Need help - I can't decide where I belong

[LucyTheSorceress]

A little background on me:

 

I am a 22 year old male who went through college straight into work as a trainee accountant. I like gaming, specifially games that are PvP; Dota, League, CS:GO but I also like Skyrim and Fallout (we'll get to that later). I like cars and have recently got myself a used Mercedes A class which I really like. I have a sister 5 years older than me who was more of a tom-boy type when i was growing up.

 

On to the real stuff, the things that make me think "woah do I belong as I am, am I denying my true self to please gender norms?":

 

My earliest memories of a weird experience was when I was in infant school. This may sound odd/strange to people but I had a fixation on flipping the girls' skirts up, it was so bad that in an assembly everyone was told to "not do this" but guess what, I went and did it again, the absolute madman I was.

 

Around the same years I was into Formula 1, I watched quite a few races and even had my picture taken with Schumacers F1 car! But also, I got interested in my sisters clothes, whilst I was playing raceman I started thinking about dresses and skirts.

 

A few years later I started playing pokemon, ever since I was younger I always choose the girl character, never the male. I sometimes called her after me "Danni" and sometimes her own name like "Lucy", "Hannah". Please bare in mind I was 7+ at the time and this pokemon playing continued all the way until the present, the same girl character.

 

Around this time I was in the football team, but I played defensive I never went out to hurt myself. I always stayed on my teams own side. I wasnt a true boy.

 

My sister however, was always out doing things. Biking, rounders, girl guides.

 

I started invading my sisters room when people weren't home when I was around 10 and was almost caught (probably caught, they saw me as they drove into the drive). I was asked whether or not I was crossdressing and I said "no!". This invading of my sisters clothes lasted the entire time she living at home, I had my favorite clothes of hers growing up and switched my tastes. I got really into it and it felt somewhat "natural", and yes it did become a sexual charge at some point, I started dressing up and having a quick one and it relieved me of something every time. This is what gets to me, is this relief or is this something bigger is this comfort in myself?

 

When I was around 15 I started watching more and more anime, I got interested in some crossdressing anime that I thought were guilty pleasures of mine. Those who know anime may know of Princess Princess and Otome Wa. I also watched a film of a USA transgender person who gets lead on and killed by 4 guys, it was sad but really opened my eyes at the time. And hell, watching some romantic comedies was not within reason, I loved watching them (my favorite was one told in the females perspective).

 

But at the same time I loved action movies, I loved guns, call of duty, forza, warships. But also, given the choice of a girl or guy character I always picked the girl. It wasn't for stats or for watching a girl move instead of a guy all the time. I believe this was an escape for me, to enter another world as someone I chose to be. Fallout, Skyrim were my favorite games growing up alongside call of duty.

 

I started stealing my sisters clothes and hiding them under my bed (unhygienic I know), I did this to ensure my sister would not throw them out and I could get my let off every once in a while. A calm down as you will, sexual charge some might say.

 

With regards to this sexual charge I never felt the urge to ask a girl out, instead I remember thinking in high school "I wish I was her", her with the brown hair having fun, laughing, she was my dream girl but was she "me", is she what I wanted to be? Jealousy? I always got goosebumps when I thought about this stuff. I still had male friends but I was also bullied. Bullied for being a "momas boy and always staying back in football" I also got called queer which I denied everytime as I knew I was not gay. I didnt like boys, I liked girls, but for what reason?

 

I never felt as though my penis had to be used, it was there as something that made me feel better and just that. I never watched traditional porn, when I did watch it (a couple of times) it was en-femme porn and also crossdressing erotica phase that never returned. Recently I have had a taking to tumblr and some sissiforcation threads. I was aroused at first but then it became something of disgust, something ticked within me that said "I don't like this". I found another thread, a thread about a girl, a girl living inside me wanting to get out. I started favoriting everything they posted, I started feeling a little better. But then, I got worse.

