Bothered by honesty

[Marbabar]

I’ve been full time for a few months and have enjoyed the full support of my friends and family.

 

Last night I went out with a friend, a cis man who’s been my bestie for almost 15 years. He tentatively and tactfully brought up the issue of my “look.” Apparently he and some other friends (??) have been discussing my fashion and beauty choices and have come to the conclusion that I look bad.

 

He doesn’t like any of the tops I wear, most of my pants, or my hair style, calling it “a little 90’s” and “kinda soccer mom.” Of course, I AM a soccer mom, in that I’m a white middle class parent active in the PTA and chauferring field trips and shopping at Target and all that stereotypical stuff. I felt so comfortable, like I was fitting in so well. 

 

Instead, apparently, I should straighten my long curly hair (“the natural curly look just doesn’t work”) and cut it into a pixie cut!!! And no more loose V necks, or capris. I explained capris are supposed to help me look shorter (I’m 6’1”) and low V necklines are supposed to help narrow my shoulders, and other trans-specific “dos and don’ts,” but their advice is to ignore that and wear young cute looks (I’m not young). 

 

I took as as much criticism as I could, gracefully, and agreed to a group shopping trip to try some other looks on. But all night and all this morning I’ve been just sick to my stomach knowing that everyone thinks I look bad and that my confidence has been misguided.

 

But I’m still sure I can’t pull off these looks designed for petite pretty cis girls — that the looks may be cuter, but will make me more obvious. I don’t feel a need to be stylish, I feel a deep soulful need to get as close to passing as I can!

 

Just venting. I don’t know. I’m sure I’m being too sensitive, and my friends really are trying to be kind and helpful. They love me, and it shouldn’t hurt my feelings.

 

But it does.

[Jani]

I don't understand "friends" that criticize without living in your shoes.  There comes a time when we have to let go of those "young cute looks" and just be ourselves.  At my age (64) it sounds like I dress like you, comfortable and fashionable.  Use fashion to our advantage as you do.  Frankly I do want to blend in rather than seem like a cartoon character who can't give up a passed time.  

 

I would cancel the shopping trip as it will not be pleasant for you.  It doesn't sound like you're a candidate for "What not to wear!"  Keep on doing what you're doing to be happy.  

 

Jani

[DenimAndLace]

That story rattles my cage a bit Marbabar. I wouldn't put up with that from MY friends.  I'm assuming you're talking about good, true friends that you don't want to lose but still, I'd put a polite end to their unsolicited advice.  Had you ASKED for their input about your attire, it would only be fair to accept their honest suggestions but even so, YOU have the final say about what you wear and why.  Because I'm trans and because I've had way more than my share of unsolicited advice from real friends, "friends", foes and family, I've learned to keep my mouth shut unless asked for my thoughts.  Your friends would be kind to do the same. 

 

As a side-bar, we've all seen plenty of "bad combinations" and looks that are not flattering on a given body type.  Women get to wear things from drab to tasteful to stylish to bizarre.  It's our privilege to wear whatever we want whether it looks good or not! LOL

[Marbabar]

Thanks, you two, for taking my side. It’s incredible how a couple of strangers online can turn my mood around! I feel better.

 

Maayyyybe I can pretend it’s the new hormones making me so sensitive? hahaha Day 12 going strong! ?

[SugarMagnolia]

Perhaps, if you're friend could model some of the looks so you can see how they look on him?

Seriously, the idea of a (presumably) cis guy mansplaining women's fashion to a trans woman really takes the cake for me. I would hope the person means well and simply can't appreciate how this feels. 

You should wear what you feel comfortable in and feel free to experiment over time as you see fit. Wear what you like and what makes you feel good about yourself!

[Annie]

I would love to know whose feelings that kind of sit-down would not hurt! When I was in my late 20s, I worked in an office with a bunch of nice women in their 40s and 50s. They decided that one of the women in her 50s needed to be on What Not to Wear because she was stuck back in time. They even submitted an application for her. I was really surprised because my younger eyes did not see what they saw. I saw someone with really cool style who had awesome outfits she had collected over years and could still wear! An amazing feat, I thought! Just like your friend, they should have minded their own business.

 

This advice seems so similar to when my childless brother gives me child-rearing advice. He may be well-meaning, but he does not know what he's talking about. Also, when my husband gives me fashion advice, my thought is just "please no". And this is a person I want to attract. But he does not know what he's talking about either.

 

There's all sorts of fashion dos and don'ts, but I personally think it comes down to what makes you feel most comfortable. The more comfortable you feel with yourself, the more open you will be and the more attractive you will appear. I personally love long curly hair and 90s fashion (very on trend right now, BTW) so maybe your friend should rethink because it sounds like you've got this!

 

 

[AsTheCrow]

Wow wow wow. Yeah, that would have rubbed me the wrong way, for sure.

 

It does sound like perhaps these people are trying to be helpful, but that's about all the nice things I can say about them.

 

I don't know what I would do if I was in your shoes. Depending on my level of patience at that moment I would either thank them but explain why I wouldn't be taking their advice, or possibly tell them to f--- off and worry about their own clothes instead of mine.

The wildest thing to me is them telling you to cut your curly hair into a pixie! I'm fiercely protective of my naturally curly hair. Rock your curls and your clothes, and know that your trans family has your back!

[Marbabar]

You peeps are so supportive! What an awesome place. Thanks AsTheCrow, Annie, and SugarMagnolia!

[AsTheCrow]

You're totally welcome!

 

I feel the same way. This place feels like home in a way I haven't felt elsewhere online.

[BrandiBri]

I agree that you should wear what is comfortable and whatever style suits you. I think I would have told him that unless he has "walked a mile in my shoes" he has no right to criticise my choice of clothes. I realize he probably meant well, but he needed to be more tactful, a trait that I find most men need to work on.