Far from leaving the closet...

[ClosetCallie]

I'm 36, born a male but have known since at least 7 years old Im a female inside.  Up until yesterday no one has ever known.  I'm still in the closet completely except for two good lesbian friends that I finally opened up to.  I have to say keeping this secret all these years I feel a little relief knowing that there is another human being I can finally talk to about it.  I think you have to do what you're comfortable doing and be strong.  I'm married to a woman and have 3 daughters... I am attracted to both men and women but not to my wife.  
It's sooo freakin hard pushing and hiding this down inside to where I'm not even me.  I don't know if I ever could come out about it.  I live in a conservative redneck area and gays are barely accepted let alone would me, a woman trapped in a biological man's body who is a lesbian.  If I had a different life and alot more money I would make the change in a heartbeat but I don't.  So now I go through my daily life not being able to ever show who I am, be who I am...the least I can do is motivate others who do have the option or courage.

[jae bear]

Hi Callie,

 I am so sorry that you feel this way, I do understand your situation as I have two daughters of my own and have felt and said those exact words. I am 10 years farther down the road than you are currently, and whether you are 26, 36, 46 or 76  it does not change the fact that you are female, being born biologically male may seem like a curse but honestly I found the curse I carried was my own denial and  low self-esteem. I can certainly understand how you feel geologically trapped,  that would very much make transition or dressing as yourself publicly very difficult. Have you checked to see if there is a local LGBTQ  Center nearby? If so is there anyone there you can talk to? One of the most important things I have ever done throughout the process of my transition was to find a good gender therapist, and I don’t think anyone in your hometown would think anything of you going to a therapist now and then if you felt so inclined.  I highly urge you to see if any therapy is available for you in your area, as the burden you are currently caring will only get heavier with time.  One of the places I reached out was here, and it was one of the best things I remember doing initially, the people here are warm and inviting and care a great deal about your well-being, engage as much as you can and discuss anything you like in this open and loving place. Please understand we are here for you, and we would very much like  to find a way to help you feel better. 

 Hugs and love, 

 Jackie

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Callie,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you've found us!

 

One thing I've discovered is that we really don't know what the future holds. There was a time I thought deep in the closet would be my permanent home. But I've slowly made my way out the door of that closet, and now am myself with my family. I don't have money to do all I want, but who knows what the future holds?

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[ClosetCallie]

Thanks for your kind words.  My hometown are is very small and everyone knows everyone.  I work as a mental health caseworker and even some of my clients I often run into in the area so it's tight knit.  Up until recently my entire life I had no one to talk to about this.  But now my one boss who is lesbian has been a big support although she is the only one around who knows.  Self esteem and denial are definitely my own worst enemy. Too long it's made me feel like a freak or a bad person for being this way...  But we're not freaks, we're people just like everyone else only born into the wrong body. 

There's some more populated areas within an hour from me and I'm going to do some searching for a LGBTQ center and hopefully meet some new friends that might be going through the same stuff.

 

It was def hard growing up and having girls as friends but never being able to do the girl stuff like sleepovers and bonding all because I was a boy on the outside.  Just as it is hard everyday to walk around having to wear fake skin.  

You both are right.. Future isn't determined... Maybe someday I'll be able to do something about it.  Thank you again and thanks for welcoming me into this community.

[Jani]

Hello Callie.  Welcome to the Forum.  I'm sorry to hear you still have to hide but confiding in your two friends was good for now.  Hopefully you will be able to live freely soon.

 

Jani

[Cyndee]

Hi Callie, I hope you can find the way out, or at least resolve some conflicts in sense of self, sounds like you are on your way.

 

Are we born into the wrong body, or perhaps it's really the wrong social structure that expects of the body, perhaps a combination of both ? Thoughts to ponder.

 

How to put an end to "male expectations", simply become a woman, it snuffs it out, like a fire extinguisher....

 

Best to you

 

C -

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Charlize]

Welcome Callie.  I have found that miracles do happen even though often not on our preferred schedule.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

Hi Caillie,

 

Welcome. I have found it interesting that things work out in the end, but often not in the ways we predict or imagine.

 

Tracy

[Adaline]

Hi Callie,  

 

I’m new here as well and can relate to your experience.  4 years ago I desperately wanted to be myself but could see no way that it could be possible.  I felt trapped, and alone in a body that was not mine. The dispare lead to many stupid and self-destructive practices.  I thought things would never change.

 

I got careless with the internet at work and was outed.  My worse fear had come true.  But it was a nightmare that turned into a healing.  I could finally let those that cared for me know about the torture my life had become.  I was helped to give up drinking and other harmful practices.  

 

I’m not in a position to socially transition but have found peace.

 

4 years ago if you had told me that I would have started HRT and live in a way that allows me to be whole, I would have been in complete disbelief.  

 

The point of this long personal experience (sorry able that honey) is don’t give up.  There are a lot of people here willing to support you in your efforts to be yourself.

 

hugs

[ClosetCallie]

16 hours ago, Adaline said:

Hi Callie,  

 

I’m new here as well and can relate to your experience.  4 years ago I desperately wanted to be myself but could see no way that it could be possible.  I felt trapped, and alone in a body that was not mine. The dispare lead to many stupid and self-destructive practices.  I thought things would never change.

 

I got careless with the internet at work and was outed.  My worse fear had come true.  But it was a nightmare that turned into a healing.  I could finally let those that cared for me know about the torture my life had become.  I was helped to give up drinking and other harmful practices.  

 

I’m not in a position to socially transition but have found peace.

 

4 years ago if you had told me that I would have started HRT and live in a way that allows me to be whole, I would have been in complete disbelief.  

 

The point of this long personal experience (sorry able that honey) is don’t give up.  There are a lot of people here willing to support you in your efforts to be yourself.

 

hugs

 

That's completely amazing how a situation like that turned out being positive for you.  I'm so happy that it worked out better.  I do try to stay positive and I remember how were things for the LGBTQ community 10 - 15 years ago... Nothing like today... So even time things might be even more open and understood as time goes on a little further.  This group has given me a little more peace of mind just hearing from others... Patience is my key right now.  Thank you!

[PaigeOnAForum]

Hi,

Thanks so much for sharing your story and what you're working on. (I'm also very closeted and wondering how to be myself without the world knowing.)

 

I don't have advice to offer or anything like that-- just a thumbs up and appreciation for your bravery. You are great!

 

-Paige

[Nykoli55]

Thanks for sharing. My heart goes out to you. ...have you thought about starting a 5 year journal? Writing a sentence or two a day? You never know where you will end up. 

 

I don't have the life experience and wisdom to give advise but I really do hope to see you on the forums keeping us updated.