 

I have always had this feeling, the feeling of watching a women flow with a black dress, a flowery dress, pencil skirts. Whilst working this got to me, I started taking a real liking to one of my 30 something female colleagues from the way she dressed and only that. I just loved her for that reason. I then left that practice and joined another. I still had feelings for her. Soon after I joined the other firm another female joined and I loved her too, maybe because I felt I connected with her from the mind, I still like warships and play to a really high level but this was nagging to me. At this point I had a big collection of clothes under my bed; a bra, panties, a black dress, a black corset, tights, a pencil skirt and a following dress.

 

This however, got found out. I was hiding some stuff in my sister wardrobe in bags from when she left and my dad found them. My sister stayed the night and put the bags into her car. You know what I did? That night I snuck out and pulled the bags, moved stuff around into a new bag and put those bags back. I literally went and saved those clothes in the dead of night. The clothes were a shame of mine, a weight always on my shoulders that has dragged me down and down.

 

This may be a point to mention that I have never, ever been "happy" all the photos whilst I was younger I was never smiling. Still even now, except its worse, much worse. I feel down all the time with this gender situation. I know I'm not a girly girl. I know I am not a boy, I want to be someone who I am happy to be.

 

My parents recently went on holiday and left me alone. I went online and brought a ballgag, butt plugs and some male panties. I then went around the house with all the windows either curtained up or blinded whilst wearing the full combo of black dress, bra, panties but plug, tights and but plug. I was in my element, I played games and wasnt perturbed by it all. 

 

But then a week later I went on holiday, whilst on holiday my room was tidied and my bed moved. The clothes taken away, the only thing that remained were the but plug items, a bra and panties (washed) under the bed. A bag of clothes that was in my wardrobe was moved to me sister room, but my sisters black dress, the flowing top/dress, the corset were all gone. And a lone, make-up brush was by my clear desk infront of the TV.

 

Now, I have had no desire to use make-up ever, so I put my mums make-up brush back, as a sign of "I know that you mean, but that isnt it". Words that were spoken but weren't.

 

But now, I feel something is missing. I have new grief, grief of my favorite things taken away, replaced by something I can't use to the extent I want to. No dress, no comfort, just confused thoughts. So much so that instead of dressing up, I have taken to using the but plugs instead and even worn a medium sized one for work today. (I have never had one for more than 4 hours, let alone 16 hours) At work I had confused thoughts in between posting of journals, I am lost. I don't know where to go.

 

I have looked at gender dysphoria and I feel it is me, and it very very close to transvestism, but yet isn't it. I feel envy towards my female colleagues and I work in a very conservative accountancy practice and I am afraid to lose me training contract and job if I come out (if that is what I am).

 

I also believe I am heavily in denial. So much so that I behave in an arsehole way to people even though deep down my feelings are not like that, they are trusting and compassionate. I say things that are wrong and I believe a form of depression (that I think was relieved by crossdressing) brought these comments on.

 

Other notes:-

 

I have sat down to pee for at least 5 years now. I have looked at how to pass as a female (on a whim a few years ago). My mum had a DoA baby girl before she had me (hence the 5 year gap) and I believe that somehow I have inherited some of her instincts (I do not believe in god, but this is a coincidence that I cannot pass off).

[VickySGV]

It takes time to sort it aa out, you have not said anything to say that this is not a good place for you to be just now, and maybe you can read and talk to us without being afraid of judgment. 

[LucyTheSorceress]

I forgot to mention earlier that I can't go shopping for male clothes.

 

Every time I go shopping I always end up looking at female clothes and thinking how nice they look and how I'll never be able to wear them in public as I am right now.

 

Whilst looking for work I considered moving miles away to work so I could have my own space and dress how I wanted to be, a new start as it will.

 

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Figuring out gender issues is, for most of us, a complicated and confusing businesses, especially at first.  I suggest not getting too wrapped up in details, such as likes and behaviors, and concentrate on how you feel about yourself, what are your goals, what are your innermost desires.  I know the NHS can be a daunting and waits last forever, but I urge you to sign up to see a gender therapist.  They will help you sort things out and make sense of it all.  But only you can know what the right path forward is.

 

Perhaps the topics within these forums will help you out.  I hope so.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie