I thought I already did

[Katelyn]

While I was at my first session at a new therapist I went to see on Monday, we briefly touched on several aspects of the gender expression and identity and this whole dressing thing. 

 

After a while of talking and such, he says he's been hearing a lot of words that tell him I'm upset with myself, I'm not yet accepting that this is really a legitimate concern I'm dealing with and it's valid and not stupid or silly. He quoted me in saying I called myself freaky and perverted and stupid and strange and that I didn't seem very confident in it. 

 

I thought I had made peace with myself some time ago and that it was just now seeing where it needed to go and going there if needed. I had myself convinced that it wasn't me fighting myself anymore in that respect. Yet I felt guilty when he pointed it out and now I can't stop thinking about it. I'm not being very nice to myself. I haven't accepted myself nor forgiven myself for being this way, whatever it might be. 

 

It is strange and society doesn't like that which isn't normal. I was reminded when my colleague on Monday thought I still had eyeliner on and called me a -awesome person- few times over, to him it was just a joke, I wasn't quite laughing though. However I felt ashamed that I had makeup on the previous day because of it. 

 

Plus side is, I'm sick and have dark rings around my eyes anyhow from lack of sleep and heavy sinus so I had an excuse. Natural dark look makeup? Got that covered this season apparently. Controversially so. 

[Jani]

Katelyn it can take some time to truly reconcile with ourselves and be happy.  Apparently this therapist could see through your mask to reveal the thoughts you still hold close.  While we are all different in many ways, I could never consider anyone freaky, perverted, stupid or strange.  We all are unique and that's what makes the world go round.  Society as a monolithic body doesn't like change or to stray far from the norm.  So be it.  There will always be people on the edges of that circle.  But who's to say its right or the only circle to live within?   Celebrate who you are every day.  There is only one you!

 

I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling well.  Get some rest.

Hugs, Jani 

[Katelyn]

Thanks for the kind words encouragement Jani.

 

I wasn't trying to fool anyone, I thought I'd accepted it and it would just take time for it to stop feeling awkward. I hoped I'd know what to do or where it would go when the time was right but I don't yet. It's frustrating and by majority of the standards, whether I like and agree or not, it feels like I'm in the wrong somehow. I feel guilty and perverted and bad. I feel like I'm obsessing.

 

But I also can't help it, I frequently find myself with time and opportunity, several hours even and then I consciously know I want to get dressed or do makeup or paint nails or let my more feminine side do what she wants, and then I just don't, which later just makes me feel regret and anger. I fight it, using potential visitors and unexpected events and pretty much anything as an excuse to fuel the indecisiveness. And then the questions. You put on a monster costume, that doesn't make you a monster but somehow it feels different when it's women's clothing but by all logical accounts I can't fathom how it's any different than just a costume. Why does it matter or make any difference? Why does it bring out other feelings and thoughts in me, or where do the feelings and thoughts bringing me to dress come from? 

 

But then again, I haven't been indulging in my need to get dressed or let my femininity of any sort really come forth in quite a while until I tried dressing up for the session, which didn't last long either. I suppose I regressed a little. Partially I guess I sort of hoped it meant I was losing this side of me, but I didn't stop feeling jealous over some girls or day dreaming and fantasising and wishing and shopping, I just didn't act upon any of it. I'm not even living in my mind, I am just judging myself angrily. 

 

It just never saw it that way till he mentioned it. I don't think I can celebrate any part of myself right now, all of me feels like a mess. But it's been brought to the light and I'm aware of it now so maybe I can work on it. Just need to figure out how. 

[Jani]

Katelyn I wasn't suggesting you were fooling yourself except that sometimes we discount certain thoughts over others we feel may be more pressing or even if they are too hard to address.   Please don't obsess over feeling bad.  I'm sure you're a very nice person.  

 

21 hours ago, Katelyn said:

I want to get dressed or do makeup or paint nails or let my more feminine side do what she wants, and then I just don't, which later just makes me feel regret and anger.

This is a common trait to feel guilty about what makes feel good.  It's OK to treat yourself well and do that which makes you happy, as long as others are not hurt of course.  I can't say where your feelings to dress originate but this may be something to speak with your therapist with.  You'll figure this out soon,  I'm confident.  

 

Jani 

[Katelyn]

Thank you Jani. Sorry, I didn't mean to sound as if I took offense. I'm just in a rather confused and upset sort of frame of mind. I try not to feel bad but it comes regardless. I suppose it's ingrained after growing up to boys this girls that etc. Need to reprogram my noggin. 

[Jani]

No offense taken!  I know its hard at times.  Yes try to reprogram by thinking positive thoughts.

 

Cheers,  Jani

[PaulaPlaytex]

"Girls"...Bottom Line, Just Be Yourself !