal with.

 

Just to tell a short version of my story, i've always enjoyed wearing women's clothes since I was 13. It was almost always sexual in nature. After achieving my sexual needs, I would feel sick about it and then stop. I spent a lot of time around transgender women in my teens since I lived in several countries where it was socially accepted to be trans. I always found them very attractive and beautiful. I now realize with hindsight I am not sure if I was just sexually attracted to them or wanted to be them or both. I stopped crossdressing into my 20's as I thought it more socially acceptable to just watch pornography. I have almost exclusively watching transgender pornography now for the majority of my adult life. I can say with honesty in my daily life I have never been really sexually attracted to men, but when I watch pornography, I often times imagine I am the women.  This progressed into me almost exclusively watching pornography where men are tricked into becoming women and also pornography that is filmed from a woman's perspective. I understand if this type of pornography is offensive to some here, but I want to be honest about my situation.

 

As is obvious to you and to me now, I have an unhealthy relationship with this, and I have decided to stop watching it and try embracing whatever feelings I may have. The issue is I still have sexual feelings when I think about dressing up, but I am also excited and happy about trying to present as a woman.  I have started to try to learn to embrace this side of me, but I am not sure where it is going to lead. Regardless of what I do now, I feel anxiety. I would like to say this all sounds like garden variety crossdressing, but I am not sure if it is more, and I am not sure if I am ready to make it more. 

 

I wanted to know if anyone has had these types of experiences and where they ended up or how they dealt with them.

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

 

 

 

[DenimAndLace]

There's a lot to unpack in what you"re asking Konstantine but I don't think the sexual nature of your experience precludes you from being on the transgender spectrum somewhere. Although it may look like a fetish to you or to an outsider, I think your story is similar to many in this lgbTQ* community. One possible explanation is hormone "poisoning" (my term). Although I "always knew", once I started on HRT, I completely lost interest sex which made it a lot easier to sort out my gender feelings. That being said, I think there is a fine line between KNOWING you are a given gender and WANTING to be the opposite sex.  It's my personal belief that those who merely WANT to be the opposite sex are the ones who end up regretting their transition. You have a lot to figure out and I'm glad you're working with a counselor. Between that person and this forum, I think you'll find many of the answers you're looking for. Keep questioning.  sometimes the same question asked a different way will flip the switch. 

[Konstantine]

Thank you for the thoughtful response. Like you say, hormones are driving some of this and it is difficult to divorce yourself from them. I think you have a good point also about there being a difference between wanting and knowing. It is difficult for me to really tell the difference right now and to explore the feelings I have involves overcoming a lot of self-imposed (but not rational) guilt and fear. It does not help that I am taking these first steps so many years into my life. I feel like society has generally changed in some areas where talking about these types of feelings are less frowned upon, however, it doesn't help when you have internalized them. I have never particularly enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror as a man, but I also am not sure how I feel about having a female identity also.   I hope to find that out. 

[DenimAndLace]

31 minutes ago, Konstantine said:

self-imposed (but not rational) guilt and fear.

 

You're right. Those feelings are NOT rational. Neither is shame or self loathing. There is nothing objectionable about not fitting into the gender binary.

 

38 minutes ago, Konstantine said:

It does not help that I am taking these first steps so many years into my life

 

It's never too soon or too late to make an adjustment that gives you the peace you need to carry on in life.  Some would say I had a midlife crisis; I say I had a midlife CONNECTION. 

 

43 minutes ago, Konstantine said:

I feel like society has generally changed in some areas where talking about these types of feelings

 

I agree. What was it?  Five years ago the percentage of people who knew a trans person was in the single digits? I was pretty sure I'd be labeled a pervert and relegated to obscurity.  It's better now but even though people KNOW what transgender is, I don't think they understand it at all.

 

47 minutes ago, Konstantine said:

I have never particularly enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror as a man, but I also am not sure how I feel about having a female identity

 

Maybe you're nonbinary or agender. Keep exploring and it will probably become clear to you but don't expect it to happen quickly.

[Charlize]

Welcome Konstantine.

    I'm glad you have joined us here.  Like you all i ever saw about trans folks was porn.  Perhaps in part because of that i felt my desire to dress and be myself was simply a perversion of some sort.  I did pleasure myself when dressed and like you felt guilty and somehow dirty.  I tried to stop but even if years had passed i dressed again.  It made me feel good and sexy and i responded to that as i knew how.

   When i found this site and started to read and share i discovered a path i hadn't even thought about.  Therapy helped me on that path of self discovery as well.  Today i'm living happily as myself, a woman.  Yes on occasion i feel a bit sexy and i can express that now.  Shame, guilt and fear have melted away.  It did take time.  That being said i also started to move quickly once i saw a path.  There is nothing to feel ashamed about.  Trans* with an(*) is a broad group. We each hopefully find what is best for us.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize 

[Konstantine]

Thank you for your response. Was there anything in particular that triggered for you the switch that made you realize that you are a women given you dealt with the same sexual issues it sounds like I have? I don't know how to divorce myself from those feelings and also the shame, guilt, and fear spiral.

 

When you have conditioned yourself to be a certain way, it is hard to know what you really want. I want to be in control of my feelings and actions, but i am trying to let that go to see how i really am.

[Kirsten]

I understand what you’re going through as well. I used to use the pornography to get some sort of a release form my feelings. I’m not really sure why I was attracted to it in the first place.

Maybe it had to do with my parents constantly reminding me how sick and perverted I was as a kid. Maybe it was a way for my brain to escape just long enough to not go into deep bouts of depression. Or maybe something else. 

But once I met my wife and I didn’t have to hide my cross dressing that stopped. Almost immediately. It was as if once someone knew who and what I am, I was able to deal with my feelings in a more positive way.

This eventually is what led to deciding to transition for me. Being allowed to dress and explore my gender changed my life. 

Looking back I don’t think it was necessarily a bad thing though. It got me through a lot of difficult times before I was ready for another way. And plenty of people have fetishes of all kinds. 

Only you can decide where you fall on the spectrum of people that are Trans. Allow yourself time and worry less about what you are. And more about who you are and what makes you happy. 

❤️Kirsten 

[DenimAndLace]

6 hours ago, Konstantine said:

Was there anything in particular that triggered for you the switch that made you realize that you are a women given you dealt with the same sexual issues it sounds like I have?

 

It was very gradual for me.  Looking back I can see clearly that something was amiss even at a very young age.  I "knew" internally that I was a female spirit but I didn't have the vocabulary, the example to follow or the courage to assert my true identity.  There was a torrent of resistance that was telling me I was a boy and sadly I submitted to it.  However, what I identified with was slumber parties, being pretty, being pursued, being the bride and the mom.  I resisted it out of fear and religious compulsion until I couldn't do it anymore.  I wanted to die.  Instead, I self medicated (strongly discouraged) and surprisingly I found a little relief.  I saw a gender counselor and found a little more relief.  I started expressing myself, telling others and with each step forward I found a little more relief.  The more steps I took, the better I felt.  Somewhere along the way, I finally knew that I knew I was destined to be female but biology had indeed, messed me up.  Now I finally feel comfortable in my own body.  It took over 40 years but I have found myself and my strength!

[Konstantine]

Thank you both for the replies. They have been very comforting.